Desperate plea from a bad wemitt!

[mrs tweedy]

Hi guys,

You may have noticed my suspicious absence of late from the boards, the reasons for which are because I couldn't face you all .

I had completely fallen off the wemitt wagon and no matter how hard I tried I just could not seem to climb back on it .
Every day was the same, I would get up with all good intentions drink loads of water have my packs then binge like my life depended on it ... I could feel myself losing control as each day went by and I didn't know how to stop myself!!!

In the end I made Pete promise not to buy anymore sweets (or other contraband - lol) no matter how much I demanded/cried/pleaded with him! I have emptied the cupboards and fridge, but what scares me is am I always going to treat food like its all or nothing? How will I ever achieve a "normal balance"? It terrifies me seeing how just two short weeks had me reverting to my old self!

I have even considered cutting up my credit cards incase I was tempted to buy online How bad is that? I was so out of control that I was considering going to such extremes as ordering online to satisfy my greed !!!!

I have however managed to ss for the past 7 days but I am still SOOOO tempted to just throw in the towel - what on earth is going on with me? I feel so totally out of control and it is sooo scary.

I feel like I am thinking about food EVERY minute of the day, Every single minute there is a battle going on in my head with my "greedy" self and my "reasonable" self!

"If I just have a. b or c today I an start again tomorrow", or "if I just use this week to eat everything I am craving I can start afresh next week"

and all the while a tiny voice in the back of my head knows that it would not stop there, I know I would just carry on putting it off until I am back where I started 11 stones ago!!!

I am so sad that I have let my body get the way it has and so angry with myself for failing at the one diet that has made a difference!

Anyway, I am here to plea for some advice or guidance or even just a swift kick up the backside from my fellow wemitts, (I hope I am still welcome and able to call myself a wemitt)?

I am back in the 19s as of today but I had put on quite a lot of weight during my binge! This also scares me, how could I do that to myself again after all I have done to get this far? I suppose it is just the prospect of another 9+ months of ss ing it seems like such a large mountain to climb and I don't know if I am up to the challenge anymore

Oh how I wish that I had discovered this diet when I only had 5 st to lose rather than 20s + I am so down at the moment and I just don't know how to get positive and focused again ...

Anyhow, I have been reading the site daily and want to pass on my congrats to Sharon and Ann, the two most perfectly qualified people to become cdcs if ever there was a perfect candidate for the PERFECT CDC it would be both of you ladies! Well done and good luck in your new exciting venture! (and wow on your weight losses too - I am very pleased for you both)!

Big hugs to all the wemitts, and I will pop by again later if I get the chance... Thanks for reading xx

 

[Ivy]

Panic is starting to set in... and thats a reciepe for disaster

Maybe you are placing yourself under too much pressure...

You have 7 days down which is fantastic - i know you feel like you are on a cliff diet wise, but take every second if you have too... every minute...

It will get easier. You can do this. Just be good to yourself.

If you are convinced you will fail, you just may do.

Now - you CAN and will do this - at YOUR own pace...

Keep us posted!

Ivy

 

[bigbluefurrymonster]

The fact that you have commited your admittance to the written word is a big acheivement. It is acceptance for what you have done. Now- the future lies ahead... and what that future brings is in your control only!

I wish you the greatest luck in fulfilling your goal! and know how bad thos evil little voices in your mind can be!

I have heard that talking to yourself can be a good way of gaining power over them. Telling them verbally that it is no longer acceptable and that you are going to regain control of your life no matter how tempting what they are getting you to eat is!

Good luck!

We are all here to support you

Vicky
xx

I am only on day 14... but it feels like a life sentence. You need to learn to understand that this is not a punishment... it is a means to an end... to a brighter future!

x

 

[Mich]

Hi Mrs Tweedy!

I remember reading one of your first posts on DH what seems like a lifetime ago and although I have (at least I don't think I have...lol) ever 'spoken' with you I have followed with great interest your progress over the last few months and I felt I just had to respond to this posting.

