Help. Family Problems :'(

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Qua Sae, 18 May 2011 Social URL.

  1. Qua Sae

    Qua Sae Full Member

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    I think when God was dealing out families, he must have hated me!

    Things have been complicated for a long time, I was emotionally & occasionally physically abused by my mum as a child & teenager. My grandparents knew about it & did nothing to stop it. I have 2 older brothers, who, while had the odd book thrown at them, didn't have it nearly as bad as I did.

    When I got to college & began my A-Levels, she refused to pay for my bus pass - which was £100 at the time. So my then boyfriend, now husband, offered to pay for it. & then when I was being bullied on the school bus, he bought me a First bus pass so I didn't have to deal with it! My family started talking about how I was only with him for his money (as did a few of my friends, I found out a short while ago). After 2 years of being together, he told me to move in with him as things had gotten particularly bad at home. My mum had beat me & he couldn't stand it.

    Well, flashforward many years & he & I are married. We've been together for 8 and a half years & I love him to bits. We have no money. Nothing. He works long hours & all of his pay goes to bills & the credit card debt we ran up while trying to pay for bills in the beginning, when I first moved in. Things are really f*cking hard.

    My brothers on the other hand have it so easy, I could punch them. Our grandparents often send them money, less so my older brother now as he has a well paid job but my younger brother gets a lot from them & makes sure to tell me about it.

    I've had to start selling off the things I love in order to help with the bills. I was fired in February for no reason & I've had trouble finding a job since. One of my most loved possessions is my camera. Nick doesn't want me to sell it but I feel like a mooch, I have nothing to give back to him & he's paying for everything right now.

    My brother has decided he wants to buy it for his girlfriend but has told us he doesn't have a lot of money so offered us £350 for the camera, 2 lenses & accessories & asked if he could pay it in monthly instalments. He then went to an auction in London & bought a TV for £300.

    I sent him a few messages saying I felt as though he was taking advantage of me & Nick, he obviously had the money for the camera but wanted to make it easy on himself. I told him that he knows how badly we need that money & now, all of a sudden, he's decided he can afford the £350 afterall.

    He called me on Skype last night & told me that nana is sending him £1000, just for the sake of it. He regularly gets £350 from our other grandparents & our mum has savings of over £10,000 from the sale of her house. He doesn't even need the freaking money & here Nick & I are, circling the drain because things are so tight.

    The whole thing p*sses me off. How can they treat me that way? Apparently my grandma & papa don't send us money because they gave us some when I began uni for a bus pass (which is exactly what I used it for) & then I had to leave because the course was making me ill. I was suffering badly with an eating disorder, depression & anxiety. i ended up in A&E because of an accidental overdose. Things were bad. I had to leave. They hold this over me & judge me! Simon's now decided to leave his uni course & he's had much more money from them, but my grandma told him to leave, told him there was no shame in leaving. I mean WTF?!

    Now it's got to the point that I am feeling VERY low & I woke up this morning filled with anger towards these people. Even my brother, who has technically done nothing wrong, except for wave in my face all of this money he has. Nick doesn't want to sell him the camera, which is actually worth about £500 because he's ripping us off.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I tried staying away from my mum & my nana & things were great (they both purposely made my mental health problems worse). I was advised from the many therapists I saw to just cut them out of my life & I did. But then Simon started telling me all of these handouts & all of my feelings of not being good enough have come rushing back. Why aren't I entitled to the same treatment they are?? :cry:

    I'm at my wits end. I've been having suicidal thoughts for a while now. I just feel like a complete waste of space. I can't even go to my GP because they just don't understand.

    What can I do?
     
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  3. cyberjelly

    cyberjelly Full Member

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    Please go and talk to someone, yoru problems are so large that they are taking over your life completly. Especially as you are now having suicidal thoughts, go to your GP they will understand or find people who may be able to help or try CAB or the Samaritans, you need to get someones elses help with these matters. They helped me when I had money problems and gave alot of realy good information.

    My mother gave money and brought my sister a car (insured it, taxed new tyres) and other stuff when she had the money from when my Gran died, she did say to me 'oh if I give you money you would spend it on the garden' I folishly thought she was going to geve me some to help out, but no I had to get a loan to get it done myself, so I know about being treated differetly from others.


