Confessions

Discussion in 'Lipotrim Forum' started by Han_Han, 28 October 2009 Social URL.

  1. Han_Han

    Han_Han ...

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    Hi guys,

    I've been pretty much absent from the forum for the last few days because I went totally off the rails. It's not been enjoyable - I've felt really sick & my stomach & face have swollen up at an incredible rate (seriously, I bought a new coat last week, when I got it I was doing the belt up on the 2nd/3rd hole, now the 1st is a stretch...) & I now resemble a pot-belly pig. Enough is enough! I'm all done with that foolishness & am back on track with LT.

    I've given why I did it a fair bit of thought & I think there are two aspects - the excuse I made to do it - which was that my losses were slowing down & I was getting frustrated & already past my goal. Then the reasons behind the drive to make the excuse & carry on eating for days when the first day I actually only ate a slice of pizza before feeling like my stomach was going to explode. The reasons are on the whole pretty personal to me & not all that interesting for you to read, but, one of the major ones is definitely that getting to the weight I actually want to be scares me. I did this last time I got to around this weight - I just went out & ate madly, after having been absolutely perfect & driven until that point. I was in an awful mood on the train to university yesterday (mainly because I was running late as already nothing seems to fit me, I had a massive headache & hadn't managed to get a seat) & found myself thinking, "it'll all be different when you're thin..." & that thought jarred with me because I am at a 'normal' weight now & that's just been my default thinking for so long. I've got up every morning for years & consoled myself with the knowledge that all I have to do is go on a diet & life will be everything I want it to be. That's not true at all. There are certain aspects of my life that are much nicer having lost weight - I'm enjoying buying clothes for pretty much the first time, I'm not cowering at the prospect of a Christmas costume party at work, I generally feel more positive about leaving the house because I don't hate being seen. But, has my weight-loss transformed my life? No. The horrible things that happened last year that resulted in me pretty much cutting all ties with my entire social circle still happened, so when I turn up at university I'm alone. Being this size hasn't changed that, it hasn't taken the edge off how incredibly isolated I feel walking around somewhere I used to be happy, seeing everyone else enjoying their lives with their friends & realising mine are gone & this last year is just going to be a hard, lonely slog, until I can get the f*** out of there. Nor has it stopped me from naturally assuming that all the people I've met in my new job hate me & will never like me because that's how I feel about new people. Is it worth losing weight? Yes, of course it is & I can address these other things with a greater sense of confidence at the size I actually want to be. & being fat wouldn't make them easier, would it? All it would allow me is to have some dream of what things could be if I wasn't stuffing my face.

    Sorry, that was a bit of a ramble (I just thought actually acknowledging it was important)! Anyway, I hope everyone is doing really well & that I'll be shrinking along with the rest of you very soon!! :)

    Hannah
     
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  3. xsarahloux

    xsarahloux ~~someday!~~

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    Oh Han, you've got a lot going on there. :hug99:

    i'm not going to kick your arse about falling off the wagon coz you seem to have that covered by yourself.

    i had a patch like that in uni - cut the ties with my social group as they were back stabbing evil nightmares but i got a new lot together and it was fine!! chin up hun.

    i know its a bit scary when all your life you've gone: if i was thin i'd be happy. but turns out, it takes more than that. i used to look at my friends in amazement when they were grumpy about something and i'd be thinking how can you be, you're thin!?

    listen honey, you have to focus on the things that make you happy and the other stuff just has to be done, but shouldn't take over. easier said than done - but amongst all other things, remember that you have lost so much weight and not everyone can do that. its a massive achievement that people will look at you in awe for.

    we love ya hun, dont go running off again! xxx
     
  4. Jesi

    Jesi Silver Member

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    I must say that your post has been the only one I have read on here that made me really think about things.

    Losing weight changes the way people look at you (the outside of you). It also helps with health, you walk better sleep better feel better. Clothes are easier to deal with and overall we like ourselves better.

    I don't think that losing weight really changes life around us, just how we are but not the things that happen or develop around us. Losing weight would not get people to like us more or make amends for arguments or fights.

    We are losing weight so that we could be happy with ourselves while trying to deal with everyday life. The weight just adds more complication as we usually blame it for everything going wrong in our lives.

    I hope you get it all sorted out babes because you seem unhappy and you deserve much more then that. Try to find what it is that is not working for you and don't be scared to change it.
    Jesi
    xxx
     
  5. trixiefoofoo

    trixiefoofoo Full Member

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    I'm not going to wax lyrical Han - you've clearly thought deeply about whats happened and why - all I will do is send you a (((hug))) as I think you need one.

