Lily's Lyrical Lollop. Destination: Land's End...

[Lily]

I thought long and hard about starting another diary thread. There are at least 2 knocking about somewhere on this site but I can't bring myself to resurrect them and see (1) how much less I weighed when I last wrote in them and (2) how I broke my promises to myself. Again.

So I'm starting anew, largely cos although I was doing really well on my restart I've been decidedly wobbly the last few days and I think it's time I started being accountable for my actions!

I'm trying to change my mindset by using Judith S Beck's cognitive behavioural therapy book (The Beck Diet Solution) but over the last days (hmm, coincidence? I think not!) I've been resisting doing the daily activities.

The CD version of the book arrived yesterday and I loaded it on to my iPhone and listened to it on my way to and from work. Already I've realised quite a few new things, even spotted some new sabotaging thoughts. I've been avoiding finding someone to be my diet coach, so I thought I'd make a start on that and use this diary.

I'm going to do my very best to report in every day, whether it's been a good day or not such a good day. If I have a bad day, I'm not going to avoid posting here! That might mean this diary isn't the source of encouragement to others that secretly I'd really like it to be - but I owe it to myself not to lie about my progress.

I don't know how much weight I've regained over the last few days - several pounds, I suspect. I'm one of those people who carries lots of 'water' weight. So I'm going to weigh in tomorrow morning and report it here.

I'm also going to plan tomorrow's food intake right now (even though I don't want to!) and do my very very best to stick to it.

Vanilla shake
Chocolate tetra
Strawberry mix-a-mousse

I've put alarm reminders on my phone to read my Advantage Response Cards so I have no excuses!

So here goes... :character00201:

 

[Lily]

Well, weigh-in wasn't pretty. I'm back to 14st 12lbs again (I got down to 14st 3lbs last week).

I know - sort of - that most of that will be regained glycogen and water. But it's still really... gutting. :break_diet:

Oh well. Back on the plan today!

 

[poppygreendog]

keep going! - I've heard lots of good things about the beck book but just not sure CB is for me. Look forward to seeing your progress. PGD x

 

[Lily]

Sigh. I promised total honesty, didn't I? So...

... all was well until I was halfway home from work (it takes me an hour to drive home, far too much thinking time).

And then I detoured into Asda and picked up pizza, chocolate and ice cream. And the worst thing of all - I did it mindfully. It was no accident, I have no excuses, my day wasn't particular stressful...

I just wanted to rebel. In a way, I want to feel guilty about it - but I don't. The only thing I feel guilty about is that I said I was going to stick to my plan and I didn't.

I think I'm a hopeless case. I read my Advantage Response Cards twice today, read them aloud - and nothing. Just couldn't get excited about what I was reading. I was like, "So what?"

Maybe they're just not personal enough to me? Maybe they're just too vague (I want to buy fashionable clothes, have more energy). Maybe they need to be more specific. "I want to wear this dress" (and put in a picture). Or "I want more energy so that I can..." Actually, I don't know what I want more energy for. I've never had much energy, even when I was slimmer. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it.

So now what do I do? I don't want to give up, I know that much. And I think CBT could work for me - I just haven't quite figured out how, I s'pose.

 

[Lily]

And...

to add to my sins, I'm a fibber. I do feel guilty. I feel pretty sh*tty, actually. Out of control. And control freak that I am, that's not good.

Wish I knew what to do next.

I don't think I'm depressed as such - well, no more that the average overweight person is. My job's pretty challenging and I'll admit it's been tough to cope with it these last few months, but I don't really think that's it.

I just don't seem to have fun with anything anymore. My life seems to revolve around work, stopping my OH and our nearly 15 year old son from bickering - and being on (or off) Cambridge.

Sorry to moan. But if I can't moan here, where can I moan?? I know that in comparison to an awful lot of people, I've got nothing to moan about. But in a way, that only seems to make it worse...

 

[coralprincess]

And...


I just don't seem to have fun with anything anymore. My life seems to revolve around work, stopping my OH and our nearly 15 year old son from bickering - and being on (or off) Cambridge.

I can relate to that, my OH & DS clash (and he's only 3 and a half!!) I would eat crap because it was pretty much the only thing to look forward to after a shitty day. I just try to tell myself that binging might make me feel good whilst I'm doing it but it won't solve anything in the long run, only add to my problems. You need to look after you, have a nice bath, watch one of your favourite films or listen to your favourite music. Whatever will make you happy that isn't food. Sorry if you've heard it all before, it's just what I've been thinking myself for the last few weeks.

 

[Lily]

Well so far this diary thread is the kiss of death, LOL (not your contribution coralprincess - thank you!). I think that's why I've always shied away from keeping one long term - it's a constant reminder of what a plonker I am...

:sign0007::devilangel::argh:​

Anyway...

