Losing weight, gaining self esteem!

Discussion in 'CD Weight Loss Diaries' started by toller-girl, 6 February 2011 Social URL.

  1. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    10st10lb
    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Well, that's the goal anyway.

    Getting to my goal weight will mean a lot to me for several reasons. I won't just feel happy with how I look, but for years I've felt that it's an impossible goal, but realistically, why is it?

    I've done so much the last few years that I thought was impossible. 2 and a half years ago I was unhappily married but too emotionally and practically dependent to leave, anti social, depressed and almost agoraphobic, and with responsibilities weighing me down and limiting my choices.

    Now I'm nearly divorced (it was him that left, I'd never have been brave enough), living alone and independently, I have an active social life, great friends and have started stand up comedy. Something I'd always dreamed of, but always thought was impossible.

    If I can do THAT, then a simple maths equation (consume fewer calories than I use) should be a doddle, right?

    I need to prove to myself that I can do this. I can take this step and feel proud of myself for achieving something that I didn't think I could.

    I'm just having an inner debate about the right way to do it.

    I'm having a major dilemma!

    I've got just under a stone and a half to lose to reach my normal BMI, but my goal weight is a stone under that.

    I don't want to get to goal purely through doing the Cambridge Diet. What I want is to be fit and healthy and the sort of person who does active things for fun. I used to be, and I feel like my weight holds me back a lot. Not through limiting what I can physically do, (I'm a size 12/14, usually a 12 but some has crept on recently hence restarting!) but just how self conscious I feel.

    I work shifts, and the only exercise class I can do is an early morning boot camp one, 3 days a week. It's going to be very intense and hard work, and probably make me want to cry.

    So, option one: Do Cambridge Diet for a month, and then start Boot Camp in March and return to healthy eating.

    pros:
    * By that time, I'll have had my cooker fixed (a huge factor in living off convenience food and putting on weight!)
    * I'll have a better shape, even if the results on the scales aren't as dramatic.
    * It's healthier. I'll feel fitter and like I'm doing something more positive and sustainable.
    * Cambridge Diet tends to make me quite ill. I get extremely weak and dizzy!
    * I can always return to CD if required.
    * I'll be making a start on establishing the habits that I'll need to maintain in order to stay at my goal weight.
    * I'll feel proud of myself.

    cons:
    * It's not as black and white. CD you either do it or you don't. If you do it, you will lose weight. With healthy eating, there's a whole load of other issues (portion size, doing it regularly, establishing habits) but then, they're issues I will have to face at some point, maybe sooner is better than later?
    * I'm scared I won't reach goal that way. With CD, if I just stay on the packs until I reach goal, then I will reach goal. I don't like ambiguity.

    Option two: Stay on CD for Feb and March, and start Boot Camp and healthy eating in April.

    Pros:
    * 2 months on CD, I'll be at my healthy BMI, and have just over half a stone left to get to goal, which should be achievable on healthy eating and exercise.
    * I'll feel less embarrassed alongside all the skinnies at boot camp.
    * I'll probably only have to buy 2 sports bras, as opposed to three, as my body changes.

    cons:
    * By then, I might have loose skin and saggy bits. It'll presumably be harder to fix those, than prevent them via exercising earlier on in the weight loss process.
    * It's much more expensive.
    * It's putting off learning the long term management skills that I want to develop. I want exercise to be something I do as a way of life, not just as a weight loss tool.
    * I'll feel like death on Cambridge for that long!
    * That method focuses more on weight rather than health and fitness, and I'd rather concentrate on the latter.
    * As crazy as it sounds, I really want to get into the boot camp as soon as possible!

    I think, reading that list back to myself, I've decided that Cambridge for a month followed by exercise and healthy eating is the right approach for me.

    It terrifies me, but maybe that's what's important?

    I'm also going to adjust my goals to 'healthy BMI' first, then I'll look at where I want to be in an ideal world when I've reached that.
     
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  3. Chelsea Lou

    Chelsea Lou Gold Member

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    Diet:
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    Wow, stand-up comedy.........that is very brave to put yourself out there like that, so I take my hat off to you. I'm certain that your comedic take on life and obvious sense of the ridiculous will help you along the way. Let's face it, to live on 3 shakes a day for weeks on end is pretty ridiculous but it works. I would suggest you should be on 810 by the time you have only 7lbs to lose and if you decide to do the boot camp by then you should be on 1000 maybe 1200. The last 7lbs will come off very easily with all the exercise.

    Good luck with however you choose to do this oh and got any good jokes???????

    PS Sarah Millican is my absolute fave comedian at the moment. What a fab voice/accent she has and the most amazing giggle. Love her to bits x
     
  4. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Start Weight:
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    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    10st10lb
    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Hiya, thanks for your reply.

    Sarah Millican is ace, I've met her once and she was absolutely lovely too! :D
     
  5. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Start Weight:
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    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    I'm having such a low day today.

