Letter to ex's parents.

Discussion in 'Slimming World Off Topic' started by Tinytootz, 13 October 2010 Social URL.

  1. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Not sure if i'm about to do something really quite stupid! It's been bothering me for weeks that my ex's parents don't know about his cheating ways, and that he is currently living with her. I've been mulling over in my head for ages how to go about telling them. I wish i was brave enough to go and see them, but i'll get really upset, as i was fond of them, which won't help the situation. So i've decided to write a letter, well, more of a short note. It's written now, it's to the point, no nasty-ness, just facts, and a thank you for all they have done for me over the years. But have i got the guts to send it? I know it will hurt them to find out, but it hurts me more to think of them being lied to by their son, and that one day, he will take her round to see them, and lie to them again about how she came about. It's almost like the final nail in the coffin. I chose a letter as I know that when I receive one, I take it more seriously than an email or a text or something. Would prefer to do it face to face, but i'm soft, and me getting upset would detract from what I was saying, and only encourage sympathy or in many ways pity towards me, which I do not want.
     
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  3. MummyEm

    MummyEm Slowly but surely!

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    Hun I can totally relate to where your at! Although I have to say I did send that letter and it only made things worse, I found out whilst pregnant with my 2nd child my partner had not only 1 woman on the go but 3 and they all had children. When he found out I knew he told him parents I had lost my son and chucked him out and introduced her to them. I was gutted as I had been part of their family for 8 years. I told them everything, about all their grandchildren, about their grandson who I had not lost and even named after one of them. And guess what, they (obviously) took the side of their son and now neither of my children get even spoken to by them. Part of me wished id let them find out for themselves then maybe my children would at least still have them around. Only you know the best thing to do for you x
     
  4. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    Hey huni.

    I have to say i agree with the above, you can only do what you think is best, none of us in here would like to advise you to do something and them it not go the way planned.

    I can completely understand the want to tell them the situation, they may never find out on their own and if i was in your situation i would want to tell them so that they would know that i wasnt whatever OH had lied to them and told them. (I hope that makes sense)

    I would suggest having a think about it, if it has been bothering you then would sending it get it off your chest or would you then be wondering if they read it or not. Also think how you would feel with the different ways they could react, ie would you be ok if they took his side but knew the truth?

    I hope it all works out for you whatever you decide xxx
     
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  5. sarah83

    sarah83 I will be a yummy mummy!

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    I haven't got any amazing advice for you - Pesty your advice is fab.

    I would definitely say to hang on for a bit... if you wait a few weeks then you may have very different feelings towards him and them, or may even be confident enough to see them face to face.
    Just don't rush into anything honey x
     
  6. Happy Holidays

    Happy Holidays Gold Member

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    Why do his parents need to know, how will it benefit them. Yes he may be lying to them but what will it solve by telling them, won't it just cause more upset, do you want to send this letter because you are upset & they should be too?

    I'm all for sending the letter if it will help them in anyway, otherwise, if there is no need to upset them don't.
     
  7. peachy7

    peachy7 Silver Member

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    Hun, I wouldn't they may just think you're being bitter and twisted, and at the end of the day he's their son, they will stick by him no matter what, it will probably cause unnecessary problems that you don't really need or want. If I was you I'd just leave well alone, move on and forget him.

    I'm sorry if this came out the wrong way am crap with words. Good luck whatever you do xx
     
  8. Leapfrog

    Leapfrog Champion actifryer

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    I'm with Happy Holidays and think you have to question the reasons for wanting to write to them. Maybe a brief letter saying how much you value their friendship and hope that this can continue, with no finger-pointing. Then maybe follow up with a suggestion to meet for a coffee or something and see how things go.

    My own personal experience was to wait a while before I told my ex-MIL EVERYTHING about her grotty son. And I still have a brilliant relationship with her and my ex-FIL - but then I think they already knew what a sh*t he was!

