Diary of an ex-satisfied binger in a fat suit...

[nina]

Today is day 9 doing CD ss+... the only way I have been able to make it these days is with SMALL amounts of protein when I feel dizzy or hungry...now I know I am in ketosis cuz I don't feel as hungry as I did the first few days...day four and five were rough...excruciatingly rough! I almost gave up...but I met a new friend on here who is encouraging me to finally breakthrough and achieve this goal...she reminds me a lot of myself...ten years ago...and we are exactly ten years apart!

My mom always says: two things we can't get back once theyre gone --> health and time. and now it's my time to get healthy! I watched ten years creep along and I did no real actions to attack the very thing that was suffocating me...I mean yes, I got out of bad marriages, but at what expense! 100 lbs later in sadness and misery, only to bring some baggage into my current marriage.

My current husband is wonderful and loves me for me ...he has always been supportive even at my lowest moments...for that he will be my best friend forever. My daughter and my husband deserve a happy mommy and happy wife: which got me thinking this new year 2012... What will make me happy. Simple answer: live your dreams as a thin and healthy version of you, the person you have always wanted to let shine...and so my journey began nine days ago...

I will try to use this diary to sort out my random thoughts along the way...

 

[nina]

Day ten. Not feeling well...dietwise I am fine but doc says I have brochitis and three days home is making me stir crazy!

I didn't weigh myself this week as per mu husbands suggestion. He has witnessed how in the past the scale can become my obsession and quickly an enemy to diet even when I am 100% on. So the plan is to weigh in end of week four...hoping by then cd will be second nature and I would be well into my way of exercising.

Having small amount of low carb items, meat or eggs or two tablespoons of salad have really changed my perspective of the value of food.I don't require copious amounts of food to survive...and anything carb laden, like the cinnabons I made for my family, we not even tempting...I saw them as POISON for my body...poison for the here and now...and I realized something, it's not the end of my world if I didn't eat it...there are choices and opportunities to enjoy foods in moderation after my diet.

Only 164 days to go.

 

[bluegirl]

Those 164 days will fly by! Well done for achieving what you have, especially while you're poorly. I'm looking forward to hearing about less of you! X

 

[nina]

Thanks bluegirl! Any words of encouragement are greatly appreciated...fighting the chatterbox inside me is challenging and some hours more of a struggle than usual.

You have done well on your journey! I look forward to hearing about your progress.

 

[nina]

Day thirteen...I made it this far...I can go farther...irrespective of my little blip yesterday...it is still stay thirteen...I spent the night with only healthy choices like a bit of apple, a yogurt (on a course of antibiotics for bronchitis and I feel a bit uncomfortable in the girl department, TMI but it's my diary ) and a tuna salad with some bits of green salad and no mayo...

Although my blip wasn't extreme...what I ate wasn't more than 50 g of carbs...but maybe part of my moodiness was my body's reaction to the sugar in the natural cough syrup...ok so I won't beat up myself...I didn't cheat on the diet to cheat myself...I just had a blipity bump...but I am moving forward...

Good thing I don't WI for another two weeks...gives me time to really get myself together.

 

[nina]

Back onto SS tomorrow. 3 shakes and 3 liters of water. Abstinence is best, but I think I cannot do it...first, I can fall pregnant at anytime, and I wouldn't want to be lacking essential vitamins.

Tonight I had a pity binge...must see what emotional hunger that was...basically my DH was mad cuz while we were out in public, a man was staring at me...and this made DH unhappy...I just usually ignore it, cuz I am used to people staring at me (for many diffeent reasons)... Anyways he was in a bad mood after the altercation and was irritable with me...so, when I got home, I just shoved and shoved whatever I could find...now I feel stuffed and no better.

Why do I still react like a young child with the need for instant fulfillment...aha and day 13 nonetheless ;(

 

[Sapphireblue]

if it helps, someone who used to be on here got pregnant whilst on CD and she was fine. you would find out about the pregnancy way before your limited diet could affect the baby.
there are a lot of vitamins and minerals in the products, probably more than you could ever get through food!

 

[Lara1986]

Oh that's a horrible experience, so sorry to hear that, other people can be so insensitive. This is more than a weight loss journey, so you've stepped into a dark place and reverted to old comfortable responses, but that's something I know you are already questioning, understanding and learning from. Im struggling with bingeing and I'm pretty much at goal and realize, with the help of people here, that I've never ever had a weight problem, I have just developed a response of using food to address other issues. I think it's great not to weigh in for a month.

I'm sure your poor health played a big part also as you weren't in ketosis. Get into ketosis and use the liberation from food to try and combat the binge issues.

Head up xxx

 

[nina]

Thanks sapphire and Lara...your comments put some of my thoughts into perspective...I know this journey will not be easy but we all must do it one day or other...I don't think of myself as having failed or more so that I am a failure...rather I think of B Skinner: there are no mistakes or failure, it is just a matter of inappropriate environmental conditions and our responses to these.

Day 14 mission is forward from here on end

 

[bevlier]

hi nina
I hope you are feeling better now after your bronchitis. I've decided I am going to spend as much time on this site as possible as reading about everyone else's struggles shows me that I'm not alone in not being perfect at this and reading people's successes shows me that it can be done. And I think for me it MUST be done. I really want to be a healthy weight - not for anyone else, I don't think my husband could love me any more than he already does but for me. Just because I've got away with it this far doesn't mean my obesity won't catch up with me sooner or later. I want to be around for a long time yet! My darling girls are only 13 and 10 and I want to be here for them for a very long time. I hope to "see" you back on here soon xxx we can all help each other through this x

 

[nina]

Thanks bev for stopping by and giving words of encouragement...bronchitis is better but not entirely cleared up...I kept with the soups for a few days I was unwell, then I must have been thrown out of ketosis due to meds, so I am looking to do a mini restart...it's the end of my third week...I am still counting down to July...I am looking towards a full ss restart on Saturday...so that one week off plan...nice and rounded out lol.

We will do this bev...as long as we believe in ourselves.

Great on you for sticking with you final plan...not being fat and forty...that's a great goal to be healthy for the long run!