Horrible Atmosphere !!!! :(

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by poppyowner, 9 August 2010 Social URL.

  1. poppyowner

    poppyowner Silver Member

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    Dean took the kids up to London this weekend - they saw DIL (DRAGON-in-law) and attended one of Deans mates familys parties (the family who used to burden themselves on us whenever they seemed fit!).

    Anyway - when they were up there Amber kept texting me telling me Dean was slagging me off to his Mum and those friends - he was calling me lazy saying he had tested me in the past leaving litter somewhere and finding it still there when he got home (????), said I had a bad attitude, said that he suspected me of having an affair (???), then also told his mate how a while back he had gone to a swingers party but told me he was on call out !!!!!

    I told Amber to ignore his comments and how he must've been showing off etc infront of his mates (shame our kids had to hear it though!!!!)........

    Course then they arrive home...Sunday afternoon, Dean comes up to me and says "Are you going to stop being so shitty? give me a cuddle then!" - I couldn't dob in the girls for their texts (Aimee had sent a couple too) so I was internally seething by this point......... I gave him a peck on the cheek but he seemed desperately trying to spoil for a fight......everything I said he nitpicked at....

    Anyway last night in bed I confronted him over swingers party bit but he told me it was his mate who told him he'd done it - when Dean at work today I again asked the girls and both were 100% positive Dean had said it.

    Then last night Ernie (my beloved car) packed in - usually Dean would check and try to fix it but was in such a bad mood I didn't ask and he never offered. Breakdown brought us home which helped tho....

    Today he comes home from work and goes to look at ernie but then suggests driving him a long distance to see if it leaks!!!! I was told NOT to drive him as could cause other engine damage - he throws a tantrum and says he won't look anymore....... also refused to pick up a Freecycle I'd arranged on Friday evening.....MEN!!!!!

    SO I said I'd find a mechanic to come out and fix Ernie (my parents have offered to lend me the money as obviously I need the car!) - Dean then launches into how as I am fulltime Mum/Housewife (allbeit trying to find a job to fit round school hours...) the money coming in was HIS and how HE didn't want me wasting it on Mechanic and would rather see it rust on drive!!!!!!

    STUFF THAT!!!! So tomorrow I AM looking for a mechanic - he had his chance today and tantrumed out of it, Michael will be missing a meet n greet at zoo tomorrow as need a car to get there and Wednesday 4Arms from Ben10 is there who michael has been counting down the days to seeing - I will not let Dean power kick Michael into missing out!!!! IF I can get ernie fixed tomorrow then SOD HIM I will!

    He infuriates me soooooooo much, he moans about what he hasn't got in life ie money, flash car etc BUT NEVER sees what he has got.

    Worrying me tho is we have CadburyWorld at end of this month so need Ernie in tiptop condition as over 3 hour drive!!!!!

    Sorry to have this rant but just need it off my chest - he is denying the Swinger party, he denies the calling me lazy etc yet both girls have quoted the same to me separately..........

    I wish the girls hadn't texted me so I'd have been blissfully ignorant!

    Amber keeps telling me I can do better than him and to chuck him out / divorce him ... so sad to hear your kid say that to you!!!

    Years back I tried chucking him out - he took a bag drove off then rang me 15 mins later to tell me he'd crashed into the back of another car so was on way home!!!! OH , AND HE TOLD HIS MATE THAT AS WELL WHEN THERE!!

    I don't know what to do - feel soooooooooo miserable (am close to tears typing this!), this isn't a marriage - it's more like a bad tempered house-share! :(

    This is tempting me to comfort eat BUT have decided I have little control in other areas - I WILL TAKE CHARGE OF MY DIET PLAN!!!!!

    Don't tell me to ask him to leave - did that a while back and he just refused and said if I wanted to go I could and I should take our kids with me !!! I told him I would NEVER leave this house - a family home is for a FAMILY not one selfish pig headed little ****! (scuse my language!!!) I would not uproot my kids and squish them into a room at my parents while he lanquished in several rooms....... so we have a standoff!!!

