Han_Han
...
Hi guys,
I've been pretty much absent from the forum for the last few days because I went totally off the rails. It's not been enjoyable - I've felt really sick & my stomach & face have swollen up at an incredible rate (seriously, I bought a new coat last week, when I got it I was doing the belt up on the 2nd/3rd hole, now the 1st is a stretch...) & I now resemble a pot-belly pig. Enough is enough! I'm all done with that foolishness & am back on track with LT.
I've given why I did it a fair bit of thought & I think there are two aspects - the excuse I made to do it - which was that my losses were slowing down & I was getting frustrated & already past my goal. Then the reasons behind the drive to make the excuse & carry on eating for days when the first day I actually only ate a slice of pizza before feeling like my stomach was going to explode. The reasons are on the whole pretty personal to me & not all that interesting for you to read, but, one of the major ones is definitely that getting to the weight I actually want to be scares me. I did this last time I got to around this weight - I just went out & ate madly, after having been absolutely perfect & driven until that point. I was in an awful mood on the train to university yesterday (mainly because I was running late as already nothing seems to fit me, I had a massive headache & hadn't managed to get a seat) & found myself thinking, "it'll all be different when you're thin..." & that thought jarred with me because I am at a 'normal' weight now & that's just been my default thinking for so long. I've got up every morning for years & consoled myself with the knowledge that all I have to do is go on a diet & life will be everything I want it to be. That's not true at all. There are certain aspects of my life that are much nicer having lost weight - I'm enjoying buying clothes for pretty much the first time, I'm not cowering at the prospect of a Christmas costume party at work, I generally feel more positive about leaving the house because I don't hate being seen. But, has my weight-loss transformed my life? No. The horrible things that happened last year that resulted in me pretty much cutting all ties with my entire social circle still happened, so when I turn up at university I'm alone. Being this size hasn't changed that, it hasn't taken the edge off how incredibly isolated I feel walking around somewhere I used to be happy, seeing everyone else enjoying their lives with their friends & realising mine are gone & this last year is just going to be a hard, lonely slog, until I can get the f*** out of there. Nor has it stopped me from naturally assuming that all the people I've met in my new job hate me & will never like me because that's how I feel about new people. Is it worth losing weight? Yes, of course it is & I can address these other things with a greater sense of confidence at the size I actually want to be. & being fat wouldn't make them easier, would it? All it would allow me is to have some dream of what things could be if I wasn't stuffing my face.
Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble (I just thought actually acknowledging it was important)! Anyway, I hope everyone is doing really well & that I'll be shrinking along with the rest of you very soon!!
Hannah
I've been pretty much absent from the forum for the last few days because I went totally off the rails. It's not been enjoyable - I've felt really sick & my stomach & face have swollen up at an incredible rate (seriously, I bought a new coat last week, when I got it I was doing the belt up on the 2nd/3rd hole, now the 1st is a stretch...) & I now resemble a pot-belly pig. Enough is enough! I'm all done with that foolishness & am back on track with LT.
I've given why I did it a fair bit of thought & I think there are two aspects - the excuse I made to do it - which was that my losses were slowing down & I was getting frustrated & already past my goal. Then the reasons behind the drive to make the excuse & carry on eating for days when the first day I actually only ate a slice of pizza before feeling like my stomach was going to explode. The reasons are on the whole pretty personal to me & not all that interesting for you to read, but, one of the major ones is definitely that getting to the weight I actually want to be scares me. I did this last time I got to around this weight - I just went out & ate madly, after having been absolutely perfect & driven until that point. I was in an awful mood on the train to university yesterday (mainly because I was running late as already nothing seems to fit me, I had a massive headache & hadn't managed to get a seat) & found myself thinking, "it'll all be different when you're thin..." & that thought jarred with me because I am at a 'normal' weight now & that's just been my default thinking for so long. I've got up every morning for years & consoled myself with the knowledge that all I have to do is go on a diet & life will be everything I want it to be. That's not true at all. There are certain aspects of my life that are much nicer having lost weight - I'm enjoying buying clothes for pretty much the first time, I'm not cowering at the prospect of a Christmas costume party at work, I generally feel more positive about leaving the house because I don't hate being seen. But, has my weight-loss transformed my life? No. The horrible things that happened last year that resulted in me pretty much cutting all ties with my entire social circle still happened, so when I turn up at university I'm alone. Being this size hasn't changed that, it hasn't taken the edge off how incredibly isolated I feel walking around somewhere I used to be happy, seeing everyone else enjoying their lives with their friends & realising mine are gone & this last year is just going to be a hard, lonely slog, until I can get the f*** out of there. Nor has it stopped me from naturally assuming that all the people I've met in my new job hate me & will never like me because that's how I feel about new people. Is it worth losing weight? Yes, of course it is & I can address these other things with a greater sense of confidence at the size I actually want to be. & being fat wouldn't make them easier, would it? All it would allow me is to have some dream of what things could be if I wasn't stuffing my face.
Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble (I just thought actually acknowledging it was important)! Anyway, I hope everyone is doing really well & that I'll be shrinking along with the rest of you very soon!!
Hannah