I don't really know how to put this...

[nixx]

....without it sounding preachy or offensive, so let me start by saying that's not my intention at all - it's a genuine question. About me, firstly. I've lost and gained stones and stones all through my life, since being about 12. My latest (and last, I hope) loss - I lost around 4 stones 7 lbs on Lipotrim, and have maintained (and lost a few pounds) by doing WW since I stopped LT in August this year. I joined a class, but don't don't go as I'm not trying to lose. I know it's there if I need it though. I'm very strict with myself and my biggest fear now is putting any weight back on, as I know from vast personal experience that once I start, I wont stop, and I'll be back needing to lose 4 stones before I know it.

Anyway....

I lurk a lot on a lot of boards on this site, but don't post much. I see people repeatedly "starting again" and coming back a day or 3 later saying they've cheated/been bad/fallen off the wagon/had a night out/been stressed etc etc and completely understand this - we're human after all. What I wonder about is this- whether it does us good, whether it's useful for others on the boards to say things like

"don't worry, you'll get back into it"
"it's ok, you deserve a treat"
"what are you like, now start again!"
"it's only a few days, love, you'll pull that back in no time"
"now start again tomorrow, put that behind you"

I can see that as a one-off, if I'd just had one off day in weeks of behaving, that sort of encouragement would probably work, but honestly, it's a theme on these boards over and over again, so it can't be working for "repeat offenders", can it? Are we really helping them by being gentle and kind? Would we not be better getting tough?

My very first WW leader hundreds of years ago was very tough, and took no excuses. She got results! It made members more honest both with her and more importantly with themselves, and they knuckled down and lost the weight, rather than losing 2, gaining 1.5, losing 0.5, gaining 3...etc. etc...

I really don't mean to offend, and I'm not getting at anyone in particular - I just noticed a recurring theme. And I know it's easy for me to say, now I'm at goal, but believe me, maintaining is as hard, if not harder, than losing (and Ive done it a fair few times!).

I wonder what anyone else thinks?

 

[Twiggy]

Hi Nixx

I have to say I agree with you - but it is very hard to kick someone when they're already feeling bad about themselves.

I personally would need the kick, but probably would be offended if someone kicked me lol

But I too see repeat offenders and wonder if the "never minds" are really helping. Saying that I'd never jump in and say "Get a grip" so I'm guilty too!

Anyway - congrats on making goal ... and don't put any weight back on or I'll kick your butt

 

[nixx]

Hiya Twiggy and thanks for relpying. If you ever need a buttkicking, you know where to come! I know what you mean, I'd never wade in and shout "get a grip" either - I just wondered if anyone else was thinking it, or if anyone would say they really need it. If I'm bad, I WILL come asking for a shake, otherwise I'll be straight back where I was :-(

 

[Tubs]

Nixx, IMO anyone who is here is here to lose weight for themselves, not for you or me or any other member here. Nobody can force us to stick to any diet 100% with or without a kick in the arse. At the end of the day at least they're being honest with themselves about falling off the wagon. Responses like you've posted may or may not encourage people to get back on the wagon, but if we all posted 'for gawds sake, not again? Would you ever cop on!' I'd imagine they'd run a mile and not come back to minimins. Or at the very least it would discourage people from being honest in the future

 

[Sweetpea]

Hi nixx,

I totally agree with you and I feel exactly the same.

When people cheat time and time again it does make me wonder whether a different diet would be more suited to them. I expressed a view like this some weeks ago and had a couple of responses from offended people.

Okay so if you try and support people by dishing out a bit of tough love you get angry responses from the offended who think people in need of support will stop using the forum.

If you give out sympathy and the kind of messages you've mentioned then newcomers who read the threads will think the diet doesn't work if so many people are failing to stick to it. Newcomers may stop reading the forum.

I've found it a bit difficult reading all the threads about struggling or failing and I try not to read any if I can tell from the title that is what they are about. I find them a bit demoralising - good job I have a positive frame of mind anyway or I might have given up after reading some of them.

Everyone is different though. I was hoping that this forum would be a support mechanism but I don't think it is for me for exactly the reasons you've mentioned. I do use it generally for information and a lot of people on here have been very helpful though.

Just an idle thought - there are lots of people who eat for comfort (including myself in the old days) but how good would it have been if instead of people offering 'support' and sympathy, they had said "look what you are doing to your body by stuffing yourself with food". I wish someone had said this to me.

 

[Tubs]

Hmmm maybe I've just missed those posts then

I know I 'failed' at Lipotrim, but I'm back on WW now and determined to lose the weight. I didn't come back here until I was 100% certain that's what I wanted for myself. I'm not saying I'm not going to slip up at any stage(in fact, I have twice already, but got stuck back in immediately after).

I don't suppose I'd want sympathy when I mess up, I mean, if I've messed up on MY diet that I'M doing to help ME what good is sympathy to me?

Perhaps empathy from people who've been there but got back on track may help. Those who can say 'Look, I've been there and if I can do it you can'. I would like support to get back on track! Sympathy and support are different, aren't they?

 

[Sweetpea]

Sympathy and support are different, aren't they?

I think they are different but I'm not sure they don't become confused with each other on this forum. I do think it is good for people to see that others have blipped and then got back to it and succeeded but maybe there are too few threads where people are sticking to the rules, doing well and succeeding. Or maybe they just don't post on her because they just don't need to?

