Help!! Non CD related

Foo Fan

Foo Fan

Gold Member
So where do I start?

Me and my OH have been together 16 months - we have worked with each other 6 years ago and there was always a spark.. We decided to get together nov 2009..
Since then we have had a lot of trouble from his ex - I've had to chance my mob number etc cos she was harassing me etc..
Anyway he has a 10 year old son - that still doesn't know about me.. We live with each other and I stay at my brothers once/twice a week when he has his son..
Today my OH said he thinks he wants to be single because he can't bring himself to tell his son about me..
I'm gutted - we were planning a baby etc...

So I'm now staying at my brothers for a week to give him time to decide what he wants?

I'm so confused!
 
oh hun thats aweful :( I hope he uses this time to work out what he really wants .

I dont really know what to say but couldnt read and run ! I think its very sad that he is not able to have both you and his son in his life , and maybe if he cannot bring himself to tell his son now , then its not ever going to happen and you deserve someone who can give you 110 %

I hope you are ok and stay strong xxx
 
I'm so sorry. That's such a horrible situation and very confusing I imagine. If he was planning a baby with you then I don't understand why he can't introduce you to his son. Unless he wants to be on his own forever he will have to face this. He will probably find his son will actually adapt to it very well and love you. As a serial step child (my dad has been married four times) I never had an issue with either of my parents having other relationships and in fact I was happy they were not on their own. X
 
i'm sorry but he sounds like a complete dick.
you've been together that long and still cant tell his son...
why, wot reason.... i doubt the child will care that much.
it sounds like he is using his son to avoid making a
commitment to you or the relationship...
 
Foo Fan said:
So where do I start?

Me and my OH have been together 16 months - we have worked with each other 6 years ago and there was always a spark.. We decided to get together nov 2009..
Since then we have had a lot of trouble from his ex - I've had to chance my mob number etc cos she was harassing me etc..
Anyway he has a 10 year old son - that still doesn't know about me.. We live with each other and I stay at my brothers once/twice a week when he has his son..
Today my OH said he thinks he wants to be single because he can't bring himself to tell his son about me..
I'm gutted - we were planning a baby etc...

So I'm now staying at my brothers for a week to give him time to decide what he wants?

I'm so confused!
Click to expand...

you've a right to be confused. he's going to decide regardless of what you feel but he obviously doesn't deserve you. he has a problem with himself and not you. he should have told his son many years ago and it will only be getting harder the older his son gets.

is it a joint place you share? if it's his move and make him realise that he misses you. 6 odd years is a long time to be together to be landed with this. do you think his ex has said something to him? is it out of character for him? is he going through a crisis of confidence?
 
im sorry to say but he does sound like hes using his son as an excuse, he should have told his son ags ago, and kids adapt very quickly, hope ur ok xxx
 
Thanks guys - just to clarify..
We have only been together since November 2009 - he only split with his sons mother in september 2009 - so we got together very quickly after he split up with her (they were together 12 years)

His ex would not allow him to see his son if she knew that I lived with him - thats a big reason why his son doesn't know.. Also his son has taken the break up very hard and is only just getting uses to them not being together...

Hope this makes sense?
 
Bloods thicker than water I'm afraid

Terrible situation to be in yourself.

Your boyfriend naturally will chose his child over you but that doesn't make it any easier

I can read the situation very well from this end, and I don't think your boyfriend is a bad person at all

He perhaps was never as serious about the relationship as you were, and with all respect, used you as a filler inbetween the split from his ex and the time you got together ( as it was merely 2 months gap)

I hope you all find a solution, but I can see all sides.
 
Hi

I was in a similar situation in that my ex found out he had a 5 year old son he never knew about after we had been together a year and were planning to move in together. His ex made it very clear from the start that she would cause ructions about me meeting his son (even though that was not on the agenda at all and I actually didn't have any expectations of meeting his son for a long time).

I made all sorts of excuses about my ex about what he was going through but the reality of the matter was that he turned away from me rather than towards me during a time of stress when we were supposed to be building a life and relationship together.

I think this guy is emotionally unavailable at the moment and therefore if it wasn't his son it would be something else that would be making him pull away from you. I think you need to pull out and beware becoming his "fall back girl" which is what I did. For a further 4 years I was there when he felt low and called me, I was there when he was drunk and feeling nostalgic... all the time convincing myself it showed we still had a connection and a good deep friendship... (even though he had gotten back together with his ex "for the sake of the child") but recently I have faced the harsh reality that this was all in my head and I was an ego stroke for him when he felt lonely etc. I don't mean he is a bad man.. he is just not available.

Your man needs to sort his head out and you cannot "wait for him" as you may only end up getting hurt more. Sadly he has already learned to believe that you come 2nd to his needs as he has gotten you to move out of your home to suit him.

Can I suggest baggagereclaim.com to you? A fab site.

You have to put yourself first because if you don't he certainly won't.

Take care
 
Hi, his ex has no right to prevent him from seeing you or his son, and any court in the land would see this. As they have been separated over a year, and you were not the reason why he left then maybe he should be brave enough to make it official and bring in the lawyers.

However, what is this man doing to your self esteem hun?

Hope this week apart can help you both, Mr T left for a week and a bit in September, after several months of informing him we should get divorced every time we argued I realised how wrong I was!

However let me tell you that a lot of the arguments were based on my resent from past events when I thought he had let me down, which lowered my self-esteem and therefore influenced my behaviour towards him.

Luckily I finally had counselling and we now communicate really well, I think we are stronger than ever and I don't blame him as the root of all evils....don't get me wrong it wasn't just because of our relationship that I turnrned to cbt, my mum's death and dad's dementia played a big part in my emotions.

But please remember if you go back feeling second best it is a recipe for a lot of unhappiness, be strong, go out and have fun with your pals and discover the real you whilst he is making up his mind.

Whatever you do, don't give up on Cambridge as it will just add to your woes.
Hugs Mrs T x
 
Loads of love sweetness, no advice from me I'm rubbish, just want u to know I'm thinking about u and hope your ok xxxx
 
Thanks guys youve given me a lot to think about... The reason Ive left the flat is because its his place and I only moved in in Oct... Its very hard cos I moved to manchester to be with him - a lot of my friends that ive made are through him etc...

He's such a good dad and doesnt want to hurt his son - his dad left when he was young and he doent know him to this day so this plays a big part in him trying to protect his son...

Anyway thanks again for the advice!
 
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