I know I'm a newbie, but anyone online to help? personel?

[big bear]

*blushes* i just wanted to help really. It can be hard as a mother to make descions like these, i supposed i just wanted to give hope that things can work out, even if it gets to complete breaking point.

am hoping no one thinks any less of the person i am today for what iv just shared with you all!

Don't be silly no one thinks any less of you, hope ur ok XX

 

[gl12282]

I made the decision this afternoon to go to the police station and report her theft.

So I came to realise that I am not the one in the wrong here, I have been wronged and my daughter has committed a crime against the one person that has been loyal to her all her life. It pains me even more to have to take this action, but I have to stop her ruining my life and hers.

I am sure you have done the right thing. It won't be pleasant or easy and I don't think that things will be markedly better for you in the short (or maybe even medium term) but I think that it is important that you have some control in this from now on. She is now an adult and is now going to have to face up to the consequences of her actions. She may deserve it but it's a hard lesson that she needs to learn.

I hope that you can see that you have done the only thing that you could under the circumstances and that eventually she may be able to change for the better.

And Fern - what a brave posting. I certainly don't think any less of you and if anything, think more of you for being able to admit openly to your experiences and actions in order to help someone else. And that is a lot of what this whole forum is about (in lots of different ways)

Big hugs.

Gail x

 

[Starlight]

I would not ask for advice from the police - they have a specific job to do and you might not like the way they do it.

.

You CAN ask for advice which is why I suggested going into an office. If you go into a police office and seek advice they are not going to force you to press charges or report a crime. They will offer you advice and let you know the possible outcomes...

 

[fillymum]

*blushes* i just wanted to help really. It can be hard as a mother to make descions like these, i supposed i just wanted to give hope that things can work out, even if it gets to complete breaking point.

am hoping no one thinks any less of the person i am today for what iv just shared with you all!

I am now doubly full of admiration for you and a little in awe of the person you have become.
Your honesty here is something not just brave but refreshing as well.
Why am I doubly impressed with you....... the tenacity and determination you have shown with your SW diet, to become a finalist in YSOTY shows what you are made of.
Your baby is one lucky baby to have you as a mum xxxx.

Fern,
Thank you very much indeed for being so honest and open about your past.

I am truly overwhelmed and touched by everyones response, some of which are very long and obviously took a lot of time and thought to write, thank you all again.

I made the decision this afternoon to go to the police station and report her theft. After much thought and deliberation I felt that I had no other option, I simply cannot let her get away with it again, after constantly forgiving her for over 6 years. What has also helped my decision is that her girlfriend has been posting pictures of them both on facebook, cosying up together, laughing, pulling silly faces........not a care in the world. My world however, has been turned upside down, my heart broken (again) and I feel sick to the bottom of my stomach. The betrayal, lies and thieving has got to stop. As I am sure we all do, we forgive our families for some of the most horrendous treatment, if it was anyone else or a friend, we would probably have them prosecuted and them cut all ties. So I came to realise that I am not the one in the wrong here, I have been wronged and my daughter has committed a crime against the one person that has been loyal to her all her life. It pains me even more to have to take this action, but I have to stop her ruining my life and hers.

Once again, thank you to everyone for their advice, blunt, to the point, or otherwise, it is greatly appreciated. A big thank you for all your hugs too xx

I wish you all the luck in the world, you deserve it.
You have given your daughter every chance to turn her behaviour around and she hasn't. You are doing the best possible thing for all concerned.
I hope that horrible tummy churning soon disappears.
Always be confident that what you have done is the right thing for her.

You CAN ask for advice which is why I suggested going into an office. If you go into a police office and seek advice they are not going to force you to press charges or report a crime. They will offer you advice and let you know the possible outcomes...

That is good to know. Sometimes homespun advice can be given with the best of intentions but be horribly wrong.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

If you do go to the police I would get the locks changed at the same time. It's likely that when she finds out what you've done, she'll be very angry and looking for some sort of 'payback'.

I always think it's better to be prepared for the worst than taken by surprise!

 

[lazorinie]

Another personal experience:

My step brother started stealing from us when he was about 16. He would steal mobile phones, camera's, game consoles and games. And also hundreads of £'s of money.

My stepdad took away his house keys, and wasnt aloud in the house on his own.
My stepdad also reported him and got him arrested everytime he stole something.

This went on for a few years, he would get a job but often wouldnt turn in and would end up getting fired.

After more bad behaviour, smoking canabis which made him even more lazy and paranoid. My stepdad paid the deposit and 1 month rent for a bedsit and my stepbrother was asked to leave.

He had to get a job and keep it to keep himself off the streets. He quit the drugs as he had no money to pay for them. He also ditched the 'friends' he hung about with so there wasnt as much pressure on him to do drugs.

He's now 24 has a GF who have a house together and are expecting a baby.

Im not saying this is what you should do, just thought i'd let you know what happened in my family's situation.

I hope you manage to get things sorted

xx

 

[RegField]

You CAN ask for advice which is why I suggested going into an office. If you go into a police office and seek advice they are not going to force you to press charges or report a crime. They will offer you advice and let you know the possible outcomes...

I was only going by my own bad experience, but maybe I was just unlucky. Anyway i have now removed the advice I gave and would everyone please ignore it if you have read it.

