Horrible Atmosphere !!!! :(

Thanks everyone for your comments......I hear what you are all saying and am grateful for your honesty.
Today the atmosphere has thawed - the kids haven't mentioned anything about any of it all day and have been speaking nicely to Dean (which makes a change). We seem to have these 'peaks' in our marriage when something is said or crops up out of the blue and makes me re-evaluate things.....
I appreciate your advice though and am taking it onboard.

:)
 
didnt want to read and run so big hugs and fingers crossed.
 
Big hugs Ducky, and I will ask my Angels to help.
 
Hi there.

I want to add my two pennies worth!

You say the atmosphere has gotten better etc and the kids are better but my mum and dad were together for 25 years! It was a horrible horrible marriage and i lived as well as my sister a very very unhappy upbringing.
I hated my dad and he was abusive mentally and physically! My mum stayed and i also remember begging her to leave him. But she didnt.
He was abusive to me and my sister too and constantly went on about how ugly i was and how my sister had a pizza face etc. Never told us he loved us even when my mum said just tell them you love them he turned round and said why would i do that?

Your husband sounds very similar!

But can I please say I ENDED UP RESENTING MY MUM and do you really want your kids doing the same? Those girls look up to you and you are their role model. Would you like it if they ended up being treated like **** by men for the rest of their lives as i can gurantee that they will if you stay! I was lucky. I was treated like **** by boyfriends and thought i wasnt worth anything more but i luckily ended up meetin my husband who I still cant believe to this day I am lucky enough to be with! But even when we got together i was nasty tio him cos i deep down didnt feel i deserved to be with someone decent and i believe i was like this cos of the way i saw my mum treated.

My dad didnt respect my mum and in turn i ended up not respecting her for putting up with it.

Please seriously think about it, it may be getting betternow but what about the next time and what about your kids feelings?

Please just think about it!
x
 
Hi FNM this is just a tiny hijack.

Your response to this topic nearly had me in tears. I can now understand your lack of belief in yourself. What a ******* to do that to you.

You can draw a line under all of your early life with your parents, you are special.

Every day you must tell yourself you ARE a lovely young woman, you ARE worthwhile, you ARE a compassionate ,loving and lovable lady.

I think you are great but at times can see your insecurities. Now I know why.

Surely no one wants their kids to grow up like this.
 
aw bless u i didnt post it for that lol i just dont want OP making same mistakes! My son is my world and i could never ever imagine why my mum would stay with my dad over the safety of her kids it just blows my mind.
xxx
 
Dean is not physically abusive - I know my children are not in any risk - I would have him out the door physically if need be should he ever go that way - my kids come first regardless!
Last night Dean tried his luck and I turned him down which now meant today he purposely left behind the Toyota number re. Ernie (my car) and muttered how if I don't do things for him he won't for me as he left the house to go to work.......stuff him! I rang Toyota and got the quotes myself - I will not beg to him! Only problem I have is that the part costs £26 BUT the garage fixing it for me will cost nearly £300 !!!! Part of me thinks maybe I should lay back think of England to get car fixed by him but then my heart says WHY SHOULD I IN EFFECT PIMP MYSELF FOR THE FAMILY CAR TO GET FIXED!!!!
Dean's problem I can see is his poor attitude towards others (got that from his parents!!!), the fact he lives in daydream everyone elses life is better state, and the disinterest in us all unless we instigate.

:( Jill
 
just an idea - get a quote from another garage - usually, local ones are cheaper than the main dealers!!!! xxxx
 
Big hug to you, your message is so sad, you know you deserve so much better, however, only you can decide your marital status, my friends husband cheated on her and left her for a younger model, walked out on her and their three kids, when the younger model tired of the mug and kicked him out my friend took him straight back, we all thought she was crazy, but they are still together 6 years on, so maybe you could talk things thru, see if you both want the same things, as for the sex thing - don't give him any! he'll soon be acting a bit more thoughtful...
 
Poppy, I feel for you so much but I need to say this and I hope you take it with the intention it was meant, and that is an intention of kindness and caring.

Your husband is not behaving like an adult. He is playing stupid games, potentially cheating on you, mocking you behind your back, and behaving like a stroppy child who cant get his own way. While you stay with him and make excuses for his behaviour, he is NEVER going to change. He might not be physically abusive but the risk here is not to you and your childrens physical wellbeing, it is to all of your mental and emotional wellbeing.

Not only are you teaching your kids that the way he is behaving is a normal way to behave in a marriage, which it is not, you are teaching them that you deal with problems by brushing them under the carpet and hoping they will go away. Can you honestly say that this relationship makes you happy? That this man makes you happy? It certainly doesnt sound like he is in any way loving or supportive of you or your children. It sounds like he treats you with absolute disregard and is getting away with living the life of a single man while you deal with all the responsibilities of family life.

What exactly is it that is stopping you from kicking this guy into touch? You say you dont want to throw away all those years of marriage. But this is not a marriage, you are having to parent your husband as well as your children, there is no equality and there is no apparent real love and respect for one another.

Its heartbreaking stuff to just read about, let alone live with. For your own sake, and for your childrens, PLEASE think about whether this is really worth all the heartache you are dealing with. You are NOT a failure if you walk away from this situation. HE is the person who is failing you.

