Major confidence issues!

Discussion in 'Calorie Counting' started by Caz, 25 May 2011 Social URL.

  1. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    It'll probably come as no surprise that this post is about a guy! haha Anyway, there's this guy who I've been chatting to on facebook for a while then moved to text, he's a friend of a friend, can't really remember how we got chatting.

    Anyway, he says that he's interested in me and wants to meet up next week. He seems like a really lovely guy and as much as you can know before you've met someone in person, think I'm interested too. But the thing is, even though I like him, I don't really want to meet up! I just keep thinking that we'll meet up, he'll see me and be like oh... you weren't what I was expecting. Yes I've got pictures on facebook, but I'm very picky and quick to untag! So I feel like they do me too much justice. I don't think people would realise how fat I am just from them.

    I just don't know what to do! Part of me thinks I should put it off for a while until I've lost more. But then at the same time, I'm not sure that I would want to be with a guy that is only with me because I've lost weight and wouldn't have been before, if that makes sense!

    He is a really lovely guy so I just don't know. From looking at facebook pictures, it seems like he used to be a bigger guy though not sure as overweight as me! And that he's lost the weight. So part of me thinks, well maybe he'd understand but then I know that that isn't always the case.
     
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  3. Fattack

    Fattack Likes to eat

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    Ok! Weighing in (hoho) with personal experience here. I met my boyfriend online, when my BMI was more or less identical to yours at the moment. I only showed him photos of me that were uber flattering (good angles, and NO body shots!). He wanted to meet up, I panicked, and went on the Cambridge diet, and kept putting off our meeting, saying I was busy with work etc.etc. He didn't know I was dieting, I was scared that if he realised I was fat he wouldn't want to meet me. I lost 2 and a half stone before we met, and everything was wonderful and we're still together now (I'm now half a stone lighter than I was when we met - I put a fair bit on in autumn). I explained to him how big I used to be and that was why I was putting the meeting off, because I was scared he didn't like me and he told me I was a total idiot, and I'd effectively wasted a few months where we could have met up earlier. He didn't care one bit, especially as he'd also been bigger.

    Long story short, if this guy is worth your time and effort, he won't care if you're bigger or smaller! Especially with meeting online, he's been captivated by YOU, not the size of your jeans!! And if he turns out to be disinterested because of your weight, then he's really not worth it - plus, you may not like HIM when you meet up! Go for it, girl!
     
  4. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    See, whilst I agree with all of that and completely understand what you're saying, something just doesn't let me go for it! I know that I should just go for it and go meet him for a drink or whatever but at the same time, I don't know! There's all the what ifs! I just don't know what his expectations of me are.
     
  5. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    I know some people who are even bigger than me and have all the confidence in the world. Why can't I be like that?!
     
  6. kelz89

    kelz89 Full Member

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    I think that you should just go for it, what do you have to lose?! If he isnt interested then thats his loss! Imagine how happy you will be if you meet him & it goes well... Ive often thought how you are thinking, but i think it would do wonders for you to just bite the bullet & go for it! xxx
     
  7. LittleSis

    LittleSis Silver Member

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    Caroline. Could you meet up in a group situation? You said you have a mutual friend! I'm juessing you both would have asked your friend about one another.
    I do agree if you've been talking on-line then he's fallen for the real you and not judging you on apperences. Are you like me and vet any Facebook photos? :) I know it's always daughting meeting someone when your not confident about how you look but take it from an old broiler "Nothing ventured, nothing gained".
    I hope it works out well for you.
     