    Well done for sharing and getting back on track x x
     
  6. summergurl

    summergurl ‚ô•3 Years Maintaining‚ô•

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    Ok so do you think you'd be happier with your life being bigger????
    I seriously doubt it sweetie.
    Im glad you have come on here and opened up.

    I too didnt have anybody at uni - i never moved away from home, went to plymouth uni with a friend - she dropped out and i never really made any other friends at uni. I said hello to people but only those in lectures and presentation groups, but that was cuz i had too. Sure, some may say uni is all about the social life and the people you meet but in reality its about bettering yourself. Getting yourself that ace degree and getting somewhere. I went my whole 4years of uni (i had to repeat one module for one year :sigh:) without doing the whole uni social life thing and not making any new friends.

    Uni wont be lonely just cuz you dont have any friends there - it means you have more time for number 1 (yourself) and more time to boost your grade! Who cares if people dont like you - on here as far as i am concerned you are a great person with some great determination thats always here for others. Good qualities to possess.

    Now pick yourself up out of the hole you are in and tackle life head on, whether it be on your own or with friends ... your life is yours and its what you make of it.

    Glad to hear you are getting back on the LT but again, if your not happy hows about refeeding? You are 2lbs below your goal. And who says you have to fall into the 'normal' category? I am just, litterally just! out of the obese category but am perfectly happy the size i am. You should be extremely proud of yourself girl.

    Oh and one more thing missy - dont be running away from here again :giggle: :hug99: xxx
     
  7. jane5

    jane5 Full Member

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    I'v read some of your earlier posts and all I can say is you have been supportive to lots of people and your weight loss has been amazing. Big hugs to you and I'v no doubt you'll be back on board, supporting everyone else in no time xxxx
     
  8. bex!

    bex! im on my way to slimdom!

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    hi hun sori u feelin rubbish at the mo but u back on track now so will b feelin better soon. :)

    readin ur post was such an eye opener, i think totally the same way, my every sentence is 'if i was thin that wud be better' or 'that wudnt happen if i was slimmer'.

    my mum is always sayin to me that the problems i av r still gona b there ill just b in a 12 not a 20 an that bein thin isnt gona solve anythin but wot it will giv u is confidence an better clothes.;)

    but it wasnt until i read ur post hun that i really appreciated what she ment. i think that bein overweight we av this idea that 'thin' people av it so much easier etc an that once we get to target all r troubles will disappear but as u av learnt they dont.

    han this is now the moment to take all those feelin that made u binge an turn em into a positive, realise that even at ur good weight now problems still crop up but learn to sort thru em without food. like takin a walk maybe?

    i hope u get back on track hun an good luck with uni.

    big hug!

    bex
     
  9. anne-mariep

    anne-mariep Silver Member

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    Hi Hun I have to be honest i can totally relate to your situation. to be honest I have no friends none. Its hard to say that but its true. I removed my 3 best friends from my life nearly 2 years ago one i knew since i was 4 the others since i was 15. It was the hardest decision i have ever made and to be honest i dont regret it! They were evil using manipulators. Who used me for my kindness. but then i tink if i had of stayed friends with them at least i wud have someone to talk to or go out with. i stayed in a deadend relationship with a guy who totally acknowledged that he didnt love me (he told me enough times as well) and he once told me he thought i had a fat ass and he hated it, because i was so scared of having no-one. We broke up one week before i started lipotrim and he found a girlfriend a few days later and is now in love with her. Ok sorry back to you, I understand how you feel because i tink the same tings everyday. my life will be better wen im thin but i really know it wont im just hoping and praying it will help make it a little bit better.

    Im also losing at a slow rate only 9lbs in a whole month and fell like giving up coz i dont feel any thinner and my life is no different.

    However, WE CAN MAKE IT BETTER OURSELVES! not by goin out and ending up with crap friends all over again but first by figuring out what will make us happy. I too think they all hate me even on this forum i notice when i only get a few responses while others get loads and i tink they dont like me. Haha! god ive got problems dont i! I really tink this diet is more about losing weight its about discovering who you are, the good, the bad and the neurotic! And i guess after we must find some way of fixing our brains haha! Ive been crying the whole time ive been writing this im gonna thank you coz ive never been able to acknowledge all my feelings.

    I know its silly but maybe start with every morning looking in the mirror and saying i love myself and so do others 10 times. its very simple but maybe saying it enough will make you start believing it. our rather us believing it.
     
