Well, I'm back. I haven't updated any signatures so it'll all be wrong! Basically, I'm furious with myself. I've started and stopped so many times and I'm fed up of it! I manage to shut the nagging voice down and just ignore it. I would do thing like have a planned weekend off, and then think "I can't start again on x day because of y reason etc etc". I think in the world of addictions it's called bargaining. Justifying bad choices and then even kind of believing it. I was going to start JUDDD, then I was going to start healthy eating, then I was going to do this, that and the other and I made carefully detailed plans which I then never acted on. The fact is, my weight gain has affected much more than my health. I can't stand going out, I developed a habit of drinking to excess just to cope with being in a social situation. I had panic attacks, I would cry before I had to leave the house and I would always be aware of how much I hate my body. I was unable to have a conversation without standing in a way that I could hide it. Holding my bag in front of me and making sure I was wearing baggy clothes. I've lost friends because I've been so anti social and they've tired of me, I've become very lonely and haven't even seen my family for so long because I'm ashamed. I know for a fact my mum would have something to say about my weight, she always does! I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me, and doesn't make a big deal about my weight but I know he worries about how unhappy I am. I'm on day 2 of a restart, using up my stocks of a cheap but rubbish one before going back to Cambridge. I feel confident, I bought a swimming costume in a size 16 and as soon as it fits (it's a bit too tight at the mo, I'm between sizes) I'm joining the gym around the corner and going swimming every day after work. 2 days a week I only work 4 hours, so after a couple of months of swimming and the diet I plan to use the gym as well on those days. I'm reluctant to start the gym just yet as I have sore knees, and I need non weight bearing exercise to start with. When I've lost a bit more it'll be less pressure on them. I feel like my lob is flawless. I am picturing myself in an outfit I used to wear but looking even better (I was a size 12, I want to be a 10) but I'm utterly terrified of falling off the wagon again. My house is full of crisps and chocolate, and I haven't been tempted. I'm going to spoil myself with non food luxuries that will make me look and feel better, and care about myself again. I just can't shake that terror that I'm going to mess up again. I'm so scared!