    The last thing I wanted to do was hurt my in-laws and I know that despite everything, their son is still their son and they will never abandon him. I'm just so pleased that I can still count them amongst my friends.

    After my parents and a couple of really close girlfriends, my ex-MIL was the next person I told that my new partner had asked me to marry him and I'd said yes. I didn't want her to find out from anyone else. She was delighted for us both (having already met my new partner last year) and sent an engagement card next day in the post. The wedding we are planning is for close family only, otherwise, my ex-inlaws would definitely be invited.

    I hope it all works out for you, whatever you do. xx
     
  9. fillymum

    fillymum synful soul

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    I am with the majority here though I understand your need to tell them that you are innocent and that their son has behaved badly. The key here is that he is THEIR son and whilst they may always be fond of you they love him.

    Here in Spain we have a saying when faced with anything that might be addressed in the heat of the moment.........

    It translates to *everything in calmness*, so yes wait a while and see how you feel then. If you still feel the same, send your letter.

    hugs xxxxxxx
     
  10. snuggle69

    snuggle69 Silver Member

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    Dont do it!!!! Thats my advice....

    I asked my ex to leave almost 4 years ago when he had his third affair in 5 years, he didnt tell his parents why....but I did, probably the worst thing I have ever done....They now wont even look at me if they pass me in the street let alone anything else.

    I know exactly how you are feeling, but trust me it will only make matters worse, for both you and your children, at the end of the day he is their son and they will always try to protect him, just as you will with your children through their lives.

    I would say write the letter, and maybe add to it when you feel the need then pop it in a draw, its always there and you will feel better just for writing it down but please please do not send it..... xxx
     
  11. avisk

    avisk xx

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    I am in agreement with the above people - why do you want them to know?

    Will it do them any good? Will it change anything? If you think it will make you feel better, is that worth making them feel worse?
     
  12. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    I get where you are all coming from, as it's all in my head already, hence why the letter is still sat on my coffee table. I have no intention of sending it in the heat of the moment. Throughout the whole thing ive not done anything in the heat, apart from when i found out about her, then i went and took everything from the house that was mine, including the bath plug! I fully expect them to side with him, because of course, he is their son no matter what. It's not their 'loyalty' i'm after. But i guess in many ways, I don't think its fair that my parents have had to hear all of the grotty details, but his have remained in the dark. I'm gonna leave it sat on the table for a bit, re-read it, and if I still feel the same in a few days, I will give it to them. It isn't a nasty letter at all, and no names have been banded around. It simply wishes them well, explains I am doing fine, states the facts very briefly, then thanks them for everything. I don't want it to turn into an obsession, which thankfully, it hasn't so far. Ive got enough going on without my every waking moment being about a loser :)
     
  13. avisk

    avisk xx

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    To take just one thing from what you have said - "I don't think it is fair . . .".

    Will telling them about it make anything any fairer? Life isn't fair. I think you need to consider very carefully indeed whether you are in some way wanting to punish them - I may be totally wrong, but that how it sounds to me.
     
  14. Leapfrog

    Leapfrog Champion actifryer

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    I think it's all very raw at the moment and I know and understand exactly how Tootz is feeling. I don't think it's to punish them, more a need to "set the record straight" and "prove" her innocence in the whole situation.

    It's a natural reaction, but I still think, give it time and you'll know what to do. And do keep writing things down - I don't know why, but it really helps. I started writing poetry when I was in this situation and found it was something else to focus on. Very personal stuff.

    Sending hugs
     
  15. pesty

    pesty Fighting the bulge

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    I hope things end up ok for you hun ((hugs)) it must be such a hard thing to deal with, I think that this is a decision for you to make and one which it sounds that you have already made.

    I can clearly see that your not trying to do this out of spite or to hurt them, as you can see above this has ended badly for those who have chosen to follow through with telling them.