You are not a failure - 11 stone down in my book is not failure - that is a huge achievement and one that you should be immensley proud of. OK you've gone of the rails for a couple of weeks - from what I have read you have been under an enormous amount of pressure with your old neighbours etc and to have stuck to CD through all that time is fantastic. The important thing is you have managed to get yourself back on it and stay on it for the past 7 days- soon them 7 will be 14, then 21, then a month, two etc (you catch my drift....lol!)

I do know where you are coming from about the eating like you can't stop! I have been 'off the scale' since going on holiday and have frightened myself by the amount I have been consuming - anyway, today was my first (and last) Day 1 - I had lost 6 stone and this morning it was 4 stone but I am pleased to say I have completed Day 1 100% and feel positive and focused.

You are not alone in your thoughts about eating but you have taken control and managed to stay SS for 7 days - so you are beating that 'devil on your shoulder'.

Good luck for the next 7 days.....YOU CAN DO IT - YOU KNOW YOU CAN Don't look at where you were look at where your going and what you've achieved so far....be proud - because you should be

Love

 

[IreneH]

Mrs T
You are not a failure. Just remember how much you have achieved so far and keep reminding yourself about it. that's how i get back on track.
Irene xx

 

[AKB]

Mrs T,
You are sooooooooo not alone honey. I am still obsessed by food. I think about it pretty much all the time, I dream about it, I fantasise about it and very often I end up eating it and then beat myself up with the guilt trips.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am a food addict, end of. Nothing does it for me like food does and like most addicts I don't know when to stop. Sole source whilst an absolute torture for most of the time was also a salvation in that it absolved me from taking any responsibility around food. I liken it to a food substitute like heroin addicts have methadone.

I shop online, honing my shopping list down several times to try and weed out stuff I am only buying so that I can eat it. My son lists the stuff he wants to eat for his meals out of the Eismann frozen foods catalogue and literally covers his plate when I am around as he knows I may help myself to his meal if he's not keeping a watch over me. At Easter he weighed his half eaten Easter eggs so he could be sure I hadn't snaffled any when his back was turned. He's 7 and I'm 39 and should be ashamed that I have so little control. But I don't so I've developed strategies which are helping me (and probably storing up all sorts of issues for my son which he'll have great fun explaining to his shrink in 30 years time ).

You are not a failure Mrs T; you a great success.

• Firstly you've already lost a huge amount of weight and kept it off during a very stressful time in your personal life.
• Secondly you are here admitting you've blipped and asking for support. If you were still in denial you wouldn't have done this, I think this is a BIG step in the right direction.
• Thirdly, 7 days sole sourcing is an achievement in its own right - SS is bloody hard for some of us.

I really take my hat off to those that grit their teeth and stick to it - after 4 months I'd just had enough and was only dragged thru it by the support of the people on these boards, my shrink and my CDC. From that day to this I have kicked and railed against the sheer injustice of the fact that I can't eat what I want and not have to accept the consequences, ie gaining weight. I will never be one of those people, I will, for the rest of my life, have to watch every bit of food I put in my mouth and accept the consequences of making poor choices. It stinks, and I hate knowing it but I can't change it - and I'm the only one getting the headache from banging my head against this particular brick wall. The wall isn't bothered how long I smack my head against it- it feels nothing.

Don't think about "another 9 months" on SS, just think about now. "I'm going to SS now, not tomorrow, next week, next month, after this chocolate/biscuit/pizza - NOW, right this minute".

I'm always a bit wary about doling out advice as I'm afraid it will sound pompous/high handed/offensive etc. but at the risk of upsetting you dear Mrs T, I'd say -

1. empty the house of everything that might tempt you
2. freeze every other foodstuff
3. get Pete to keep his food things hidden from you and to eat away from you ( I hope he doesn't mind!!)
4. get Pete to keep/hide your credit cards so you won't be tempted to buy online
5. physically remove yourself from temptation as much as you can.

You are not bad, mad or a failure.

You have a complex emotional and pyschological attachment to food which has established itself over years and years. You cannot expect to change it overnight or a few months. For myself, I expect it to take years - but then I've never been particularly quick on the uptake and like nothing better than doing everything the hard way

I wish I could wave a magic wand for you and make it all better (I'd wave it for myself too!!) but sadly it hasn't been invented yet. What I can do is to send you virtual {{{hugs}}} and say hang in there honey, I'm rooting for you and if there is any practical way I can help, let me know. You can do this - I have every faith in you.