    Last edited: 28 October 2009
  10. HappyNoodles

    HappyNoodles Gold Member

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    This really has caught my attention, you described EXACTLY what I went through last year.
    For my entire life I always said "when I'm thin.." about everything! My mam was an abusive alcoholic and when I was about 9, Charlotte Church was on the telly-also about 9- and my mam said she wished i was like that and not the fat little pig i was:( and ever since then, anything bad she's done on me over the years-and there is MANY, i blamed on my weight! I always thought, when i'm skinny she wont treat me like this.
    When i did lose all the weight she hated me even more so i've finally cut all ties, it's been a year and i feel great.
    ANYWAY, i blamed everything on my weight. When my social life wasn't booming,the fact i'm always broke, anything that ever goes wrong i seem to think that way!
    I got really tiny last year and i was chatting to a taxi man and we were talking about relationships,
    i said something like "i feel like the guy i'm seeing has a problem with my weight" -this was in context by the way!
    He shocked me with his reply "saying you're too thin like?"
    That's when i realised my mind hadn't caught up with my body,
    i sabbotaged myself over the next few months and here I am just over a year later and ALOT heavier!

    I'm soo glad i read you're post cos you REALLY hit the nail on the head for me,
    it wont improve much other than the obvious, health, clothes shopping etc.
    And i can't use my weight as an excuse for things that go wrong, they'll go wrong and right despite my weight!

    I really hope things at uni improve for you, maybe join some of the clubs, meet new people there?

    THANK YOU I'm so so gratefull for that insight, you have really changed my way of thinking.
    xxx
     
  11. littlemc

    littlemc Member

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    good for you for feeling you could get this out and being in such a supportive forum that makes you feel you could. I had a slip this week and felt rubbish afterwards but i think its the slips that help us to remember why we are doing it.
    I can relate to that 'when i am thin' mentality as i have been there myself. However i work as a mental health nurse and have nursed people with eating disorders. Whilst it is never just about food, that trigger starts things off and one thing this work experience taught me was that being thin does not equal success.
    Losing weight for health can help towards happiness and meeting our goals.
    Good luck and best wishes
    Tracey x
     
  12. Jesi

    Jesi Silver Member

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    I think i have to rate this thread as Hannah has opened up a whole new topic and has made most of us realise our issue with food is not just about looking fat but how we maintain being fat because we use it as an excuse for our problems.
     
  13. dunlop73

    dunlop73 Silver Member

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    Hi Hannah
    I am really sorry that you have been feeling so bad - especially when you are so supportive of the rest of us- you always have an encouraging and kind word to say to anyone who's going through it.

    I'm sure there are lots of us who blame all our problems on our weight and it must be a hard lesson to learn when you get to your goal that not everything is better. On the other hand you've proved you can face one major problem in your life and deal with it so it IS possible to face other problems too.

    Have you spoken to your doctor? A neighbour and good friend of mine lost his son three years ago and was in a terrible state. He received cognitive therapy from the docs and is a different person now - it has been a really tough road for him, and of course he will never get over his loss but he can now deal with it and get on with his own life again. I was speaking to him at the weekend about how I was worried about facing food again when I finish LT and he suggested it to me as being a great way to face your demons (whatever they are) and learn to deal with them. It was just a thought.

    Today is a new day anyway. I hope you have a good one.

    Jon
    xx
     
  14. soon2Byummymummy!

    soon2Byummymummy! Silver Member

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    Hey han hope you are feeling better today. I can also relate to everything everyone has said. But i also acknowledge that more often than not the way i believe others feel about me is all in my head if that makes sense. I am a bit of a loner and tend to keep myself to myself and so nobody really knows me to like or dislike me??? i once had an argument with a girl who was telling me that nobody in my village likes me and i just turned around and said to her nobody knows me to like me!!! its all very sad when you sit and actually think about it. another of my goals from now on will be to let my guard down with people!! and to let go of my own insecurities!! wow this thread is like therapy lol :) any way hope you are feeling better han and hope you are feeling able to get back on track and remember you have friends on here!!
     
  15. BetsyBotox

    BetsyBotox Silver Member

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    Hannah *biggest hugs in the world*

    :cry:

    My heart breaks for you. You are a complete and utter stunner, who is kind, caring and thoughtful. You do not deserve to feel this way. I wish I had a magic wand to take away all your bad feelings.