Saw CWPC yesterday and confessed, duly got my rap over the knuckles and came away with my 21 shakes and bars.

So I've just had my first tetra and I fully intend to be 'good' today (hmm, never sure about using that terminology - rating my behaviour in terms of good or bad probably isn't wise).

I think I need to redo my Beck cards and make them much more meaningful to me. At the moment, they're far too general, far too vague. I can read them without them 'touching' me, if that makes any sense. I can get more meaning out of reciting my five times table. But I think I was chickening out of making them more specific before. It seemed far too much like hard work - ha, because it is hard work, this dieting lark.

I've got a few ideas. For example, I've got a meet-up with the people in my old training group, probably late June or July. In fact, they witnessed my transformation the first time I did Cambridge back in 2007/08 when I shrank from nearly eighteen stone to twelve stone. So I know that when they see me - if I don't get my arse into gear! - they'll just be thinking, "Ha! We knew she wouldn't keep the weight off." So I'll make that into one.

Secondly, I've always had a bit of a hankering for a bright red strappy-shouldered dress - think Special K advert and you'll be close. I love red and I'd love to wear something that really shows off how much weight I've lost. It'd have to be a bit forgiving, cos I think my belly's always going to be on the flabby side, but something empire-line might work. I also might have to get it made too, cos I don't think I've seen anything like what I want in the shops. Daft idea? Maybe. But it's a little dream - one a bit like the one I used to have when I was a kid and wished I could do cartwheels on the grass like the other girls could (I've always been a plump lass, sigh).

Not sure what else I'll write about yet - but both of those things are really clear in my mind, so surely would be more meaningful when I read my Advantage Response Cards?

Maybe I'll share them all here when I'm done, LOL. Wish me luck?

 

[Lily]

Okay, here goes. Some of these are pretty personal, but it's my thread so I'm allowed, right?

I want to look reasonably slim for the reunion of IDP 2005 London group in June/July 2011.

I want to wear a red strappy-shouldered dress. Or even a strapless number.

I want to be able to wear a strapless bra.

I want to be able to buy and wear pretty bras and knickers from High Street shops.

Speaking of knickers, I want to be able to wear something other than ‘granny pants’. That bulge of fat I’ve got in that area needs to be gone so that smaller knickers don’t keep rolling down and cutting in.

I don’t want to get all hot and sweaty in summer just from the mere effort of walking from the office to my car.

I want to have enough energy to actually want to do stuff after work, like go for a walk, go swimming, do some gardening, decorating etc.

I want to fit easily into a train seat so that when someone sits down in the seat next to me, I can actually move my arms.

I want to be able to wear knee-high boots next winter.

I don’t want my father to look me up and down in that appraising way he has before declaring to the world whether he thinks I’ve lost or gained weight. I love you, Dad – but I hate that, and even though I’ve asked you not to do this in the past, you still do it. I’m 41, but when you do that, it makes me feel like I’m 15 again. When I’m slim, it’ll be a non-issue.

I want someone to say to me, “But you don’t need to diet, do you? You’re lovely and slim.”

 

[Lily]

It's just occurred to me that I need to phrase them more like advantages rather than a wish list.

Time to play with words...

 

[Lily]

Interesting how a simple change of words makes the statements have more impact!!

I will be much slimmer than I am now for the reunion of IDP 2005 London group in June/July 2011.

I will be able to wear a red strappy-shouldered dress. Or even a strapless number.

I will be able to wear a strapless bra.

I'll be able to buy and wear pretty bras and knickers from High Street shops.

Speaking of knickers, I'll be able to wear something other than ‘granny pants’. That bulge of fat I’ve got in that area will be gone so that smaller knickers don’t keep rolling down and cutting in.

I won't get all hot and sweaty in summer just from the mere effort of walking from the office to my car.

I'll have enough energy to actually want to do stuff after work, like go for a walk, go swimming, do some gardening, decorating etc.

I'll fit easily into a train seat so that when someone sits down in the seat next to me, I can actually move my arms.

I'll be able to wear knee-high boots next winter.

My father won't look me up and down in that appraising way he has before declaring to the world whether he thinks I’ve lost or gained weight. I love you, Dad – but I hate that, and even though I’ve asked you not to do this in the past, you still do it. I’m 41, but when you do that, it makes me feel like I’m 15 again. When I’m slim, it’ll be a non-issue.

One day soon, someone will say to me, “But you don’t need to diet, do you? You’re lovely and slim.”

 

[Lily]

LOL. Before I get started again here, you should probably know that despite my best efforts to "Beck myself" today, I have already eaten more than just my shakes today.

But I've decided not to give myself a really hard time about it. I've been reading lots of posts here on the forum today - and reading around lots of stuff about successful weight loss techniques on the internet. And positive thinking seems to have one hell of a lot to do with success in just about any area, including dieting.

I just found this on a page about neuro-linguistic programming (NLP).


