I am feeling quite low today. I have also considered myself a die-hard abstainer - after all I managed to get through a 3 week holiday with my family without having any food at all. But at the weekend I had a major lapse, borne out of a moment of idiocy that was entirely my own fault and entirely avoidable.
I went home to Mum's for the weekend (she is also on Cambridge but quite successfully has occasional days off for meals) and we decided to pop up to Sheffield to see my brother. Its about 2 hours away and knowing we would probably spend the whole day there I still decided not to take any packs with me thinking that as I hadn't bought any tetras home it would be a pain having a lumpy shake at my brother's place. Made it through loads of the day - even through a meal where my Mum decided to eat and I just had water. By about 2pm I was starting to feel awful - we had been walking around a lot and I had my breakfast shake very early. BY 3pm I was barely staying on my feet and my family were quite concerned I was about to pass out. They told me I needed some food as it would be at least 3-4 hours before getting home as we were out and about. So, in tears, I had the biscuit they bought me and very quickly felt a lot better. But then my little voice started telling me I was already out of ketosis so I may as well write off Saturday and eat what I liked. So I did. I binged and ignored any hint that I might be full, telling myself I needed to cram in all the things I wanted before Sunday when I would be back abstaining and I went to bed feeling bloated and sluggish.
On Sunday I got up fully planning to abstain all day. Had my shake and went out shopping with Mum. She made some off-hand comment about food and almost immediately I was bargaining about how I may as well have the rest of the weekend eating. So yesterday was a write-off too. Today, back at home alone I am back on abstinence and I think I will manage to get back on OK but I am still feeling rubbish about the weekend.
Part of me is glad that I ate because I was terrified of going back to food which is crazy but part of me is still terrified because I have proved I still have no self control and now I am scared about getting near target and moving into food again. I am also worried because I do want to have set days over the Christmas period where I am not dieting but equally I want these days to be times where I can eat what I like but NOT binge and now I am not sure I have the control to do that. I just thought 5 months of perfect abstinence would have taught me something and I feel a bit of a failure for not being able to stop.
I have emailed my CDC this morning because I feel like I have let her down and in my warped head that is an excuse not to go back cos she might be cross with me so I have been brave and explained it to her this morning and she has already emailed with some very supportive comments. I still want to prove I have the self-control to eat on isolated occasions at Xmas without turning into a food-monster but for now I am back SS'ing I hope.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it out somewhere! Am freaked I will have gained weight but not being weighed till next monday so fingers crossed 7 days abstinence will fix it!
Hope everyone else had a good weekend,
Kerrie x
I went home to Mum's for the weekend (she is also on Cambridge but quite successfully has occasional days off for meals) and we decided to pop up to Sheffield to see my brother. Its about 2 hours away and knowing we would probably spend the whole day there I still decided not to take any packs with me thinking that as I hadn't bought any tetras home it would be a pain having a lumpy shake at my brother's place. Made it through loads of the day - even through a meal where my Mum decided to eat and I just had water. By about 2pm I was starting to feel awful - we had been walking around a lot and I had my breakfast shake very early. BY 3pm I was barely staying on my feet and my family were quite concerned I was about to pass out. They told me I needed some food as it would be at least 3-4 hours before getting home as we were out and about. So, in tears, I had the biscuit they bought me and very quickly felt a lot better. But then my little voice started telling me I was already out of ketosis so I may as well write off Saturday and eat what I liked. So I did. I binged and ignored any hint that I might be full, telling myself I needed to cram in all the things I wanted before Sunday when I would be back abstaining and I went to bed feeling bloated and sluggish.
On Sunday I got up fully planning to abstain all day. Had my shake and went out shopping with Mum. She made some off-hand comment about food and almost immediately I was bargaining about how I may as well have the rest of the weekend eating. So yesterday was a write-off too. Today, back at home alone I am back on abstinence and I think I will manage to get back on OK but I am still feeling rubbish about the weekend.
Part of me is glad that I ate because I was terrified of going back to food which is crazy but part of me is still terrified because I have proved I still have no self control and now I am scared about getting near target and moving into food again. I am also worried because I do want to have set days over the Christmas period where I am not dieting but equally I want these days to be times where I can eat what I like but NOT binge and now I am not sure I have the control to do that. I just thought 5 months of perfect abstinence would have taught me something and I feel a bit of a failure for not being able to stop.
I have emailed my CDC this morning because I feel like I have let her down and in my warped head that is an excuse not to go back cos she might be cross with me so I have been brave and explained it to her this morning and she has already emailed with some very supportive comments. I still want to prove I have the self-control to eat on isolated occasions at Xmas without turning into a food-monster but for now I am back SS'ing I hope.
Sorry for the long post, I just needed to get it out somewhere! Am freaked I will have gained weight but not being weighed till next monday so fingers crossed 7 days abstinence will fix it!
Hope everyone else had a good weekend,
Kerrie x