Giving in to pressure from our size-ist society?

[westhills]

I think it's truly marvellous that we can all articulate our own individual attitudes, both to ourselves, and to other overweight people. I have come accoss several big people who "can't find a girlfriend/boyfriend" - on closer discussion, I have found that THEY have a predjudice against other big people, and would not consider dating a big person. So sizism is everywhere, even amoungst ourselves.
Ann x

 

[bakerfa]

Hi,

Have just fully realised how offensive my previous post could have been taken as. I was trying to offer an insight into my psyche and was not intending to offend anyone. Everyone I have met on here has been lovely and everyone is doing so well. I will change my definition. I am proud & wholly supportive of anyone who is dieting and on here, my sizist attitude is more focussed on people who are not trying to change. (I'm probably making this worse which really isn't intentional. I don't seem to have the eloquence required to make my point - even reading this back to myself I'm thinking "no that's not what I meant" but despite this I'll press on).

Relating back to Ann's post, a male friend of mine was interested in me (I can almost hear the "God knows why"s) and although he is a nice bloke most of the time I would never consider him, partially because he is grossly obese and doesn't care but mainly because of some other factors; (occasionally interesting manners & a VERY childish sense of humour). I'm aware that my attitude is at least most of my problem in why I am single and have been for 2 years, (was seriously messed up in a 3.5 year relationship before that) but I guess fussiness is part of my character and I don't really have a wish to change that.

Sorry rambling off topic as usual...

 

[GoingToLoseWeight]

I'm a hypocrite too.

I wouldn't go out with someone obese or overweight. One of the things I find really attractive about DP is that he is slim and toned.

Amy

 

[EmMUK]

wow this thread is fantastic. I think what's great is that we can type what we feel and know its not being taken the wrong way because it's our own feelings and theres nothing wrong with that.

who said that they look in the mirror and see themselves thinner? that's me too, I often look at photos with me in them and wonder who that is.

 

[GoingToLoseWeight]

Hi Emma,

I do, totally. In fact, I think I see myself as plump / chubby etc. Really, I'm massive! (But getting smaller).

Amy

 

[Gen]

I wouldn't go out with someone morbidly obese or obese either and partly due to the fact that 'we' would be 'judged' as being in the same boat, if that makes any sense??? at least if I am with a 'normal' person then it makes me feel normal

jesus this thread is very very interesting and thought provoking!!!

love

Gen xxx

 

[GoingToLoseWeight]

Hi Gen,

I hadn't thought about that angle; for me it's simple, sexual attraction is an important part of a relationship, and I don't find overweight men attractive.

Amy

 

[bakerfa]

Ditto to that!

I'm also attracted to "normal-sized" (whatever that is!) blokes. In some ways the person we choose to be with is a reflection of ourselves i.e. they would ideally have similar interests, likes, dislikes, humour etc. and as part of reflecting my personality I'm likely to avoid the traits in others that I dislike about myself...

What a hypocrite but there you go...

 

[bakerfa]

Provocatively throwing another spanner in the works...

If "we" don't find overweight men attractive do men not find "us" attractive?

Is my being overweight the reason I am alone? (or just my attitude problem!)

 

[Summerskye]

Hi all

I've been fascinated reading all your comments, and identify with many of them. It's simply a fact of human nature that we all have our own preferences (not prejudices) as to what we find attractive/unattractive in another person which is entirely normal and helps make the world go round

Flipping the subject slightly: I had a male friend who I knew found me very attractive even when I was a my heaviest weight. However, once I started to lose weight I became aware that he found me LESS attractive rather than more so .. which somewhat perplexed me as that's not the way it's 'meant to be' is it?

Maybe the fact that he is a bit overweight himself (although still good looking, very intelligent and with a charismatic personality) had something to do with the way he perceived my 'new' self - but I think it also goes to prove that not everyone necessarily finds a slim figure desirable or (dare I say it?) sexy

 

[bakerfa]

As a follow on to this:
Summer has posted about how your weight & attitude change when you're in a relationship as opposed to looking for one:

http://www.minimins.com/chit-chat/9444-warning-falling-love-can-damage-your-weight.html#post145838

 

[jane]

Hiya,

I was going to start a new thread but decided to weigh in here anyway as it's sort of linked.