    A few weeks ago, my friend and I went out to watch a band, and afterwards we got talking to the guitarist. We ended up in a lock in at the pub and were there until 4am, all of that time I was chatting to him, and my friend was talking to a group of old men. Anyway, we shared a taxi because he lives around the corner, and he texted her and they've been texting ever since.

    It's just made me feel really rejected, not because of who he is, but the whole situation. I talked to him all night, we seemed to get on really well, but it was my friend who he didn't speak to at all that he wanted to get to know.

    I'm not bothered about him, I don't know him and to be honest I'd struggle to pick him out of a line up, but I really hate the fact that rejection is pretty much the only constant in my life.

    It was over 2 years ago that my husband who I'd been with for 11 years walked out on me (a week before Christmas, just to make it extra painful) and since then, there's really only been 2 men that I've been involved with. They've both been a fair bit younger than me and still operate on the old 'it's not a relationship until you sit down and say you're going out' policy, so with both of them I'd slept with them thinking it meant something, and it turned out it didn't.

    They both wanted to stay friends though, which in many ways made me feel worse. Good enough to spend time with and talk to, but just not sexually attractive in any way.

    The worst part for me, is that neither of them told anybody else about what had happened. I was watching something on tv a while ago and someone was saying "most blokes would sleep with anybody no matter how ugly she is, as long as their mates didnt find out" and that just keeps playing on my mind.

    One of them had a genuine reason for not wanting a proper relationship (he was leaving, and has now gone) and I think there's a negative part of my brain twisting that and seeing it differently, and in the worst possible way.

    Ignoring him (being able to do that would be lovely), my experience with men has pretty much just been a constant stream of rejection. It's in stark contrast to my friend who's constantly got at least one bloke sniffing around her. Including the aforementioned bloke who's left. He found her physically attractive, and liked my personality. It just makes me feel uglier.

    My friend is now giving me a hard time because she wants to go to this new guy's gigs, and it's not really something I'd feel comfortable with. I'm in a desperately low place at the moment, and I don't think going out and watching her be desirable while I'm sitting on the sidelines is going to help. What really upsets me, is that at first she was saying it was the only way she'd get to see him which leaves me being the gooseberry. That's unpleasant no matter who you are, and for me right now it would just make me feel SO worthless and unwanted. Now she's saying that's not the case at all, she just wants to go to his gigs. I just don't get why it's essential that she goes with me, rather than somebody else. She went with somebody else on Saturday night because I was busy with another friend, and the person she went with is the sort of confident, friendly person who can talk to anyone, so definitely wouldn't be sitting alone in the corner by herself. I just don't get why it's so important that it has to be me, when I'll find it really unpleasant.

    I tried to explain to her how unwanted and rejected I felt, how no men are ever interested in me, and she replied 'how is that my fault?'. That really hurt, mostly because she assumed that my current pain is all about her.

    My weight isn't that big an issue in my attractiveness to men. I weigh a lot more than I look like I do (I blame my big boobs and the fact I'm quite curvy) and I'm not one of those girls who will lose weight and look fantastic. I'll lose weight and look better, but I'll still have the same face and it's never gonna be more than ok. Most of my excess weight has gone on in the last couple of months, I reckon I've put at least a stone on since September, and the rejection pre-dates that.

    I really could go on forever about why I feel so rubbish, but I think I'm gonna have to stop because I'm really upsetting myself!

    I reckon get through today, have an early night, and then..... no, that's all the plan I've got.
     
  6. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Start Weight:
    12st11lb
    Current Weight:
    12st1lb
    Goal Weight:
    10st10lb
    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Gonna use this to make my goals so they're clear in my head.

    Week one - Sole Source
    Week two - Sole Source plus
    Week three - 810

    I'm hoping to lose on average of 2-3lbs a week following that. After that, I'm ditching CD completely and doing healthy eating and joining the Boot Camp class.

    My goal is to complete the trial week at the end of Feb, and then every early morning class in March. Every week I complete I'm going to treat myself to a micro-dermabrasion session (at the college, so only £16) and at the end of March, I'm getting semi permanent false eyelashes. Not entirely sure how I'm going to afford all that, but I won't be going out drinking, I won't be eating take aways or junk food, and I'll be doing healthy eating on a budget (aiming to spend £20 a week) so hopefully it'll be doable.

    I'm excited!

    I've got my next stand up gig booked for the 29th March, I'm hoping to look really good after a month of intensive exercise and good eating.
     
  7. Chelsea Lou

    Chelsea Lou Gold Member

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    Diet:
    Eat Less, move more
    :D
    Hi,

    Lovely to read that you are feeling more positive today. I so wanted to reply to your post of yesterday about the guitarist but honestly didn't know where to start. I totally understand your feelings. I have made the mistake of thinking someone fancies me when they have spent all their time talking to me and ignoring who I was with but quickly realised that they are just 'using' you, in a way, to get close to the one they really want.

    I am sure, with your plan of action, plus the confidence you surely must get from performing, it won't be long before your friends will be the ones being used in order for a guy to get to know you ;)

    Keep your pecker up honey xxx
     
  8. leeds123

    leeds123 Silver Member

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    Hope you are feeling much better today. Your last post was so sad so I hope you've woken up feeling a bit better Hun.
     