Lots of love,
Ailsa
xxxx

 

[westhills]

There is no such thing as a bad WeMitt. A disappointed WeMitt maybe.
When all's said and done, this is a journey. On any journey, the potential for getting lost is there. Look at it like you've been lost, and couldn't see the map. Now you can, and you've even got a WeMitt satnav, telling you exactly which way to go. The scenary maight be prettier on the roadside of the "lost" way - but it doesn't lead to where you want to go - so what's the point???
Your CDC has a lot to answer for in my book - just how does she help you? not at all is my guess. It's hard enough when you have a brilliant CDC like I do, how you have lost 11 stone virtually alone is beyond me, and is a tremendous achievement.
You KNOW you can do it, and when it is time to eat again (as it is for me now) you just keep on doing as you're told (not a quality I've been known for in the past!!) I keep expecting the hungry monsters to overwhelm me , but they haven't, as yet. They're there, I know they are, waiting, in the background, but they're controlled at the moment.
Welcome back, Mrs Tweedy, you have been missed.
Ann xxxxx

 

[Russiandoll]

Hi Mrs T
It's so good to have you posting again: you are so valued and loved by your fellow wemitts ... please don't feel that you can't sit amongst us and pour your heart out or that you somehow aren't 'qualified' to be classed as a wemitt - you are a wemitt through and through and have inspired me with your grit and sheer determination even in the face of some major stress.

Wemitts have to face such daunting weight-loss journeys and we all know that for us, it's a marathon and not a sprint ... even on a super-fast diet such as a VLCD.
But some wise person on Minimins mentioned the other day that marathon runners don't run 26 miles - they run 1 mile 26 times.

That's been the only way I've managed to get this far on my own weight loss journey: if I stepped back at the start and looked at the whole picture, the thought of having to lose 12st would have been too daunting to contemplate so I had to keep my focus tight and my goals obtainable. I never imagined what I'd look like at a size 12 or how I'd feel at 10st because that was all fantasy land and totally unconnected to where I was at that time.

Even now, I jump from one tiny step to the next. I've lost 87lb since March and my next micro-goal is to get over the 90lb mark. Just 4lb away .... just 4lb.
Just remember that when a hurdler sets off on 'the B of the Bang', although he knows he has a whole race to complete, his eyes are firmly fixed on the first hurdle and not beyond that.

You WILL dig deep Mrs T and find that resolve because that's who you are - a fighter who never gives up. I'm proud to know you.

Take care and chin up .... we're all behind you 100% of the way.

XX

 

[Summerskye]

I'm not sure that I can add anything more to the wonderful advice you've already been given here, but have sent you a PM which I hope also helps in some way.

I just wanted to thank you publicly for the wonderful compliment you paid myself and Ann. It means a great deal to me, and I'll do my very best to live up to your expectations.

You certainly have been missed. Don't go away again, OK?

Much love

 

[Isobel1965]

Mrs T - you're human. End of.

Don't beat yourself up for a minor delay in your incredible journey! You've achieved far more than most of us can ever comprehend.

You've managed 7 days again - that's incredible! Most people would have thrown in the towel, but here you are, ready to take on the world again - you rock!!!

Welcome back, darling!!!

 

[Gill-cdthing]

you have come back and are ready to go again, which shows your not a failure, good luck

 

[skinnymongoose]

Mrs Tweedy,
Wow - 11 stone - that is an astonishing achievement, only a very strong person could do that. I take my hat off to you, and I don't say that very often! Keep going, you are back on track. Everyone has given you such great advice and encouragement, especially AKB. I am a food addict too, don't know how I'll ever live a 'normal' food life, but I know I need to lose this weight or I'll never have a normal life in any respect, or even a very long one perhaps. Lots of us know how you feel, take strength from that and KEEP ON GOING!
SM

 

[mrs tweedy]

Firstly I would just like to say a huge thankyou to all you guys who responded to a very desperate wemitt last night, I was feeling so very down and really believe that you have helped refocus my mind and I feel that I can tentatively take on this diet again and hopefully get back into the swing of things lol.

