Help me please , I dont want a divorce :(

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by determinator, 16 June 2011 Social URL.

  1. determinator

    determinator Banned

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    Hey , i know its not at all related to SW and maybe not the best place to put it , but some impartial advise would be lovely :rolleyes:

    a little background ... My hubby and I have been together 6.5 years , we have 2 kids , 4 and 2 and have had our ups and downs like everyone . He came from a childhood in Care , swapping between chicldrens homes , foster familys and the odd stay with his mum ( who put him in hospital every time .. ) so although he is the best dad in the world and he has done amazingly well , he does find relationships hard .
    We got married in August last year , and ever since things have been amazing , I have never been so happy , and he seems to have really settled and matured .....

    So ...... yesterday I was hunting for old photos to find some of my 'fat pics ' as i wanted to do some before and after things ..... so I went on the desktop , which hubby uses the most .
    I was being nosey and looked at the history .. as you do !!! and I saw an email account I didnt know he had ..... well he was signed in so i didnt even need to think of a password ....... :rolleyes:

    so I found 3 emails from last year , 3 weeks before our wedding infact , replying to an advert for 'discreet casual fun ' on craigslist . he works away at times , and at that time was working in Glasgow .. and he had sent messages to a woman in glasgow arranging to meet ..... there were no confirmed meeting dates etc .. but the worst thing I found were he had said ' I realised there are no pictures of my alone so i have had to do some cutting ..' and he had sent her pics that he had 'cut ' the kids off :cry::cry:

    Well i obviously confronted him , and he admits to arranging to meet someone , he says things were so stressful at home , he wasnt totally sure he wanted to be married and mature .. yada yada ....... but he says that he chickened out at the last minute and didnt meet her ..... he says he realised what he had to loose and called it off ....... he says that since the wedding he has felt amazing about his life , and he is the happiest most settled he has ever been , he says he never thought he would ever feel so 'normal ' and how happy we are ......
    BUT ........ I will never know 100 % that he didnt meet her ... my gut instinct is to believe him , but there will always be doubt ........and the fact he so easily cut the kids out of his pictures ...... OMG I dont know what to do :cry::cry:
     
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  3. Mrs.S.

    Mrs.S. Gold Member

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    Argh hunny I don't know what to say!

    I'm sorry to hear and i hope you're as ok as can be!

    Only you can make any decisions here, and you'll know in your heart what's right and what's not xxx
     
  4. Divster

    Divster Banned

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    Oh hun, I wondered if you were ok :(

    You can both move on from this, and make your marriage work. He was foolish. You have every right to feel hurt, but its really not the end. Talk, work on it, and work it out xx
     
  5. reptara

    reptara Full Member

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    You will know in your heart of hearts if you believe him or not the hard part is trying to find that answer when your upset and angry, which you have every right to be. Regardless of whether you believe him or not only you can decide what to do from now. I'd advise not making any rash decisions give yourself time to think digest and come to terms with what's happened but keep your husband informed that this is what you need. I hope your ok big hugs
     
  6. Leapfrog

    Leapfrog Champion actifryer

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    I can completely sympathise with you. I found out my husband was being unfaithful in exactly the same circumstances - accidentally stumbling across emails in a secret account. I remember that literally "gut-dropping" feeling of discovery and it is something I hope never to experience again. And I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    However, despite all his protests of how sorry he was, I was never able to trust him again and was just waiting for the next time. I don't believe he was ever sorry for what he had done, just sorry he got caught! The inevitable happened and we are now divorced. (I say it's the best decision I never made - but that's a different story!)

    You have to decide if, unlike my situation, you really believe your husband. From what you say, his behaviour has changed since you got married "he seems to have really settled and matured ", which seems to me to indicate that this was a phase of pre-marriage doubt that he was going through. He says he didn't actually go through with meeting the woman. You say there were no more emails, so this seems to back this up. You also both sound very happy, so that's another reason to believe him.

    My only concern is why he was still logged into the "secret" email account. Is he still using it? Usually there is a time-out on being logged in, so it seems odd that he should still be logged in several months after you got married.

    Anyway, sending you big hugs at what I know is a very difficult time for you. xx
     
  7. Qua Sae

    Qua Sae Full Member

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    People can do stupid things when they are stressed & worried about things. I'm not saying the way he dealt with it was the right way, but I am saying I don't think it's a reflection on you or your relationship. I, for example, will always revert to binging & occasionally purging if I am overly stressed.

    I think for your relationship to work, you need to be able to trust each other. You need to be able to trust that he didn't go through with the meet-up & he needs to trust that you will forgive him 100% & not throw this in his face 5 years down the line.

