Can't trust myself to eat again

[yo-yo]

Hello, apologies for the really long post but I need to get this off my chest and would appreciate hearing from anyone else who may have overcome the same problem...

I have lost 9 stone altogether (not all with CD) and have been told I need to re-introduce food now. I'm really really struggling though. I stocked up on cottage cheese, chicken and turkey but it's all still sitting in the fridge going out of date!

My friend and worried Mother have been trying to sabotage my diet for some time now, saying that I have gone far enough - and my CDC said she will only let me buy 14 packs from now on. So far I've been lucky as the 2 friends I go with have cheated and not needed the full supply of packs, so I give them the money to get a few extra for me. I can't rely on this forever though as with the summer coming and holidays booked they are determined to stick to it from now on.

So - I planned to have a meal from AAM list every 2nd night last week. On the first day my DD had made fairy cakes at school. Due to pressure from her, OH and worried Mother I ate 2 of them! In that moment - with yummy cakes in front of me - people saying "you need to eat now, the CDC said you had to" - and looking at Moms worried little face I totally bought into it (I guess thats why I had 2!).

Sadly it didn't stop there. Once Mom had gone home, DH went off to work (he works nights) and DD was tucked up in bed I used the same reasons to justify to myself eating a bag of crisps and 4 lemon and raisin scotch pancakes - toasted with lots of butter by the way! (don't do things by halfs do I??)

So - no cottage cheese consumed that evening to compensate.

For the next 3 days I SS'd again to make up for my sins and planned to have some chicken and mushroom kebabs for tea on saturday. All went well until half 2, had the house all to myself - settled down to watch Now Voyager (am not allowed to watch black and white movies when OH and DD are in!) Out of nowhere I took myself off to the kitchen and ate a scone! I was so cross with myself but decided to put it behind me and increase my water intake to lessen the effects - but instead of filling up my water bottle I came skipping out of the kitchen with ANOTHER scone. A serious binge followed - a bowl of cereal, a pork pie, a packet of crisps, about 10 biscuits, a cheese sandwich and half a litre of icecream! This was in the space of one hour. Apologies if me listing the food like this has made all of you SS'ers drool - but I really need to be honest about how bad my binges are when I succumb to them - as I never admit this to anyone else. :break_diet:

I felt so poorly afterwards and I looked 6 months pregnant! I was so full that I could barely fit a breath down me, I had to take short little breaths and each one was accompanied by stabbing pains. I felt unwell all evening and like I'd been kicked in the tummy all day yesterday.

So - needless to say no chicken and mushroom kebabs that night! and have been back to SS since. It's my weigh in tonight and it looks as though I've gained 4 - 5lbs.

This is becoming a regular pattern. 3 weeks ago I had a 2 day binge (which also included alcohol) and gained 8.5lbs! - sole sourced till next weigh in and lost 6.5 of it, and am headed for a gain again tonight.

I can SS religiously - I won't even stir my black coffee with the same spoon have stirred OH's milky coffee with, and never eat a crumb of what I am making for the family - won't even lick my fingers if a bit of their food have touched them! I can't understand why I can be so disciplined most of the time then go completely off the rails as soon as I am "allowed" to eat. The stupid thing is when I am SSing the thought of cottage cheese and salad or some chicken really appeals to me - so why isn't that what I end up eating??

Part of me thinks I should just carry on like this as at least I can keep my weight stable but then I worry that one day I may not be able to get back to SSing following a binge and could end up back at 17 and a half stone and VERY miserable again.

Has anyone else had this problem?

 

[wannabslim]

Ahhh yo-yo, I know how you feel! I can't say I've had the same experience, but I have just gone through a weekend of madness, and even with the best intentions in the world yesterday I ended up on pizza last night. Its so hard once you have cheated to get your head back into the same place that it was when SSing 100%. I will do it, and I hope its soon!!

I guess we just need to try and tell that chatterbox to leave us alone, and be strict with ourselves, but its easier said than done!!

How about tomorrow we make a pact between the 2 of us- as of tomorrow we MUST only eat/drink what we are allowed to. Today may be too late but tomorrow is another day, and if we can support one another maybe that will help us stick to it as we are answerable to one another! I will PM you my msn if you have it? There is another lady who is my slimming buddy but she works nights so we never chat.

Let me know hun xxx

 

[wannabslim]

oh it says you have opted not to receive messages. oh well x

 

[yo-yo]

Thanks for your reply wannabslim.

I'm often on minimins but not a very regular poster - I have read lots of your posts - in fact reading them today is what made me fess up to my sins at the weekend! (didn't want to hijack your thread though).

I haven't chosen not to receive messages - I just don't know how to! I am quite new to this forum lark! How do I do it?

Would be lovely to have that bit of extra support.

P.S. Don't have MSN either - am at work at the mo (tut tut!) did write my long post during lunch break though ! I can't get it here but DD has it at home so I'm sure I could get her to sort it out for me. Comes to something when an 11 year old is showing you the ropes!

xxx

 

[LENNY4974]

Yo-Yo,

I have to say that I know how you are feeling. I have been told by my CDC to move onto 790 now but I am so apprehensive What if I start to eat and can't stop at the correct amounts? In my head I actually know all the theory etc and I know that I can't stay on SS forever but I don't want to put any of the weight back on.

What if I haven't actually learnt anything about my eating habits and just go back to how it was??

I guess everyone feels this way after SSing, and I have promised to be a good girl next week!! The problem is that the weight loss is addictive and I think that adding more food means less losses .Is that my diet chatterbox speaking to me?