  9. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Start Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
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    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Thank you :hug99:

    I'm not feeling any different about myself, but what I'm doing instead is concentrating on other bits, the things that I CAN change, and hoping to feel good about that.

    I'm getting back on the comedy horse (I mean booking gigs, not riding a weird looking pony) because I enjoy that and it's a real challenge. I'm writing totally different material at the moment and I can't decide if I should stick with the style I know or try something new. :confused:

    My next gig is booked for the 29th March, and I'm thinking about how much weight I will have lost by then. By then I'll have done a month of CD and a month of intense exercise. If the results are as good as I'm hoping, I'm gonna buy new clothes and show it off. My friends often video my gigs so I can watch them back and learn from them, but I never do because it makes me feel uncomfortable and I start shouting at myself. :rolleyes: Maybe this one will be different?
     
  10. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Start Weight:
    12st11lb
    Current Weight:
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    Goal Weight:
    10st10lb
    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Yesterday I came home so hungry I could've chewed my own arm off. I started thinking about how that would affect weigh in, cos on the one hand (no pun intended) I'd have one less arm which should be a good loss, but if I've eaten it, maybe it'll just be the same weight inside me instead of on my shoulder?

    Anyway, I didn't eat my arm. I drank some water and felt full. I'll remember that for next time.
     
  11. lancsgirl

    lancsgirl yummy mummy in the making

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    Lol love it!
     
  12. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Goal Weight:
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    Lost(%):
    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Thanks!

    I've agreed to go out tonight. It's rock night, and I can't ever dance if I'm sober so it's going to be a real challenge!

    On the plus side, it means I can drive in and don't need to worry about finding a taxi, and it's going to be so much cheaper.
     
  13. Chelsea Lou

    Chelsea Lou Gold Member

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    Diet:
    Eat Less, move more
    Lol, I am sure that doing this diet and reading all the other threads on minis will give you loads of comedy material. On the maintenance diaries we are lining up all the men in white coats and ambulances. They all think I am a complete fruit loop :D Glad you didnt resort to eating your limbs and great that the water filled you up x
     
  14. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Well, in conclusion: going out sober is 'interesting'.

    It was fun at the start of the night, when everyone was just tipsy, but then they got REALLY drunk and I was desperate to go home!

    I still managed to humiliate myself. My friend was talking to the hired, topless eye candy bloke in one of the clubs, and said 'how are you single?' and I said, out loud, 'because he's got a job where wearing fake tan is a requirement'. Brilliant, go me!

    Also had my friend explaining to me that I'm very lucky because men find her attractive, but they respect me. :sigh:
     
  15. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    0st10lb(5.59%)
    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Ooh, lost 4lbs at my weigh in today, so I'm happy. That's 10 in total, I'm not far off a stone!

    I might be going out to a friend's tonight, I last saw them the day before starting CD (only 2 weeks ago) so I wonder if I'll look different? Probably not in two weeks actually, that's quite ambitious. I'm also not sure if I fancy going out, or just staying in and getting some much needed rest.
     
  16. Chelsea Lou

    Chelsea Lou Gold Member

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    Diet:
    Eat Less, move more
    Brilliant loss, well done for that.

    You may not look too different at the moment but I bet you will feel different. I've lost 10lbs also and feel so much better, just knowing I've SS/SS+ for a month today makes me feel confident and happy that I am taking some control over myself and my life.

    Keep going hon, you are doing great x
     
  17. toller-girl

    toller-girl constantly confused

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    Diet:
    was Lighter Life, now Cambridge Diet
    Wow. What a weekend!

    Sunday night I popped to the pub for a couple with my friend. I told her I couldn't stay late because I had to be up just after 5am for my first boot camp.

    It's the pub that the guitarist bloke from my previous post frequents, and she assured me he wasn't going to be there because he had a gig somewhere else. Then we found out he was going back there after his gig, and she was prepared to leave so I wouldn't have to be uncomfortable when he was there.

    She was keen to see him, so we stayed, and she got so incredibly drunk. We ended up staying until 1am, which given the time I had to get up was not great. I'd been desperate to go for hours by that point but couldn't leave her. Once the bloke turned up she was saying she wanted to stay with him, and he clearly didn't want the responsibility of looking after someone in that state, so I (eventually) managed to persuade her to get in the car.

    I was then shattered for boot camp yesterday morning and it near killed me. I was so dizzy and had to sit down eventually. I've started eating a bit this week to up my calories (got another session tomorrow and friday) and going to take it slower. I've explained I've been on CD, they disapprove! I'm not starting boot camp properly until March, so I'm gonna eat for a bit this week, back on SS next (no boot camp next week) and then start eating normally in March when I'm doing Boot Camp. I'm going to give the Boot Camp 2 months, and if I'm not happy with the results doing things that way, I'll go back on CD. I know I get guaranteed results on CD, but I want to be fit and toned, not just weigh less.
     
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