Barbara Hoberman Levine, author of "Your Body Believes Every Word You say" talked about one man who read about hypnosis and began to affirm to himself, "I am not hungry." He actually gained weight. Each time he told himself "I am not hungry," he focused his attention inside to see if he was hungry. He thought about hunger so often that he put conscious energy into being hungry. He was more hungry when he used an affirmation denying hunger than when he didn't think about hunger.

"Telling yourself not to do something, you focus attention on the very thing you are avoiding, making it harder to avoid," says Barbara. The mind and imagination must focus on the positive goal.

The wording you use is also very important. You must use statements that your conscious mind can accept. In order for Affirmations to work they must be reasonable, believable and acceptable to the conscious mind, lest the mind dismiss the affirmation as mere wishful thinking. The mind must hear an affirmation and really believe it could be true or become true.

Given below are examples of affirmations you can use. Develop your own affirmations that you can "own." Each day, write or say aloud your affirmations.

I'm on the road to fitness.
I am feeling thinner today.
I'm losing weight now.
I look and feel lighter today.
I'm enjoying how I'm feeling now.
I love the feeling of making progress.
I love the food that makes me thin.
Losing weight is effortless.
I am going to fit into the next size smaller any minute.
I enjoy being healthy.
I'm making things easy for myself now.
My body is getting stronger, slimmer, and healthier every day.
I feel so thin inside, my outer is just about to catch up.

weight_affirmations-for-weight-control


I rather like some of those affirmations. I hereby volunteer to try some of them out.

I've also just edited the title of this diary thread from Lily's Loser Log rolleyes: - not many positive connotations there, huh?) to Lily's Lightening Up! Although this thread is getting a bit deep...

 

[farmgirl]

Hi Lily. i love the depth of this thread and your honesty.
I am in week 2 of my own restart and am not finding it blindingly easy so am also doing alot of introspection, trying to figure out why I cheat, what excuses I use, how I sort of turn a blind eye to what I am doing, how it makes me feel etc.
I don't seem to be able to recapture the wonderful excitement I felt when I first started last september which m,ade it easy. I just seem tired but I like your affirmations and many are similar to my own (except I would love to wear a strappy white dress this summer ).
If you can't find the dress you want why don't you collect pictures of lots of red dresses, decide what you like best about them then try and find a local dressmaker and see if they can use/mix patterns etc to create your dream dress. It might be more expensive but would give you something perfect to look forward to ?
Don't apologise for anything on your thread, its great
Good luck and I'll keep an eye on how you are doing xxx

 

[Lily]

Thanks farmgirl.

Well...

It's the beginning of British Summer Time! And seemingly, my body approves, because despite not doing Cambridge wholeheartedly for the last few days, the scales have dropped back to 14st 9lbs. I have no idea why but I'm not knocking it! It means I only have to lose 6lbs to get back to where I was and that doesn't sound anything like as bad as 9lbs.

And even better - though this is going to sound like sacrilege, LOL - I've found another author similar to Judith Beck who not only backs up much of what she says, but actually writes things that seem a bit more pertinent to me. I did a quick search of the forum and found that she has been mentioned before (way back when) but I'd never heard of her.

Linda Spangles. She wrote a book that came out in January 2008 (so probably just after Beck's book came out) that's similar but longer, called 100 Days of Weight Loss.

And like Beck, it takes you on a day by day journey of changing your mindset about dieting. What I particularly like about it though is that there's an iPhone app for this book, in fact, I found that first before realising there was a book to go with it (not that you need the book). It's also called 100 Days of Weight Loss and is £3.49 (so not the cheapest of apps, but it's pretty much the whole book).

But it's speaking to me. On the one hand, I've got these sabotaging thoughts that are saying, "You mug - how much more money are you going to spend on this sort of thing?" And on the other, I'm reading stuff like this:

If you tend to stop and start every time you diet, you may want to look at the difference between being interested or being committed.

When interested, you tend to stick with your plans only until something better comes along. For example, you may decide that you're interested in losing weight, but when someone brings doughnuts to work, you quickly go off your diet.

When you're just interested in dieting, you depend on seeing results to keep you on target. So as long as the scale keeps moving, you stay motivated. But if you hit a plateau or you don't see much progress for a few weeks, you may throw your program out of the window.

Then, when you struggle, you blame everyone but yourself. You accuse your friends of ruining your diet because they eat potato chips in front of you. In addition, you fall into "if only" thinking, saying things like, "If only I had more time, more money, a new job, or a supportive spouse, then I'd be able to stay on my plan."

When you're truly committed to achieving your goals you have an entirely different outlook. Unlike being interested, where it doesn't take much to detract you from your goals, being committed means you stick with it, no matter what.

