Jessica Rabbit72's diary 4/1/10 - 7/2/10 now closed.

[Jessica Rabbit72]

Hey everyone just to say thanks so much or the support and advice again.

Have only got two mins at mo but weekend was vwery up and down and my head all over the place.

will be around more tomorrow - hope you are all okay and Alli - will look up that book ta

love
jess
xxx

 

[curlywurly1234]

Hey Jess.
Big hugs hon..... Hope your ok..........
take care xxx

 

[Bess]

Alli and Katy's posts are amazing. Thinking of you Jess. Good not to rush into anything. xx

 

[Katycakes]

Hope you are hanging on in there honey, thinking of you and sending hugs.

xxx

 

[curlywurly1234]

Hey Jess......
Dont disappear hope everything is ok........... pop along and let us know all is ok hon ..
we miss you xxxxxxx

 

[Bess]

Hope you are ok Jess, just saying 'hi' and sending a hug. x

 

[Wales]

Hey Jess. Just caught up on threads and saw this. So sorry to hear that you are going through this at the moment, no wise words am afraid - just take care of you x

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

DAY 1 RESTART!!!!!!!!!!

MONDAY 25th JANUARY 2010
Day 1
WEIGHT = 14st 8.8
CHANGE = 0lbs
MOOD = very nervous !!!!!

Hey everyone - sorry for going awol again head has been all over the place due to relationship issues. Have been lurking but also eating and considering 4th Jan was my restart have put on 5lbs in 3wks which Im not happy about and every day I think Yes I will restart today - I start off ok and then its sabotaged cos I feel so crap about relationship etc.

I have made a decision this morning that I need to tell HB when he comes home at lunchtime that we need to have a no holds barred conversation and it is over as far as Im concerned and I am here for the children but if he can see a way of sorting it out then Im all ears.

We havent managed to get to relate yet - they phoned last week as they had a cancellation but it was too short notice and we had no childcare. He asked me if I still wanted to go and I said yes, but I havent been as open or honest as I could be with him as I didnt want him to see red and storm out and not have a proper discussion as he usually does, but also it was DDs birthday on Friday and I wanted her to have a nice birthday weekend.

I am willing to go to relate but I just dont think he will be able to change as he does say to me - well Im near enough a perfect husband! - which in the old traditional sense he is - but he works too many hours, doesnt prioritise family time above work
and as much as I have a comfortable lifestyle due to my work aswell Im not happy and I dont think he will ever understand. Its not an equal relationship and I have to take responsibility for everything as he is 'too busy' working.

Its HBs brithday on Friday and I was going to leave all of this till after the party next sun but I cant carry on like this pretending everything is fine. I think he knows deep down but neither of us is saying.

Im hoping beyond all hope that he can be adult about it and make it as amicable as can be for the childrens sake, but I dont think he will be. Fingers crossed eh!

Im having a restart today as my weight is moving nicely, but sadly in the wrong direction so need to make a halt now!

I have ordered supplies so hopefully they will come soon.

Hope you all having good days and sorry havent written on any of your diaries ( I have been reading them though) but havent been in a good place to and didnt want to drag anyone down.

Thankyou again for all the support and the messages it means so much
xxxxx

 

[Katycakes]

Big, big hugs lovely Jess and so sorry you are having such a sh***y time. Glad to see you back, remember minis can be a lifeline in all sorts of ways... we are here for you hun.

xxx

 

[*butterfly*]

Thinking of you Jess, hope it goes ok and you amnage to have an amicable talk about things. Must be difficult for you to keep juggling everything when you have felt this way. Impressed at your determination with weight, despite everything thats happenning. Sending big hugs xx

 

[Bess]

Hugs from me too Jess. xx

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

Wednesday 27th JANUARY 2010
Day 1
WEIGHT = 14st 10.6
CHANGE = 0lbs
MOOD = tired but okay

Hey everyone,

Im back and back on track - its day 1 of the restart today and Julie is doing it with me aswell which always helps and keeps me on track . we always do when we diet together, but the difference this time is she is lighter than me and she knows that the competitive streak in me comes out when that happens.

I also read somewhere on the boards that it took KD 3 times to get to goal and Im hoping that this is going to be 3rd time lucky for me.

Have just come back from the GP and she has signed me off for another month so at least I know that I can focus totally on me and getting better, but also my head round the diet aswell without work affecting it.

I did have the 'conversation' with HB and lets just say it didnt go exactly as planned in that he reacted alot better than I thought he would but the main thing that came out of it were he loves me, hes not here for the sake of the children and wants us to stay in the house as a family and he doesnt think about the debt anymore and its not a problem.

He has agreed to go to relate and I am going to my own counsellor aswell who is really good and we have agreed that we will try and make it work and I will see how it goes over the next few months as he keeps telling me at the moment that he is helping round the house but once grass cutting season starts he wont be able to help at all - which is really stressing me out as I keep thinking about how will I cope and will I end up being off work again.

Thankyou all so much for the support on here I am grateful and heres to me and Julie getting to our goals!

Ju I hope you are okay and managing ok this morning.

