Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[Minerva]

Hey Sean... I really do appreciate your concern - because I'm concerned too. I can't seem to get it right.

I don't want to lose anymore, I want to eat and live a bit more normally, but it's like my mind has blockaded so far beyond itself is that I can't let myself. I feel trapped within this quite frankly.
And indeed I find myself not hungry after I have a small portion of food... ...and actually after I eat I go dizzy. Why is that?!? ... I go lethargic WITHOUT food, and then when I eat something I go dizzy and feel weird.

... I think I need help. Ugh. I really don't want this to become something that I consequently have no control over at all.

:sigh:


Meh.. Today's food... we're going out to a Restaurant this evening; will force myself to have some "carby" choice... since I've been so deathly afraid of "carbs" (lol sounds so stupid) but I guess I need to break that fear somehow.


Breakfast: Butter-bean omelette with dill and garlic puree. Served with a tomato and a bit of Rye bread. ~240.

Afternoon snack: Oaty Raisin muffin ~140.

Lunch: 275g Wild Mushroom Soup with 50g Broccoli. ~120.
100g White grapes ~65

Dinner: Restaurant: Mystery Choice this evening! ~650 -700 ?




Totals: 1250 ish?

 

[daisydoll]

hi, hope you had a nice meal and ate some carbs!
thanks for recipes - can't wait to try the flapjacks in particular, yum,yum!
daisy x

 

[KD]

And indeed I find myself not hungry after I have a small portion of food... ...and actually after I eat I go dizzy. Why is that?!? ... I go lethargic WITHOUT food, and then when I eat something I go dizzy and feel weird.

Umm. Well, IMO and all that, I very much doubt that it's anything physical. I would imagine that the actual food isn't making you dizzy and feel weird (obviously not a doctor though)

So, what benefit is it to you to feel dizzy and weird when you eat? I'm not saying you are consciously choosing to feel this way, but it's a perfect escape from having to tackle the demons don't you think?

Your menus are creative, sound delicious, and 'perfect'. Do you believe that you have to be perfect to stay in control of food?

Perhaps I shouldn't be so blunt and to the point on a forum, but I hope you know me well enough for me not to pussyfoot around my thoughts.

Hope you've had a lovely evening Min.

 

[Minerva]

Umm. Well, IMO and all that, I very much doubt that it's anything physical.
So, what benefit is it to you to feel dizzy and weird when you eat? I'm not saying you are consciously choosing to feel this way, but it's a perfect escape from having to tackle the demons don't you think?

Your menus are creative, sound delicious, and 'perfect'. Do you believe that you have to be perfect to stay in control of food?

Myeah... perhaps you're right, I'm probably being over neurotic somewhere along the line. And I'm wondering which demons. The eating one? Lol well that's a new one - he's only a small one; will be erased soon enough once I get into the swing of things. I am trying to push my boundaries by having some extras for pure enjoyment; yesterday I didn't measure my portion of frozen fruit ... I know, doesn't sound like much - but it's a small step for looseing of that need for control over absolutely everything.

Perhaps I shouldn't be so blunt and to the point on a forum, but I hope you know me well enough for me not to pussyfoot around my thoughts.

You what? Shouldn't be so blunt? This wasn't even half of what I was expecting from you! Most people need someone to tell them some bare truths - and be HONEST with everything they're thinking. Personally I appreciate it completely, and for some reason you came to me in my dreams. Yeah freaky. We had some sort of long conversation and you were recording a song on the piano and singing. ... Hahaha.
Nah, personally I appreciate it more when someone tells me my arse looks fat in those jeans than letting me walk around with my arse half hanging out. I'd always tell the truth to those questions too. It's just how it is. Honesty - even if it's not what you wana hear - is the best policy.






---

Apart from that; we went for a Thai restaurant. Ordered garlic/pepper/onion king prawns with plain sticky rice. Lol, the smallest portion ever came! Had about 4 tablespoons of rice with all the prawns. Was quite tasty; but expected more flavour to be honest. The whole dinner couldn't have been more than 500 calories. Then we came home, the lads had icecream with strawberries, I had a large dessert without measuring it out. LOL. Stawberries, frozen fruits, 0% Greek Yoghurt on top of sugar-free jelly. It was Yuuuuummmmmm. Again though it was only about 200. So my predictions of 700 tops above was about right.
Now; I mustn't feel guilty. ...And for most part I don't. I'm still in control. I am. Yes.