    I would really recommend some sort of counselling either for you both, as a couple, or even just for him so he can learn new ways of coping with stress. My OH was awful with anger & stress, he was constantly worried about something, imagining worst case scenarios of things & that made him angry. A few weeks of counselling & he was feeling much better. He does have to go over some of the things he learnt, but we have a much better relationship because of it.

    I really hope you're able to forgive him for this & you can move on together, stronger than before. I know this is really difficult for you, but try to see it from his point of view.. Really talk to each other, calmly, & take turns explaining how you feel. Tell him how his actions have made you feel. This is something you can move on from, it will be hard & will take time, but you can do it :) x
     
  8. Shirleen

    Shirleen Gold Member

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    No advice, but I wish you all the best xxx

    I will say though that men are wired differently to women and the photo thing was just a means to an end not to do with rejecting the children, even if you explained that to him he probably still wouldn't 'get it'. So try not to fret over that part.

    Oh and having grown up in similar circumstances, it's very hard not to sabotage relationships. Part of the reason I haven't done anything about my weight before is to do with wanting to stay faithful...I love my husband more than I can say, but I do have a self destructive streak. It's like getting the 'fat jokes' in before anyone else can, you fear rejection so you make it your behaviour that being rejected not you personally. Does that make sense? If not don't worry I talk twaddle!
     
  9. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    I found out my (ex) boyfriend was seeing and 'in love' with my (ex) best friend via emails. I confronted him - and he said it had ended (i was a pleb not to leave at this point but had super low self esteem at the time) and then i was always paranoid after that - all arguments ended up with me bringing it up and I never felt i could trust him ever again.

    I was right to not trust him and found him out AGAIN (this time he was with a different woman and i walked in on them! nice!) and was strong enough at that point to make the move and left him. Phew! Best decision ever! I was way too good to be treated like that - and i learnt a lot about myself during this point in my life. I have amazing friends and they are great to air things out with.

    My circs were totally different to yours though because your hubby didnt do anything and your relationship sounds fab (mine wasnt!!!) so i urge you to work through things with him and your marriage and family.

    We all make mistakes and deserve second chances, and on this occasion i think your hubby was very foolish, but didnt act upon his ideas so deserves a second chance.

    xxx
     
  10. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    What a shocking thing for you to discover, lovely, and only you really hold the answers as to what to do next. What you need to do initially is give yourself time and space to absorb this before you make any decisions or do anything.

    First and foremost, try not to read too much into him cutting the kids off the photos. Really, would you want him sending pictures of your kids to some random "pick-up" off the internet, whether or not he went through with it? Whilst none of this is "reasonable", I can see why he would do that. He was in doubt as to whether or not he wanted to be a "family man", which is understandable given his past history, he has little experience other than what you have experienced together, and we learn our parenting skills from our own parents mistakes.

    Whilst I didnt have the same sort of childhood as your hubby, it was very unsettled, and as an adult, I found myself actively seeking stability. That said, it doesnt stop me from time to time freaking out and trying to push that stability away, and I have to actively work through my feelings to get back to feeling settled again. This may be a contributory factor with your hubbys actions, given his unsettled background. He may doubt himself, after all, his own mother couldnt cope with him, that leaves deep scars, and he may not value himself very highly.

    I think you can work through this, but I suggest that both of you should commit to getting some counselling, both to give you a sounding board for how you are feeling, and for him to work through how he feels about himself and to help you both to put this behind you.

    No relationship is perfect, and trust is fragile and does not take much to destroy. This can be fixed, but you need to take it a piece at a time and not try and fix it quickly, because what caused him to act like that was probably fairly deep rooted and he needs to explore that and come to terms with it, as much as you do.

    Sometimes we cannot see what is in front of our faces, until a piece of the jigsaw drops into place. Sometimes the piece of the jigsaw drops, but takes a while to wiggle into place and some adjustments to make it.

    What ultimately happens is down to the both of you and how much you are prepared to work through this. You have EVERY right to feel angry, betrayed, disappointed, but all of these things can be worked through and dissipated if the end result is worth it.

    What makes me curious, and perhaps has crossed your mind, is why he kept all this stuff, even if he didnt go through with it. Thats something you need to discuss with him, and is one of the reasons I think the third party involvement of a counsellor would be particularly useful.

    We are all flawed humans, and we all make mistakes. What matters now is how you deal with it. You probably have many questions, and many emotions to handle, so just take your time processing this and dont rush into anything that you are not ready for.

    I hope you can find your way through this. Its not going to be easy, but one way or another, you will come out of this much stronger for it. Try and keep that in mind as you process this.
     