 

[nixx]

Nixx, IMO anyone who is here is here to lose weight for themselves, not for you or me or any other member here. Nobody can force us to stick to any diet 100% with or without a kick in the arse. At the end of the day at least they're being honest with themselves about falling off the wagon. Responses like you've posted may or may not encourage people to get back on the wagon, but if we all posted 'for gawds sake, not again? Would you ever cop on!' I'd imagine they'd run a mile and not come back to minimins. Or at the very least it would discourage people from being honest in the future

I DID say I didn't want to cause offence. I realise no-one's here to lose weight for me, and that they're being honest. I just wondered whether constant reassurance that everything's ok (when it patently isn't, in some cases) is a good thing. For me, the "for gawd's sake" would work - I realise it wouldn't for everyone, just as "oh, it's fine, never mind" works for some, and not others.

 

[Sweetpea]

I DID say I didn't want to cause offence.

There was absolutely nothing offensive in your post. It is really good to hear different points of view of the forum.

 

[Tubs]

I'm not offended lol

Maybe start a 'kick my ass' thread for those who that works for and a ' pat my head' thread for those sympathy works for

Sure we're all different! Thank God

 

[Dobo]

The best weight loss I ever had was with a very strict leader - I got to goal and stayed there until my first child (who's now 12). I have never got back to goal since. I loose a stone, gain a stone and so it goes on. I started WW back in January. Made good progress with the first stone but the second half stone has been a real struggle and I still have at least another stone to go. Over the past few months, I have been one of those people who every tuesday, after weigh in the night before, say right this is it, definately sticking to the diet etc etc and by Thursday I'm cheating. Yes it is nice to know you are not the only one who is struggling when sometimes you feel very isolated but I do understand what you are saying about a good kick up the backside. I used to loose weight with my first leader just to show her I could do it - I'm sure that was her intention ! I wish I could bring her back out of retirement - I might reach slimdom again !

 

[dellybelly]

I'm not offended lol

Maybe start a 'kick my ass' thread for those who that works for and a ' pat my head' thread for those sympathy works for

Sure we're all different! Thank God

Tubs - what a great idea, and I've got just the image for those who need the boot rather than a pat..

That'd soon put you off going off the rails don't you think? lol.

 

[pandora]

i am one of the repeat offenders you talk of.
sometimes i need a kind word, sometimes a kick up the ass.
some people manage to get themselves into a certain mind set & are very determined, others are not.
i was very determined when i started CD & went on to lose just short of 6st,but then food was re introduced, unfortunatly not thru management.
Dieting/ healthy eating will allways be part of my life, till the day i die, i don't ever imagine i will be able to not have to think how food affects me.
I am a Cancerian & emotions rule me, hence i am a comfort eater, i don't smoke, drink (rarelly) or do drugs, so at times of stress,upset etc it is food i turn to, i just can't control how much i eat.
I am human & humans do err at times, but untill i stop trying i am NOT a failure.
xx

 

[KD]

This has been mentioned a few times in the past, and I've come to the conclusion that 'the hard talk' doesn't really work on a forum...well not unless you have got to know the person you are replying to. Even then it's a big dodgy

Having a hard core WW leader is a different kettle of fish. She is seeing you, watching your body language, working out how far she can go, or whether she's gone too far. She can drag you back and explain what she means. That's impossible on a forum. We can only guess.

I will stick my neck out here (hey, what's new and suggest that the hard core WW leader may well be responsible for getting a person to target, but might also be partly responsible for why they couldn't maintain their weight without her.

 

[Starlight]

Some good points raised. I can see both sides of the argument. If someone has fallen off the wagon is telling them to get a grip & stop cheating going to help? Chances are they feel bad enough about it already, do they really need to hear us telling them theyre never going to lose weight without sticking to the diet? On the other hand, I can totally see what youre saying about perhaps not doing any favours.

But ultimately if theyve had one slip up and are trying to refocus maybe its best we encourage them to 'write off' that one day and not let one day become a bad week, become 2 bad weeks.

Its a hard call. Ultimately we ARE all doing this for ourselves though and no matter what support/encouragement we give it will never be successful if we dont work at it.

 

[nixx]

I think you've hit the nail on the head, Sweetpea. The ones who don't blip, don't post, because they don't need to.

I agree with the thing about empathy, Tubs, but don't agree that "oooh, you're at it again, never mind, you'll soon sort it out" is empathy.

 

[KD]

I think you've hit the nail on the head, Sweetpea. The ones who don't blip, don't post, because they don't need to.

Not entirely true. In fact some people don't post when they do blip, because they are too busy giving themselves a hard time, feeling useless, unworthy of friendship and feeling that nobody would understand anyway

I hear many more posts from people who say "I kept away because I was ashamed" that "I kept away because I'm doing really well"

 

[Starlight]

I think you've hit the nail on the head, Sweetpea. The ones who don't blip, don't post, because they don't need to.

Totally disagree! I dont blip - ever! But I couldnt do it without the support here

 

[pandora]

Not entirely true. In fact some people don't post when they do blip, because they are too busy giving themselves a hard time, feeling useless, unworthy of friendship and feeling that nobody would understand anyway

I hear many more posts from people who say "I kept away because I was ashamed" that "I kept away because I'm doing really well"

yep, thats me

 

[nails]

No Marie, you're not the only person to feel offended.
Tbh it's made me feel quite sick reading this and upset as well, as I'm someone who 'cheats' and has 'nights out', and the thought that someone's reading my post and thinking get a grip is obviously upsetting, ofcourse we all put ourselves in a vunerable position posting on an open forum.
The support on here has been fantastic and I think starting a post like this was going to bring out strong emotions in people. Also you don't know what's going on in peoples lives as to why they've 'cheated' or continue to 'cheat'.
To say 'I don't want to offend anyone' ??? Ofcourse you was going to offend people and make them feel really **** about themselves, so well done nixx, you've even made me think twice about posting on here now.