 

[KD]

yesterday I didn't measure my portion of frozen fruit

OMG, you certainly know how to live dangerously

Frozen fruit is so handy though isn't it. I put it in my porridge before cooking, or in a smoothie, or just wait for it to thaw and have some with greek yoghurt :clap:

Very versatile

You what? Shouldn't be so blunt? This wasn't even half of what I was expecting from you!

LOL.

Most people need someone to tell them some bare truths - and be HONEST with everything they're thinking.

Doesn't always work well on a forum though. I try to remember to do a bit on my honest opinion, then soften it with a hug....except I often forget the last bit :cry:

and for some reason you came to me in my dreams. Yeah freaky.

Oh no...you poor girl :hug99:

We had some sort of long conversation and you were recording a song on the piano and singing. ... Hahaha.

Oh gosh...something of a nightmare then. How dreadful for you :hug99: (getting all the missed hugs in with this message you notice )

Dinner sounds really good, and no, certainly no need for any feelings of guilt.

I'm sure you know exactly what you are doing and will increase your calories bit by bit, gradually building up confidence in yourself. Still...I'll watch you anyway, cos clever people are even better at crooked thinking sometimes. much more creative

 

[Minerva]

Thanks KD for keeping a watchful eye. I find it helps for me to know there is support from someone wise and all-knowing!


Hmm. Been a busy week to be honest; we have a guest staying here at the moment. And last night we went out to a nice bar - our guest and I shared 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio (Lol so a bottle each really!). I relaxed about food a little and had half a small bowl of chips to lessen the impact of the drink. I had fun; and I "let" myself just go for it - be normal and not worry. I still made good choices though even while quite innubriated. I felt completely in control. I could take the food or leave it to be honest - I didn't feel the food was controlling me at all. Of course, like all human beings I was a little tempted when faced with a greasy pizza - but I knew I wouldn't enjoy it and just walked away with my head held high.

Instead we all came home, I cooked everyone toast and scrambled egg. Made myself a butterbean omelette (I think?? because I actually don't remember - but the half tin of butterbeans in the fridge tells me I did!) Had a slice of toast, and LOL I remember taking a bite out of our block of Gouda cheese. Then my OH got the icecream out for dessert - I had a spoonful and then went and attacked my Sugar-Free Jelly in the fridge. It was awesome, I enjoyed it all very much. Especially knowing that even completely drunk - I was still in complete control over it all. I'm so proud of myself. Hell yes.

I am more relaxed now. I guess I became quite neurotic before because I didn't trust myself to just stop.... but I guess; I have worked so hard on reshaping the way I think and feel about food - that now when I actually put it into practice, I feel I can take the training wheels off.
If I fancy something - I'll have a bite, a taste - because realistically I know that's all I want. I don't want the whole cake. ... Just a small slice will do me just fine thanks. ... a year ago I honestly would never have said that.

I feel good. I know I'll have weak points as I go on in my journey - but I must check back and notice when and if I go off the beaten track. That's the key to success. Always take a look back just to keep reminding yourself that the journey keeps going forward. Blah.


Right .. food.

Yesterday:

Breakfast: Small fruit salad.
Dinner: Chicken Fajitas using cabbage leaves as wraps.

* Bottle of white wine and an additional glass of white wine before hand.
* Half a small bowl of chips.
* Butterbean omelette, with some toast and a bite of cheese.
* A spoonful or two of Rum&Raisin ice cream, and sugar-free jelly.

--Doesn't sound all too bad to be honest.

Today:
Lol. Small hang-over day. Haha.

Breakfast: A pear and 'Fruit Twist' Fanta. Mmmm.

Lunch: Butterbeans and Mushrooms fried together with some garlic puree and sesame seeds - served on salad.
A few Kettle Chips - had about 5 out of the bag to taste, put the rest of the packet back in the cupboard. ... A small handful of Bombay Mix, and an apple.

