LL Lite Tilley's Tumultuous Thoughts

[Tilleymonster]

I realised that I look and post everyday since joining and thought I should really just diary this. It's 4 days in and I really have the feeling that this is going to be life changing. I don't want to not record this when I think/hope that finally I'm going to do something I've wanted for so very long.

So, so far it's been fine. I get hungry but now I know I'm doing this I ignore it, I drink more water, I have a black coffee, I go and DO something. I stayed with family this weekend and felt weird looking at their dinner plates. I was scared to tell them what I'm doing but they were actually really supportive and this has given me an added boost.

My LLC weighed me Weds night and then again Saturday at first meeting. I lost 1.1kg by then but I need to wait until next Saturday to see what 7 days will do. My boyfriend took the batteries out of home scales because he's seen me obsess about it on so many other diets and we're agreed that this time it doesn't matter HOW I'm doing as long as I'm doing it 100% and as long as I eventually get to 65kg.

I feel so so happy after being so scared. But this feels so easy-I know what to do, the foodpacks are what eat (plus other STUFF that I won't mention in case someone in abstinence looks at this post and doesn't want to hear about that evening meal).

I have photos taken at home, a cut out from the mag and a photo of what I looked like at 16, the only time I've not been very overweight and only achieved by starving myself, all on the fridge. The mag shows 'I went from a size 14 to a size 8 in 3 months'.... I don't even know if this is possible. I can't quite imagine it. I'm bigger than that and can't even imagine being a 12 let alone an 8! AN 8!!! Clothes fitting in such small sizes, how? I can't wait to see if I can do this. I've thought this so many times and ruined it by not bothering. I can't do this again-the me that I want to be scares me: she's confident and dresses well, looks after herself, and I 'love' being safe and looking horrible and going unnoticed. Ironic apostrophes because I really don't love it, but I'm scared to shine. Scared to be pretty and noticeable, surely I'll have everyone hate me and I'll be open to attack for trying and I might fail when i didnt plan to. It's much easier to decide you've failed and be fat and hide and then no one can hurt you.

Well no more. I'm a different person now to in the past and I deserve to be noticed and to shine. I am so focused at the moment and I don't want it to end.

Here's to the next day/week/month. And I won't gabble on so long in future posts... Maybe. X

 

[MagdaX]

Hello you
And good luck with the journey to a Liter () you
xx

 

[motherof2]

Hi Tilley..its your diary, you gabble as much as you want.. in fact please do. What you said at the end could of been something I had written. I am so pleased you are finding your first week going well. Not long to wait until your first weigh in! Good luck!

 

[Tilleymonster]

Awww thanks guys! Im so excited to be doing this, still. And your diaries really inspired me these first few days xx

So, it's day 5. Feeling brilliant from the moment I got up. I was quite exhausted last Friday (day 2) but today I felt great. Not sure if it's psychosomatic or ketosis, but I'm not complaining. Boyfriend stared at me through bleary eyes at 7am and said 'wow, you look amazing'. Bless! Can't say that's ever happened in the morning before. Got into work and three people said I looked brighter, healthy, good-and I felt it.

Forced self to wear one top today. Don't know if anyone else has this but I always have to cover self with a massive cardie or a jumper. I've tried to not do it and spend all day not wanting to get up from my desk for fear of being seen. But no, today just work trousers (looser or am I crazy?) and a top.

Booked a hair appointment for tomorrow as it's been growing out of a short style and not doing me any favours. Bought new make up today-some blusher and mascara. Never would buy stuff like that normally but I am determined to make the best of myself.

Two pants things-one of the bosses brought 2 HUGE cakes in-chocolate and lemon. Where did they put them? The desk behind me. When the cake email went out I disappeared to loo while they all made a fuss and cut it up, went down to stationery cupboard, made a black coffee-by the time I got back everyone had had their slice and no one noticed I didnt! Survived the cake

Second thing-some random woman back from longterm sick leave walked past my desk and said 'oh, what's that-it looks like a urine sample' (pointing to my plastic LL shaker with LL squash). (have hidden the LL symbol with silver duct tape but need for measuring water still at moment). Felt awkward then thought HOW RUDE! Who walks past someone they don't know and comments on their bloomin' SQUASH. idiot.

See, so already I'm stopping MY paranoia and thinking it's just others that are out of order.

As I said yesterday, I REALLY think something special is happening

I can't wait to get some proper weigh ins done so I can see actual progress-4 days to go xxx

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[Pinkie :)]

Second thing-some random woman back from longterm sick leave walked past my desk and said 'oh, what's that-it looks like a urine sample' (pointing to my plastic LL shaker with LL squash). (have hidden the LL symbol with silver duct tape but need for measuring water still at moment). Felt awkward then thought HOW RUDE! Who walks past someone they don't know and comments on their bloomin' SQUASH. idiot.

Stupid women! I don't get people like that! Still... forget her! You're doing brilliantly, and yes, she's just very rude!

Oh, but also, I have attached a link below to an alternative shaker that I thought you might like!... They have 2 bits which screw on to the bottom, and can be used to store a couple of shake or soup mixes! And coz it's tinted, no-one knows what is in it! As for the cakes, well done in avoiding them! That's the sign of someone who's gonna succeed, that's for sure!

