From Catterpillar to Butterfly

[Caterpillartobutterfly]

So where to start? Never done a diary before so hope this isn't boring or anything. I don't know how many people will actually read this but I guess it's more about me being able to track than anything. I began documenting in the notes in my phone so I will post these in the next entry...

The beginnings. I want to transform, hence the title. I have trapped myself in a cacooon of fat from which 'the real me' needs to emerge. Like a lot of people I have tried most diets and they work until I sabbotage them. I have some serious binge eating issues and I belive I have compulsive eating disorder. When I say this to people they laugh. If someone were to say they think they have anorexia/bulimia it would be brave. I am in NO WAY saying those disorders are not serious, awful and severe (these are all understatements of course) but I think as a society we should be helping people that speak up for help, not laughing and telling them 'just stop eating'. Imagine telling an anorexia sufferer 'just have a bit of food'.

So, suffering from many self esteem and self loathing problems in the past, with a 6 year long struggle with depression behind me, I got married last year. YEY! I lost 2 and half stone for the wedding and looked and felt great. Although I was still grossly overweight. This weight piled on from honeymoon until now, exactly a year later and I am now nearly at my biggest at 19st 1lbs. We are planning to try for a baby next year and this was the ultimate push. It's not just about the way I look anymore, it's about creating a healthy body for my future child. Health, health, health. And I guess before that wasn't important to me. But now it is. And I need something drastic, something more than the 2/3 lbs that other diets were giving me. And the removal of food from my life. Enter Cambridge Weight Plan. Was recommended by a friend I met at Slimming World and she gave me the number a while ago. Arranged for a meeting after my holiday and before I went back to school (teacher) because I wanted to get into the swing of things and have it established before dealing with the horror of the start of term! My first few days will be posted in the next entry, just so this one isn't too long! Good luck to anyone reading this who is on their journey, may you, too, be the beautiful butterfly you deserve to be

 

[Caterpillartobutterfly]

Day 1
Feel so motivated, excited and wanting to do this. Chocolate shake was ok but struggled to finish it. Chocolate bar was actually nice, tasted like Mars bar. Really stodgy though and hard to finish. Also had a herbal tea which was gross but stomached it. Starting to think about putting goodness in my body. Was good I was distracted by going into work. The toffee bar I had for the evening meal and I thought I was going to be sick. It was so vile honestly don't know how I did it. Not going to eat those for sure! Had just the one glass of Pepsi Max, headache was bad. Drank 3 litres of water but think it made me feel even more sick. Peed like a racehorse all day. Felt like crap and had a little cry. Determination didn't waver though.

Day 2
Worst day. Fuzzy head all day and constant pressure. Decided to up the Pepsi Max as I think it could be to do with caffeine withdrawal. Had the cappuccino shake which was ok, the consistency of the shakes is what makes it so difficult. Might try adding more water. Stomached it and then tried the penut bar- yes! It was lovely too so decide that I should go more with the bars than the shakes. Text my consultant to ask if I should be having 3 or 4 and she said 4 because I am so fat! Decided to have all chocolate bars so she's bringing them round tomorrow. Decided on a more fruity taste for the evening and tried the mango- was nice but didn't mix it enough and the consistency made me gag. Powered through and cried afterwards. So angry at myself for what I've done to my body to make myself have to go through this to get back. Hubby was supportive as ever. Hardest thing is cooking for him and wanting the food so much. I made him chicken and sticky rice and salivated the whole time. It smelt sooooooooo good! This is willpower I think!!! And he loved it which is good, he said he didn't want to 'rub it in' that I couldn't eat but I told him this is my fault, my problem and he should NOT have to feel bad in any way. He is making positive changes too with diet and I'm so proud of him! Had a peanut bar afterwards and it was ok. Today was a real struggle and I guess I didn't think about the physical side of the diet. It's bad. I felt hungover, groggy and headachy. Went to Asda late for bits for hubby and also jars- want to make a visual with jars and marbles. So surprised I didn't even feel like food. Don't think that's ever happened. Later on I thought about a nice salad packed with olives and feta and beans... Who'd have ever thought I would crave that?! I think it's again the goodness factor. I only want to put good things into me. Tried another herbal tea- lovely! Peach and cherry blossom with sweetener of course. Text my friend Sophie as I knew should would never believe the day I would LIKE herbal tea! Good changes. 3 litres and the pee was epic. I think around 20 times?!!! Also took 'before photos' which was hideous, both in underwear and in a dress. I know these are going to make epic 'befores'

