Bored & fed up & need rant..

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by big bear, 15 October 2010 Social URL.

  1. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    I'm just so fed up now waiting on baby bear to make an appearance. There's nothing much on the tv & I just don't know what to do with myself.

    I've also ran out of ice, it's my craving & I munch through 2kg bags in 2 days...

    Also mil still interferring, buying dummies, milk etc that is none of her business I'd like to buy these things for myself if necessary.

    Also she thinks she's taking me to hospital when I'm in labour, I don't think so I'd rather crawl on my hands & knees. She also thinks she's picking us up, my friend is coming to get us. My H has told her all of this but she still thinks she's doing it adding to my stress.

    Also I want at least 3 days on my own with H & son so my son can bond get used to his bro/sis but she thinks it's fine to come up. It's not as if she helps out, does the dishes or anything expects us to make her tea etc..H has spoken to her on numerous occasions but no doesn't listen. I've also asked her not to do things but still doesn't listen. I guess if she doesn't listen I'll have to just give her a piece of my mind & tell her where to go..

    Sorry rant over but needed to get it of my chest..
     
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  3. Wendyswoo

    Wendyswoo Full Member

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    I don't know your history but i hope mil gets the message and takes a step back.
    Good luck when the time comes xx
     
  4. hastalavegan

    hastalavegan Silver Member

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    I understand you must be feeling incredibly frustrated right now, waiting for the wee one, suffering cravings, hormones etc. I'm also aware from your previous posts that you've had some issues with your MIL and a lot of the time I've agreed with you, she has crossed some lines.

    However, I think you're being a little unfair here. The woman is buying you things that you may need, offering to drive you to and from hospital as well as helping out when the baby arrives. These are very kind and generous offers.

    I would accept the lift to the hospital and back. If you want some bonding time then you need to say this, if she turns up anyway then perhaps be a little sterner with her. If she still continues to ignore you then you'd be well within your rights to say something harsher. Right now she's reacting like any grandmother would with a new baby on the way.

    As far as I can see she's offering these things to be helpful, not to purposefully upset you or wind you up.

    I hope you feel calmer soon!
     
  5. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

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    ah big bear. YOu moan all you like sweetpea.. i can only imagine how impatient you must be feeling now. Lets be honest, the last stages of pregnancy arnt really all that enjoyable.. xxxxxx
     
  6. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    But she doesn't want to help out she just wants to take over & be in control. She's buying things that she wants me to use. She comes up when I'm getting my son dressed & grabs the clothes of me & takes over, suggesting i'm not doing things right. She was up this morning & made my son so hyper that he was running so fast he slipped fell & hit his head on the cat flap & left a huge bruise. She thought it was funny...

    I ask her not to give him certain things but she ignores me like she gives him spoonfuls of honey...

    She also buys him something everytime she sees him like toys & shoves it in his face, i've told her not to as he'll only get spoilt but no she doesn't listen.

    I don't want or need her help as she just makes things 10 times worse, she'd nearly want to come in watch me give birth & tell me that's wrong too.

    She upsets me so much & tries to control our life I've had enough now but I'd be here all night if I was to tell u other things she has said/done..
     
  7. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Some mother in laws can be that way, but there are many ways to skin a cat. If she is buying stuff you dont want or need, you can let it wind you up, or you can say thankyou very much, smile sweetly, put it to one side and then dispose of it discretely afterwards, or pass it on to someone who can use it.

    Some mother in laws can be incredibly controlling and want to be in charge and think their way is best - but you dont have to take any notice and you would be far less stressed if you let much of this just wash over you. Obviously if what she is doing is putting your children at risk, then you have to put your foot down - but perhaps giving her some defined level of involvement and more clear guidelines about what YOU expect could both diffuse the situation between you and make her still feel useful - because perhaps she doesnt and when you dont need her or want to include her, this just reinforces how useless she feels.

    Maybe once the baby is born and things have settled down then it might be a good plan for you AND DH to have her round, and chat with her about the things that bother you in a non-confrontational but firm way - Grandparents DO tend to want to spoil their grandkids and maybe if you could let her do that some of the time, and find some ways to compromise over things your relationship could improve.

    Of course, this might all be Billy Bullshine and the woman simply wont be told - but if it is possible to make this into a positive and fulfilling relationship, albeit with boundaries imposed, then that has to be better for you, your family and her and her grandchildrens relationship with each other.
     
  8. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    MLM you are so wise and have really good advice for everyone.

    I totally agree with what you say if we were dealing with a normal person but she just won't be told no matter how nicely or straight we tell her.

    I've taken things from her for my son that we don't like & I've given it away. I've actually told her we don't need the things she's buying but still carries on regardless. She's bought loads of girls clothes for the baby & we've no idea wot we're having. I really hope it's a boy coz she'll be even worse as she always wanted a girl..

    I'll have to get H to talk to her again..
     
  9. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Well maybe if you do have a boy she will realise what a waste of money it was to buy girl things. There are SOME things she cant control :D

    That said, lots of Grannies will buy things for their grandchildren regardless of whether or not they are needed. It is probably more about her need to be needed than it is about her trying to wrestle control from your hands - but that is her problem really to deal with and you shouldnt have to put up with things you dont find acceptable.