    He wants us to be physical - I don't feel I want to be physical (apart from bash him one!!!) with someone who comes in from work, has dinner then goes to bedroom to play computer games til kids are in bed then comes down when I go up or when kids are in bed......no conversation when down with me THEN in the night expects some ACTION!!!!! C'mon get real!!! BUT he says if he doesn't get his 'desserts' why should he make an effort with HIS/OUR kids??!?!???!! BUT THEN when I have 'provided' he hasn't made 1% more effort.

    Anyway better stop this rant now before your eyes start to bleed ;)

    Jill:kissass:
     
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  3. rosinakathleen

    rosinakathleen Big, busty and Blowsy!

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    (((((hugs)))))
     
  4. avisk

    avisk xx

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    Gosh, what a charming person!

    What you need is some legal advice about your position regarding the house, so that if you do decide on a breakup then you will have all the information you need. The Citizens Advice Bureau is a good (free) place to start - Get advice

    He will find that if he does push you into breaking up then the money coming in is definitely not "his"! Marriage gives you rights. Find out what they are. When you have all the relevant information, then you can make an informed decision.

    Meanwhile, you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. I certainly would not want to provide any "services" for someone who behaves like that!

    Good for you for deciding to take control of your diet plan, but you can take control in other areas as well, if you put your mind to it.
     
  5. RubyMoss

    RubyMoss Silver Member

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    Wow.
    You really sound like you're having a rough time of it.
    I really cannot relate, but I'm glad you felt that you could share this with us; it often really helps to get things off your chest.

    Kudos to you for taking control of your diet, very well done.
    You obviously deserve better than this, and I think you should act on it, for your sake.

    *hugs* xxxxx
     
  6. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    Oh goodness. If ever there was a plea for help this is it.

    Avisks advice it the right advice. I think you will find you have more rights than him if your kids are still school age. Check with Citizens Advice. It costs nothing and you will then know exactly where you are.

    It would be so much better for your children to be with one happy parent than two obviously unhappy and waring ones.

    What a horrid time for you. The sooner you resolve it the better.

    This man blatantly boasts of his "experiences", bad mouths you, his wife. He has no respect or regard for you.

    You know the answer.

    hugs xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx[​IMG]
     
  7. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    Oh heck. I can't add any other advice, other than this - get out. There is absolutely no point staying in a relationship where you and the children are not happy. It does you no favours in the long run. I speak from experience!

    If you can work things out then great but, from what you have said, it seems to have gone a bit too far.

    Huge hug and good luck hun. xx
     
  8. pammyd

    pammyd Silver Member

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    I can't add anything that hasn't already been said. Sounds like you know the answer yourself, but knowing and doing are two different things. I really hope it works out for you one way or the other
     
  9. emma-louise

    emma-louise Silver Member

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    awww Jill i cant imagine how you must be feeling hun - big hugs!!!

    can i ask how old your girls are? when i was 14 and my brother 11 our parents divorced, my dad was a right nasty piece of work but my mum had been staying with him because she thought it was better for us, it took me telling her to leave him for her to actually do it even though it was what she had wanted for years. i know it must be really hard for you, but you deserve so much better for this man, you obviously love your kids so much and they love you too, do whats best for them as someone said above, its better to have one parent who loves you in a happy environment than live with two "parents" (ie. he isnt much of one!) and be unhappy, i hope youre ok hun, you know we are all here whenever you need us xxx
     
  10. Mrs V

    Mrs V Loves Life!

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    I have to agree with the others Hun. The advice has already been given, but I just wanted to add:
    You are worth more than being put down by anyone, particularly someone who is supposed to love you and support you.
    Do you think that this is a healthy environment for you and your children???
    Definitely go to CAB and see what options you have.

    Take care.

    xxx
     
  11. poppyowner

    poppyowner Silver Member

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    Emma-Louise - my kids are 15, 13 and 5.

