Bren's Second Diary - Week 13 onwards

[LincsBren]

Still plodding on. Finding it all a bit of a slog now to be honest - I've moved up a step-and-a-half I suppose; with CD, step 2 is 810 cals which is meant to be the 3 products (420 cals) plus a high protein meal. However, I've been having 2 products (porridge for breakfast and shake for lunch) then my protein meal (chicken and veg) and sometimes my 3rd shake, sometimes not. With my veg, I have been including veg that I structly speaking shouldn't be having yet (carrots) as I utterly adore them, and they're low fat and low calorie. The carb content isn't too bad for the quantity I'm having either.

I have been having the odd bit of chocolate, which is very bad I know. The bars just don't cut it, they seem to have a worse effect - they're nice, but not nice ENOUGH and then I want to eat more, whereas I've found just a square or 2 of dark chocolate is satisfying my cravings.

I would guess that I'm eating about 800 cals a day, trying to make sure that the bulk of my non-product cals are veg in case I don't have my 3rd shake. Technically I should have moved to step 3 (1000 cals) if I'm only having 2 products, which is why I'm focusing on a lot of veg. I'm buying my last lot of 'full' supplies tomorrow night, ie 21 products for the week, and then next week I'm moving up to step 3 properly and only buying 2 products a day but will have my other foods more consistently.

Not lost anything much to speak of in the last 2 weeks - 1.2lbs which is pretty awful, and I am torn because I am frustrated that I am still being so careful and feel I should be losing more, but also just glad to be back on proper food and not gaining weight.

I still feel very fat - OH asked me how much I weighed the other day and I automatically answered 13 stone 8, instead of 11 stone 8. I am struggling to get my head in line with my losses, but am hoping that by being very strict over the next few months my head will catch up in sufficient time to stop me putting weight back on.

I friend of mine lost a lot of weight, and admits that she was so freaked out by her unfamiliar body after so many years being overweight, that she let herself put it back on - not consciously, but overweight was 'normal' for her. I don't want to be in that situation, so if that means obsessing over every pound for the next year until being size 12 is 'normal' then so be it.

 

[SandraB]

I can totally relate to that Bren! Are you finding it easy to eat? I find it quite hard and, frankly, terrifying! X

 

[LincsBren]

I'm loving eating, but yes, I'm terrified! I'm so afraid of slipping into bad habits, and am still obsessed with the scales - I practically hold my breath as I get on the morning after eating what felt like a 'big' meal!

Objectively I know I look pretty good at this weight, and it's a healthy weight for me. However, because I have not reached goal, I daren't stop because I will feel like I've failed and that'll make me more likely to 'give in' and put weight on.

I also have been a size 16 for so many years that being a 12 is surreal and I know I'm a 'curvy' 12 and would probably still be a 14 in some shops... so again, I don't want to stop slimming until I'm a 'proper' 12, because I also know that going to a shop and having to buy a 14 would now demoralise me and could send me on a downward spiral.

A successful dieting friend (lost 10 stone in a year through calorie counting - no support!) once said to be she really believed you had to develop a mild eating disorder, ie develop a real obsession with exactly what you were putting in your mouth, to be successful. I fear she may be slightly right...!

 

[Daisy1966]

I really get where you are coming from Bren, I really dont feel normal size mentally Im still fat its so strange, even though I can see my reflection its like I dont believe it. Im sure we will catch up soon Good luck huni you have done really well xxx

 

[SandraB]

Perhaps it's the speed that we've lost it???? I thought that I would be fine as what I'm doing is just getting back to what I used to be like! But 5 years has passed in the middle and it's not the same at all!

I totally get the obsession, I've already got it

 

[Ella Belle]

You're right about so many things here Bren. I was definitely like your friend when I lost weight before. I just wasn't mentally prepared to be thin that time, it freaked me out and I hated people commenting on it and noticing. This time I am actively forcing myself to try to aknowledge the changes in a positive way and be comfortable, although it is difficult. It's not something we expect to happen, we think that we'll lose the weight and just feel great but that weight for me was like my 'thing'. It came first in my list of complaints, I was 'fat', that was me. It's hard to see myself in a different way.

The eating thing is terrifying and as much as I envy you and Sandra eating again the thought of having to make food decisions really scares me. I think that we do have to really consciously think of it for a long time, perhaps forever. look at the LT maintainers, they still keep track of what they're doing. I think that's the key to this whole thing. This diet may allow us to lose weight quickly but the actual work starts then, the hardest part of the whole thing will come when we're back in the real world trying to survive eating. But, we've managed to do this much, we know that we can be strong, we know we can have control, that's what we need to remember and bring with us...oh and a constant direct line to this forum

 

[SandraB]

You're exactly right Ella, eating is sooo much harder than tfr.......I know that I need some lunch shortly but I had porridge for breakfast and I'm not hungry and....oh.....you know! It's like I think well I might eat lunch and wake up tomorrow and have put all the weight back on. Mad

 

[Ella Belle]

I can imagine Sandra, but the only way is to probably fight your LT-trained instincts and see what happens at the end of the week at the wi. It's weird being at this end of the diet though isn't it?