    I also wish I could go and smack the faces of those people who hurt you when you needed them most. Absolute heartless scum. They are not worth your precious thoughts. Karma is a ***** Hannah, they'll get what is coming to them. You don't need people like that in your life. Your company is the best company. You need to realise that you're a wonderful person and not everyone is like those so called past 'friends'. The people in work will get to know you and love you, just like we do!

    You need confidence. You need to keep looking in the mirror and acknowledge how bloody great you are! Repeat it in your head hourly! I really do think that maybe you should go and speak to someone about what happened in the past. You need to bury this. Put a lid on, and realise you did nothing wrong! They are the ones with the problems not you. So why should a wonderful person like yourself suffer.

    Forget the pizza sh*t. I think you know why it happened. Learn from it, and proudly move on. Don't ever disappear from forums again! I love how you unburdened here! Confession is good for the soul!

    Loads of love

    X

    Thanks everyone for sharing your feelings. I've had a little cry reading this thread. It's really lovely to read so many open thoughts and fears.
     
  16. Cookeh

    Cookeh Recovering Cookie Addict

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    I too can totally relate to your post. Since I met my husband and moved away from home I now have no friends. I gave up work due to ill health so I have no contact with people on a daily basis. My family... well, I won't go into that, but I am estranged from them as well. So really I have nobody around me, no support and am in a marriage that makes me miserable.

    I've been overweight all my life, or at least I thought so, my mother certainly told me I was fat from about the age of 10 until I cut ties with her and looking back I realise that it's because of that that I actually developed a weight problem since I wasn't overweight at all in my teenage years, I just thought I was.

    This whole "everything will be better when I lose weight" mentality is only natural amongst us, I mean, if you consider why we overate to begin with there's a whole psychological issue right there. However, the one thing I notice that nobody has mentioned and I certainly know this applies to me is that, even though the problems in my life will still exist when I get to goal, I will finally have the confidence to deal with them and to make the changes and do the things that will lead to a happier life. I could do all those things now, sure I could, but I have zero self esteem and I just can't bring myself to take action because I know if I fail I will blame it on my weight. I need to remove that factor from the equation altogether so I can actually get to what is *really* holding me back - and since I havent been at goal for 20 years it's a little hard to really answer that question.

    By opening up and laying out your feelings here in a public forum you have already acknowledged it to yourself. You know what needs to be done and you know nobody but you can achieve it. You've made a great achievement in your weightloss and it's natural that it will take time for your mind and way of thinking to catch up.

    Sending you a huge ((((((hug)))))) and hoping that clearing your head on here has helped refocus you and that you feel better today.
     
  17. Han_Han

    Han_Han ...

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    Thank you so much for your responses, guys, I did want to reply to them all individually but I've been busy preparing to go to Ireland tomorrow at bloody 4am (just to let you know that I'm not running out on you again, hehe) - my Mum is already there & she informs me that the swimming pool is amazing, so I'm looking forward to that :)

    You've really said some absolutely lovely things & have really opened up - thank you!! xx

    Hannah
     
  18. trixiefoofoo

    trixiefoofoo Full Member

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    Have a lovely time Hannah x
     
  19. fatisnofun

    fatisnofun Full Member

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    Han han..I recognise where you have been. I'm not going into it here, but I recognise it. Thing is, you just keep going, as I did and eventually you start to make new connections and new friends and before you know it, you've got a new social circle. You've done so well and are an inspiration to me....I'm glad that you are back on track, we are only human and we all lose track sometimes.

    I've had such a stressful day today and had to really fight with myself today NOT to go to the chines takeaway ARRRRGGH Like I had to fight with myself all the way home in the car! It was SOOOOOOOO difficult.

    Welcome to Ireland!!
     
  20. Nenya

    Nenya Full Member

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    Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life. Remember you are looking terrific now and believe in your self. Nobody solved anything by continuing to be fat. Anyone who does not have your best interests at heart are not worthy to be your friends. Stay strong and stop beating yourself up. You have lost loads of weight and below your target. Its just the toughest job to stay there. I am very scared at the prospect and know I will have put on this week after refeed, but am feeling good about the fact that I could have had a big wodge of cake, but had an extra shake instead. Focus on the big picture and don't get bogged down with the small things. Sending you lots of hugs x
     
  21. anne-mariep

    anne-mariep Silver Member

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    Enjoy Ireland just a warning bloody weather sucks at the moment here. Bring some sunshine please or at least a blue sky cant remember wat one looks like haha ok im being dramatic. Have a fab time halloween weekend is a laugh here where ever you go!
     
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