I am totally overwhelmed by all your kindness.
I didn’t reply last night because I was so choked with emotion that I couldn’t see straight, let alone type! Lol.
You are all such wonderful caring people and I appreciate every single word that was written to me, Thankyou from the bottom of my heart.

Ivy, Thankyou for being the first wemitt to stop by and offer some sage words, I appreciate it very very much xx

Bigbluefurrymonster, (fantastic name lol) Thankyou for your encouragement, I will have to try that “talking to myself” thing when my demon chatterbox starts up again, (although I think I will wait until I am home alone before I start to argue out loud with myself haha). xx

Mich, Thankyou so much, your comments really helped when you said 7 days will soon be 14 then 21 etc I really started to look at things more positively, I began to remember that it was only february 4th when I started this diet and look how far along we are now, september!!!
I will try to take each day as it comes and try to remember that days DO turn into weeks and that I will reach 9 more months xx

Congrats on getting through the dreaded day 1 again, and sticking with it xx

Irene, Thankyou for your kind words of encouragement, I will try to keep reminding myself of how much I have already lost rather than how much I have yet to lose xx

AKB, wow what a lovely post (as usual you know just how to put into words all the things I need to hear).
I totally identify with the food addict thing, I will have to try to accept it as you have and find a way to deal with it successfully.
LOL @ your son and his weighing the easter eggs (so cute)!
I have also been rebelling and feeling angry at the injustice of the fact that I can’t eat whatever whenever (well, not without the inevitable consequences) I suppose I have to just accept that life is not fair and if my skinny sisters and friends can eat whatever they want without getting fat, then I should just be happy for them and start to focus on what I have got in my life rather than what I haven’t got! (difficult though), as I am still quite the petulant kid really and often feel like stamping my feet and yelling IT’S NOT FAIR!!!! Haha

I have taken all your advice on board and am grateful for it. Pete eats out most of the time anyway so he is totally fine with not having food at home, I think he just was trying to be kind when letting me have a “few days off” which turned into a few weeks lol, and he didn’t realise that to say to someone like me “oh go on, don’t worry about it, it doesn’t matter, you have done so well and deserve a treat” etc etc is like giving me a green light – and carte blanche to do whatever I wanted that one day treat turned into a mammoth binge fest that could have gone on forever – so I made him absolutely promise not to give in to my demands and luckily he has stuck to his guns, (believe me, over the past 7 days of ssing I have tried to cajole, and cry and plead and bargain with him, but he has just kept on reminding me that I had made him absolutely promise not to give in, and how bad I would feel etc etc but the poor man has been walking a knifes edge this past week lol).

Thankyou so much, your words have really helped me. xx

Ann, Thankyou for your lovely post which as usual made perfect sense, I love the analogy of the wemit satnav, lol I think I need it at the moment to stay on the right path, You are right the other path does have better scenery but it definitely wont take me to where I want to be so I need to try to remember that and trust that my journey will end where I want it to given time. I really wish you all the luck in the world with the reintroducing food, you are a stronger person than me that is for sure! I know people say that you are at the hardest stage now, but I also know that if anyone can do it, you can! xx

Debbie, Another post full of sage advice! Thankyou so much for your words.

I will let you into a secret, it was you who actually got me through this last week of ssing!
*Ages ago you posted something to someone on the DH boards and I found it so wise and inspirational that I copied it to my desktop.( I am glad I did, because it is those wise words that have got me to day 8 of ss)!
Each and every day I have opened that document and read over and over what you had written, and do you know something? It has gotten me through some very difficult moments. Here it is:

There are three possible options for you and only three.

1. Stop the diet, eat healthily and maintain at your current weight.
Is this an option for you? Yes? Then do it. No? Then move to option two.

2. Stop the diet and say 'sod it all', eat what you like and gain weight.
Is this an option for you? Yes? Then do it. No? Then move to option three.

3. Continue to make an effort to lose weight.
Is this an option for you? Yes? Then do it. No? Then look back at options 1 & 2.