Day 3
Much better today. Vanilla shake in the morning, nice until the end. Definitely think it's a consistency thing. Consultant brought round the extra bars and hugest boost when she said she could see a difference in me! She was probably bullsh***ing but then why would she? But when she said it was the top of my belly she could see the difference then I was happy, that's where it usually starts for me. So I was all happy! Had a big glass of Pepsi Max which seemed so much better than the 2 small glasses somehow. Ate a choc bar which was nice. Peeing all day again, starting to get annoying! Strawberry shake for product number 3... Taste good, consistency made me gag. Def won't be able to do this the whole time... Dreading the time I have to eat... Maybe this is the way the diet works! Make you feel so sick you don't want to eat! Choc bar about 9 and hubby made his own dinner although the pasta made my mouth water! finished all the water no problem. Pee is still ridiculous.

Day 4
Slept in sooooooo late so not sure how I'm going to fit 4 products in. Toffee and walnut shake actually nice and hubby made it perfectly with no lumps. Had a big glass of Pepsi Max as I felt really groggy then downed strawberry shake about 3 for lunch. Quite gross. Water is going to be hard today too. Want a pastrami and gherkin bagel so bad. Random. Came back from swimming really hungry, had a bar about 6, was fine. Finished my water no problem although the last bit I had some sugar free squash. Not sure if it's allowed but I wanted it. Gotta treat yourself LOL! Didn't have the 4th today. Just couldn't face it. Pee is the same, possibly less.... Still a touch of diarrhoea (sorry!!!)

 

[Jenny_b]

Hi and welcome,

subscribing to your diary

best of luck getting to where you want to be. the motivation of a baby is a great one to have. I lost a couple of stone to have IVF a few years ago, was the easier weight that I've ever lost.

try making the shakes in the blender with some ice, when I did a vlcd I couldn't stand the shakes until I tried them mixed with ice.

x x

 

[Caterpillartobutterfly]

Hi and welcome,

subscribing to your diary

best of luck getting to where you want to be. the motivation of a baby is a great one to have. I lost a couple of stone to have IVF a few years ago, was the easier weight that I've ever lost.

try making the shakes in the blender with some ice, when I did a vlcd I couldn't stand the shakes until I tried them mixed with ice.

x x

Hi Jenny and thank you for the welcome, and the follow!

I really hate ice and my blender is crap, maybe something to invest in... Been Downing the shakes in 3 huge mouthfuls... Sure that's nkt the way but it's the only way I can manage at the moment! Hopefully seeing a good weight tomorrow will keep me motivated!!!

I hope your IVF was successful. I had a friend have to lose a lot for her rounds of IVF and like you said, best motivation!

Thanks again! xxx

 

[Jenny_b]

Hi,

I think as long as you are having the shakes, doesn't really matter if you are having them in 3 big mouthfuls. I remember holding my nose whilst drinking them as couldn't stand the taste after a couple of weeks

IVF wasn't successful but I'm glad we went down that route as the private clinic ran tests that the NHS didnt and it turned out I had a rare blood clotting condition. Fell pregnant naturally and was able to have the correct medication to prevent miscarrying again. my little man is 3 now

best of luck with weigh in, let me know how you get on

x x

 

[Caterpillartobutterfly]

So.... The diary idea did not go to plan! Since going back to work after the summer I just couldn't find the time!!! But planning to be more regular now...

I am now at week 5. Weigh ins have been great and determination is still 100% which I did NOT expect! Weight loss so far is 24lbs, over the moon! Looses were
Week 1- 8lbs
Week 2- 6lbs
Week 3- 3lbs NOT HAPPY (but was time of the month)
Week 4- 5lbs
Week 5- 4lbs

The loss is steady but I have to admit I wanted more. I said I would be happy with 4 a week but 5/6 would be better really.

Feeling much better, taken lots of pictures and feel more confident. Not feeling it in my clothes because everything I own is stretchy or lose fitting anyway!

It's miserable. I'm not gonna lie, it's so bloody depressing! Hardest past is having to be in social situations with food. People are understanding but just pity you and say how guilty they feel. I know they mean well but it just gets me mad, like I've gotta deal with their problem with my eating!

Will be able to eat food in 6 weeks so that will be good. Not sure what else to say, will write in a little while....

 

[MsMoo]

Wow, well done on your weight loss.

 

[Caterpillartobutterfly]

Wow, well done on your weight loss.

Thank you so much! Wish it could be quicker but I think Cambridge is the quickest I'm gonna get haha!!!