Getting Through To Your Mum?

[Cherry_Pie]

My mum has been overweight for most of her adult life. She's always on bonkers gimmick diets, crash diets, starving herself, etc. You'd think after so many years and none the lighter, she'd realise what a load of nonsense they are. They also wreak havoc with her health - she never has any energy. She'll regularly casually mention that all she's eaten for the day is a bit of lettuce and chicken - right before losing control and eating a full english. One time the only meat she ate for a MONTH was tuna (surprise surprise, she's sick of it now.) Last week she told me how she can't eat any vegetables because they're not allowed on her new crazy diet. She refuses to go to anything with a support network, as everyone will see her and think she's fat(!)

I keep telling her she should just exercise a bit more, eat a bit less, and eat HEALTHY, BALANCED FOODS. But she won't listen. It's depressing watching this constant spiral of her getting depressed about losing weight, hopping onto a crash diet, losing weight, getting fed up, and then putting all that weight back on again - and more! I appreciate it's extremely easy to sound patronising, a daughter lecturing her mother. I'm happy I'm a shoulder to cry on for her, but it's been years, and she never seems to wake up to her ludicrousy - I'm tired of it!

I suppose this post is half-rant, half needing advice. Any of you experienced this with a family member or friend? Have you ever got through to them? Do you just nod and agree?

 

[Mrs CC]

Sorry, you're just going to have to learn how to bite your tongue and let her get on with it.

I had it with one of my relatives, wont go into the whole story other than to say I wasted a lot of my time, effort and money to help them when they didnt want to help themselves.

Dieting is a very personal thing and she has to want to do it for her, her way. Until she gets to that point no matter what you say it wont make any difference.

Incidently my relative is now doing very well on their own after they found what was right for them.

 

[faery_lights]

Sorry, you're just going to have to learn how to bite your tongue and let her get on with it.

I had it with one of my relatives, wont go into the whole story other than to say I wasted a lot of my time, effort and money to help them when they didnt want to help themselves.

Dieting is a very personal thing and she has to want to do it for her, her way. Until she gets to that point no matter what you say it wont make any difference.

Incidently my relative is now doing very well on their own after they found what was right for them.

I agree with this. Sadly, it's human nature to go on the defensive. I absolutely agree with what you say- crash dieting is rarely the way forward but it's something your Mum has to realise on her own. I suppose the only thing you can do is be a positive example and answer questions if she asks you about your weightloss.

I understand how frustrating families are. My Dad got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes just before Christmas and my Mum can't understand why they aren't losing weight, even though she bakes once a week and he still eats too much bread and way too many carbs and other bad things. I sit there on skype and nod as she explains how mystified she is when all I want to do is tell her that eating cake every day is bad even if it is home-made. Families, eh? Who'd have them?

 

[Venus_Blue]

I think you ought to show her this website, show her the all the success stories from easy, non-fad diets like healthy eating and calorie counting, or if she really does need rules and regulations perhaps you could write her up a weeks diet plan, 'if you're willing to spend all your time and money on other diets, please dedicate a week to trying mine'. Do you or other close friends or family members own a dog? Perhaps you could introduce her walking it every now and then, or maybe bring round an easyish exercise DVD and do it with her?
Also I think if you boost her confidence in non-diet related circumstances she'll find it easier not to starve/binge, for example if she's the type to hide behind huge clothes, take her shopping and find something fabulous that's suited to her shape. I don't know, it's difficult sometimes I suppose, but there's just so much evidence out there that fad diets DO NOT work, my aunty absolutely hates her size, she's the biggest she's ever been in her life, but she says she doesn't have time to eat properly - this is not true, she still lives with my grandparents who are both incredibly healthy eaters who always have cupboards and the fridge stocked with easy, healthy food but she STILL lives on bread, cheese and wine. When she goes to weddings or events she'll go on one of those silly food-replacement diets to shed 10 or so lbs to fit into a dress knowing full well it's going to go straight back on. IT BOGGLES ME! She is an incredibly busy person but if she over the last year she'd simply put a little bit of extra time at the beginning of the week/weekend to plan her food over the next week she could have reached her goal weight by now I'm sure, she definitely moves around enough.
I'll keep offering to help her out, I hate seeing her confidence so low, she is big but she certainly isn't huge at about an 18-20 and 5'4/6'ish, when we both know full well she's capable of losing the weight, she has PCOS and uses it as an excuse as to why it's so difficult to lose, but I was diagnosed 4 years ago with it too and I've lost 5 stone, and still she won't accept my help! Very frustrating indeed.

 

[Cherry_Pie]

Thanks for the advice everyone! You're all right. I think I just needed to let off steam more than anything! It's hard listening to her repeat the same mistakes month after month, year after year!

 

[Mrs CC]

Thanks for the advice everyone! You're all right. I think I just needed to let off steam more than anything! It's hard listening to her repeat the same mistakes month after month, year after year!

I know, I had to to sit listening to my relative ask why the weight wasnt coming off to have them announce they had pork scratchings! Thing is I've been on both sides and there is nothing worse than feeling like people are judging you for what you eat She will come round in time and you can help her when she does x

 

[cloudedskies]

I feel your pain, and I totally understand! My mother in law is EXACTLY the same, she never has any energy, has loads of minor health problems and is constantly shattered and on edge. Crazy. Sometimes she will try what I'm doing, (WW last year) but will be constantly asking me what she can and cant have and I end up pointing for her! I give up now....I have my own diet to stress about, I dont need anyone elses!

 

[Agent Shagwell]

Have you considered just asking her not to talk to you about anything to do with her weight issues and dieting, unless she is going to take your advice? You could explain to her that you do care and want to see her happy - but her contantly telling you all the things that are going wrong is just dragging you down and not helping her move forward in any way - however if she does want your advice and will follow it, then you're happy to talk. And then just refuse to have any more conversations about weight or diets with her unless they're a 'OK, this is how we move forward' conversation. Just exit the conversation if she tries otherwise - be loving and firm. You can't control what she does but you can control what you do and remove yourself from a situation that is draining and upsetting for you.

 

[kittyblue]

Could you get her to see her GP? If she's having trouble with weight loss, they might refer her to a nutritionalist and she might be more receptive if listening to an expert.