  8. betterforever83

    betterforever83 Silver Member

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    you should definately go for it!! boys are generally thrilled by female attention and he won't be worried bout your size! in fact he'll probably be nervous himself and not even notice ;)

    but i understand where you're coming from. I've been with my hubby for 7 years (married 8 months) and i still worry bout not looking good enough for him............and believe me he doesn't take much impressing :D hahahaha
    Good luck with whatever you decide x
     
  9. Fattack

    Fattack Likes to eat

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    Caroline - I know exactly what you mean about wanting to be one of those women who are pretty much massive and still totally confident! I still feel as confident now as I did when I was 70lbs heavier, and think if you suffer from low confidence, it can take a while to up it. When I was at school, I was bullied really badly and when I got to uni, I was terrified that I wouldn't make any friends. What did I do? Well, HealthyEater is TOTALLY right - I FAKED IT, and to this day, all my university friends believe I'm one of the most, if not the, confident person they know. Eventually I *did* start to feel like I was the dog's bits :D

    You have to fake it to make it! People (especially men) are attracted to strong, confident women, and a lovely pretty girl like you will have no problem attracting guys ;) Men are like magpies, they like shiny objects, so act like a diamond rather than a pebble!
     
  10. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    Kelz... nothing to lose except what little confidence I have left! haha

    LittleSis... I don't know, we might be able to I guess, hadn't really thought about that. The mutual friend doesn't live around here anymore though, so would be waiting until they're back for a visit which means finding an excuse to put him off for a while! I'm definitely like you and vet all Facebook photos! I guess I just have to hope that my sparkling personality will outweigh (pun intended!) the physical!

    Betterforever83... To be honest, you're probably right. I'm probably the only one who would care! But yet, even though I keep telling myself, there's still the what if. Maybe I just need to forget about it and just go for it anyway.

    Healthyeater... To be honest, I think you're right. It's something I've thought about before. I know that I have major confidence issues which have been brought about by being overweight, but they won't magically disappear as the weight comes off. Yes, it helps, but there's a lot more to sort out in my head than that! I'm just not sure how. To be honest, any confidence that I have (which others would tell you is quite a lot) is generally just a front. I guess, like you said, I just need to try and act confident even if I'm not. Maybe one day, I'll have acted confident for that long some of it will actually become real.

    Fatattack... I'm exactly the same to be honest, except I didn't do quite so well at making uni friends! Well, that's not true, I've made some very good uni friends who, like yours, would all consider me to be pretty confident. I like the diamond/pebble thing.

    To be honest, I think I could wait a day, a week, a year and weigh 20 stone or 10 stone and I'd probably feel as unconfident as I do right now about it all. So, I think you're all right. I have to just act like I am confident and just get on with it and go for it because it's never going to get any easier, just harder probably!
     
  11. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    Well, I've decided to just go for it. Just not sure when. Maybe next week. I don't know lol I'll let him bring it up!
     
  12. Wrinkly

    Wrinkly Recovering chocoholic.

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    Good for you girl! Go for it! If he doesn't appreciate you - his loss!

    A friend who is tall & skinny met his wife on line, She is a big girl but within month they both knew that they were a pair & have been married for almost two years now.
     
    Last edited: 25 May 2011
  13. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    I'm not expecting marriage from this haha If all I get is a new friend then that's all good with me lol
     
  14. kelz89

    kelz89 Full Member

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    Thats the perfect attitude! Let us know how it goes xx
     
  15. Wrinkly

    Wrinkly Recovering chocoholic.

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    Neither were they.... :D
     
  16. happyhealthy

    happyhealthy Omnomnomnom

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    Caroline, you've got a lovely face and a womanly body - what's not to like? I understand your confidence issues, but if this man is worth his salt he won't mind. Confidence is the most attractive thing on a woman. How do you think larger woman like Nigella Lawson are attractive to so many men when she's not stick thin? Because she's gorgeous and confident. All you need to work on is the confidence, and like fattack said, if you don't have it FAKE IT. Works a treat ;)

    ps. and if this man isn't worth his salt, don't hesitate to tell us where he lives so we can pay him a errr.... 'visit' :D :D
     
  17. Kimmy b

    Kimmy b Full Member

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    I got to say I'm one of them women I can be a size 10 or 22 and I'm still full of confidence ( I've just gone from 18 down to 14 ) but I'll let you in in some secrets it is a act , but I do the act because men love confident women no matter there size so what you do is long soak in bath make yourself smell yummy do the make up put your best under wear on to make you feel womanly get dressed then here's the important bit you look in the mirror and tell yourself YES YOU LOOK HOT why would any one not agree ( I'm sure you have a lovely smile or really pretty eyes great hair we all our beautiful in our way we all come in different sizes and shapes but we are all beautiful women ) now make that date go out and have a fantastic time your beautiful and YOU deserve to be happy , fake that confidence he'll love you I'm sure. Please let us know how you get on best of luck love kimmy x
     
