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Lost light!

I have lost the light at the end of my tunnel, I am in a spiralling deep black hole and I am scared and upset that I can't find the light.

I need to do this, for my own well being. I just plod along in no sort of existence at all. My relationship with myself is rock bottom and I'm struggling to get my head around why I am like this.
My relationship with my boyfriend is non existent aswell, it has taken a complete nose dive. May 2008 I had a termination which wasn't my choice and I put on weight after this, since then we do not have a sexual relationship at all. I say it's because it's my weight and I don't feel comfortable with myself at all but I'm not 100% sure this is the actual reason. I feel an amazing amount of grief and guilt that does not fade, I'm lost and alone.

I don't know what to do anymore, I REALLY do want to lose weight I can't look at myself in the mirror. I look at 'big' ladies and think I am not that big, but then I think that this other person may think the same about me I have no idea how big I actually look. I have no pictures of myself, the last picture that I had taken was about 2005.

I did start my diet yesterday but then ended up stopping at the garage on the way to my 3rd job and binged on 4 packets of crisps, cherry 7up, flake, 2 hot peperami's and a pot noodle!!! ? I couodnt help myself!

I am starting today! And I WILL do it, I have left my bank card at home, to wipe out the temptation to stop off and grab something.

I have been working 3jobs for 6months doing 15hr days, I like to think this is why I have been struggling so much, I am finishing 1 of my jobs tomorrow and have told myself I will be making the following changes:-
1) no bank card, withdraw petrol money weekly
2) carry 1shake, water and mixer with me for my evening shake at work.
3) weigh myself every other day for the first 2wks to keep me focused on why I am doing this.
4) carry a bottle of water with me in the car
5) walk the dogs twice a day
6) add to Minimins diary every chance I get!!

I have poured my heart out, and there will be more to come as I try and battle against the darkness that is my life at the moment.

Start: 16:9 (6am - 24/03/2011)
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Hi Kayleigh

Lets just start by saying you've made the best decision to start CD. This diet will give you quick noticeable results, which will I hope raise your confidence levels. It's good that you are putting in place actions that will ensure you stay on track, the best way to ensure results is to do something like this, I'm sure many who use these boards will tell you its part of their survival mechanisms.

It seems to me that the way you feel about your weight is presenting a barrier and causing problems with you and your partner, hopefully losing weight through CD will give you the courage needed to address your situation. Lastly hun I feel for you with regard to the termination but try not to beat yourself up too much, life's pretty much a ***** and at times deals you such a rough deck of cards, we all just have to deal with things the best we can. Try to stop beating yourself up so much. Sending you big hugs, people are very supportive here and you've just taken the first step on your CD programme. Good luck with it :)
{13:54pm 23/03/11}

Have just had my first shake haven't felt hungry today, have also drank 1litre, have another 2litre bottle to finish before the end of my shift at 5pm, not sure if I will do it or not but will give it a good bash.


Full Member
S: 12st10lb C: 10st6lb G: 9st0lb BMI: 24.3 Loss: 2st4lb(17.98%)
You will do it !!!
You are strong enough to decide to lose the weight, strong enough to think of positive ways to help yourself succeed and strong enough to face your demons and put them down in black and white. You are a very strong person and I have faith in you !!!!!
Just find a way to get through the first 2 days and then, when you start to see the numbers drop on the scales, things will get easier. The joy you will feel as you see yourself disappearing is quite fantastic and addictive.
I had lots of problems and upheavals when I started and the feeling of success and control that my weight loss gave me made a massive difference in how I saw myself and my ability to cope with everything else.
Just keep up the diary so we can see how you are getting on, and can offer you our help and support........and smile :D
After a shitty wkend, I have started back today, a bad start but a start non the less as my alarm didn't go off and I was an hour & half later for work. I didn't get to have my first shake until now (1:45pm) and I didn't get to walk my dogs. But I will be going home and walkin them then for a little longer then normal.

I weighed myself this morning and am 16:7,

Here's to the new slimmer me
{28/03/11 17:40pm}

Have just finished work and change money up for my trip to Vegas which is now in oct. Will be going to Ireland on the 14th April for 10days I haven't spoken to my mum for a few days, it might even be over a week now as I am angry at myself for lying to her, every time I spoke to her and she asked how my diet was going I just told her i had stayed at 16st.

I hope I can lose as much as I can between now and the 13th I would LOVE to be 15st but I'm not holding my breath. I would be happy with a stone.

I have used my weight as an excuse with my boyfriend as to why we're not intimate but truth be told I'm scared shitless that I will end up in the same position in 2008 and I'll have to have another termination. I am riddled with guilt and grief over it and I need to try and address it because it is ruining our relationship.
I don't know how to get over it, I don't know if I should speak to him and suggest we actually try for a baby. I'm really confused as I love him like crazy but am petrified that it will happen again so I don't want to even give it a chance to.


Gold Member
S: 16st11.0lb C: 15st10.0lb G: 13st7.0lb BMI: 37.8 Loss: 1st1lb(6.38%)
Oh sweetheart. :hug99:

It's kind of hard to know what to say without knowing the details - but I'm guessing that's way too personal and definitely none of our business.

But... (gulp, cos I'm almost scared to say it) I think you might struggle a bit with dealing with your weight until you've dealt with the other 'stuff'. My heart breaks for you when you say you're riddled with guilt and grief over what you had to do.

Have you ever had any kind of counselling? I know a lot of people really don't want to go there (I personally resisted it for years :rolleyes:) but I promise, it really can help. You need to get some of these thoughts and feelings out of your head and out into the open - so that you can look at them properly for what they are, let someone else see them too and learn how to make peace with them.

It doesn't have to cost you anything and no one else needs to know - your doctor should be able to refer you to someone. If you haven't tried this - please, think about it. I know you probably think you deserve to feel terrible but you don't. It sounds like you've suffered quite enough.

As for not telling your Mum the truth... yep, been there too. But remember this: it's your life, it's your body and you don't have to tell anybody anything if you don't want to. It's nobody's business but yours.

You'll get there with the weight loss thing, but you'll do it in your own good time, okay? And in the meantime, please remember that there are a lot of people on this forum who are here for you x
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Gold Member
S: 16st11.0lb C: 15st10.0lb G: 13st7.0lb BMI: 37.8 Loss: 1st1lb(6.38%)
Oh, good. :) I think you need to talk, hun. Bottling stuff up really doesn't do you (or anyone else for that matter) any good.

I'll be sending out lots of positive vibes :vibes: that the doctor you get to see really understands how you're feeling and really wants to help x