Blonde Logic's Stream of Consciousness/Diary

[Blonde Logic]

ah, what lovely replies from lovely ladies. Thank you so much. SOme very helpful things said there.

Clara, that is spot on. I feel no different then I would imagine an alcoholic to feel. This has reached a scary point for me. I am feeling the worst I have felt since hitting goal. My hubbyis in California right now, but I emailed him and told him how I was feeling. I just need him to know, now. I told him if an alcholic fell off the wagon and started drinking again you wouldnt just say "oh well"...you would send them back to rehab as they are not yet cured of their addiction. Same thing here, I feel.

I also feel as if I am fighting my old self. Or rather my old self is battling with my new self....and angel and a devil on each shoulder - guess who is most persistant? But why??? Why am I fighting myself? For what? This I cannot yet workout. But The fight is definatly within. I had not really focused on this but it hit me tonight, like a giant dropping penny, that this is what it feels like. Its awful.

SB - I think you are absilutely correct now, in thinking about it. The collective energy and excitement of abstinance was an essential part of my success - the commitment you feel in group was powerful stuff. Where as in Maintainers - everyone has had wobbles - goes up and down, so when I am there, I feel like, "What the heck - put some milk in my coffee", etc., where I would never do that in a group that was all abstaining.

I do feel really positive about this. I really feel that now that I know where I went wrong - I think I might be able to get it right again - and start over from scratch, and just reload my brain with the stuff that got pushed out and replaced over a really awful year with a lot of stressful stuff. I have just lost it, thats all. It doesnt mean I can't go back and get it.

I want to be back in my slim clothes. I want to run up the stairs without hurting my knee. I want to wear anything I want in my wardrobe. I want to stop feeling embarrassed or judged....and feel proud again. I hope we can swing the expense again, and that hubby can see I mean it - that I am "back". I can do it. I know I can. I lost way more than I need to now - so it should be a no brainer. But man was my head clogged. Slowly but surely - I am seeing things again. Maybe I have turned a corner.

MiniMel - thank you. You are sweet to say the stuff you did - it was really nice to hear. Thank you. I don;t feel much like a hero today - but watch this space - I might by next week.

Well - I think I have waffled on enough for one night.

I think I am liking this.

Thank you all. <<<hugs>>>>

xxx

 

[mommyB]

Hi BL, nice to see you back posting again.

I have never done a VLCD or TFR so cant really give you advice although the suggestion of going back a stage from maintaining would seem like a sensible one to me, but I have previously come accross the analagy of the dieter and the alcoholic or ex smoker, but think it's even harder for us food addicts. You can go thru the rest of your life without another cigarette or glass of wine, but food ? cant avoid it forever. So it's no surprise that we all take a step backwards in our journey now and then. No shame in it.
A great quote I came accross is " the only way to fail completely is to give up trying" and it's so true, all any of us can do is give it our best shot-again and again if necesary.

Dont be hard on yourself, you have had an incredibly tough year !! I lost my own mum on mother's day this year and know how tough it can be. I am just starting to find out

Love and hugs to one of my inspirations

 

[Blonde Logic]

Jane, that was the same day my mom died last year. Mothers day was her 1 year anniversary. <<<hugs>>> I am so sorry to hear you have lost yours.

I really appreciate your comments and support Jane. And yes, cant give up. Because as I said all the way through my diet in 2008 - Failure is not an option. It still isn't!!

Take care of yourself during this sad time for you.
xxx

 

[slendablenda]

Don't feel down about this hun. I know for me it's these hours in the night when I think things through and make my decisions and plans.
I know C is away and you've got time on your hands, but maybe it'll give you a bit of time to sort things out in your head.
Give me a call if you want a chat hun.
I'm hoping to start driving a little next week, maybe a black coffee?
xxx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL, SB and MommyB --

I am glad to see you a bit confident and determined, BL. You can do this. MommyB had a good suggestion in that taking your weight loss programme back to where it worked for you makes sense. Then, you could probably work up the steps and relearn or learn properly how to maintain.