(((hugs)))

And also, Fatty_No_More - huge hugs to you. I didnt know my dad, until I was much older (and wise enough to be able to deal with the fact that he wasnt a mystical superhero, but just a drunken inadequate) but I had similar issues with a stepdad who really didnt seem to care about me, and who treated me very badly when he lost his temper. The stuff I went through would have had him thrown in prison in this day and age. All I wanted was for him to love me but he was not capable of doing that. I completely agree with Fillymum, you are NOT the product of your parents, but are an excellent example of how to learn by their mistakes and not repeat them in your own life. BIG hugs to you for being utterly splendid.
 
Hugs to you hun. I was in an terrible relationship with my first son's dad he was mentally and physically abusive and my son seen it all. He too refused to leave the house so on the week i passed my driving test i waited for him to go to work and put my son, my dog and as many of our belongings as would fit into my car and went to lodge with a friend who was recently divorced. I was half yay through my nurse training and had bugger all. I knew that i would be better off though than living in the misery i had before and my son was much happier seeing both parents without all the crap involved. Plus it didn't work out too bad i ended up getting together with my friends son and we have now been married for 5 years and have a 5 year old son. It really says noone to stay in a dead end relationship. Hope you can sort it soon xx
 
Amazing to hear all your stories about what you have lived through......and you all seem to have come out the other side as well adjusted individuals.
I think it takes courage to get out of and move on from bad situations such as bad childhood, marriages etc but we all have one shot at life and have to make the best of it.
No good looking back at your life in years to come and regreting what could have been. We all have the chance to make choices, more so these days then ever before I think, don't sit back and take second best, we are all worth so much more than that.
Life is too short, grab it with two hands and live it!

Jill.....in regards to exchanging favours for favours (!) ie. You 'giving' Dean sex in exchange for him fixing the car......what kind of man does this???
I would put a blanket ban on him (unless you want it of course!) and also do nothing else for him either, like meals, ironing etc and ask him to do things for you in exchange for doing them! See how he likes being bribed......
Aside from this awful situation affecting your children, this cannot be doing anything for your own self esteem.
 
poppyowner said:
Dean is not physically abusive - I know my children are not in any risk - I would have him out the door physically if need be should he ever go that way - my kids come first regardless!
Last night Dean tried his luck and I turned him down which now meant today he purposely left behind the Toyota number re. Ernie (my car) and muttered how if I don't do things for him he won't for me as he left the house to go to work.......stuff him! I rang Toyota and got the quotes myself - I will not beg to him! Only problem I have is that the part costs £26 BUT the garage fixing it for me will cost nearly £300 !!!! Part of me thinks maybe I should lay back think of England to get car fixed by him but then my heart says WHY SHOULD I IN EFFECT PIMP MYSELF FOR THE FAMILY CAR TO GET FIXED!!!!
Dean's problem I can see is his poor attitude towards others (got that from his parents!!!), the fact he lives in daydream everyone elses life is better state, and the disinterest in us all unless we instigate.

:( Jill
Click to expand...

he may not be physically abusive but hes damaging those girls! they will see you not believing u deserve better and will aspire to the same themselves! just please think about it. x
 
honey, only you can decide what happens next..

but as far as im concerned emotional abuse is stronger than any punch. Just because he doesnt hit your kids doesnt make this situation excusable... hes acting like an egotistical toddler. if he really loved you and the kids he would have already taken steps to make sure it never got this bad in the first place. unless you genuinly in your heart can see things improving and you both living a long and happy life together..spare yourself and the kids anymore upset. Maybhneeds to loose you all to really see his faults for himself.. and if not, although it will be hard atleast youl have a chance of finding new happiness and raising your girls in a healthier, postive home.


just my opinion

all my love to you xxxxxxxxx
 
poppyowner said:
Dean is not physically abusive - I know my children are not in any risk - I would have him out the door physically if need be should he ever go that way - my kids come first regardless!
Last night Dean tried his luck and I turned him down which now meant today he purposely left behind the Toyota number re. Ernie (my car) and muttered how if I don't do things for him he won't for me as he left the house to go to work.......stuff him! I rang Toyota and got the quotes myself - I will not beg to him! Only problem I have is that the part costs £26 BUT the garage fixing it for me will cost nearly £300 !!!! Part of me thinks maybe I should lay back think of England to get car fixed by him but then my heart says WHY SHOULD I IN EFFECT PIMP MYSELF FOR THE FAMILY CAR TO GET FIXED!!!!
Dean's problem I can see is his poor attitude towards others (got that from his parents!!!), the fact he lives in daydream everyone elses life is better state, and the disinterest in us all unless we instigate.

:( Jill
Click to expand...

Jill, I am so sorry I do not want to upset or offend you in any way, but I can not believe I have just read that or that you accept that as being normal.

Come on, you can see the wood for the trees, you know you can. Do not do what I did and waste years of your life and have your kids suffer because of you and your husband.........get out whilst the going is good.

This is such an unhealthy attitude in a marriage. If it was my man I would see him in hell. Sex is supposed to be a mutual, loving act not a form of currency.
 
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