Keighleyjo2010
Silver Member
I have lost the light at the end of my tunnel, I am in a spiralling deep black hole and I am scared and upset that I can't find the light.
I need to do this, for my own well being. I just plod along in no sort of existence at all. My relationship with myself is rock bottom and I'm struggling to get my head around why I am like this.
My relationship with my boyfriend is non existent aswell, it has taken a complete nose dive. May 2008 I had a termination which wasn't my choice and I put on weight after this, since then we do not have a sexual relationship at all. I say it's because it's my weight and I don't feel comfortable with myself at all but I'm not 100% sure this is the actual reason. I feel an amazing amount of grief and guilt that does not fade, I'm lost and alone.
I don't know what to do anymore, I REALLY do want to lose weight I can't look at myself in the mirror. I look at 'big' ladies and think I am not that big, but then I think that this other person may think the same about me I have no idea how big I actually look. I have no pictures of myself, the last picture that I had taken was about 2005.
I did start my diet yesterday but then ended up stopping at the garage on the way to my 3rd job and binged on 4 packets of crisps, cherry 7up, flake, 2 hot peperami's and a pot noodle!!! ? I couodnt help myself!
I am starting today! And I WILL do it, I have left my bank card at home, to wipe out the temptation to stop off and grab something.
I have been working 3jobs for 6months doing 15hr days, I like to think this is why I have been struggling so much, I am finishing 1 of my jobs tomorrow and have told myself I will be making the following changes:-
1) no bank card, withdraw petrol money weekly
2) carry 1shake, water and mixer with me for my evening shake at work.
3) weigh myself every other day for the first 2wks to keep me focused on why I am doing this.
4) carry a bottle of water with me in the car
5) walk the dogs twice a day
6) add to Minimins diary every chance I get!!
I have poured my heart out, and there will be more to come as I try and battle against the darkness that is my life at the moment.
Start: 16:9 (6am - 24/03/2011)
I need to do this, for my own well being. I just plod along in no sort of existence at all. My relationship with myself is rock bottom and I'm struggling to get my head around why I am like this.
My relationship with my boyfriend is non existent aswell, it has taken a complete nose dive. May 2008 I had a termination which wasn't my choice and I put on weight after this, since then we do not have a sexual relationship at all. I say it's because it's my weight and I don't feel comfortable with myself at all but I'm not 100% sure this is the actual reason. I feel an amazing amount of grief and guilt that does not fade, I'm lost and alone.
I don't know what to do anymore, I REALLY do want to lose weight I can't look at myself in the mirror. I look at 'big' ladies and think I am not that big, but then I think that this other person may think the same about me I have no idea how big I actually look. I have no pictures of myself, the last picture that I had taken was about 2005.
I did start my diet yesterday but then ended up stopping at the garage on the way to my 3rd job and binged on 4 packets of crisps, cherry 7up, flake, 2 hot peperami's and a pot noodle!!! ? I couodnt help myself!
I am starting today! And I WILL do it, I have left my bank card at home, to wipe out the temptation to stop off and grab something.
I have been working 3jobs for 6months doing 15hr days, I like to think this is why I have been struggling so much, I am finishing 1 of my jobs tomorrow and have told myself I will be making the following changes:-
1) no bank card, withdraw petrol money weekly
2) carry 1shake, water and mixer with me for my evening shake at work.
3) weigh myself every other day for the first 2wks to keep me focused on why I am doing this.
4) carry a bottle of water with me in the car
5) walk the dogs twice a day
6) add to Minimins diary every chance I get!!
I have poured my heart out, and there will be more to come as I try and battle against the darkness that is my life at the moment.
Start: 16:9 (6am - 24/03/2011)