Hey Misdee. I think I'm not the only person in the world who understands how you are feeling at the moment. Sometimes, binges come and bite you on the bum without you even realising it. When this happens to me, I feel guilty, disgusting, stupid, bla bla bla, insert your own word here - it's just a horrid horrid feeling.
I sometimes feel so jealous of 'normal people' who don't have to deal with the constant 'white noise' of 'eat this, i want this, i won't let myself eat this, oh yes i will, shove it down, eat more more more, stop it, no I'm not going to stop it, eat eat eat eat EAT', that I have to listen to when it gets difficult.
I think that when your head is making these noises, it's really hard not to listen to them. After all, I'm 27, food has been my friend, my companion, my comforter, for years and years!
The point I'm at now, is that sometimes, I win, and sometimes I don't. When I win, it is by taking myself out of the food situation, even for a second . Then I have a think about what it is that is making me want to eat so badly. (so, for example, at work. Can't leave work. Would get sacked. But I can go to the toilet and take a few deep breaths and think about what it is that is making me want to eat so badly). A lot of the time, the reasons are things I can't do anything about. Sometimes they are, and so I do something about it. But often I am left having to think 'X is not worth getting fatter for' and trying to do something else. The days I win, I feel a lot better about myself the next day than I do on the days I don't win.
This is a learning process. You didn't get fat overnight, and you won't learn how to be slim overnight. But you DO deserve to get there in the end, and I hope that you will.
D x
P.S. Sorry if you now think I'm a nutter, if you do, please don't judge!!!