Overeating is an addiction just as nicotine, alcohol, gambling, etc. are. I think it is a physical, as well as, a psychological addiction. Food does affect your body (chocolate elevates seratonin levels, sugar/carbs give you an insulin spike, etc.). Plus, there are the physical effect of feeling full, chewing, etc. all of which can be comforting.

Please keep us posted -- we are here for you.

Mel

 

[Blonde Logic]

Well, I have just spoke with my hubby. I have his full support, whichever way I choose to go.

I am pretty sure I am going to go back on packs, and counseling - but still giving it serious thought. I need to be certain it is the right way forward.

I have time though to completely wrap my head around it, just like I did the first time as I cannot financially start until the 1st of July.

It is a relief to know he is behind me and not giving up on me.

So I guess what I need to decide is if I am 110% certain, that I can give the diet 110% - otherwise there is no point in doing it. I will need to take the stuanch stand I took the first time - zero tolerance to failure, 110% abstinance, etc., for as long as it takes. Its a scary concept. But so is what I am feeling now.

The thought, sitting here now, knowing if I keep my nose down and just power through, that by autumn, I would be slim and back in to all my clothes again - feeling fit, confident, content.....happy.

Feeling hopeful.

 

[Blonde Logic]

Feeling both nervous and excited about the idea of going back to square one. I am feeling pretty certain that by doing it this way, I will rekindle the flames that fueled my desire to hit goal. That was missing the last couple times I tried doing it without any real counseling, or commitment.

I went 10 months without letting a single thing cross my lips - never a single lapse or cheat. If I did that once, I can do three or four months again with the same ease, if I am in the right space.

I just know how LOUD my chatterbox has been allowed to get this past year. That makes me worry a bit. It must be tamed again!! lol

well, reallly just thinking out loud. And feeling relieved.

 

[Clarabow]

Glad to hear that hubby is supportive. Give returning a good kicking xx

 

[HannahNewton]

Feeling both nervous and excited about the idea of going back to square one. I am feeling pretty certain that by doing it this way, I will rekindle the flames that fueled my desire to hit goal. That was missing the last couple times I tried doing it without any real counseling, or commitment.

I went 10 months without letting a single thing cross my lips - never a single lapse or cheat. If I did that once, I can do three or four months again with the same ease, if I am in the right space.

I just know how LOUD my chatterbox has been allowed to get this past year. That makes me worry a bit. It must be tamed again!! lol

well, reallly just thinking out loud. And feeling relieved.

I'm sure you will make the decision that is right for you!!

Just wanted to remind you gently that you are not going back to square one at all. You have not regained your whole loss.

You may go back on packs for a while!! But you have come a very long way since Day One LL 2008, 140lbs to lose!!!

The packs and the group support are a tool to get you where you want to be. It is not a sign of failure to return to Total, it is a sign that you want to get on top of things before they get completely out of hand.

Do please celebrate your amazing successes, and maintaining for 2 years. I know its hard not just focus on the weight you have to lose now.

I admire you for returning now, whichever route you take. xx

 

[MinnieMel]

I'm sure you will make the decision that is right for you!!

Just wanted to remind you gently that you are not going back to square one at all. You have not regained your whole loss.

You may go back on packs for a while!! But you have come a very long way since Day One LL 2008, 140lbs to lose!!!

The packs and the group support are a tool to get you where you want to be. It is not a sign of failure to return to Total, it is a sign that you want to get on top of things before they get completely out of hand.

Do please celebrate your amazing successes, and maintaining for 2 years. I know its hard not just focus on the weight you have to lose now.

I admire you for returning now, whichever route you take. xx

Hi BL,

Hannah said exactly what I was thinking -- you have not allowed yourself to regain everything you lost, and are to be congratulated for knowing what works best for you.

I regained about half of what I lost in 2008, and have faffed about for the past 18 months losing and then regaining some. I am now 11 pounds from the most I ever want to weigh and about 17 pounds from what I ideally want to weigh.

I know I will lose this slowly due to my size and age, and also because I am doing a CD810/1000 plan this time. I am using Judith Beck's book and to work the book properly I need to be consuming food (so that I work on my food issues and management skills). However, I did consider going back on packs and using sole source, as it worked very well for me. (I tend to be an all or nothing kind of person.)