    Please don't dispair keep us updated and ssending you (((big hugs)):grouphugg:
     
  4. Qua Sae

    Qua Sae Full Member

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    I've been to my Drs so many times lately that I just couldn't face seeing them about this again. I'm not going to do anything, I just feel rather helpless & worthless.

    I've spoken to Nick about all of this & he's told me to just not sell the camera to him, chances are he would sell it on for double the price anyway & that would break my heart. I love my camera :( I'm sure my brother is pissed off at me but he told us £350 was all he could afford & then he seems to be cr*pping money! we just feel as though we're being ripped off.

    I'm kinda glad I'm not alone in being treated so differently. How do you cope with it? I can't seem to find a positive outlet for my anger when he gets so much from the family & I get squat. He was telling me last night that he'll be glad to move into his new flat & buy all his new things because there's nothing better than owning your own possessions. Apparently that was hard to explain to me.. .Although I'm not sure why as Nick & I own everything in our house. What's he getting at??

    The thing with my brother is that he's willing to take all kinds of cr*p from our family in order to get the money. Pretty much the whole family has been saying his gf is only with him for his money (exactly what they said about me & Nick before we got married) & he knows this.. But he's not willing to stand up for his gf because it would mean he wouldn't get sent any more money!

    Thank you for your support. It really means a lot to know I'm not alone :gen126:
     
  5. princessnicky

    princessnicky Full Member

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    Oh gemmy! Ive nothing to say, apart from sending you big hugs!! What a rubbish time your having. Try and stay strong and lean on your husband for support. He sounds like a great guy, and together im sure you can both get through this.

    Are you claiming all the appropiate benefits and working tax credits that your entitled too? Maybe a visit to the CAB would be a good idea.

    Xx
     
  6. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    I think this goes on in all families.

    At the end of the day it is your grandparents money to do with how they wish. Are you sure they are giving money to your brother, or is he just saying it.

    As for the camera if there is nothing else you could sell instead try & sell it privately, that way at least you won't feel like you've been ripped off and you'll get exactly what it is worth.

    If you haven't already, have you tried transfering the balance on your credit cards to interest free cards. I'm sure you know but pay off any loans/debts with the highest interest first.

    You're obviously feeling very low at the mo, because you've no job & you feel you aren't being treated fairly.

    Try treating yourself to something, it doesn't have to cost anything, go out for a nice walk with a lovely picnic, just the two of you. Have a nice warm bath & snuggle up & watch a nice film. Go to the museum, there are a lot of things which can be done to treat yourself without cost.
     
  7. cherry-pie

    cherry-pie Trying again in 2012

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    Gemmy, no advice from me sorry, but I hope that you can get some help here. Please draw strength from your husband and concentrate on the lives that the two of you have built together as this is what will really count. Take care xxx
     
  8. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Heya Gemmy.
    I'm sorry that you are feeling so cruddy and that at the moment things feel like they are going better for everyone else. It does worry me.that you are having suicidal thoughts and I think that no matter what you need to go to the doctors and tell them that. You certainly wouldn't be the first or last person to feel the way you do, but when you do feel that way it is very easy to believe that no-one else could possibly understand or that you are wasting their time and are not worthwhile enough to care about.

    Well, shock news, you are worthwhile, and what you are describing is very classic symptoms of depression, which can be treated.

    You can't do anything about your family, but what you can do is something about how their behaviour has an effect on how you feel. I have had depression most of my adult life and some parts of that were down to how certain people made me feel. Adjusting my thinking about that was not easy, but it is possible and things can improve and you can learn how to stop their actions having an effect on you.

    It's hard when you feel the way you do to believe that you are capable of that, but you are. You have a loving husband, you are a team, you will get work again but right now, you need to get some help to make yourself strong again and get your confidence back. Please see your GP as soon as possible. My inbox is always open if you want to talk. Xxx
     
  9. Qua Sae

    Qua Sae Full Member

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    Thank you all for your wonderful support. I feel so lucky to be surrounded by such caring people. I've not been here long & it just shows what compassionate people you all are.

    Happy Holidays - I know he's getting the money from them, I've seen some of it & my grandparents have confirmed it. I know it's their money & I don't think I would really be able to accept so much money from them.. It's that they never offer it that hurts the most. It's that they view me as less than him & they see me struggling in every aspect of my life but refuse to help just a little. Apparently the reason they won't give me anything is because I left uni.. But they're now actually encouraging my brother to leave his uni course, saying there's no shame in it. Obviously they saw shame in me leaving (I left because I was having mental health problems). He wants to leave because he finds it stressful & has epilepsy. I don't see the difference.

