Have completely gone off the rails this week!

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by X~Libby~X, 20 June 2009 Social URL.

  1. X~Libby~X

    X~Libby~X Full Member

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    Well I have had possibly the worst week to date. I have lapsed...and not just once. After 16 weeks of 100% abstinence I have had a slip. I have had a major revelation though. I have worked out why I put on nearly 4 stone in the first 2 years of being with my OH. Before I knew him, I used to self harm all the time. It was my coping mechanism so when life reached that certain level of stressfulness, that is what I would do. When I met my OH, I couldn't do it as it upset him so much so I started to eat at those times when I would have hurt myself. In solving one problem, I created another. I had wondered why I had found LL so easy so far but now I realize that it is because nothing had happened to get me to that point. Well this week everything happened at once. For 3 days I was battling with myself. I couldn't harm myself as I would never go back there and I am not that person anymore and I couldn't eat. I stopped sleeping and just generally couldn't function properly. Now i know that this probably reads like an extensive list of justifications to make myself feel better but trust me I do not feel better. I am hopefully going to either go early to my meeting or stay later to have a much needed arse kicking and talk with my LLC. I am dreading to see the weight gain this week. as I have also lapsed today and have WI on tuesday so the chance of me getting back into ketosis by then is quite slim. I don't know what is wrong with me. I think I need to do some serious off loading. I feel I should prewarn my LLC of what is coming her way...there will be tears!

    ANY advice or arse kickings would be muchly appreciated.

    Libby
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  3. roundrachel

    roundrachel Silver Member

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    No kicking required as you've clearly recognised the reasons for falling off the wagon.

    I found it incredibly hard on absitinence as food was my way of coping. I've also self harmed in the past but haven't for about 5 years. I was bulimic for ten years but couldn't be sick as I wasn't eating anything! So I strangely started gambling when I was under real pressure. It's not something I've ever thought of in the past but it seemed to rovide some kind of release. Thankfully after 9-10 weeks I recognised it was starting to become something more than a 'flutter' and promised myself to steer well clear.

    I'm more emotional now than I ever have been in my life but it's because I'm actually dealing with my emotions rather than finding a coping mechanism, because thus far in my life, my so called coping mechanisms have been nothing but self destructive.

    I hope you can get over this 'blip' and back on track immedicately. Don't put it off or you'll feel even worse about it and end in a downward spiral.

    Take care and keep talking things through xxx
     
  4. pancras

    pancras Full Member

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    Hi Libby
    Sorry to see that you have found things difficult. you have done marvellously well so far and you seem to have recognised, what has gone wrong. The important thing is for you to dust yourself off and get back on track and use this lapse as a learning tool for your future.
    Part of you is going to have to except that emotional times are trigger areas for you and find some other kind of coping mechanism. Maybe going for some extra counselling out side of LL maybe an option.
     
  5. Minerva

    Minerva ...passing through.

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    Thanks for sharing such intimate details there Libby... To be honest it sounds very much like my journey in some way; I also gave up SH when I met my boyfriend 3 and a half years ago, and food probably did replace that particular coping mechanism. Smoking did as well. Lots of other ways to harm myself indirectly. ... But I've quit smoking. I've quit bingeing, LL really opened up my eyes because I had nowhere to run anymore.
    To be honest; the only way forward is actually to take a step back and to address your demons properly. Find new ways of coping with the dark feelings, because to be fair : they never truly go away. If you don't try to tackle them now, the demons will grow into monsters over years, and soon enough you won't be able to shift them.

    You really do have to do some proper soul searching, and it may very well take a very long time. Maybe start keeping a journal/log book of your daily feelings and emotions here in MiniMins. I find it really helps me to recount and write down my day and how I felt.

    Hm... Feel free to PM me if you'd like. We're all here for each other on MiniMins.
    :hug99:
    x
     
  6. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Libby, arse kicking is not what you need, that's what you have been doing to yourself over the years in different ways. By allowing ourselves to put on the weight all of us have. I think it is positive that you are admitting to your feelings now. All the other ways of dealing with it are really forms of denial and pushing the
    real emotions under. As you are realising now they don't ever really go away until the time when you are ready to deal with them, as MInerva said. It never ceases to amaze me what a wise young head she has, but she's had a lot of life experiences in those years.
    if you have a good LLC she should be able to support you through this, she'll be used to it. The theory behind LL recognises that the reasons for obesity stem from psychological issues.
    If your LLC is not experienced enough to help you, you may want to try and get some other form of counselling or psychotherapy through your GP to go alongside your weight loss to help you deal with the emotions.
    Some of the issues I have finally dealt with in the last year stemmed from more than 30 years ago. It's never too late to change your life.
    Good Luck Libby.
     
    Last edited: 21 June 2009
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  7. daisydoll

    daisydoll Gold Member

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    hi libby
    hope you are feeling a bit better by now
    you are doing so well, don't let this set you back
    :hug99:
    daisy x
     
  8. mikey

    mikey Silver Member

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    Good Luck Libby - It does sound that you have your head well and truly screwed on now so I have no doubt that you will conquer your demons now that you have recognised them.

    You are very brave making this post!

    Best of Luck
    Mike
     
  9. Mel P

    Mel P Full Member

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    Hi Libby

    Sorry to hear you had a bad week last week and I hope you are starting to feel better and more positive. You have done incredibly well so far and are looking fantastic.

    There are far better words of wisdom from here than I could come up with, but I'm rooting for you to get through this tough time.

    Stick with it and see you next Tuesday :)

    Mel
     
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