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Just so hard.. need more help! (long..sorry)

Writing this to let you know what's been happening and as a cathartic exercise to get it all off my chest!

As many of you know I've been struggling for a while.. felt better on Fri / sat as i had a confidence / esteem boost having been offered a job.. great..

Then of course normality hit back in and I had to admit to myself that I had binged and vomited every night for a week.. did I even admit to you that we got a Chinese takeaway on Fri to celebrate my success.. we got it with the sole purpose of vomiting it afterwards.. how sad is THAT!!!??

Crisis point arrived and I did some research on the net for help.. I emailed an eating problem group and spoke to the counsellor on the phone on Sunday. I'd also talked to my LLC in the week and they both said I need help with my problem before it escalates..

I ended up rowing with DH as he says I make an issue out of everything.. but I think it has more to do with the money and the way it is affecting him too.. (feel bad that he had never binged and vomited either until this week) Only just spoken again this avo..

Yesterday i'd just had enough.. enough of the packs, of feeling a failure, of wanting something so bad that I purged to maintain it.. so I ate.. I decided to just eat protein and did so.. not much all day I hasten to add .. I didnt need much but I DIDN'T BINGE for the first time in over a week.. I also went to bed at 1930 exhausted from it all.. ( TOTM arrived this morning too so that was prob why)

Anyway.. I made an appointment to see my GP today whom is referring me to see an eating disorder clinic counsellor asap.. She was very supportive and reassuring that I had taken a very important and brave step..

So.. today.. so far I've just had pack 3.. am feeling full but am locked away in the study whilst DH feeds the kids.. its around this time and later I usually succumb but I so want to be 100% today.. I'm also wondering if PMT had anything to do with last week..

I'll let you know how I get on tonight and keep you posted with the counsellor etc.

And Lighterlife? well I still want to lose this flab.. who doesn't but will do as my counsellor suggests if it is logical to me.. hoping I can find a way to continue anyway.. If my spec. counselling costs I shall switch to CD..

It does make me wonder how many of us that get to this stage of VLCD are here because we have deep seated problems that manifest as overeating in one form or another and whether we should all have specialist counselling.. what do you think?

How do those of you whom have MADE IT? were you tempted>? Is it just part and package of abstention?

Sorry to go on...
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Busy busy busy!!
S: 15st3lb C: 13st11lb G: 10st0lb BMI: 33.1 Loss: 1st6lb(9.39%)
I don't have any answers - but so glad you've contacted your GP and you are going to see someone for help.

Take care and ((HUGS))


Silver Member
I'm the same as Bev, I really am glad that you've seen your doctor and are now going to see a specialist (((hugs))) how have you been pre totm before now?

Hi Jan,

I Hope you are starting to feel a little better now that you have shared where your are at? As we all know any diet or health regime can be a real struggle at times, especially if like most of us there is a history attached to our eating in the first place.

Perhaps for some of us it is an obvious problem, for others the light bulb gradually clicks on over time. That said, we are all individuals and have to be in the right place to deal with issues.

It's the best step firstly being honest with yourself, and then others. I hope the GP, counselling and support groups will help you on your journey to work this out. None of us want to fail at this, but sometimes we have to accept that this particular route is not the one for us or perhaps it's not the right time.

By the same token, beacuse you have had a few slips along the way does not mean you haven't achieved or won't achieve. (however I can also relate to feeling like crap despite trying to focus on the positives! :sigh:

I hope may ramble has made sense and you know I am really rooting for you

Take Care :vibes:

Sam xx
S: 14st6lb C: 14st6lb G: 9st3lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
Hey Jan

I agree with everything soon be slim has said. I also completely and utterly understand your issues.I have developed all sorts of eating disorders binging/vomiting one of them and I can't tell you how scared it has made me. Reading YOUR post gave ME the courage to talk to someone about it though and I am awaiting a referral for special councelling also.

The weird thing is though I am worse during TOTM and can cope much better at other times.

I think you have totally done the right thing by speaking to your GP & getting help. In doing that you have proved you are not a failure you are committed to getting yourself better. Someone on here said to me during one of my "episodes" that as we in the past used food to cover up our issues and problems, taking that comfort blanket away is going to leave us raw & open to our problems and we are being forced to face them and deal with them - it aint easy going through that at all.

Please keep logging in jan & if there is anything I can do please just ask - feel free to email me or PM me anytime I really really mean that - I understand and I am here for you.

I know what you are going through Jan - I was at my absolutye lowest yesterdaay - but it is possible to turn this around.

Keep going. xxx


Serial Foodie!
S: 19st7lb C: 18st2lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 49.6 Loss: 1st5lb(6.96%)
hi jan,

i think its wonderful you are taking the right steps to get help with this. I have no expertise in this area at all BUT will honestly admit it has crossed my mind to vomit after eating. only a passing thought but it has crossed my mind every time i have suck something in my mouth while SSing. I have read many many diaries and posts that say the same.

the only reason i have pushed the thought out of my mind again quickly is because i know i have an addictive personality and it would be a very slippery road if i started giving into vomitting after eating.

uve only done what a lot of us think about doing so i guess the line is pretty thin and easy to cross. thats fine tho, u have done something about it and that is fantastic. to be so open when many in the same boat would convince themselves to feel shamed (tho they shouldnt) and be secretive about it. well done u! i mea that sincerely :)

i hope ur appointment goes well and that u will let us know how u get on.

its brilliant that u have posted this as im sure it will help many people.

best wishes xxxxxx


Silver Member
Hi All

I have been there too!! Not since I started LL but on and off for years.. For me it was not a constant cycle just at times. I have now analysed why I used to binge/purge..It made me feel in control at times when everything else in my life was out of control, it actually used to make me feel good!!
I have really reached inside myself doing this programme and am continuing to do so and it has uncovered all sorts!! I have a list of issues that have been bought to the surface and I am working through them one by one.
Issues are always going to be there, thats the negative aspect of being an adult, it's how we deal with them that makes the difference.
I just want to send lots of love and hugs to everyone and if anyone wants to pm me at anytime, just do it, I would love to help if I can.

