Completely off topic-break up??

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by beckistar, 9 August 2011 Social URL.

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  1. beckistar

    beckistar Member

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    Hi,
    This is completely off topic but I need advice. My partner and I have been together for 5.5 years now and bought a house 2 years ago. He has been saying for some time that he's unhappy/unsure what he wants. We have been talking over the past few days and there are things we are both unhappy with and we feel that the spark's gone. We have sort of mutually agreed to split up however I don't think he thought I would ever come to that decision and seems shocked that I've agreed with him as I normally would try and put forward reasons to 'give it one more try'. I am now stuck and unsure what to do. I can't afford to take on the house, but it's my home and I love it there and really really don't want to leave. Has anyone else been in this position and any advice? Other than that it's just a general moan!
    X
     
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  3. chiefbridesmaid

    chiefbridesmaid Silver Member

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    I'm sorry I dont have any useful advise for you, but just wanted to stop and give you a hug :)
     
  4. tabu

    tabu Full Member

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    I have recently split up my husband we had been together for 10years and married for 4 . …without going into too much detail…the spark was also gone in our relationship. Very unpleasant atmosphere came a point where it felt like we were two strangers living in one house….I also shocked my partner when I actually went ahead with the split. I used to mention it to him but he always thought I was calling it bluff. Anyway it got too much and I had enough. It was either split up or I stuck in an unhappy marriage forever.

    I am left on my own now paying the mortgage /bills ect…Must admit I am financially struggling and just about making ends meet- having to give up a lot luxuries I was in habit of.

    But then I say to myself I rather financially struggle and be on my own then to have money and be in a marriage that brings me nothing but gloom.

    You have to just trust ur gut instinct and go with that…but I feel to stay in an unhappy relationship for financial gain is a big price to pay
     
  5. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    You could take a lodger. Someone who you feel you would be compatible with.

    Could you convert a bedroom into a bedsit or make over a couple of rooms to someone.That way you keep your home and are not worried about the financial aspect
     
  6. beckistar

    beckistar Member

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    Thanks for the replies guys.I know that we need to split up really, it's just so hard as I still love him. He knows that he doesn't always speak to me nicely and it upsets him that he snaps but he carries on doing it anyway. I really don't want to leave my house and if I had a lodger I could afford it but as my partner paid the deposit on the house I'd have to find the money for that to give him. I just can't bear the thought of the next few months and starting all over again. I'm only 26 but just feel like all my memories etc are with him and now its all been for nothing.
     
  7. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I am sure if you approach your mortgage provider they would find a way of helping you to repay the deposit and possibly allow you an interest only mortgage until you find a solution.

    They would rather help you than repossess your home. In reality they do not want your house they would rather see you living there and paying them.

    I feel that perhaps you are having second thoughts about splitting up with you OH. It is an enormously emotional thing to do and you need to be sure that it is the right thing for you both.

    You know familiarity, habit, fear of the unknown can often be mistaken for love. You have to really want to do this . You have to ask yourself are you just going to feel the same again a year down the line once the first flush of "kissing and making up " is over.
     
  8. tabu

    tabu Full Member

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    The deposit aspect makes it also very tricky….

    You could ask him to allow u time to pay him back over instalments…or alternatively take out a loan to pay him the deposit…I guess it all depends on how big the deposit amount is….possibly ask family or friends to help.

    When I spit up with my partner the financial struggle and possibly of loosing my home also scared me….but I had to accept the fact that if I could not cope financially on my own then I might have to consider selling up and moving on..Thankfuly at the moment I am able to balance things and not give up my home…but if I could no longer cope then I would not have much choice but to face the consequences.

    I am struggling but taking one day at a time…..it’s scary I know.
     
  9. beckistar

    beckistar Member

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    Thanks guys. I have spoken to my parents and my dad said he will get me a solicitors appointment so I can find out what the best plan of action is. I do feel torn about the split but like Fillymum said, maybe it's the familiarity that I'll miss. It would be so much easier if we hated eachother but the fact that we still really care about eachother makes it even harder. Thanks for the advice.
    X
     
  10. AnnaFaraday

    AnnaFaraday ..