Snack: Home-made apricot flapjack

Dinner: Green Thai curry. Mmmmm. Gotta go look up the recipe for this uber tasty goodness.

-----

I think I'm going to stop obsessing over calorie counting for the moment - I'm going to see how I go without it. It in the end - restricts me a little bit too much. Every once in a while I'll have a day when I count, as to make sure that my balance is still good.

Rar.

 

[Sean(JSF)]

GREAT POST MIN

Really good to see you've 'let your hair down' with food over the weekend and vary, very positive attitude

 

[daisydoll]

well done for not going mad while drunk!
i always find when i drink i don't want to eat - but the day after i just eat all day - carbs and fat to get rid of the hangover!

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Blah.. Busy days. ... not really. Just distracted I guess...
Heheh I found my body craving lots of fruit actually as part of my hangover Daisy! You need to replenish your water, and salt in the body for the hangover to go away... I'm not sure how much carbs and fat would help. Carbs are good before you start drinking though to absorb it a little. ... Though when I ate lots of fruit and salty prawns along with my gin intoxication at my friend's wedding = it resulted in no hang over at all the next day!




8th June. Monday.

Mmmm.. Had some Yo! Sushi today. It was awesome. I love it; and I was careful while still enjoying it all to the fullest. I looked up the nutritional information before hand and decided which dishes I was going to have. Of course there is also some sharing around to be done, especially that my OH was introducing our friend (who hates fish of most kinds, or raw whatever, cold dishes) to the lovely hot chicken dishes – the katsu, teriyaki, yakitori, spicy rice/noodle dishes. Hehehhe I believe we have converted yet another person! Though personally I enjoy the seaweed wrapped smoked salmon or tuna thing rolls; the nigiri, and the maki, the sashimi, or a plain tuna hand-rolls. I love the freshness of it all – I do like fish. =) And … the ingredients aren’t too bad – I stay away mostly from the deep fried stuff or the sugary sauces. It’s fairly healthy in comparison to most ‘fast-foods’ or cuisines!

Breakfast: 1 egg omelette with a can of sliced mushrooms. Some cauliflower, tomato, and salad.

Also an apple.

Yo! Sushi 'Lunch': 8 Maki (small salmon rice rolls), assortment of 3 Nigiri (Salmon, Tuna, Prawn), 1 chicken dumpling, 1 spicy chicken salad, 1 spicy tuna hand roll. Few bites of chicken from teriyaki, katsu, curry = roughly 930 total.

Snack: Apple

Late Night Snack: Cauliflower + Cabbage + Salad + couple of handfuls of Roasted Chickpeas/Soya Beans with balsamic vinegar and lemon juice.
And a Pear.

Day total at about 1450.

 

[Minerva]

Gotta catch up two day's worth. Meh.

--

9th June. Tuesday.

Went to the shop this morning… Saw a Raisin and Oat cookie on the shelf… nearly picked it up. Lol. I wanted a cookie. Came home, made myself one with dry blueberries, oats and poppy seeds. It’s awesome. Didn’t take long at all. Why bother with store bought mystery ingredient cookies when I can make an equally good one at home and enjoy it more? Plus I know the one from the shop always gives me a toothache because it’s too damn sweet. Ugh. I forget how much it always used to disappoint me!!


Poppy Oat Blueberry Cookie (Makes one LARGE cookie, or two medium sized ones)

20g Quaker oats (75)
6g Wheatgerm (21)
10g WholeMealFlour (32)
6g Poppy Seeds (optional) (30)
15g Dry Blueberries (50)
2 tbsp Splenda
45g Apple Puree (26)
1 Egg White (15)

Vanilla essence, baking soda, splash of lemon juice to taste.

= comes out at around 250 calories for this mixture. It does make a rather large one – personally I made two. So then it’s 125 per one! Yay!

1) Mix all dry ingredients, then mix in the puree, egg, lemon and vanilla essence.
2) Spread mixture out into a rather large looking cookie on non-stick surface (I have a silicone mat)
3) Bake for about 30 minutes at 200 C.