 

[LincsBren]

See, I am finding that now I'm eating again, I am getting hungrier and wanting to eat more, which scares me! I know what you mean Sandra - I eat and then am completely convinced I'll have piled loads of weight on by the morning! I've been having my meal in the evening, but today I was on a course so had it at lunch and I have my official WI tonight so now I'm really panicking about it and trying to work out what my lightest clothes are to wear! Lol!

 

[LincsBren]

I really need to kick myself back into touch. I am not losing as I should be; I had a big 'I feel fat and what's the point anyway' meltdown at work today and ate 2 cookies and 4 after-8 mints. Bloody rediculous, I KNOW it's been really succesful for me so far, I KNOW I've not had good losses more recently due to introducing food and having a not-insignificant number of slips.

I told my consultant that at my next appointment, Monday, I'll be switching to 2 products a day. In CD terms, this means I have to be on 'step 3' which is 1000 cals a day. I would rather be on step 2 (810 cals a day) but this means I should have 3 products a day AND a high protein meal, which I have been doing on and off for the last 2 weeks but not really doing in properly as just been having leftovers from family meals (which also means the odd bit of potato and other naughties) - however, can't afford 3 products a day AND buying lots of meat etc.

So I think what I need to do to get back on track is:
1) Go TFR for 4 days again (ie Fri-Mon), 3 products a day and water, NOTHING else - this should get me back in ketosis and head back on track.
2) From Tuesday, have 2 products a day (breakfast and lunch) which will be around 300 cals, plus high protein, low fat, low carb meal / snacks up to 500 cals. I think I need to plan, plan and plan this so I don't go off-track - including taking a 'snack box' to work in case I struggle to resist the staffroom biscuits.

On the 810, I could have plain cottage cheese, chicken, turkey, white fish, tuna, quorn, prawns, eggs, tofu, green salad stuff, courgettes, broccolo, califlower, mushrooms, asparagus, and spring onions (all certain weights).

On the 1000 cal plan, I'm meant to have 2 products, 150 cal breakfast, 460 cal dinner, half a pint of skimmed milk or 150g yoghurt, and fluids! Seems a LOT.

I think (hope) I can find a happy medium. I will ignore the carbs 'allowed' on step 3 (thinks like rice, limited potato etc) and probably aim to have a 400 cal meal and 100-200 cals of snacks, like yoghurt or low-GI fruit. Then I should be hitting around 800-900 cals a day, but keeping it healthy. Will go off and come up with some meal plans and post them here to help me.

 

[LincsBren]

100% so far today. Tempted by cookies at school (giant smarties ones that the children bakes) but resisted. Well done me.

My meals from Tuesday are not going to be hugely excited - they will pretty much be a protein portion of a certain size (average of 200 cals) plus about 300g of veg (approx 75 cals) and a 'pudding' of natural yoghurt and fruit (approx 140 cals). Which is still only 415 cals. I'll take a few chestnuts to work (they're only 85 cals for 50g) in case I am desperate to snack, and see how I go on that.

 

[LincsBren]

Stayed 100% yesterday. 100% so far again today as well... feeling positive and back on track! Week 17 weigh in tomorrow morning... everything crossed.

 

[SlimmerSu]

Good luck hun x x

 

[Daisy1966]

Well done! Bren you doing soo well xxxx

 

[LincsBren]

Another pound off! I've accepted that this last bit is going to take me ages, so as long as the numbers keep going down, it doesn't matter how long it takes!

 

[LincsBren]

My CD consultant suggested last night that I become a consultant too, and I'm really tempted. It might keep me on the straight and narrow - partly because, let's face it, a fat consultant wouldn't inspire clients and secondly, I would get a reduced rate on the products so financially it wouldn't be such a strain if I needed to do a couple of weeks TFR (eg after a holiday).

 

[LincsBren]

Have flu. Feel rotten. Am swinging between not wanting to eat or drink anything at all, and wanting to eat sweet soft 'easy' things. Managed to stick to the diet with the exception of 1 ferrero rocher (which I couldn't taste - what a waste!) and a tiny (60g) portion of Dad's homemade rice pudding. It did make me feel a bit better though, so not all bad - and the whole day came in at 790 cals (am aiming for between 800 and 900 ideally, to include 2 shakes a day).

I'm taking sudafed, paracetamol and ibuprofen like it's going out of fashion, but avoiding any flu 'drink' things due to sugar content. I feel a chesty cough coming on though, so may be downing my (considerably lower ) bodyweight in Benylin later... I'll ignore those calories!