Doctor's referral and a cry for help!

[Bbarb]

I've joined you on behalf of my husband (diabetic type 2) - how ridiculous is that?
His GP gave him a 12 week free SW voucher and after dithering for about 6 months he finally managed to get himself signed up and we (yes they allowed me to go too but I don't get weighed of course) attended our first meeting last night.
My problem is that he won't take responsibility for his problem - he weighed in at 19 stone 12lb. I really felt like hitting him when he said 'Oh she's in control of the cooking and its her fault I'm fat, she never takes responsibility for anything' - well no, it isn't my fault - I can't stop him buying chocolate bars, pork pies, crisps and sitting eating nuts all evening. I don't shove the food down his throat (anyway he's almost 6ft tall and I'm under 5ft)
I tell him I can't diet for him, only myself, and at 8stone 2lb I am not overweight. We eat the same food but I don't eat as much. I told the leader that his real problem is that he is seriously always HUNGRY and she said that he could fill up on free food as much as he wants. So he does.
Last night I made a huge pasta salad (intended to last until today's munch) and he ate the lot, even though I'd clingfilmed it and put it in the fridge. He got it out, spooned almost half a jar of mayonnaise on it and ate it in the kitchen while I watched TV.
OK - so he's not happy about having to accept help. he's being horrible to me because he's one of these people who are never wrong - its always someone else's fault - I'm making him sound most unpleasant but he is a nice person really and I don't want him to die, we've been married 57 years.
He refuses even to fill in his diary and expects me to do it (I am doing one secretly but I haven't told him hoping when we attend next week the group leader will stress the importance of him doing it for himself). He's not learning anything by leaving it all to me and I'm turning into the Diet Gestapo.
How can I get him to take control?

 

[Jodstar21]

Bless your heart. Sounds like an unpleasant situation for you at the moment. It sounds like you are doing all the right things for your husband and supporting him in every way possible. From the sounds of it, I really don't think there is much more you can do. Losing weight is so hard. It really is one of the very few things in life that you can only do yourself. Yes you can support him like you are doing but he is the only one that can actually lose the weight.

It sounds like batch cooking might not work for your husband if he is eating it all in one go, so maybe you should look at cutting out the batch cooking? Make sure he stays to group each week as that can be quite motivating. They are my only suggestions really as I think you are doing all the right things. If I can think of anymore I will let you know!

 

[buffy3256]

Have you ever seen My 600lbs life? On the show, the doctor talks a lot about enablers, but also about the patients taking responsibility for their food choices. Basically you are right in that he is choosing what he eats. To be honest, and I say this as someone who is massively overweight, even if you don't provide the food he wants, as long as he has the ability to physically go to a shop he will buy food.

My mother always used to try and make me diet as a child, and as a teenager. i didn't want to though, so as soon as I started working a Saturday job, most of my money would go on food. This started a lot of secret eating. When you eat secretly, you eat a lot more than you think because the focus is on getting it down rather than enjoying what you are eating. So whilst I appreciate you are trying to help him, telling him not to eat something is not going to stop him eat it.

I've lost a lot of weight twice in my life - once aged 20/21, and now again aged 33/34. Both times something happened, and I decided I wanted to lose weight. Most people will tell you a story about what triggered their weight loss. Until you have that motivation though, it's not going to happen.

One thing that has worked with me both times is Atkins - i believe the key for me was not having to count things, and this allowed me to actually start understanding when i was hungry, but also when i just wanted to eat. I'm not suggesting try Atkins, but Slimming world has free food, so I would encourage your hubby to snack on chicken, and other low proteins. if he doesn't fancy chicken, then he's not hungry. The other thing that might work, is to stop cooking for him (or start a rota system where you take it in turns to cook). This way he can start to take responsibility for what he eats.

If he doesn't want to fill in the diary, don't do it for him. Also don't go to class. if he doesn't want to lose weight, he won't lose weight no matter what you do. Even if you hold his hand through everything at home, once he is out of the house he can eat whatever he wants.

This is written to help, and i hope your hubby does manage to lose some weight. But it won't happen unless he decides it will happen.

 

[Bbarb]

That's very sensible Buffy, thank you.
One big thing that younger ladies find hard to understand, is the fact that I really can't expect him to come in and start cooking. He's a farmer, on his own with no staff, and works all day, every day from 7am till 7pm at night, he does take the afternoon of Xmas day off. Realistically it's not fair to expect him to take over the cooking even one day a week - just as he doesn't expect me to lift 112lb bags of sheep feed or take the tractor out muckspreading. So much as I love the share the cooking idea - it ain't going to happen.
I decided I'm going to class this week if only to speak to the leader and see if I can get her to understand our way of life. I think she'd be surprised at just how much pasta one large man can get through in a session! And food is food even if its a free food on SW, and food contains calories.
I also think Jodstar is right and that I should stop batch cooking (or perhaps get it into the freezer as quickly as possible even if its going to be eaten the following day). The Diabetic Society recommend an Atkins type regime nowadays - they used to go for the 'healthy plate' but now its low carbohydrate high fat, and they encourage snacking on things like meat and cheese (but no pasta or potatoes).
I'll try the chicken legs in the fridge idea.

 

[YoghurtLover]

Hello Bbarb! My advice would be not to worry about portion size at all. This is slimming world, and we can have HUGE meals. If your husband has been working hard and is hungry and you don't mind cooking for him, cook the biggest imaginable portions of pasta and slimming world chips, etc., and let him eat the lot if he wants. I would make the portions even bigger than he usually eats -- but all free food. That way, he may not feel deprived and so should eat fewer high-calorie snacks (which sound like they are doing the damage). He should be allowed up to 25 syns a day, so encourage him to add a couple of dollops of mayo -- and syn them! Then let him have a beer (or two) or something else nice - again just syn it. At this point, use the maximum 25 syns a day if necessary. It may seem mad to encourage huge portions, but slimming world works that way -- in return, you learn that you can't go mad eating all the other stuff that is not allowed, but you don't mind that so much as you are no longer hungry and have a huge dinner to look forward to. If he has a lot to lose, he will lose even if he eats huge portions -- so long as it is all free food. If you can get him into the programme by cooking a huge dinner and letting him have a massive cooked breakfast (all using free food), he will eventually be more sensible (hopefully). The trick is not to let him feel deprived by encouraging him to eat (much) more than you probably think is sensible for weight loss. If he starts losing, he will hopefully see that it is really easy and then buy into it more and take more responsibility himself. If not, you have done all that you can! Good luck!