    I've used the online benefit calculators & it seems we aren't entitled to anything. Nick earns too much for us to be entitled, despite it all going on credit card bills & a loan. Money we had to get in debt for because when he & I took on the house together, he was earning minimum wage & although I had a job for some time, I found it hard getting back into work after being held at knife point! A lot of our bills had to go on our credit cards & then we took out the loan to consolidate our credit card bills, but they soon crept back up again. Neither of us are able to get any more cards despite never being late for payments etc.

    I keep applying for jobs but no one seems to get back to me.

    Nick is being so wonderful & supportive, he sees me as if I'm the most beautiful woman in the world, even when I look my worst. He is so amazing, I love him so much. I just feel as though I'm holding him back.. I can't contribute to the household so I'm part of the problem :(
     
  10. Qua Sae

    Qua Sae Full Member

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    Sorry, MadameLaMinx, I think we must have posted at the same time. I really appreciate the time you took to write your reply & I think you're courageous for admitting you have suffered with depression. It can be hard to come to terms with, I know.

    I've been through the system so many times, I'm just not sure what they can offer me any more. I don't want antidepressants because they just don't seem to work for me.. Most of my problems come from my circumstances & my family (which is why I tried cutting them out), it's not a chemical imbalance. I'm just worried they'll think I want pills, when really I just need someone to talk to. Even though I've been through the system, I never learnt how to actually cope with bad situations. My first response is always to eat to forget how I'm feeling & that makes me feel even worse in the long run!

    A friend has suggested calling a centre in Leicester who offer counselling so I don't have to go through my GP but I'm afraid the waiting list might be really long & I don't know if they can offer me anything for free. :(
     
  11. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    Well, one thing you could consider is asking the GP for access to the online CBT course "Beating the Blues". I am doing this at the moment, in combination with anti-depressants. I'm only on week 2 so not sure how its going to go but from what I have seen so far its a lot to do with learning how to cope and deal with problems. You also get support over the phone once a week from a trained mental health worker who would at the very least give you an outlet for how things are going.

    Something to consider anyway, sounds like it would be very suited to you. I am like you, anti-ds have never really worked before but the ones I am on at the moment are proving quite effective, not the least because they have a sedative effect, so for the first time in a long time, I am having full nights of sleep. SSRI type anti-ds, prozac etc have never made any difference but I am quietly hopeful that I might be on the path to stabilising myself. Different types have different effects, but remember that even if your depression arises from circumstance, the thoughts and processes have an effect on your brain, so dont be too quick to write off the idea altogether. If you don't feel able to express yourself properly to the GP, write down how you are feeling before you go, and give them it when you get there.

    But you definitely do need to go. You won't be wasting their time, and you will be taking a positive step in the right direction. That can be very scary, it can take me ages to actually get to the point where I go, but please try to summon up the courage and go. There is light at the end of the tunnel, but right now, your thinking is obscuring you being able to see it. I promise you though, it is there.

    Also bear in mind that you are far from alone in not being able to find work at the moment. The fact that you aren't hearing back is more likely to be that the sheer volume of applicants for any job is so high.

    While we are on that subject though, you may be entitled to some help on the basis of your depression making it harder for you to work at the moment. When you have been to the GP, get in touch with your local mental health advocacy service and let them help you. You may well find that there are benefits you can claim.

    Keep talking to us too, we might not be any practical use but we are excellent listeners and may well be able to help you with useful ideas of how to start making the changes you need to make to help you feel better. Xxx
     
  12. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    Please please please go & speak to someone. Phone the Samaritans if nothing else. Phone your surgery & say you want to see another doctor not your GP if they have been unhelpful. At the very least you need some medication to help prevent the suicidal thoughts in the short term but above all you need someone to talk to who is not involved in the situation. I know this helped me more than the Anti depressants did, but i still needed them initially. I can't emphasie enough now important it is that you ask for some help now.

    Finally - why in earth are you letting thesr people in your life at all? They are all clearly poison & you do not deserve to be treated like this - no one deserves to be treated this way by their family. Cut them out - all of them - including your brother - and do not make excuses for him anymore.