    I think it is best to have a re-read as you have said, if you still feel that you mean those words and they need to be heard them how about taking it to them in person. If you think they must know then it might be better to hear it from you rather than from a letter, then you can tell them if you feel its apropriate or leave it if you can see that its not going to go down very well.

    Please let us know what you decide xxx
     
  16. MadameLaMinx

    MadameLaMinx Gold Member

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    I think what might ultimately be better than you writing to "grass" him up - is you writing to them and saying "It would appear that our relationship is over, but I wanted you to know that I appreciate everything you did for me and for us during the course of the relationship and thankyou for your friendship over the time we were together. I wish things were different but clearly it wasnt meant to be but I will always be grateful for your love and support".

    It gives them an opening to contact you if they want to - they may actually know whats going on but be torn between the love they have for their son and awkwardness about contacting you - but it is just a nicer way of opening lines of communication without making you look bad or hurting them unnecessarily.

    Some parents do not want to get involved with their childrens love affairs - but you can say a lot by saying very little.
     
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  17. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

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    Life can be cruel at times and as much as it hurts, people must have their reasons. An amicable thankyou letter to ex's parents would be fine imho, however any commenting about why you may have split up is only likely to cause the ex's parents pain and so a big no imho. Keep it amicable. Hopefully karma will take effect and run its own course.

    I've spoken to ex's mother and will continue to do so. I still care and she has always been good to me. When talked to her and split came up, I simply said we don't see eye to eye anymore, it's a shame and I wish things were different, which is all true.

    Casting blame etc only burns you up inside, it's pointless imho, you might feel a little better to start with but it'll soon come round and bite your bum.

    Goodluck whatever you choose to do.
     
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  19. Tinytootz

    Tinytootz Mini crazy cat lady

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    Well, it seems someone has done my job for me! For 2 days now i've been getting nasty text messages and dead phone calls. Tried to ignore it, but it's quite upsetting when it's someone reminding you that yes, he cheated on you with her. Told the ex to tell whoever it was to stop, as i figured it was one of his mates being uber funny, or just plain cruel. The same person has been texting his parents landline, calling them but not speaking, and also, randomly, texting his sister-in-law!
    The messages i got were along the lines of 'XXX has been cheating on XXX for months with XXX'. But his parents have apparently been getting the same! Text him earlier, he told me this. I asked if his parents already knew, he said no. So I told him to seize the opportunity, and don't tell them more lies - fess up.
    No idea who has been sending them, and i don't care. It's not news to me, it's rehashing a very hurtful time in my life.
    To add insult to injury, he is taking her to his sisters birthday tomorrow, so was supposed to be telling everyone about her today/tomorrow. Don't know why it hurt so much, but gee did i cry buckets all afternoon! Keep having mini breakdowns, where i just burst into tears and can't stop! I hope this passes soon, it aint fun!
    So...the letter is still on my coffee table. Seems redundant now, so ill probably tear it up in a day or two.

    On a side note, his sister-in-law came round this evening, as she is in the area. She knew nothing about it all. So I told her all about it, including the bits he probably decided to omit, such as her being on the scene since 2009. It made me feel better. She wasn't that arsed, upset for me, but not about to start a fight with him or her over it. And that's the way it should be. He is her family, but she did explain to me that she was still my friend, and that wasn't going to change. Not sure what would happen if i pitched up on her doorstep, but the words were nice. And i got a hug from her. I miss hugs the most. Now ready to crawl into bed and wish today away.
     
  20. chris_s

    chris_s Less of a man each day

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    Big hugs, miss them too.
     
  21. snuggle69

    snuggle69 Silver Member

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    It will get easier for you hun, in time you need to sit and make a list of all the positives and work on them rather than thinking about him all the time x
     
  22. Disney28

    Disney28 Member

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    I totally agree with everyone on this site - DO NOT SEND IT!
    Just get a note book and start from scratch about the whole situation, you will feel so much better, and then when you re-read the letter that you were going to send you will realise that it was the right decision not to send it.
    Good luck.
     
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