So THANKYOU from the bottom of my heart, you quite literally saved me! I bet you didn’t realise that posting words on a message board could impact a person so radically? but your words struck a chord with me, and you have helped me more than you will ever realise! You are like a little cyber angel xx

I will try to keep in mind that a marathon is run one mile at a time and try to stay focused, thankyou so much. xx

Sharon, I cannot tell you how much your pm helped me, You always say just the right thing, and always make me feel a million dollars, and I absolutely love you for it – you are a real friend – Thankyou xx

Isobel, Thankyou for the welcome back, (you also rock)! xx

Gillian, Thankyou, I am starting to feel less of a failure thanks to all you guys and feel ready to take on the diet again! xx

skinnymongoose, (lol, another fantastic name) Thankyou for your words of encouragement, It is nice to know I am not the only person out there who struggles with food issues and I really take comfort from the fact that others also know where I am coming from with all those foody demons! Thankyou xx

Well off to dry my tears and do a little housework! I will pop by later hopefully, but I really just want to reiterate how much each and every one of you has helped me, you will never truly know what your words have meant to me (especially last night) but take it from me you are all WONDERFUL WEMITTS!!!!!

(“\(*-*)/”) *bows down to the wise wemitts* (“\(*-*)/”)

 

[AKB]

Hi Mrs T,
So glad to see you back posting again and that you are feeling more positive today!

Well straight away I can tell you that I envy you your Pete - he sounds like an absolute gem. How lovely it must feel to have such a supportive and long suffering (in the nicest possible way) partner. I'm sending him a look of total admiration and hope he can bask in the glow of it!!

Perhaps we should start a "It's Not Fair" thread where we can go and rant and rave about the sheer injustice of this addiction?? I do the petulant child thing rather well too, perhaps it stems from something in our childhoods? Let's blame our parents - ah no, maybe not, as a parent now myself I don't fancy being on the receiving end!

As for the acceptance - well I've not accepted it at all - I just admit my addiction exists now and understand that I can't change it. The only way for me not to eat the 2nd biscuit/cake/crisp etc is not to have the first. Putting contraband in my mouth gives me 2 choices;
spit or swallow (no double entendres folks please ).

Chewing food and then spitting it out is such a waste and a complete anathema to me. (Not for nothing am I now understanding Freud's theories likening eating to sex!!!)

Swallowing "contraband" will lead me to have high blood sugars, raised insulin circulation, etc and ultimately gain weight. OK, it could be argued that one could regurgitate it back up or abuse laxatives to speed up its passage and hopefully reduce it's nutritional impact - but let's face it, both of those activities are highly dangerous and the start of serious eating related disorders and best avoided at all costs.

So, overall it's just simpler not to eat what I know is not nutritionally good for me and may lead me down the slippery slope of binge eating. And I've been at the bottom of that slope enough times to know it's a bloody hard slog to get back up. Holding the kitchen door shut so my son can't see me ramming food down my throat so fast I can't taste it - eating foods I don't even like (yes I probably would have eaten celery if I had any) is not a dignified place to be.

Losing weight is a process - some people can do it much quicker/with less trauma etc than others. Much as babies learn to walk with a lot of falling over, bumping themselves, tears and frustration etc we have to learn to eat again. I have smacked my head countless times on the carpet of eating, I probably have a few thousand more falls to get up from yet but the more I practise the easier it will get until perhaps one day I won't have to think about it every second of every hour of every day.

You will do this - it's not a race, there are no prizes for being the first at goal weight, as long as you keep going in the right direction you'll get there. You have a fantastic support in Pete and together you can achieve anything!

Come on WeMITTS - let's do a Mexican wave for Mrs T


A
xxxx

 

[mrs tweedy]

Ailsa, you have seriously got me lmao here, nearly peed my pants at the spit or swallow bit I love reading your posts, ever considered stand up?

I shant be passing on your words to Pete (don't want him getting all big headed now do I) - believe me, he doesn't need any encouragement to bask in the glory of such lofty compliments!!! although secretly I agree with you about him - I won't be telling him that!!!

Thanks A, you are lovely!