Smart Shaker | Smart Shake | Cheap Discount Nutritional Supplements

xx

 

[LadyT]

Hey Tilleymonster, just read your diary I related to some of what you said, you have taken control of your weight now and seem to be doing really well. Its funny things like cakes always arrive when you least need them, thats happened to me a few times. I just say no thanks now and no one challenges me. As for the RUDE woman, how dare she!!! I cant believe the cheek of some people, I was just wondering how others must percieve someone like her, not in a good light I am sure.

You sound so focused and it will be life changing! Good luck and look forward to reading your diary with interest. x

 

[Spanglymum]

Sounds like your head is totally in the right place. You're doing well at finding ways to deal with challenges - eg the cakes - in ways that help you achieve your goals. It's so exciting starting LL. I can hear it in your posts and it makes me think you will succeed. Positive mental attitude is HUGE on this programme. And I could relate to what you said about trying to be unnoticeable or wearing layers, or not getting up from your desk. Believe me, you're going to LOVE the attention - you will be ready for it and it's lovely. Go you!!

 

[Tilleymonster]

So, day 7.

Terrible day yesterday.

My friend and closest colleague at work died in her sleep. She was 33 last weekend. We were at lunch shopping in town on Monday. And Tuesday morning, she was gone.

She was incredibly healthy, running marathons, always the object of my jealousy. lol.

Just proves there's no time to waste. I so wanted to have her see me slim.

I haven't broken the diet. I couldn't over eat if I wanted to.

Very sad. Might leave work soon.

Sorry for rubbish entry. Can't think or write about anything else.
x

 

[MagdaX]

Oh what a terrible story
Sorry to hear you've lost a friend in such dramatic circumstances. My heart goes out to you and her loved ones.

Yes! Times like these really put things in perspective!
Life is so so short and we should cherish everyday and make the best of every minute.

Sent from my iPhone 4 using MiniMins

 

[LadyT]

Aw I am so sorry for your loss, what a huge shock it must have been. xx

 

[Halebob]

That's awful to hear tilley. I can only imagine what your feeling. That is no age at all. It does make you think about life.
Just remember that she will be so proud of you for doing this and keep that attitude you've got. Your so focused it's brilliant. I wish I had that much. Big hugs from us all. You know where we are if you need to talk. About anything.
:grouphugg:

 

[gracielou09]

Oh my word Tilley, cant imagine what you must be going through. Life really is fragile.

She will be proud of you hun.

Take care and thinking of you
xx

 

[motherof2]

Oh Tilley, that is so sad. It definitely puts things into perspective doesn’t it?

 

[Tilleymonster]

Well it's day 8.

I've stuck strong despite grief telling me pasties or pizza or any of my old friends would comfort me. They won't, so I won't. Moved my group to tonight, bit concerned there isn't really any modules and people not able to join so I don't know if I'll be able to 'bond'.

Oh god. I just want to eat bad stuff so I'm happy im going tonight but I hate that my first comfort is food. And thats not an option anymore.

Ho hum. Roll on 7:30 and the first proper weeks weigh in. I wonder how I've done!!! X

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[LadyT]

Good luck

 

[Spanglymum]

I've only just seen this and feel awful for you. Such a sad thing to lose someone at any age but particularly hard so young. Thinking of you xxxx

 

[Tilleymonster]

Thank you everyone for your kind words. Xxx thank you!

A lot has happened this week. Its been crazy. The news as you know. Then I was going to head to my LL meeting Thurs but boyfriend told me there'd been an emergency at work so he'd drive me to my meeting on way back. 1 hour later-we've arrived to meet Buddy, a 7 month old Springer Spaniel that boyf arranged to re home! I'm so happy. I've always wanted a dog and we've been loving 40 miles apart boyf and I, for 2 years. We finally moved in together 3 months ago and he planned this and thought after what happened we should just live life and go for it. All week has been a blur of grief and joy and I'm exhausted!

So, I told LLC I couldn't make it due to puppy and went Saturday-this morning. Total loss (finally I know!) is 7.5lbs!!! 10 days so more than a week but I've got my period and I am so happy to lose so much given everything. I wanted food so much, especially last night, but I didn't. I don't even feel I need a 'treat', because at the
Moment losing so much weight so fast is an amazing treat.

Wonder how this next week will go. Certainly a lot more walking required now-4 hours already today. Zzzz.

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[LadyT]

Well done on your loss, a great start.

Aw a puppy how cute x

 

[Tilleymonster]

day 13

Oh my goodness.

I am so tired it's quite ridiculous. The new puppy, the walking, work being so tough after the death. Everyone I know seems to want to talk about something that's upsetting them. I have no energy left. I'm trying to glug the water down with some mix in it. I'm managing a lot of water this week which is good. I just think emotionally I'm totally drained.

I'd take holiday but i have none left till April. I don't want to eat - in fact, when I get a craving it goes away really quickly. I also find that I'm a bit off food anyway - I think this is all what's happened rather than the diet.

I don't know. Keeping 100% strong but I'm so sleepy xx

 

[Halebob]

Oh Tilley. It's been a tough few weeks for you. just take thingsa day at a time adn it will pick up in the end. If your sick of people chewing your ear off, then chew ours off in return. That's what we're all here for. Each other. Big hugs and happy thoughts sent your way:grouphugg::talk017: