I've hit my self destruct button

[chele80]

in a big way

Since Xmas I've fallen off the wagon several times, but always managed to get back on and persevere.

You might have read my post on low progesterone and after having far too many dizzy spells and near blackouts, yesterday, after advise from my CDC to move to SS+ for a few days until CD get back to her, I ate a pizza last night.

Booooom!
Destruct button pressed.

All yesterday I was torturing myself (I think the whispers from DH didn't help) with the idea of the pizza and eventually decided at 6pm to have one. That was it, the deed was already done in my head. I didn't have it until 8.30pm so could have changed my mind several times, but with me, once I get an idea in my head it sticks and I just can't shift it.

I woke up feeling proper pants in and suffering from a major carbover, and decided to climb back aboard the wagon. Well I've had a sad face on me all day and I don't know why. I then spent the whole afternoon justifying eating tonight.

Long story short, I haven't, I've had my shake and been 100% SS+ all day.

But I just don't know what to do any more.

I've given myself 7 weeks until my LO's 1st birthday, my birthday and a few days in Paris to lose as much as possible and get as close to target as possible.

But I am just not sure what's going on. My heart is in it Monday - Friday, then Saturday it just all goes to pot and keeps happening.

I can SS in the week like the best SSer ever. I never ever ever fall of the wagon in the week.

I feel like I'm just stuck in a rut
Is it because it's just been so long doing CD?
Is it because I am at a comfortable weight?
Is it because I feel better at this weight?
Is it because the end is still so far away?

I feel like I've totally lost any understanding of food. I am absolutely petrified of going to back to "normal" eating. I know it's a way off yet and I keep telling myself that if I just stopped CD now without moving up the stages, then the weight will pile back on, which it will. That and many other thoughts (the rapid weight loss, the fact I want to be a CDC and so HAVE to finish, the fact that WW and SW make me cheat etc etc) make me know I will have to finish CD.

But why do I self destruct nearly every weekend so far this year?!

Sorry to rant. I just need to vent

 

[determinator]

hun I dont have much advise as I could hae written this whole post myself !!! i have not had 1 100 % day all week this week and just dont know how to get back on track !!!
I seem to have the same problem every time I get close to the next stone down bracket ...when I got to 13,2 .. I messed around and it took me ages to get to the 12s.. and when I did I flew along until I was nearing the 11s .. then boom I messed about again .. now I was 11,2 last week .. so close to the 10s ( eeeeek) and now I have eaten all week and more like 11,8 now :cry:

I am not sure what happens , I am aware its totally in my head ..... but I am struggling this week big time

so sorry I dont have any adise but hope someone can help you ( and me too !!!!)

 

[enlightenme2]

Hey Hon, I feel your pain. I have basically the same amount of weight left to lose and have maintained it for the past 8-9 months. I do great during the week like you, and then bam! friday night hits, a glass of wine, two glasses... great food and I don't emerge until Monday morning saying it's the last time. I see my cdc every three weeks, so long story short - I pledged to be 100% for 21 days (no matter what, food was going to exist when I emerged), then treat myself to a steak. Last weekend was sheer hell, but I trudged along, this weekend just flew by...

I think I got over the hump, it's taken 12 days to do it. I've got 9 days left until I see my cdc, but you know what? I'm feeling so good, with any luck, I might not even treat myself to a steak, I'll just wait it out another 21 days.

Long story short, you're close to goal, you're looking good, fitting in nice clothes, but you know what? you're not THERE yet... and I tell myself when I get there... the pressure will be on to maintain myself there because it's a neverending fight. So take it little bits at a time, for me it's 21 days - find your magical number and push through this. You CAN do it!

 

[great things]

i think it is true that the closer you are to goal and the more 'normal' you look the chances of taking time out of the diet is greater. i've had a rough time since trying to get back on plan after xmas time out. the problem with me being i wanted to live xmas over and over again cause my mum was in hospital and we never had a proper xmas day. my cdc highlighted this prob for me and it did twig in my brain. we had our xmas yesterday so no more excuses. i fear the scales though and that is what keeps me going each week, the fear of failure by putting on. i hate putting on.

i've decided that my weight is ok now and i want to break down my diet walls and eat but this is what made me fat in the first place. my new life needs to revolve around watching my weight and my eating and having certain 'treats' in moderation and not excess like i used to. at goal is where the hard work begins.

don't give yourself a hard time about the pizza even the most 'perfect' (like me ) of us all has a breakdown and pizza attack at times. you had the pizza, you enjoyed the pizza (?), you are now back 100% ss. now focus on how many days it is to your child's 1st birthday, your birthday and your days in paris. these are now your markers. think how wonderful it will be to look stunning in paris and healthier, fitter and have the true paris feeling of being truly 'sexy'!

 

[great things]

Long story short, you're close to goal, you're looking good, fitting in nice clothes, but you know what? you're not THERE yet... and I tell myself when I get there... the pressure will be on to maintain myself there because it's a neverending fight. So take it little bits at a time, for me it's 21 days - find your magical number and push through this. You CAN do it!

such a true word/paragraph!

 

[chele80]

YES!
I am not there yet. My head thinks it is

After I wrote this I went and got changed. I looked in the mirror and although the changes are immense, I'm still not where I want to be

I've got my Monday head back on now. I'm over the weekend and know I have a 100% week ahead of me
I'll stress again Friday night but you're all right.