Rather than depending on results to help you stay on track, you work on keeping your motivation strong, knowing that results will follow. You don't blame circumstances or other people for your struggles. Instead, you stay on your diet in spite of not having enough money, time, or supportive friends and family members.

Look carefully at your current efforts. If you tend to easily fall away from your weight-loss plan, decide if you're taking the interested approach. If so, strive for committed instead. Start adopting a no matter what attitude, then convince yourself you can stay with your goals regardless of your daily challenges.

Yikes. :busted:


That was taken from Day 2. But there's 100 days' worth of stuff, and though I'm trying to resist the urge to flick through all of it and spoil the surprise I haven't come across anything that's made me think, "Nah, that's not how it is for me."

Which is quite scary in itself. And quite exciting at the same time.

A very good friend of mine accused me the other week of just not being committed enough to follow through with my diet. The words have stuck with me, but seeing them again in black and white, in another place...

Let's just say I'm having some serious chats with myself at the moment.

Even better, my OH has also downloaded the App and is going to do the program with me! :clap:

 

[Lily]

By jove, I think I've done it.

That's one day of SS done and dusted (again ). Phew. Think I'd better get myself off to bed before I can spoil anything!

Yay me!

 

[Lily]

Monday morning, grrr. Not nice - but at least this should be a short week because I should be on leave on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.

And the scales are being kind - I've dropped a couple of pounds overnight so I'm back to 14st 7lbs which is only 4 pounds higher than where I was a couple of weeks ago.

Better go and get myself organised to drive to work now!

 

[Lily]

On Day 2 of 100 Days of Weight Loss.

Today, I have to:

Decide that you will always be committed to your weight loss plan, not just interested. In your notebook, describe how you will stick with your program, no matter what.

Okay then.

I will be committed to my weight loss plan. Whenever I have thoughts about switching to a different diet plan, one where I can have food, I’ll remind myself that the only diet I can do that will allow me to lose my excess weight by this summer is Cambridge! Other diets will work, but much more slowly – and more slowly than I’d want them to work. This way, I can be slim for the IDP 2005 reunion in July. I will not be swayed when invited out to lunch or dinner, sticking only to chicken and vegetables. I will not decide that I can eat just because I’m having a bad day, or because I need cheering up or because my OH needs cheering up. I’ll think of other ways of brightening up my mindset, such as getting out for a walk, going to the shops and looking at clothes, downloading a book to my Kindle or looking for motivational sites on the internet. I will not be a fair-weathered friend as far as my diet is concerned, but stick with it for the long term!

I also have to do at least one thing today that demonstrates you are truly committed. For example, take a walk, or eat your vegetables – no matter what.

Hmm. Okay. I will cut the grass this evening. I really don't want to, but there you go! I can't put it off forever!

 

[Lily]

Grass cut, front and back. There, I'm committed!

 

[Lily]

Okey dokey, Day 3 is again about the difference between being interested in losing weight and being committed to losing weight.

Thought provoking stuff.

Committed means do it anyway

You don't usually wait until you feel like going to work. You just go. The same thing is true for visiting your mother or changing dirty diapers. Because you consider these things to be important, you do them regardless of how you feel at the moment.

In the same way, you don't have to feel like working on your weight-loss plan to stick with your program. To improve your commitment, learn to focus on your actions, not just your feelings. On days you're not in the mood for exercising or eating right, tell yourself to do it anyway.

Here's a summary of the differences between people who are interested in their goals compared to those who are committed.

People who are interested in losing weight

1. Stick with it until something better comes along
2. Take action only if they "feel like" doing it
3. Need to see results in order to stay motivated
4. Blame people or circumstances for their struggles
5. Easily give up when they face challenges

People who are committed to losing weight

1. Stick with their plans no matter what
2. Take action whether they feel like doing it or not
3. Assume that if they stay motivated, results will follow
4. Take responsibility for their own actions
5. Keep going in spite of challenges and setbacks

Hmm. Methinks that in the past, I've suffered from a real lack of commitment!

 

[Lily]

Woo hoo - back down to 14st 5lbs. :bliss:

Phew. Only 2 pounds to go to get back to where I was a couple of weeks ago.

Today my tasks were:

1.In your diet or exercise plan, identify a task you don't feel like doing, and then do it anyway!

2.Notice how it feels to accomplish a goal by taking a "no matter what" approach to it.

3.In your notebook, make a list of actions you plan to stick with today, regardless of how you feel at the moment.

I wasn't too sure what to choose cos I knew I wouldn't have many opportunities to exercise or eat something I shouldn't anyway - I've spent the day in London, holed up in a meeting in a very small and stuffy room.

So I've just decided that I need to go for a ten minute walk. Believe me when I say I don't want to do this - slobbing in front of my laptop seems a much better idea.

But - no choice! Time to put my shoes on...

 

[Lily]

There - exactly ten minutes of walking done.

And actually, I secretly quite enjoyed it.