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  11. Tinnedtomato

    Tinnedtomato Gold Member

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    Wow, I can't imagine how you must be feeling at the moment. It seems that the advice written by others is more or less everything that I wanted to say, so i'll not duplicate it.

    You know your husband better than anyone, so you will know deep down whether to believe him or not. The emails were a while ago, and he went through with the marriage, and it sounds like you have had one of those 'happy ever after' marriages.

    I have taken on my partner's 2 kids, from an ex relationship, and they really do suffer from this kind of thing. Think about them, and don't do anything too rash, too quickly.

    Big hugs xx
     
  12. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    How upsetting for you.

    I've read all the comments & you've been given some amazing 'advice' as always from our 'virtual friends'.

    Just to really say what others have said. Only you can make the decision what to do next. But whatever you decide it will be hard & it will take time for this part of your life to stop being so big. What I'm trying to say is, if you decide to stay you will have doubts for a long time, it will take time to trust him again & to be able to relax. Just go with how you feel & take each day at a time.
     
  13. traymanda

    traymanda Full Member

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    Hi,
    really sorry to hear such news that must be devastating to you. Lots of good advice given, I think you want to work through the issues as you have said that you dont want a divorce. I have to echo other comments of counselling, I am a trained counsellor and have had lots of people "come through the other side", so please think long and hard and don't make a rash descion that will in effect have a massive bearing on the rest of your life......xx
     
  14. joedenise

    joedenise Target Member

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    I wonder, if as he was still logged into that account, he was hoping you see it and it was his way of "confessing". But as others have said only you'll know in your heart what you really want to do. You say you don't want a divorce and that he has matured since you married, just keep talking it through with him and I'm sure you'll come out the other side as a stronger couple.

    Good luck to you for the future.

    Denise
     
  15. determinator

    determinator Banned

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    thanks so much everyone , you have all told me exactly what I was hoping to hear :) I think the worst thing is he has gone to glasgow this morning till tomorrow night ... really could have done with him here to talk to , and not in glasgow .. where it all happened ( or didnt ..)
    I am so mad that I have been up all night thinking about this and he didnt have any problems sleeping .. but thats men I guess .. but also I havent heard anything from him at all today since he left .... so obviously he thinks our marriage is worth making an effort to save ........... still confused.com :'(
     
  16. -Tally-

    -Tally- Silver Member

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    I had a similar experience with regards to finding emails and IM logs. All I can say is that after that things were never the same because the trust was gone and I was constantly checking the computer for signs he was doing things again. I caught him over and over again too but never left due to self esteem issues.

    What I would be questioning is why he is still using this email account and why he felt the need to keep it secret.

    The kids out of the photos wouldn't really bother me so much. I don't think it would be a rejection of the kids, more like a way of hiding his real situation from any woman he sent it to.
     
  17. louisedan

    louisedan Gold Member

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    I can't add much more only that he needs to realise that this is not your fault and that he will have to earn your trust if you decide to forgive him.
     
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  19. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I do not envy you. You poor girl. That waking up in the morning with a sick feeling in your stomach is awful.

    You have been given excellent advice on here but as has been said only you know what you want to do and if for that matter you can do it. By that I mean, can you forgive him to the point where you do not bring it up when you have a disagreement? Can you relax when he is away? Can you trust him again ? Do you want to?

    You do need to talk it all out with him and as they say here, en calma. If you are calm, you are in control and calling the shots.

    My ex was a serial adulterer in a league of his own. I remember screaming at him, sobbing and getting nowhere with an end result of me being physically sick with grief and frustration and him refusing to discuss anything until I had "sorted" myself out.

    Your situation is a million miles from this . I just wanted to emphasise the importance of being in control.

    My heart goes out to you and I wish you a happy outcome.

    You must do what you think is best for you and your children.
     
  20. determinator

    determinator Banned

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    just wanted to say thanks so much for all the advise ! we have spent days talking about it , and I cannot ruin all our lives for the sake of an intention .. I do beleive him that nothing actually happended , although it will take me a long time to get back to feeling the same way about him as i did .
    I know he has loads of issues surrounding his past and relationships etc , he is not able to talk about any of it with anyone , and wish he would , but he has to deal with it in his own way

    We had a nice weekend , with loads of extra effort put in by us both , we arranged a babysitter and went to the pictures and the local pub , and we sat together and watched a film last night .. and he washed my car , and did all the washing up .. let me go back to bed ... lots of nice things ..... I just have to take it as it comes and hope that my normally amazing judgement is not wrong !!
     
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