I have been lucky enough not to be called names - apart from the odd stupid kid on the street when I've told them off for grafitti-ing or whatever. However it's my own attitude that's been putting me down all these years. I thought I was hugely fat all through school when in fact I was never larger than a 12/14. I have had the opposite of anorexia ever since; I look in the mirror and I'm thinner than I am. I never saw the car crash that I became until the occasional photo showed me... the mirror never did. I have always been able to stand in front of a mirror nude, semi clad whatever and never had a problem, (which according to part of this site is rare) HOWEVER I am sizist myself. I always was to some point without including myself in the category I was judging. Controversial as this sounds I would look at people and think how can you look like that, if only you would put on makeup/dress better/wear a proper bra etc... without always applying those rules to myself BUT here's where the problem begins. It means I hate myself as I struggle to lose my weight, 1) for being judgemental, 2) because I am struggling and my weight varies a lot, glass ceiling no, glass trampoline! and 3) because the flaws I see in my character will still be there when I'm slim (if I get there in the end, which depresses me leading to comfort eating!)
1.please stop the self hate. You may not be perfect but no more or less imperfect than skinnies. it''s just that your particular imperfections involve your relation ship with food.
2. everyone else is judgemental ,so why should you be different?
3. I think the idea about tackling your demons isn't to make them evaporate,but by understanding them a.learn how to keep them in check & b. weaken them by denying the triggersetc that lead to spiralling self-defeating behaviour.
you must not allow the over-simplistic thought that your flaws will beat you in the future becaus they've beaten you before.
I'm guessing here, but it would seem a prerequisite to regaining control of your relationship with food that you must first believe that it is possible to do.
Okay - that's set the cat among the pigeons. I await your response.

Anja

Hi,

Have just fully realised how offensive my previous post could have been taken as. I was trying to offer an insight into my psyche and was not intending to offend anyone. Everyone I have met on here has been lovely and everyone is doing so well. I will change my definition. I am proud & wholly supportive of anyone who is dieting and on here, my sizist attitude is more focussed on people who are not trying to change. (I'm probably making this worse which really isn't intentional. I don't seem to have the eloquence required to make my point - even reading this back to myself I'm thinking "no that's not what I meant" but despite this I'll press on).
On the contrary, I found it movingly candid.other members will have to speak fo themselves but 'offended' I very much doubt. nor can i detect any shortfall in the eloquence dept.

Are you always so hard on yourself?

Relating back to Ann's post, a male friend of mine was interested in me (I can almost hear the "God knows why"s) and although he is a nice bloke most of the time I would never consider him, partially because he is grossly obese and doesn't care but mainly because of some other factors; (occasionally interesting manners & a VERY childish sense of humour). I'm aware that my attitude is at least most of my problem in why I am single and have been for 2 years, (was seriously messed up in a 3.5 year relationship before that) but I guess fussiness is part of my character and I don't really have a wish to change that.

Sorry rambling off topic as usual...

Ditto to that!

I'm also attracted to "normal-sized" (whatever that is!) blokes. In some ways the person we choose to be with is a reflection of ourselves i.e. they would ideally have similar interests, likes, dislikes, humour etc. and as part of reflecting my personality I'm likely to avoid the traits in others that I dislike about myself...

What a hypocrite but there you go...

Not a hippocrite-Normal. We none of us like in others what we disike in ourselves.It would be bonkers if we did

Provocatively throwing another spanner in the works...

If "we" don't find overweight men attractive do men not find "us" attractive?
This is a conundrum I've long pondered, particularly where men are concerned. It would seem that they have the capacity to see through blubber into the person.
Is my being overweight the reason I am alone? (or just my attitude problem!)

Now it's my turn to apologise if I've been too dogmatic.
I was only trying to paint my point of view

Ps I'm dead chuffed that you said 'glass trampoline' , I came up with 'glass floor' just last week. how about saying 'Great minds think alike'

pps.I think you've scored another bullseye with your 'reverse anorexia' phenomenon. like the others who answered,I too have it. In the bedroom mirror i look, well, almost passable.Catch sight of yourself in a shop window or a photo & 'who's that great dumpling ?'

 

[EmMUK]

wow, we could fill a women's mag with all the issues we are discussing

love the "glass trampoline"

 

[bakerfa]

Hi everyone,

Ok - firstly I can be very honest, candid and opinionated, which is not a bad thing but some people can find it disconcerting.

I DO NOT hate myself, but I do not like the fact that I am struggling with my diet. Perhaps there should have been a comma in my original post or something. I know I am judgemental, I know this can be a character flaw and is not always an attractive feature in me however my strong opinions as a by-product of this I would not change. My fussiness, again unattractive, but again if I live long and alone having not found what I'm looking for so be it; I have fundamentals for which I'm looking that would be wrong for my heart to ignore.

Thank you for my reputation points - I hope they were for the points I was trying, and somewhat failing to make rather than sympathy which is undeserved and not required. I am in a situation of my own choosing and am therefore confident that if and when I want to change it, then hopefully I can.

Thanks to whoever coined the glass ceiling, Jane I think, mine is less rigid. I definitely bound, not quite from 1 extreme to the other but a fair way in each direction each time....