We can do this. I am struggling with you... but we've done it once, so we know we can lose it.

Mel

 

[Quak]

Hi BL, don't treat going back to TFR as a fail, I do it from time to time as I know it works for me, having lost my Dad and a close friend this year I know where you are and trust me I struggle too, have put some on but am determined to get it back off again. I know I can do it and I know you can too, it is just getting back into the routine and believing in yourself too - just look at your photos - you CAN do it and you WILL do it again - I have faith in you xxxxx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thank you all for such nice comments - you really are a fantastic group of ladies.

Hannah, thank you. I needed to hear that. I really am not beating myself up, and am in pretty good spirits - I am just so annoyed. BUt what you said makes total sense. Thank you. And you too Mel. We will do this together again! I'm up for that.

Quak - thank you so much. YOu are always so supportive.

I am so sorry to hear you have had not one, but two significant losses recently. It isjust such an awful time - grief. There aren;t any words that make it any better, as we know, its just time. Really quite sad to hear this. <<<hugs>>>

Life doesnt throw us what we cant deal with, and I guess sometimes we need to be reminded how strong we really are. And we are all amazing women.

<<<hugs>>>>

xx

 

[Quak]

Yes we are - totally amazing

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL, et al --

I hope you are all having a good day. It was really lovely here in Cambs. I am using my CD products and sticking to my plan so far this week. Not perfect, but better and each day I try to improve a bit more.

How are you ladies doing?

Mel

 

[Catthin]

Hi Bl
Good luck with your weight loss you can do it I just looked at your previous photos and all I can say is WOW. You are a true inspiration.
Cathy

 

[slendablenda]

Hi BL,
Yes, you are an inspiration and support to me too hun. Hope you
are enjoying your time off?
Got any spare time for a coffee?

 

[Blonde Logic]

Thanks ladies - I don't feel at all like much of an inspiration these days. :break_diet: but thank you.

SB, I could do Friday, before noon? Is that any good for you? Are you driving, or should I come there?

xx

 

[Blonde Logic]

Whatever life throws at you -

Just keep swimmin.

Well, this has been a very quiet house, with my hubby in California, and me here with the dog and cats. This time has been good for me, and I have tried to use it productively, and for relaxing, and for me.

I have decided, and I must admit somehwat defeatedly, that I am going back on packs. I am not beating myself up - I just wish I weren't in the position I am in... but as I am, there are really only 2 options, and only 2. Stay in this position - or change the position. Simple as....if we get right down to the brass tacks of it all.

I want to change it. And I am approaching this much more clearheaded then I have done anything in months. At least I think I am.

I have learned that viewing this is a quick fix, is a mistake. And that the times I went back on it to "drop just stone" is not the goal I had set for myself in 2008. I wanted to learn to maintain. And I did, until moms death and I lost most of my coping abilities. So, a quick fix is not the solution to the problem.

I need to go back to the basics, and study the CBT and TA exercises again - and re-learn it. Quick fixes are definatley not the right answer for me.

I am feeling, now, almost as if it is my New Years. Now all anniversaries have finally passed..the accident, the hospital, my 50th, moms death, my aunties death and the funeral - that will be a helluva 6 week period, probably for the rest of my life. BUt I feel now, as if coming out of it, that last year was a year of pain - of hurting.

This is now the start of a year of healing. My New Years. A year to Nurturing and healing and returning to good health - mentally - spiritually and physically.

Considering the year I had, which I have been doing - I think actually I have done pretty bloody well, if past experiences are anything to go by. I dont know if i really can say I am maintaining. From where I came from, 10 stone heavier, and seeing how far I got to today, with "damage" - I know if this all had happened pre-LL, I would have given up and just thrown it all away - and I haven;t, so in a way I DO feel like I am maintaining, if that makes sense. I feel by being so consicously aware of everything I was doing and knowing that when life slowed back down, and got a bit more 'normal', that it could never just be swept under the carpet - that it would HAVE to be dealt with - I would have to pay for my sins. My failings and shortcomings. I'm not having a pity party. Far from it. Its the thing I must do, now, and forever more. Cause and effect. My actions will always be my responsibility, and as long as I remember that, I should be OK.