Good luck with everything

 

[lavender]

Yes know just how you feel, I havent gone so far to binge on large amounts in one sitting as I tend to eat too much over a period of a few days and then feel bad.!! like you i love veg, salad, fish, friut and brown rice, pasta and all things lovely and when I am SSing , that is all I crave, but when I am allowed to eat I still pick at the naughty things that I dont even really enjoy???
I have tried to not be so all or nothing but I guess after so many years it will take some time and practise.
Many of us suffer this problem and when we start the "critical parent" thing of "you shouldn't be having that" then that sparks off the rebellious child behaviour and then we really go for it!!
All this needs patience and to be kind to ourselves in the process, but that doesn't come easy either.

 

[GreenDayJen]

think this goes to show that great as Cd at getting the weight off, it doesn't really teach you to change your eating habits. and that's from a former CDer...

 

[canireallydothis!!]

There is no answer to this, it doesnt teach you how to eat again.

I can totally empathise with you, food is still always going to be there in your life no matter what.

As a learned friend on here said, we spend most of our life eating too much, then eating too little to compensate, this means we have no real idea of how to eat properly, and unfortunately there is no magic to make us do it right, I guess we dont think the same as naturally thin people.

The only advice I have to you is what i have been through in the past 4.5 months whilst I have been at goal.

I am no angel, not at all, and still struggle with my eating habits, I have no idea what its like to eat normally really, so I just look at others around me and see how they do it, but also, I dont have temptation around me at all if I can help it, I know if its there then I will eat it.

What ever you do, you need to do the stages of maintenance properly. This introduces different food groups at different times so you dont have the gain. You will get used to food slowly, the treats are still there, but have to limit mine, weekends only, I still enjoy life, and I love being at goal, but I am so careful during the week 99% of the time.

The diet for me was easy, keeping it off is hard. Why not try and post here whilst doing the stages, the maintenance section has great tips, Karion Dieting and Madam Dotty are a great help.

Last thing, why did you do it, was it boredom, loneliness or any other factor you can change??

You have done so well, and you can keep the weight off, it just takes some working out!

And then, and only then can you start to try and understand.

Carrying on like this isnt the way to a healthy life. I guess for me it is moderation, and exercise and its not easy!!!

 

[KD]

think this goes to show that great as Cd at getting the weight off, it doesn't really teach you to change your eating habits. and that's from a former CDer...

That's the maintenance part Jen

I guess that 2 months of working up the plans is probably equal to the amount of of time the average dieter (meaning those girls with just a stone or two to lose) spends dieting with a traditional diet and learning on the way.

Then, as most of us have had a very bad relationship with food (unlike them), you still need time after that to continue practicing it.

So, yes, CD doesn't really teach good eating habits in the SS stage, but as you know...the SS stage is only a part of the plan

 

[GreenDayJen]

hey karion. i know you're the queen of maintenance and i didn't do maintenance (tut tut) but i still don't think the maintenance stage is enough to teach you how to get rid of your bad habits, not at all. i mean, why should it? or how could it? it would be asking a hell of a lot of a diet to be this quick and effective AND teach you to reprogramme your brain so you don't over eat in future. that's just life. you can't have it all...

 

[KD]

but i still don't think the maintenance stage is enough to teach you how to get rid of your bad habits, not at all. i mean, why should it? or how could it? it would be asking a hell of a lot of a diet to be this quick and effective AND teach you to reprogramme your brain so you don't over eat in future. that's just life. you can't have it all...

Quite agreed Jen. I think the same can be said for any diet. That's why people keep doing them over and over again.

The maintenance part gives you a good start though. Especially on the food side.

The head stuff is another matter. That took me ages to work through, but I worked through it. Something that I had never done on other diets.

No blame on the other diets mind you...just didn't really think about how much I needed to do at that time. Cambridge was the last ever diet that I was prepared to do. My last chance. I promised myself that I would never do another one. If it didn't work, I was just going to live on the sofa and stuff chips all day, as I had just about had enough.

 

[Anne-Marie]

Hi yo yo,
I'm not at that stage yet. It seems to me that you need the rigid format of CD to stay on track and it's a problem when you leave that 'discipline'. Would it help if you worked out what you were going to eat the next day EXACTLY and write it down ? Or else, limit number of calories and write it down as you use them ?
Really not sure... I guess we are all struggling with the whole moderation thing and it's easy to become trapped in one extreme or the other.
Good luckk - let us know how you get on.

 

[wannabslim]

Hi again yo-yo,

Sorry forgot to check back to see if you replied yesterday. You need to go into User CP at the top of the page and make sure in the options you havent selected anything to do with blocking messages. I think!?

I think fessing up is the key- I am still struggling, was good all day today and then gave in to dominos pizza- AAARGH I just cannot seem to go a whole day without cheating at the moment, even though I really want to. I never would do this but a moment ago I actually considered purging to get rid of the pizza in my belly but I thought that would do more harm than good, and I should just start again afresh tomorrow.

As of now I am gonna try not to give in again, I was in such a good place before I started cheating and now I feel constantly tempted and down. I'm actually starting to consider hynotherapy!!! You never know it might help with the pschology aspect of not eating...

Ah well, I need to get my head sorted out and get on with this, otherwise i won't be slim for summer :-( xxx

 

[yo-yo]

Boo hoo!

I've just spent an hour pouring my heart out in a post and lost it all. !!!!!

I am too tired to do it all again but just wanted to say thanks to all for your advice and well wishes.

BTW - Thanks to getting straight back to SS following my binge I had only gained a pound at my weigh in AND for 2 evenings have managed to eat 150g of cottage cheese without hoovering up the entire contents of the fridge and bread bin afterwards :clap: That's progress eh!

Wannabslim - sorry your having a few rough days. Keep your chin up! x