Thanks Mal. Sadly, after writing that I totally lost the plot. So I'm on here and despite the title of this diary it is going to be a bit angsty. I think to start off with I just overate mindlessly through worry. .....
Then I wanted to compensate for comparitively minor overeating and tried a fruit fast but failed miserably every evening then fell into serious binging as I felt a failure - punishing myself for falling off the high standards I wanted for myself and also eating to blot out the feelings. This writing here is in lieu of going to counselling to explore issues, I'm officially moving into the next 'emotionally strong and healthy' stage of my life.
So, from this I have learned, not to set my goals too hight to start with. 6 lbs was plain silly. Fasting is not a viable option for me now, even if it has been in the past. It is OK to have a little fall by the wayside, pick myself up and carry on. I do not have to severely deprive myself to catch up, this is not a race, I'll get there when I do...
Micci, I am only now catching up after a rather long absence. My heart really goes out to you when I read your posts. You clearly understand what is going on and at the same time it is so painfully clear what a powerful opponent Addiction is. I really feel for you, I have been there myself, last week in fact. Before going on holiday, I managed really well to stick to SW but the day before leaving I went on a total food rampage simply as a prelude to being off plan on holiday. How stupid. Then on holiday being around people I ate normal along with them all, but coming home was almost like a free bus pass to food city central and I went mad for a few days. It is incredible what it does to your emotional state and how you view yourself. I disliked myself so intensely for repeating the same pattern that I knew the outcome of so very well. And despite being back on plan now since last Friday, I know it will take a little while for my fragile self belief to smooth out the dents the binge put in it last week.
The bizarre and actually insane thing about the build up to a binge is that it's like pressure that gets to the point where I basically decide that it's going to happen. And then it's a release of that pressure but very short lived indeed. It's horrifying really how your own emotions can convince you that this act of overeating nullifies everything else that is good in your life or any achievement you could be proud of.
I like what you said about realistic goals. Yes it is a long term thing we are in now and the goals need to reflect that. If you think of it as a race, here is an illustration. Usain Bolt holds the world record for 100 metre sprint in under 10 seconds. So would it be reasonable to think that he could run the marathon in under one hour? The world record for men in running the marathon is 2hrs3min I believe. So is the sprint runner a better runner? Is the marathon runner lazy?
Our goal alters the approach, doesn't it. And although we know we are running a marathon, when we slip up it's almost instinctive to try and rectify by becoming a sprinter. How would a marathon runner fare if he constantly altered his approach between sprinting and his normal pace?
This was my problem again last week. After my holiday and the subsequent binge, going back on plan I felt bad for every bit I ate no matter how healthy. And I wanted to restrict my food intake as much as I could to try and make up for the damage I had done. It just doesn't work, does it. The deprivation that follows the overindulgence is a punishment and punishment makes you feel even worse.
...Now for a proper breakfast rather than this, oh I can live off apples nonsense
....
Exactly!!
I had counselling for a few years and it did me the world of good in understanding and recognising the issues. It does not mean being in control of it sadly but having insight makes dealing with it a lot easier. And I had decided to go back to it. A lot relates back to my upbringing and how my mum instilled in me such a warped view of food, on one hand eating was a comforter for when things went wrong, on the other hand it was a sign of lack of control. Saying no would be like a personal rejection of what had been prepared/bought but having it was proof of how uncontrolled I was. I really don't think she knows the ripples of those actions and how it is affecting me so much today. But despite that, I am in the driver's seat now, my choices are exactly that. MY choices.
I hope you are doing ok at the moment Micci, don't beat yourself up on your worst day and don't reach for the unreachable on your good days. Try staying somewhere in between
xx