Take it easy xxx
Wow.. this is such a supportive group.. thank you so much for your fabulous words...

My news is that I managed 100% yesterday.. just had my 4 packs a squillion litres of water and no bingeing at all.. so proud of myself.. a small step but a good one...

Phew.. I can do it.......


Serial Foodie!
S: 19st7lb C: 18st2lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 49.6 Loss: 1st5lb(6.96%)
thats great jan. u can control and overcome this!!

anytime u think about it...just pop on here and give us all a shout! u r strong and can get urself thru this but we'll help get u thru too.

spoke too soon....:O(


Serial Foodie!
S: 19st7lb C: 18st2lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 49.6 Loss: 1st5lb(6.96%)
aww jan. dont feel bad. u need to not get into the emotional cycle of guilt about urself. its not going to happen overnight but u r doing really well. do u know when u r gonna see a professional exactly?


Staff member
S: 18st2lb C: 15st2lb G: 12st2lb Loss: 3st0lb(16.54%)
Awareness is the first step and you did well yesterday.

Now you have had a slip. You can decide if you want it to stay a slip or turn it into a land slide.

Change takes time.

They say it takes 30 days to develop a new habit.

Beating yourself up keeps you trapped in the cycle.

So try and put your focus on what you have achieved...baby steps, baby steps...and you pick yourself up when you stumble and go forward.


Love Mini xxx
Wow.. this is such a supportive group.. thank you so much for your fabulous words...

My news is that I managed 100% yesterday.. just had my 4 packs a squillion litres of water and no bingeing at all.. so proud of myself.. a small step but a good one...

Phew.. I can do it.......
I appreciate the searing honesty of your posts, and I would like to say that I believe we never ever truly 'control' our overeating problem.

We learn to deal with it, to skirt around it, to use various strategies to co-exist with it. That's my personal take on this, borne of long experience. I don't think the problem can ever be 'cured'.

I also feel that SS-ing - indeed any kind of extreme dieting -places a huge strain on us to be 'perfect' and that some of us find this impossible to maintain. So we must learn to let go a little, and not over-react when we cheat, as so many of us do. The feeling of having failed yet again, of having proved unable to succeed where others have succeeded, hits very hard.

The binge/vomit cycle is notoriously difficult to break. Carbs are usually at the root of it all, whether because of a direct physical reaction to having consumed them, or simply out of guilt at having taken in a vast number of calories. Either way you hit trouble.

Go easy on yourself and remember that every day you don't binge is a triumph. Perhaps for some of us SS-ing is just too tricky, too demanding, too hard? I don't know.

But we crave weight loss, and fast weight loss, at that. So we keep going.

Take all the help offered to you, and forgive yourself for lapses. They are normal - just part and parcel of the weight loss journey. You'll get there.
Jan don't beat your self up, hope you get everything sorted out. I had a few binge days and if I did't have a phobia about being sick I would have done it, hopefully you will be able to sort it all out. Good luck.
S: 14st6lb C: 14st6lb G: 9st3lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
Hey Jan

Don't be too hard on yourself - beating this is gonna take time, hopefully when you see a spcialist you will learn how to understand your problems and them overcome them - we wre all here for you hun, so please do not give up. Aim for small goals like getting through each day without an episode, try & understand what thoughts are going on in your head when you binge - this make help you break it down.

Big hugs babe, I am here if you need me


Trainee Maintainer
There's not much I can add to these marvelous posts, Jan, except to say that I have learned to look at the bigger picture.

I have spent some time wondering why I seem to have succeeded doing the LL programme (so far), but have spent the past thirty years failing and hurting myself over and over again, trying to succeed. The counselling I have had has forced me to look at my past behaviours - it makes for uncomfortable viewing. I believe that the only reason I have succeeded is because I was ready to succeed, that is, I had satisfied all the requirements necessary, I had learned all the lessons I had to learn in order to move on.

In my case, I had to learn these lessons over and over again before I finally came to a place where I was open to the possibility of success. I did not know this at the time. But I see it now.

It could be that you have more 'work' to do before you are finally at the point of learning the lesson. I don't know though. What I mean to say is, don't give up trying. It is a long journey you (and us) travel and there are lots of pitfalls and difficulties to get by before we finally arrive at the destination we have been trying to get to.

There's no easy answer but you can't make an omlette without breaking an egg. You can't just fast forward to instant success, or sleep for 100 years and wake up slim. No, if only. You got to do the hard work first.

Stick with us at Minis, Jan, and we'll be there to support you whatever you decide to do!
Got weighed again today.. week 5.. lost another 4lbs totalling exactly 2 stone now.. am chuffed but feel a bit of a fake..

Still.. it's motivating me.. didnt stop 4 chips on the way home.. hee hee!!!

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