Bella Cullen
Full Member
I only joined sw on Monday and weighed in at 22st 12lb. I was disgusted with myself when I stepped on those scales. Truly disgusted not to mentioned embarrassed that my poor husband has had to live with me looking like this (not that he's said a word about it). I've realised I'm setting a shocking example to my two girls (14 and 4) and if I want to live to see them grow up and not end up riddled with all sorts of severe medical conditions then I need to do something about it.
I really want to buy clothes that I love and not just because they fit - which is a feat in itself because you can be fat and small, or just fat and average height but fat and tall? nah. i want to not have to plan an outfit months in advance of a special occasion because I know it'll take that long to find things to fit. It's got so bad I've started getting things made to measure for me in Hong Kong (much cheaper than here and fits like a glove).
I want to feel attractive and sexy and feel that when my husband tells me I've got a nice bum that he means it and not because he should say that. I totally get that is my insecurity and something I need to deal with but I'm fed up second guessing everything he says even though he's been nothing but fantastic the whole 12 years I've known him. I was 14st 4lb when I met him and still wearing a 16/18 clothes and thought I was enormous. Seems like a dream to be that weight again.
So, I've started this week well and I've been really good all week but I thought my brown loaf was a 400g one so I had two slices with egg for breakfast and it turns out it's an 800g loaf so I should have only had one and I realised last night that the stir fry I made I'd used a glug of oil and I used a low fat hoi sin sauce (between 3 of us so was only 4 sys and the oil I can't find the syn count for) I had a dairylea dunker but I syn'd this and it was fine to have but I felt so guilty and have been thinking I'm going to have sts or a gain but I'm being really good. I also this afternoon had a milky way which I syn'd for today and I've been an angel otherwise.
I'm then questioning myself about am I REALLY REALLY allowed to eat as much fresh fruit and veg on ee? surely not? I will just need to trust in the plan and not be so hard on myself.
I've got granddad's funeral next week and a baby shower this weekend which I'm baking a 3 tiered cake for (something I've never done as I'm a hobby baker) but I'll want to try some of that but I'm scared to! which is wrong but right. argh!
This losing weight malarky is bleeding hard work.
I really want to buy clothes that I love and not just because they fit - which is a feat in itself because you can be fat and small, or just fat and average height but fat and tall? nah. i want to not have to plan an outfit months in advance of a special occasion because I know it'll take that long to find things to fit. It's got so bad I've started getting things made to measure for me in Hong Kong (much cheaper than here and fits like a glove).
I want to feel attractive and sexy and feel that when my husband tells me I've got a nice bum that he means it and not because he should say that. I totally get that is my insecurity and something I need to deal with but I'm fed up second guessing everything he says even though he's been nothing but fantastic the whole 12 years I've known him. I was 14st 4lb when I met him and still wearing a 16/18 clothes and thought I was enormous. Seems like a dream to be that weight again.
So, I've started this week well and I've been really good all week but I thought my brown loaf was a 400g one so I had two slices with egg for breakfast and it turns out it's an 800g loaf so I should have only had one and I realised last night that the stir fry I made I'd used a glug of oil and I used a low fat hoi sin sauce (between 3 of us so was only 4 sys and the oil I can't find the syn count for) I had a dairylea dunker but I syn'd this and it was fine to have but I felt so guilty and have been thinking I'm going to have sts or a gain but I'm being really good. I also this afternoon had a milky way which I syn'd for today and I've been an angel otherwise.
I'm then questioning myself about am I REALLY REALLY allowed to eat as much fresh fruit and veg on ee? surely not? I will just need to trust in the plan and not be so hard on myself.
I've got granddad's funeral next week and a baby shower this weekend which I'm baking a 3 tiered cake for (something I've never done as I'm a hobby baker) but I'll want to try some of that but I'm scared to! which is wrong but right. argh!
This losing weight malarky is bleeding hard work.