So I am going to pay for those sins now. And I know it can be done relatively painlessly. I have done mouch more in the past then what I need to do now - so now I know the diet will work by following it and can just be ticking over in the background....while I can then focus my mind on more important things like relearning and goin back to my happy place of good health.

Well, what a lot of waffle. lol

Just felt a bit of excitment in the air - change in the air - it's good. very good.

xxx

 

[MinnieMel]

Hi BL,

I thinnk once you've made a decision and commit to it there is a load off of your mind. You can do this, you've done it before -- and as for as referring to regaining some of the weight you lost, I do not think of it as a "sin"... it was a coping mechanism (a necessary evil, if you will). It is like someone who is opposed to taking prescription medication going a anti-depressant to help cope with a death, divorce, difficult period, etc. you use it as long as you need it and, then when you are stong enough, you work on learning how to manage without it. Food was your "crutch" (support) in the past and it is natural that you turned to it at this difficult time. Now, you are stronger and can manage without it, so you can redirect your focus on losing the regain and learning how to live your life as it is now.

We're here for you, as you have been for us.

BIG HUGS!!!

Mel

 

[UmmZakaria]

Just keep swimmin.

Well, this has been a very quiet house, with my hubby in California, and me here with the dog and cats. This time has been good for me, and I have tried to use it productively, and for relaxing, and for me.

I have decided, and I must admit somehwat defeatedly, that I am going back on packs. I am not beating myself up - I just wish I weren't in the position I am in... but as I am, there are really only 2 options, and only 2. Stay in this position - or change the position. Simple as....if we get right down to the brass tacks of it all.

I want to change it. And I am approaching this much more clearheaded then I have done anything in months. At least I think I am.

I have learned that viewing this is a quick fix, is a mistake. And that the times I went back on it to "drop just stone" is not the goal I had set for myself in 2008. I wanted to learn to maintain. And I did, until moms death and I lost most of my coping abilities. So, a quick fix is not the solution to the problem.

I need to go back to the basics, and study the CBT and TA exercises again - and re-learn it. Quick fixes are definatley not the right answer for me.

I am feeling, now, almost as if it is my New Years. Now all anniversaries have finally passed..the accident, the hospital, my 50th, moms death, my aunties death and the funeral - that will be a helluva 6 week period, probably for the rest of my life. BUt I feel now, as if coming out of it, that last year was a year of pain - of hurting.

This is now the start of a year of healing. My New Years. A year to Nurturing and healing and returning to good health - mentally - spiritually and physically.

Considering the year I had, which I have been doing - I think actually I have done pretty bloody well, if past experiences are anything to go by. I dont know if i really can say I am maintaining. From where I came from, 10 stone heavier, and seeing how far I got to today, with "damage" - I know if this all had happened pre-LL, I would have given up and just thrown it all away - and I haven;t, so in a way I DO feel like I am maintaining, if that makes sense. I feel by being so consicously aware of everything I was doing and knowing that when life slowed back down, and got a bit more 'normal', that it could never just be swept under the carpet - that it would HAVE to be dealt with - I would have to pay for my sins. My failings and shortcomings. I'm not having a pity party. Far from it. Its the thing I must do, now, and forever more. Cause and effect. My actions will always be my responsibility, and as long as I remember that, I should be OK.

So I am going to pay for those sins now. And I know it can be done relatively painlessly. I have done mouch more in the past then what I need to do now - so now I know the diet will work by following it and can just be ticking over in the background....while I can then focus my mind on more important things like relearning and goin back to my happy place of good health.

Well, what a lot of waffle. lol

Just felt a bit of excitment in the air - change in the air - it's good. very good.

xxx

Too right you should feel proud of maintaining - you have been through such a lot and you have had a mini slip up but you have nipped it in the bud and are addressing it. The little bit of weight you have put on will be gone in no time. I think you have done wonderfully and you are inspiration to people like me who are just starting on their journey of maintenance.

I wish you all the best and I pray that this year is easier for you in all respects xxxx