    Thanks for the advice......... I understand fully what you are all saying but years ago I looked into things and thought very carefully about everything. I decided then to not seek divorce etc - I take my marriage vows VERY seriously and if a shadow of doubt is present I do not feel ready to chuck in 15 years of marriage - cast iron proof is different!
    Dean is going to see if he can fix Ernie tonight (really need to save the £s where we can!!) but told him IF he cannot fix it I will not hesitate in calling a mechanic - he will not power trip me!
    Thanks for the advice - also SUE thanks for the PM - it didn't come up on site but it came through to my email inbox - thanks xx
     
  12. jaylou

    jaylou Gold Member

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    Good luck to you. Marriage vows are very serious but no-one should be mistreated.
    I do hope he sees the error of his ways hun and that you sort things out.
    Good luck. x
     
  13. alwyn

    alwyn Silver Member

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    Oh hon, you sound like you're going through a really rough time at the moment :( *hugs*

    You mention about "shadow of doubt" - I assume you're talking about whether or not he went to the swingers party and cheated on you? I think whether he did or didn't is irrelevant - he went with the intention to do it, and he's done nothing but disrespect you. He's treating you like a house and "favours" slave, pulling out the emotional blackmail when you stand up to him - "I bring in all the money", "If I don't get xx I won't look after the kids".

    Sounds like you're better off without him, obviously your daughter thinks so.

    Good luck with whatever you decide, my FB/PM box is always open xxx
     
  14. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I don't think the issue here is whether you take your marriage vows seriously, but whether he does. It does not appear to be the case .
    Of course none of us here know you personally so are not really in a position to offer any real advice .The advice given to you by everyone is only based on what you have told us.
    Your children are obviously the most important consideration here but a word of warning from one who has been there. I stayed with my ex who was a serial adulterer and verbally violent, until our son had gone to University. That was a big mistake. Years later our son confessed how miserable those years had been for him living in an atmosphere of bickering, rowing, tears (mine) and shouting (him) and every night when he went to bed he prayed we would divorce or at the very least separate.

    I wish you all that you wish yourself.

    Take care,

    hugs xxxxxxx
     
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  15. The Punisher

    The Punisher Full Member

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    I can totally understand what you're saying hun, but I think that your situation boils down to basic human decency. This man is supposed to love you, or at least, love your kids if he doesn't love you. It sounds like there is only one person in his life that he cares about-HIM! Obviously I'm not going to advise you to leave your hubby, that's a decision only you can make.
    But I will say this. I'm 27 years old, my parents have been married for 29 years, and my earliest memories were of arguments, verbal and physical abuse. mum was always too scared to leave him, she's an Irish catholic so you can guess... I once asked her why she didn't leave him, I was told 'you're a child, you don't understan' Kids may not understand, but they DO pick up on it. I had a blimming miserable childhood with all that arguing etc.. and I think I'd have been happier in a cramped room in my nan's place with mum and sis, if it meant she'd have been her old bubbly self.
    What you really need to think about is your kids, as I said, they pick up on things, they witness things you think they don't...and they may think that it's the norm. My first real relationship was one of mental abuse and bullying. I saw nothing wrong with it because I'd grown up with it, my sister found herself on a similar path, but is stronger than me so she ended the relationship. Would you want your daughter to be in your shoes at some point in her life?
    Think about yourself, and your kids and what changes you wanna see, and take your action from there.
    Good luck, and remember, we're all here for you. xx
     
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  16. Bige

    Bige Full Member

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    You may be better off looking at wikivorce.co.uk they are a support group with lots of people going through the same as you. It helps a lot as I have used it myself.

    Hope everything works out for you

    Take care
     
  17. *Cupcake*

    *Cupcake* is working hard.....

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    Hon, I hear your frustration and pain and concern and fear.

    You've had some brilliant insight and advice on this thread, but the only person who really knows is you.

    I can't add any more really than others have said, other than to advise some professional help - Relate are awesome, and have a trusted and respected reputation.

    Take control for real, and ask your husband to go with you for counselling. Communication in a neutral environment will be beneficial for you both. If he refuses, then you go alone.

    Talk to a professional who will not judge nor tell you what to do. Relate will hear you, and help you understand the dynamics of your marriage and how you go forward. Its a safe place to say how you feel and it WILL help you cope with whatever comes next. Relate can also help your children, who also don't deserve to be hearing and witnessing what they have.