  18. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    Happyhealthy... I'm not sure rolls count as womanly! haha But you're right, if he's worth having then he won't care. I'll just drop hints about the fact that I'm losing weight and so if he accepts me at my worst, he'll be lucky enough to get me at my best soon...ish!! What is it Marilyn Monroe said?

    "I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."

    So if I reword that... I'm fat, unconfident and very insecure. I USED to eat too much, do too little and can be a little demanding. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best!

    If it all goes wrong and he turns out to be a twat I'll let you know!

    Kimmy... Maybe you could let me in on the secrets of how you're so convincing! Sometimes I'm great, sometimes I'm really not. Today seems to be a not day! Every so often, I'll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and actually like what I see. Well, kind of. I've never liked my body. But I'll see pretty eyes, pretty smile or whatever or thing you know, I might be fat but I'm not THAT bad. But then I ruin it all by thinking yeah but my potato sack body takes away from anything I've got going on and think not of what I am, but what I could be, thinking how pretty I might be once I've lost weight. Maybe the trick is learning to just be me, no matter what size I am. Liking me for me, not what I could be.
     
  19. Kimmy b

    Kimmy b Full Member

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    Most men don't like skinny anyway, but most men ( except the £;(&@ who aren't worth it anyway) go for personality first and id say your a character and you seem to have great sense of hummer and I bet your loads of fun and that's what men want and by the sound of it your personality will out shine a size 10 any day x
     
  20. Caz

    Caz Slimming down the aisle

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    I posted this in my diary last night but then realised that there were a lot of people who posted some really helpful replies here who probably don't read my diary so thought I'd repost here...

    Everything has changed a little from my post the other day about that guy, kinda. He's disappeared off the face of the earth at the moment, hasn't replied to my text or a message on Facebook, but has been online. To be honest, it's a little annoying but I'm not too bothered, it's a case of I could like him but haven't met him yet to know, if that makes sense! So if he wants to disappear and stop talking then it's fine, I'm sure I'll cope! He could well just be busy, who knows.

    Anyway, there's another possible reason that I might not be quite so bothered! I went to meet up with a friend today, someone I met out aaages ago, before I went to Thailand. We exchanged numbers and have text and emailed a bit since, fairly regularly I guess. Anyway, we arranged to meet up today, didn't really plan what to do though. I thought we were meeting up as friends but turns out it was a date haha Oops! I think if I'd known that I'd have made a little more effort... like dried my hair and straightened it instead of throwing it up in a damp ponytail and I would have put make up on too! haha

    Anyway, yeah... so it turned out to be a date... which I didn't expect! I didn't really know that he was interested in me. We spent the day together just hanging out and doing stuff which was nice, was nice to be out all day! After I left, he sent me a text saying that he had a really lovely day and that he didn't know whether to kiss me before I left or not and asked if I'd like to do something again soon and said that he likes me. To be honest, I had a really lovely day spending time with him and grew to quite like him over the day but didn't realise that he was interested, so I kind of wish he had!

    But yeah, nothing's happened, it might do but it might not, we'll just have to see what happens. But the thing is, it's really boosted my confidence. I've never really thought of myself as attractive to guys at all. So to have someone actually be interested in me and say that they like me, after my crisis this week, was just what I needed. I have this thing sometimes where it's really hard to know whether I like someone because they like me or because I actually like them, if that makes sense! So I'm glad that I decided that I like him before I knew that he was interested so I don't have to wonder that now! But yeah, has put me in a good mood today that's for sure!
     
  21. Fattack

    Fattack Likes to eat

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    EEEEEK that's brilliant! Dead pleased for you hon. Keep us updated with how it all pans out ;)
     
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