 

[rowanx2]

good luck hun, cant have been an easy desician to come to xxx

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

so glad you did what you needed too. Massive hugs to you, these next few weeks will break your heart, even though you didnt think you could feel much worse. Just remember it should never be you feeling the guilt.. do not let her bully you.

Lots of massive loves to you.. and thanks to the other girls here who supported my choice to open up to you all xxx

 

[fillymum]

How are you doing ??? Thinking of you,

hugs xxx

 

[alwyn]

I've only just read this thread, and I think you've done the right thing in shopping her. She has shown time and again that she doesn't respect you.

And Fern, massive hugs to you. You're a better person having been shaped by your experiences. You're not that person any more and you'll be a wonderful wife and mum xxx

 

[Anne2705]

omg thats awful what a dilemma its your daughter but at the end of the day its stealing and if she gets away with it ... may try it again hugs for you x

 

[mastiffmum]

Well, just thought I would give an update as to what is happening................The police came round on Thursday evening and called my daughter on her mobile whilst here. Basically he told her she was in trouble for stealing and fraud and that she had to report to our local police station on saturday evening at 9pm when he was next on duty. She said she wasn't in the area but would be able to make it that night.

Anyway, I text the policeman on saturday/sunday at about 1am asking if she had turned up and he txt back to say she was not able to make it and he would fill me in on thursday when he was next on duty. So I gather from that, that she had phoned and made some excuse for not reporting. But when I checked on facebook, there was a comment from her girlfriend about her falling asleep, so I don't think she had any intention of coming back and was staying 200 miles away.

I had a really nice evening with my husband and parents as it was their anniverssary ( 45 years!!!!!) And then came home and went on a real downer as I was so dissappointed that she didn't turn up and face the music.

I am still feeling really crap to be honest and will not be going to my temping job this week (again) as I really can't get my head straight. My husband is being very supportive and told me not to work until I feel ready for it. He is such an angel X

I never thought I would say this.... but I am ashamed of my daughter and her behaviour, I wish things would be 'normal' so I can also feel 'normal'.

Thanks again to everyone for their wise words and support, it is really appreciated
X X X X

 

[Jennyonaplate]

She will have to face up to it at some point, she won't be able to stay away forever as the police will put out a warrant for her arrest if she doesn't attend voluntarily (as far as I understand anyway).

Have you ever asked your doctor for counselling - It might just help to have an impartial ear to off-load on, who can help to deal with the feelings that you're having at the moment. I recommend it to anyone who is having a tough time emotionally, we don't have to battle on with things on our own. I understand why you feel ashamed, but it's not you who should be feeling shame, it's your daughter. You have done nothing but be patient and forgiving and given her chance over chance, nobody could ask more of you!!

 

[mastiffmum]

We had 18 months of counselling when she was 13/14 and to be honest I don't think it has done one iota of good.

All I can say is that my head is soooo f****d up at the moment I dont know whether I am coming or going. What doesn't help is that hubby is going away in the morning for work and won't be back until friday evening. I am trying to 'hang in there' but I am slowly turning into an alcoholic!

 

[Jennyonaplate]

Give yourself a little project to focus on while hubby is away, be it clearing out the cuboards, doing some sewing - anything to keep you focused on something else rather than your daughter.

You say 'we' had counselling, have you had any individual counselling at all?

 

[mastiffmum]

No, I didn't have individual counselling, it was done as a family, then mainly me & daughter as hubby was working away a lot of the time.

I thought we had got somewhere, but obviously not.......

I have issues of my own to be honest...... I technically died 20 months ago during a routine operation.......it still messes with my head and I have been on anti-anxiety medication since, I went on them because I was having such bad dreams about losing those that are closest to me.

 

[Jennyonaplate]

It might be worth asking for some counselling for yourself. I've had some, and a number of my friends have too for different reasons, and in every case it has helped. It sounds like you've got an awful lot to be dealing with anyway, let alone with all the drama from your daughter.

Remember you don't have to cope on your own, there's always someone on here to listen and help if they can.

 

[Kater-tater]

Have just read through this whole thread, and wanted to find out how you are doing?
Obviously i am not talking from experiance as others on this thread, but i still live at home and am very close to my mum. If i ever stole from her, not that i would, once could be forgiven, twice cannot.
I cant tell you how pleased i am that you shopped her. I really think you should change your locks to.
Just do it, you made the first step and you can go all the way with this. You need to focus on you. You seem like a lovely, caring, patient person, who deserves more. Lock her out, pack her bags and let her go live with her girlfriend. If you are not giving her money, she will HAVE to sort herself out. otherwise she will go further downhill and steal from others. Either way it will be out of your hands. If she steals from others then im really sorry to say she belongs in prison. Its not nice, and i know you must love her deeply. But she is not your responsibility. I still live at home and get money from my parents and i am so greatfull for that. I know if they chucked me out my only option would to be to get off my arse and fend for myself. Give her the push she needs to get on with life, or to carry on wasting it. Either way she is out of your hair and you can focus on you, which it really sounds like you need to do.
My thoughts are with you xx

 

[Littleslimmingbee]

step away from the wine honey! tis the last thing you need.

your daughter will have to face the music at some point- but shes not your problem at the moment. . shes being dealt with the police now.
You focus on you now. get a bath, have a take away ) x