Right Im off to have my shake - will be back later
xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Big hugs Jess, am so glad there was hope in that difficult heart-to-heart, and love... because you can build from there, really you can.
OH & I were at rock bottom once, years ago when kids were both tiny, and went to loch so kids could throw stones in, which would keep them occupied for hours, so we could talk in peace about how to break things up. On way there we passed three fire engines, coming back from a fire, someone waved car down and told us that good friends of ours had had a house fire. We turned around and drove out there.
Their beautiful house was gutted, roof gone, windows gone, blackened, dog & cat gone. Friend came out of house in tears, his face black with soot, crying... tried to clean his specs to see and had to wash them in a puddle they were so black. His wife & 4 children all in hospital with smoke inhalation, he had refused to go.
We forgot the 'important' conversation we'd been about to have because that crisis was bigger than it. We helped them over next days/weeks and the year they lived in a caravan while house was rebuilt. If we hit a rough patch now we look back at that... it put everything in perspective. We came so close to letting it all go, but there have been so many happy times since.
We are not perfect. Nobody is. But if there is love, it has to be worth another try.
Thinking of you Jess.

xxx

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

you have made me cry!!!!!! the thought of that poor family having to go through that!!!

and do you know what you are so right. I think its so easy to talk yourself into something or out of something its frightening.

When I saw the counsellor yesterday she commented on how different I was because last week she had seen a woman who was adamant her mind was made up that it was definitely over and yesterday she saw a woman who wanted to work things out - what had changed -

COMMUNICATION and now looking back on it its not that now is all rosy and wonderful, but like you say I do think that there is love there but its the classic line we use for children of
I will always love you I just dont like you at the moment.

and with all the stresses and strains of everyday life getting in the way its so easy to keep having the negative thoughts and then they become more persistent and then you convince yourself thats how you feel when actually its not you just want things to be how they used to be.

The other thing with human nature is also that everyone always thinks that they are right and I suppose in some ways its a bit unfair on HB as I expect him to do everything my way and get annoyed when it doesnt happen - but as Alli said it is a bit of give and take.

Im really looking forward to going to relate and Im really hoping they give us some good advice and we can put it into practice.

Have had one shake and need to get some water down me now.

Hope you are haing a good day
xxx

 

[Katycakes]

Better day today, on track as fear of weigh in is looming... CDC should be here any minute. Yikes.

I think you are on the right track honey, it isn't easy... especially at this stage with small children... but there is a way though it. Your counsellor sounds fab. Big hugs Jess and try to hang on to the positive thoughts, one day at a time!

xxx

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

thanks and good luck with your WI will see how you gwet on later
xxx

 

[Bess]

Oh Jess, I'm so glad that you were able to talk to your OH and that things don't look so bleak today. I hope that the conselllors will be helpful for you both.

Katy's tale moved me to tears too, but she's right, things like this do put our troubles in perspective, help us to see the bigger picture and realise what really matters....Your family is worth having a really good go at trying to save it and I admire you for what you are doing, it can't be easy when you are feeling stessed, ill and worried. xx

 

[Jessica Rabbit72]

thanks bess x

Mums eh - youve gotta love em - why is it you feel all sorted then they say things that put the cat among the pigeons.

With one thing and another I havent managed to speak to my mum at length in private to update her for the last two weeks so have just done so over the phone and she said she is glad that Im seeking professional help, but I had to really think long and hard about how I feel because its ok HB offering to help etc and all the practical things to be sorted, but is it really going to make me happy long term and was I thinking of leaving because it was my defence to him threatening it at xmas.

She also said that after the big blow up I have punished myself alot i.e. not sleeping, headaches eating etc so is it what I really want to be with him and I shouldnt just focus on the practicalities as I am a very good logician!!! (love that word) and I always let logic take over and never really fight for how I feel and acknowlege how I feel and compromise what I want to make others happy. And even though I have told HB how I felt on Monday I didnt tell him everything in that I didnt tell him I was thinking it was over and why is that - whay wasnt I totally honest with him.

The answer to that is I dont know I just physically couldnt bring myself to say it.

So here I was feeling semi-sorted and now Im all in a tizz again as I was thinking about Katy's post again thinking that yes life is too precious and short to stay in a relationship that may not ultimately make me happy and there is someone out there who can make me happy.

BUg**R BUg**R BUg**R!

But Im not going to succumb to food to get rid of all the horrible feelings that has now churned up.
xxx

 

[Bess]

You need time Jess, to reflect, not to think at all (if possible) and not to rush into any decisions. You don't have to make any now, can you just let things be for a while and see how things are in a few weeks? It's very difficult when people prenent you with different options or their opinions and stir it all up again, but there's really no rush is there? See if you can let it all go for today and try to relax. (I know how hard that might be.) xx

 

[*butterfly*]

Big hugs hun. Couldn't possibly add to the wonderful supportive posts of Katy and Bess, but just wanted to let you know that i am thinking of you. It may not turn around quickly, but i'm pleased you've come to a point where you are working together to try, its a starting point. Its took me forever, and i still have to make the effort, to realise that my OH has his ways and faults, just as i do, and its unfair to expect that my he can engulf all of my ideals of what he should be like. Thats not to say i don't expect a certain amount of negotiation!
Well done on getting back on the dieting wagon, wish you every sucess...here for you along the way xx