    I am certainly not suggesting you should just lie down and let her let herself in and walk all over you :D But like I said, many ways to skin a cat - and the less confrontational they are, the less stressy the situation will become for you, and thats really the most important thing - this is a time you should be enjoying with your family, so let the little things slide, and focus on the bigger picture - because she isnt doing any of this with the intention of causing harm, shes doing it because shes insecure and has to control things in order to make herself feel better - is DH an only child by any chance or is this sort of stuff going on with all her offspring?

    You would be hard pressed to find a granny who doesnt try and spoil her grandkids (often fuelled through a feeling of having failed at bringing up her own kids) and do a bit of her own style of parenting on them - (just to reinforce her feelings that she did alright really even though her subconcious doubts it...)

    Just make sure and limit it to levels that you are happy with and find acceptable. I am sure you can find a way through this that keeps everyone happy. It would be a shame to totally rupture this relationship, she obviously cares or she wouldnt bother. She just has an overpowering way of showing it.
     
  10. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    Yeah he's an only child...
     
  11. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    DING DING DING!!!

    And thats probably got a lot to do with it. So much easier to cut the apron strings when theres more kids to spread the control-freakiness around on. Your DH has been the sole focus of her attentions for such a long time - and if she loses him, and you, then she has nothing. The more you push away, the more she will push back.

    Parents are complex creatures, but they are still flawed human beings with strange habits and patterns of behaviour. When you are little you idolise your parent and they are the sole source of your attention - you want more than anything that they share and spend their time and love on you, but as you grow up and realise they are just people and they do have flaws, sometimes those flaws can be very oppressive and overwhelming. But if you can rationalise those flaws a bit, identify and acknowledge the source of them, they become a lot easier to deal with.

    Like I said, it doesnt sound like she doesnt care, she is just going about showing it in over the top ways and trying to maintain control over a situation in which, realistically, she has none at all. I think though if anyone needs to be dealing with her, it is DH - because he needs to both reassure her that she is valued and wanted but that you want to be allowed to find your own way together and make all the mistakes that we all make as parents without having someone pointing out those flaws when they occur. You concentrate on the important stuff, like keeping your blood pressure down and having a healthy and smooth birth and coping with the juggling act of a new baby with an older child - dont let her stress you, but equally, DO invite her to be helpful sometimes, on YOUR terms, and perhaps under your supervision if that makes you more comfortable. You may never agree on everything, or indeed anything, but this is her only family and she is just, it seems, trying WAAAY too hard to be a part of it.
     
  12. ilovelife

    ilovelife Wishing and hoping!

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    good luck honeybee when the time comes, let nature takes it course you will see your beautiful bundle of joy soon :)
     
  13. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

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    I know you ahve had real issues with your MIL. I think not allowing ehr to come round and see newborn grandchild is a little harsh! My Mum was waiting on tyhe drive when I came home from hospital at 9.00am in the morning! Yeah you need to bond, but an hour out of a 24 hour day won't stop that!! Other than that just ignore it all. TAke the things from her, give them away. Don't let it wind you up, it's her moeny, no skin off your nose! If she wants to dress baby, let her, it's not gonna be all the time. Then politely tell ehr, thanks for that, but I WILL continue to do it my way! My MIL booked the christening, along with her as Godmother without even telling us! Beat that!!!
     
  14. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

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    Sorry, that sounded like a lecture! Wasn't meant to be. But she can only wind you up if you let her. Best thing is to ahve a giggle about it, with the ocassional rant!!
     
  15. clairex

    clairex Silver Member

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    Im quite rubbish and have no experiences of MILs or being pregnant - just wanted to say good luck for when the baba comes!! How exciting :) xxxxx
     
  16. MargyParker

    MargyParker My belly this will be!

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    your house and your front door - if she doesnt comply if you ask her nicely then don't open the door. Simples!
     
  17. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    I wish she has a spare key & walks in when she feels like it..
     
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  19. MargyParker

    MargyParker My belly this will be!

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    change the locks?

    And when she tries to take things off you to attend to your child say no it's ok I need the practice and if she carries on say NO.
     
  20. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    I no wot ur saying let her c baby but she just wouldn't stay 4 an hour & once she's here it's getting rid of her. Also especially if it's a girl she'll completely blank my son which is why I just want it to be us. I really don't want son to feel pushed out/ignored he's only 22mths old. I know this woman & if it was just straightforward I wouldn't mind.
     
  21. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

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    You know her best. It is so hard, but you are not gonna get rid of her! She is his MUm and your childrens'
    grandma. You need the key, or to change the locks if she just saunters in. Or ensure she catches you and hubbie at it on the living room carpet. Then perhaps visit her, rather than her come to you. Then you docate how long for. You have to stop relying on her for help. She has you over a barrel otherwise, and in many ways, is entitled to have a say, if she is a regular care giver! So so hard. Don't envy you. Been there, really have. Luckliy my MIL managed to get herself cut out of her other three grandchildrens' lives and is now a lot more careful with me and mine
     
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