Is EVERYONE judgemental? This I don't know for certain, but I suppose they are. Getting very deep on here at the moment!

Again the flaws are unfortunately a part of me and will still be there when I get to target; I will ALWAYS be jealous, self-centred, occasionally vain but hopefully I will also be my better Leo traits too; generous and loyal to a fault. There are always goods and bads and I don't think I'm wholly bad as may have seemed apparent previously; however as I get closer to goal the idea that it's the magic answer becomes more obviously false and that there are lots of other things that require even more work is somewhat depressing. I CAN have control over food some days but the rest of life is the problem occasionally...

I'm glad no-one seems to have been offended. Very thankful for that.

If "we" don't find overweight men attractive do men not find "us" attractive?
This is a conundrum I've long pondered, particularly where men are concerned. It would seem that they have the capacity to see through blubber into the person. Do they see through the blubber? Or do they simply like the blubber? I've certainly met a few men who ONLY like fat women, or black women or thin women. In my opinion a man who ONLY likes fat women seems like a major turn-off but then again I suppose me only liking slimmish men is the same. Neither is correct but the idea of one turns my stomach so who knows...

The "reverse anorexia" phenomenon is a strange one. Some of us on here seem to suffer with this when we're bigger and the other half refuse the mirror completely... Also the scales, I weighed daily no matter what, at least that way I knew the damage but some people avoided them completely for months or years.

Anyway I seem to have hijacked this thread completely but hopefully you're still finding it interesting.

Please join in anyone who has anything to add about any or all of the issues that have been raised in this thread!

Anja xxx

 

[sonkie]

wow this thread is fantastic. I think what's great is that we can type what we feel and know its not being taken the wrong way because it's our own feelings and theres nothing wrong with that.

who said that they look in the mirror and see themselves thinner? that's me too, I often look at photos with me in them and wonder who that is.

I always thought of myself as overweight and I dont really look that fat.....but that was often just a quick glance.

 

[sonkie]

Anyway whenever it came to a party at the in laws with all hubby`s family, we would always get games out, then came choosing teams ....muggings here was never one of the favourites to have on the team ....why .....because I am obese and obese people just sit about all day eating so have no brain.
Well after a few of these situations they wised up to the fact that the fat one has a brain full of useful facts and information.
This is just one example of the narrow mindedness of my inlaws.
SIL is always on 1 diet or another so is MIL....so now is my chance to prove I can lose my weight and stay at target...!


Has anyone else felt that before people got to know you, you were deemed thick...?

 

[bakerfa]

I think that a lot of assumptions are made about overweight people before people get to know them, that they are lazy, greedy, stupid and have no control are the main ones... Ann & Emma have both said that it is difficult to create a good first impression as you have to try extra hard to show yourself how clever/great/lovely you are without other people seeing just fat.

 

[EmMUK]

Has anyone else felt that before people got to know you, you were deemed thick...?

I guess I have always expected it and so made sure it wasn't assumed incorrectly. It still confounds me that people assume fat people are thick, after all how is it any different from an alcoholic or smoker? and do we consider them thick?

I find annoying the fact that people assume I won't want to active things like going for a walk when in fact I love going for walks, but again, I just pre-empt and initiate.

 

[SHAZA]

What a fab discussion

Its brilliant to read so so many very honest views from so many intellegent women (or men sorry)

I have never had any problem with my weight in the way lots of you have spoken about ~ only a couple of kids shouting silly things (like mini roundabout ahead ~ actually I thought that was hilarious)

I have always been taken seriously and done very well at work and been able to mix with people at all levels. Being in sales I have to face all sorts of people head on so confidence for me is KING

I always think that people look past the weight with me and see me as the true Sharon and not as a big pile of lard

Maybe its a confidence thing or my attitude quiet frankly I dont give a toss about there small minded opinions, If you dont like the way I look then dont look oh perfect one !!!

My problems with my weight is way out of control and I just keep getting bigger
2. Health reasons I have Rheumatoid Arthritis and weight lose will help my pain levels
3. Shopping (I have shares in Simply Be and Evans)
4. Travelling ~ mostly plane seats
5. Seating in general hate the fixed chair boothy things in restaurants and cafes

I am getting sick and tired of the articles in the magazines about size 0 girls its ridiculous and a very unhealthy attitude to food and "NORMAL" size women

The main thing is to be free to make your own choices whatever they be and enjoy the short time we are on this earth (dont forget to smell the roses on the way)

Gone on a bit
very sorry

 

[Anne-Marie]

Here's an interesting one though - I've now lost 2 stone in 6 weeks AND no-one at work etc has noticed!! It is noticeable - maybe this is a compliment... they don't see the fat, just the person! Well that's what I've been convincing myself for years anyway!!!