I mean, come on, 7 weeks is nothing. Nothing!
I look back at what I've achieved and still can't believe they are my numbers. It's all a blur, it went so quick
And the next 7 weeks will fly by

I will be slinky by Paris

7 weeks?! You're mine!!!

 

[Goreygirl]

I think some of it is because we have been so used to using food as a source of stress relief and away of avoiding certain discomforts (in our relationships, in our jobs, with our friendships etc) that when these things start knocking on the mental door again the default is to turn to food.

IMHO the question we have to ask ourselves are:

- Do we want to continue using food in this way and just accept that we will always have this uncomfortable but comfortable relationship with food and our bodies (uncomfortable because we know deep down it's not right but comfortable because up until now it's worked .. or has seemed to..)

Do we want to finally start working our way through the underlying factors... learn how to recognise our emotions, process them and deal with them rather than suppressing them with food because we may be afraid of what we may discover/happen if we open pandora's box?

 

[great things]

i think it's a hard question as it means totally re-wiring your brain from what you've been used to x number of years and that is why it is so easy to fall back to 'old faithful'. i personally think that i'll struggle with it for the rest of my life like an alcoholic but if i live good 99% of the time and i exercise then maybe a 1% struggle isn't too bad as long as i am accountable for my weight, health and life. i can't let my weight 'get me' like it has done in the past. i need to crack it. i need to start listening to my body and eat when i'm hungry not because it's time or i feel stressed.

my view point gg

 

[chele80]

For me I know my biggest hurdle is listening to my bodys hunger signs
A few years ago I did Paul McKenna's I can make you thin. I didn't change what I ate just listened to my hunger signals and I lost nearly a stone, so I'm def going to give that one a go again

Was I hungry on Saturday? No, of course not. Was I hungry at any point yesterday? No.
I know it's all in my head. I need to start thinking like a naturally slim person

The good news is I got my Monday head back on around 8pm last night and today am full of PMA. It's just 49 more days to lose as much as poss before I take a little time off to come back before Easter and finish it. During my time I'm off I'm going to give the above a good go and listen to my hunger signals

 

[Goreygirl]

Great to hear you are back feeling positive

 

[chele80]

I am, I am, I am

And have finally been persuaded to discuss becoming a CDC with my CDC this week as another aim to help me get to the end (she doesn't know yet as I've not mentioned it yet)

You'd make a fab CDC Gg!

 

[Mrs Taurus]

When I got down to 13.4 in my eyes I didn't look bad, could get clothes easily and was really comfortable in my own skin......I never did finish my journey to a healthy BMI at 12st, instead I slipped back into old habits and hey presto before you could say yo-yo dieter I was no longer comfortable with my weight, so got in the vicious circle of eating to forget then end up feeling worse and getting heavier. Then in September when I had promised to get back on the wagon had a tricky time so as was already used to eating to cheer myself up again I just used food as my comfort. Then by new year I was weighing a whopping 18.8(although cdc'd weigh 3 pound lighter).

The moral of the story is please don't do what I did to myself, it sadly is much easier to regain the weight and fall back into old habits , but that leads for most of us to self-loathing which is the pits.

Good luck all x

 

[Chelsea Lou]

Hi, just wanted to share my experience. I got to within 10lbs of my goal weight in 2009, then panic set in and I self-sabotaged. I was scared of success almost as much as I was of failure. Bizarre I know but for years I had hidden behind my weight, using it as an excuse for all sorts of reasons, mainly that I couldn't attract a man that would want to take me out/be with me etc. Suddenly I started to get lots of attention from men, compliments etc but still no-one asked me out on a date and the realisation that I might just not be fanciable hit me and BAM, chocolate binges......the works.

Sometimes we hide behind our weight for all sorts of reasons. We bury our truths in a mass of food rather than face up to the real reasons behind our problems. I know I did and it was so painful. I'd also given up smoking and also on CD not drinking, so I had no means of escaping - it got so bad that I resorted to the binges to make the pain go away.

After several failed attempts to re-start CD I am now on day 23 SS+ and feel strong and determined to see it through to the end. I am posting, along with a bunch of former 2009ers who have come back, on the Maintenance forum, as we all got to know each other on there before and someone recommended the Beck Diet Solution book, which we've all bought and I am finding it really helpful with all the head stuff.

I really hope you manage to get through your struggles and wish you lots of luck

 

[chele80]

Thanks MrsT and Chelsea Lou, your experiences have really resonated with me so thanks for sharing
I know the same would happen to me if I don't continue.

I've got to put all those feelings behind me and put those thoughts into a more positive viewpoint and try and have a little faith in myself

Good luck ladies x

 

[Chelsea Lou]

Thanks MrsT and Chelsea Lou, your experiences have really resonated with me so thanks for sharing
I know the same would happen to me if I don't continue.

I've got to put all those feelings behind me and put those thoughts into a more positive viewpoint and try and have a little faith in myself

Good luck ladies x

We are our own worst enemies sometimes aren't we?

Looking at your losses, you have done so brilliantly and should be very proud of yourself. It gets harder once we start to feel normal, so don't be too hard on yourself. I'm sure you have still got your eye on the prize so to speak and you will get there hon.

Onwards and upwards (downwards really, weight-wise) x