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  11. cherry-pie

    cherry-pie Trying again in 2012

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    Slightly different opinion here perhaps but having been there myself several years ago and moving on from a marriage I would say that as much as you love your home, and as much as you don't like the thought of leaving it, it is only bricks and mortar and really not worth tieing yourself to if it becomes such a millstone around your neck that you can't get back on with your life again. Sometimes a clean break really does make it easier.

    I hope that you can take some time out for yourself, work out what you want and what you need and take it from there. Good luck whatever you decide to do and most of all, be kind to yourself xxx
     
  12. beckistar

    beckistar Member

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    Well, I've decided I'm going to go to my parents tomorrow for a week, as we were both chatting about the situation and my partner said that before we start the ball rolling with selling/leaving the house, we need to be 100% certain it's what we want. It's hard to get your head straight when you're living together so I'm gonna have a week away with no contact and take it from there.
    Thanks for all the replies.
    Xx
     
  13. Funky_Munky

    Funky_Munky Put the kettle on

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    I hope that youre coping ok with the break up. Going to see the solicitor is an excellent idea.

    Just to throw my two pence worth in, there has been a recent break up in our family where one party left and the other took on everything - house, car loan etc.

    Sorry posted before finished!! Basically the one in the house has had it really hard and from their experience i would recommend make a clean break rather than being tied down to thr house.

    From what youve posted about what your chap said, it sounds like hes not made his mind up and still wants to make things work. It sounds like maybe there are things he is unhappy with but doesnt know how to change them or fix them so to speak. Do consider counselling.as a way of dealing with this too xx
     
  14. TattooedMammy

    TattooedMammy Full Member

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    Kind of in the same boat here but we have 2 young children :(

    We're going to give it another go, but unfortuntely its my husband who has depression and insomnia and my god, the two together is a nightmare. HE doesnt know what would make him happy, so i'm on a hiding to nothing before i even start trying to make him happy! He's going to see friends in September and i'm hoping *fingers crossed* to have got a £9.50 sun holiday break in October to get away with the kids and hopefully he will miss us enough to realise what the flaming hell it is he wants from life!!

    Sorry, it doesnt help you in any way, just wanted to say i can empathise and if you want a natter, just message me xxxx
     
  15. beckistar

    beckistar Member

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    Tattooedmammy, it's such a shame especially when you have children. I suffer from depression too but am not receiving any help for it and I think that has had a big effect on our relationship. I hope that the time away does you both good. I just need to be able to say that at least we tried everything before I walk away, that's why I'll do a week at my parents. It's very confusing, he's messaging me saying it won't be the same without me there etc and to be honest some thinking space is what we need.
    So hard. Hope everything goes ok with you. I know it sounds stupid but I'm not sure how to message someone on here directly.
    X
     
  16. mumtheshopper

    mumtheshopper Silver Member

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    Having had a marriage break up, after being together for 18 years and with 2 small children, I would say, please, please be sure you ahve tried everything! Once the decision is made you need to know, you tried evrything, the lot, and you are not going to look back because you KNOW there is no point.

    Then I would say, you will feel resentment if left in the house, with all the bills, like millstone youc an't afford, it will probably never feel yours because it was you shared. It would be harder at first, but better in the long run perhaps, to break, then ahve somehting that is yours and only yours. It may be smaller, it may be something cheaper, but you will be making mmeories from scratch and making it yours! Sorry, just my twopenneth
     
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  17. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Hey. Sorry to hear about your troubles :(

    I wasn't married, but when I split from a 7yr relationship, I made the decision to up and leave, leaving him with the house (it was rented). It was one of the better choices I have ever made. I set myself up in a new home, surrounded by my things, and no dodgy memories at all - "I remember when we painted this room", and the like. He remained in the house, and I know he found it much tougher, as the 'spirit' of me, and of us, lingered.

    So maybe you would be better to sell up? Obviously, for me it was much easier as it was rented. But it's a good idea to take some time apart, see how you both feel.

    Good luck x
     
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