    You can do it. Be brave. We're here for you xx

    Relate - the relationship people
     
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  18. *EB*

    *EB* Gold Member

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    Everyone has given great advice, but i didnt want to read and not comment.

    I think sometimes when someone has done something wrong (swingers party/affair as the examples here) they often start trying to turn the tables and find fault in things you have done so they are not seen as the bad person.

    I think where he was badmouthing you to his family, and suggesting you have been having 'an affair', not doing housework etc, is his way of covering his tracks in my opinion.

    I think you need to speak to a professional councellor as a marriage is where 2 people work together to live a happy life and have a happy home, and someone in this marriage (him) is not doing this. I can imagine you want it to work, but if you dont have the foundations left - by foundations i mean things such as communciation, trust, honesty and respect - you might be better getting out of this relationship, not only for your own good - but your childrens too.

    I have been treated quite badly in the past, and i stuck my head in the sand about it. I then took action and left the cheater and never looked back since, however I wasnt married or had children to consider - but look after yourself and your kids above anyone else. There are always options - dont suffer in silence. Friends are wonderful in hard times - and im sure you have family who will help as well.

    Sending you lots of love xxx
     
  19. lentil2

    lentil2 Gold Member

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    He wants us to be physical - I don't feel I want to be physical (apart from bash him one!!!) with someone who comes in from work, has dinner then goes to bedroom to play computer games til kids are in bed then comes down when I go up or when kids are in bed......no conversation when down with me THEN in the night expects some ACTION!!!!! C'mon get real!!! BUT he says if he doesn't get his 'desserts' why should he make an effort with HIS/OUR kids??!?!???!! BUT THEN when I have 'provided' he hasn't made 1% more effort.

    I think this says loads about your marriage. 'Providing' for him isn't what a loving relationship/marriage should be about. It's about 2 people who should love or at least respect and care for each other. It sounds like he has absolutely no respect and dare I say it, no love either for you at all. Sorry to be harsh Jill but you know the situation and only you can change it. You've had some great advice from people on here and I know from another site you've had great support and advice over the years too.
    Someone mentioned about your daughters growing up and finding themselves in the same situation as they may think this is the norm. I would also be concerned that your son may pick up on how his Dad acts and may also think that is how All men behave. You deserve more Jill and so do your kids.
    Do something now before it's too late.....

    take care
     
  20. big bear

    big bear A bear on a mission!

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    I didn't want to read & run lots of hugs coming ur way.

    I can't add to what already has been said. The girls on here give fab advice & we're all here to support u.

    Xxxx
     
  21. Littleslimmingbee

    Littleslimmingbee Gold Member

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    Aw hon. I am so so so sorry to hear what a tough time your having at home.

    I can only echo what others have said- i really really feel for you though.

    I do think you should suggest some proffesional help- but quite honestly i think it sounds like in your heart you know its over- but thats just what i'm hearing from your original post. sorry if iv made the wrong assumption there. It concerns me that even your daughters are advising you that you should leave. . i come from a large family, and my mother has been married 3 times and it has to be said- no matter how difficult it is, if your children are unhappy- it isnt just you and your marrige, it's their childhood, their home being plagued by it all.. and thats not fair.
    Also, as mentioned above- the impact of the home life your children are experiancing may well affect future relationships. My youngest brother is 9 and keeps making sexist comments and has a terrible terrible anger problem, along with a terrible needy and self critical issues- brought on by my mother nasty ex husband (most recent) as that is what he thinks is normal..

    I grew up with a nasty nasty, vile man as a father- i knew it wasnt right and that it wasnt a nice way to live- but i seemed to have sourced out men who all displayed simalar attributes to him in the past. (untill now thankgod) i didnt want it, but it was like i met men who instantly felt familiar and i thought it was normal to be in an angry, violent and emotionally abusive relationship.

    my younger sisters think that they dont have to bother doing well in life because they'l just meet men who dont want them to work and will provide them with everything- aslong as they sacrifice whatever man see's fit.



    Sending you all the love in the world. I hope things get better x
     
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