(“\(*-*)/”) Sends mexican wave back to you (“\(*-*)/”)

 

[westhills]

Ailsa - you are just one wonderful WeMitt.
Ann x

 

[AKB]

Aw shucks guys!!!

Just want to help others learn from my wholly unedifying mistakes!

A
xxxx

 

[Russiandoll]

Hi Mrs T
So glad to see you're a bit more chipper today. I was gobsmacked that you still had that post of mine! I can remember it now ... one of my more 'profound' moments obviously!

AKB - your post had me chuckling! Like you, I'm a dyed in the wool 'swallower' ... as I'm a lady and don't like the nasty habit of spitting, I only allow things in my mouth that I'm happy to swallow.

I suppose that list will have to be extended once I finish SSing!!

I had my first 'Creative Writing' lecture and seminar today. Our task in the seminar was 'Write an account of your life in ten images'. Hardly fair as I'm considerably older than most of the other students: I should have been given at least 20 images!!

I also went over to the University gym and picked up an application form as I've now sold enough of my bigger clothes on ebay to pay for a year's Gold membership!! Woo hoo!! (Poetic justice or what?? )

I'll let you know how it goes once I get signed up.

I have an opticians appointment tomorrow for an eye test and retinal scan (diabetes thing). I have a horrible suspicion that I need specs ... the tiny print in my huge English text books is wobbling when I'm trying to focus on it - not good! I've had excellent vision up til now but ageing is a mean, mean thing! I tried a couple of pairs on yesterday for size and Steve said I looked like 'intelligent totty' .... an interesting if unconventional compliment!

Anyway - hope you're all having a great day!

 

[mrs tweedy]

You know wemitts, isn't it funny how life throws things your way just when you need it most? A good friend of mine has just sent me the following email (she doesn't know about my diet or what I have been going through recently, and yet she chose today to send this to me): (Debbie, I bet you will look fab in specs - very much top totty!!!!!)


Subject: FW: It's all about attitude! [Scanned]>>>> John is the kind of guy you love to hate. He is always in a good mood and always has something positive to say. When someone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, "If I were any better, I would be twins!" He was a natural motivator.

If an employee was having a bad day, John was there telling the employee how to look on the positive side of the situation.Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up and asked him, "I don't get it! You can't be a positive person all of the time. How do you do it?"

He replied, "Each morning I wake up and say to myself, you have two choices today. You can choose to be in a good mood or ... you can choose to be in a bad mood. I choose to be in a good mood."

Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be a victim or...I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes to me complaining, I can choose to accept their complaining or... I can point out the positive side of life. I choose the positive side of life.

"Yeah, right, it's not that easy," I protested.

"Yes, it is," he said. "Life is all about choices.When you cut away all the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people affect your mood. You choose to be in a good mood or bad mood. The Bottom line: It's your choice how you live your life."

I reflected on what he said. Soon hereafter, I left the Tower Industry to start my own business. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.
Several years later, I heard that he was involved in a serious accident, falling some 60 feet from a communications tower.After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, he was released from the hospital with rods placed in his back.

I saw him about six months after the accident.

When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I'd be twins...Wanna see my scars"?

I declined to see his wounds, but I did ask him what had gone through his mind as the accident took place.

"The first thing that went through my mind was the well-being of my soon-to-be born daughter," he replied. "Then, as I lay on the ground, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live or...I could choose to die. I chose to live."

"Weren't you scared? Did you lose consciousness?" I asked. He continued, "...the paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled me into the ER and I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read 'he's a dead man'. I knew I needed to take action."
"What did you do?" I asked."Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me," said John. "She asked if I was allergic to anything,’ Yes, I replied.' The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply.
I took a deep breath and yelled, 'Gravity'."

Over their laughter, I told them, "I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead." He lived, thanks to the skill of his doctors, but also because of his amazing attitude... I learned from him that every day we have the choice to live fully.

Attitude, after all, is everything.

Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

You have two choices now:01. Delete this02. Forward it to the people you care about.

You know the choice I made.

 

[kandy]

Hey Mrs Tweedy,
Thats just fab , so sorry to hear you were feeling so down its great to see you back and 8 days in WHOOOOHOOOO wel done you sending you lots of positive vibes xxxx