Hiya,
Well done on taking a look into the scary place that is your mind!!
I think it is one of the hardest things to do, to come to terms with the things that are affecting us on a psychological level.
I never had a premie, but had a ruptured uterus with my last son, he ended up in scbu, I ended up in ITU, we both nearly died and I spent days listening to people telling me what a miracle it was.
It took me a long long time to get over the shock, and I never have got over the fact that I have been told it would probably kill me to have another child.
The thing is, it doesn't matter what it is that causes us to comfort eat, to each of us, our problems can be all consuming...
What I can say, is that you can most definitely take control back and it is such a great feeling when you do
Over the past few years, we lost our business, our home, I lost my all time best friend and more recently, me and my husband seperated. On top of that I have a child who has Aspergers, goes to a specialist boarding school so I worry each day, and have three others who I now have to juggle for being a single mum. On top of that I am broke.
I'm only saying all this, not for pity or sympathy, but just to prove that even with a lot of things trying to prove that life is too hard, you can beat those gremlins!!
I often think that when I was on and off the plan last year, I just didn't feel worthy of being slim, But as Liz say's you can't let the past dictate anything. It is a finished page in your book and the ONLY thing you CAN influence is the 'now'
To be jelous of your sister for carrying full term is pointless (not in a condescending way) but because it doesn't affect anything other than your sanity. It will eat away at you.
Enjoy your new neice and nephew, and realise how lucky you are to be here to enjoy him/her a;long with your own baby. In a few months you will also be slimmer and healthier, much more able to be running around after the young ones.
Remember positivity is the key..... writing down stuff is so good, write down about how binging or over eating will help in any certain situation, how it will make you feel, or made you feel. Then write down how avoiding a binge or relapse will help and how it makes you feel.
Get your motivations for being slim clear int he forefront of your mind, replace those negative feelings with your new thoughts, the mind is simple and can't keep all those things at the front of the mind... everytime your mind wanders, bring it back to what is important to you..
You will get there!!
x