    Take care x
     
  13. kingleds

    kingleds Gold Member

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    I forgot to add, you don't need to have a chemical inbalance for anti depressants to work & there is no shame in admitting you need a little help. They will just help you cope until you are strong enough to cope on your own
     
  14. JackieN

    JackieN Gold Member

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    You know reading some of this was me a few years ago. Our families sound very similar :( Its hard but they won't change so try to distance yourself abit from it all then you won't feel you are having your nose rubbed in it all the time. I've done this and see my Mum (who was main issue) and younger sister (other issue) only occassionally, when I do I'm always polite and nice, but never stay much longer than an hour and the relief when I leave again...

    Can you get help from that government plan for debt? I cannot think of the word for it but they can get debts reduced for you and sort out affordable payments?

    Talking always helps and we are always here for you so chat away. I always find if I chat to people I a) realise its not just me b) feel like a weight has been lifted.

    If you don't want to go to the doctor why not try something like the bach flower essenses. I used to think they would be rubbish but tried them a few years ago and really felt much calmer and able to cope. I get mine from Crystal herbs and I always get the one they mix specially for you so you tick the boxes of how you feel. I know it sounds silly but I really did find they work and still order occassionally.

    I am waffling and I'm sorry, but I read your post and it was just so like me I could not not reply. Have a (((hug))) and remember you are not alone , love Jackie xxxxx
     
  15. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    There was another thread about debt a few days ago.

    I agree with the others, distance yourself from your family, you are worth more than the upset they are giving you.
     
  16. Christiana

    Christiana Mens sana in corpore sano

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    Gemmy, I am so sorry you're going through such a hard time. I have read the wonderful advice given to you by the awesome people on here already, and I'd like to add: do not have these people in your life any longer.

    No matter how hard things get, you have the support and love of your other half, focus on that. Also, if you like photography, perhaps instead of selling your camera, you could use it to make some money? Freelance portraiture and stock photography can be looked into to help you financially.
    :hug99:
     
  17. bunnylovesalan

    bunnylovesalan Proud Mama :)

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    Can you not apply for dla with all your issues?Have you tried your local mind, they offer support for depression and cancelling, I don't think you need a dr referal you can just do it yourself
     
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  19. Claireybella

    Claireybella Gold Member

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    I'm so sorry to hear this hon, and I don't know what more to offer, apart from what everyone else has said. Go and talk to someone regarding your feelings, and your money situation. There are people out there who can and will help. Don't keep this all to yourself. As for your family, you said you felt better when you had nothing to do with them, maybe you could do that again?

    (((hugs)))
     
  20. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I agree with all that has been said about cutting the family members who are hurting you out of your life.

    I am speaking from experience. I have done it with my in laws, and that was with help and advice from the wonderful group of people on here and one of my sisters who constantly hurt me and put me down. You know what , after a short period of remorse and worrying about cutting them out, I now feel so good about it. It is as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and any other problems in my life, financial and otherwise are so much easier to cope with because they are tangible and valid and I can sort them. They are not underhanded, unpleasant, insidious people. They are real workable problems...............so I owe some money, so what . It will get paid.

    Life is a real struggle at times but we have to get on with it and help ourselves. You are doing just that by taking action. You can be in control of your life.

    Please, please consult MIND or whoever you decide to go to because as has been pointed out to you, not only can you get help with counselling it is very probable that there will be financial help too.

    Just reading this thread has made me feel so happy to be involved with such a lovely, caring group of people. They so obviously care about you Gemma.

    You have the most important thing in life. You have a loving and caring husband. I would not change mine for all the money in the world.
     
    Last edited: 19 May 2011
  21. JackieN

    JackieN Gold Member

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    How are you feeling today? Just remember we are all here for you. You took the biggest step and spoke about it :)

    Concentrate on your immediate and lovely family, keep the others where they belong at a distance.

    I hope you are feeling a little happier today xxxxx
     
  22. tara40

    tara40 Loves Norman Reedus

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    I have just seen this post and wanted to say to you that you have more than all your family put together have, you have a loving relationship.
    Firstly though you must seek medical help. My sister in law was on ad tablets for a few months and they really helped her.
    I agree with others on here, you should cut all the people who have a negative effect on your life out of your life. If it helps write them all letters telling them how you feel about your treatment throughout your life and then explain that you are cutting them out of your life. Wish them all the best and sign off on your letter. This would help me and I hope that this would be an option for you.
    take care and remember you have a loving family on here.xxx
     
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