Hm… I do find that when I’m on my own it becomes a little difficult. I always have some sort of retarded need to keep eating – it doesn’t really matter what it is, as long as it’s something – nibbling at something all the time when I’m at home. I compensate by slowly drinking a hot mug of coffee throughout – or by getting involved in chores, or playing games online. I go out for walks sometimes to take my mind off the constant niggling want. It is rather annoying to have it though. Or I set myself times when I’ll eat something – if I see that I am starting to actually pick too much at stuff – I’ll set myself time for lunch and wait until then. … but it is hard.

I think my need to nibble at the moment can be attributed to a deep sense of mourning. It especially gets bad when I’m alone at home, alone with my thoughts, alone with my home-sickness for Russia and the hurt I feel whenever I remember that there’s nothing there for me now. My grandmother died this past Christmas; and she was someone who was extremely close to me – as close as a mother is to most people – but since I never knew my mother, my grandparents sort of replaced that. I haven’t been able to deal with this loss over the last 6 months, I have to keep moving forward in my life and I can’t stop to properly acknowledge my feelings about her death… if I stop I know I’ll break down and self-destruct. Then again if I keep going the way I am; I’ll explode with all this pain I’m carrying. I already noticed that since December I have become much more emotionless towards my OH and I seem to be drifting through life. As if I can’t really see anything around me properly, as if I’m not really here at all. I find it hard to place my feet on the floor because I seem to be floating elsewhere. … it’s a funny feeling… the only time I ever felt like this before was when I was heavily depressed. …Except I can’t feel the depression as I used to. It’s just this… emotionless, detached void.

Oh god, I need to distract myself before the pain starts to tear me apart. Off I go to play some Sims 3.


Today’s food:

Sorta missed breakfast... blah.

Lunch: Wild mushrooms, carrots, cabbage, cauliflower and a handful of chickpeas stirfried in Soy sauce and garlic puree. Served on some salad with a sprinkling of parmesan cheese.
- An apple and one of the two cookies I made.

Snack: Cup of Bombay Mix and Roasted Soya beans

Dinner: Beef Mince Chilli – with red kidney beans and veg.

Dessert: Fruit Twist Calipo Lolly crushed in some 0% Greek Yoghurt and Blueberries

Day total at about 1300.

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
sorry to hear you are feeling a bit 'lost'
do you work at all - did i remember you doing some charity shop stuff? i know when i'm at home a lot is the worst time for eating.

can i ask you when you have roasted chickpeas and soya beans do you do them yourself, if so, how?

the cookie sounds gorgeous - will add that to my 'to do' list!
daisy x

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Hey Daisy

Nah - I don't roast the chickpeas or the soya beans myself. Roasted Soya beans I bought from Tesco; and the chickpeas from a local Asian shop. However: if you just type in "roasted chickpeas" into Google Search a whole bunch of recipes for them will come up!
In moderation they are really filling and satisfy the hunger pang.


As for the other stuff; I've figured out why I'm on an emotional rollercoaster - I've stopped taking the pill a few days ago (it was a pure Oestrogen one - so I never got periods... haven't had one for 2 years now ...) so no wonder my body and mind are going a little bit loopy. And it doesn't help that my mind is also freaking out about weight gain issues. I know rationally it's fine. It just feels like I'm fatter. Lol. But I'm keeping ... or trying to keep calm. After all it's not the end of the world - the body needs to stabilise. At the moment I'm consuming 1400 calories; and going to try to keep it here for a little while until the body adjusts to the jump from 800.

I had my first "NO" though yesterday! I was eating a bunch of roasted chickpeas. And I asked myself the question - can I put this down and walk away? My mind shouted NO! ... I could have slapped myself. Lol. Well, I partly won the situation - my hand grabbed some, and the rest got put away. I walked away... somewhat. Funny though - that rebellious child inside. He's woken up! And he is shouting for more. So now I reeeaaaalllly need to watch him. And curb even the "free" things such as vegetables. I mean if I can't stop myself from picking at vegetables now - how will I be able to stop myself from picking at cake in the long term? It's all relative. Nothing is harmless. Not even sugar-free jelly! Because one day the sugar-free jelly just won't be enough (if it is eaten LIBERALLY). The mind will want something sweeter, "better", "naughtier". ... so I treat the jelly as a proper dessert. Only once a day as a special treat. Not to be eaten whenever I want - because then the concept of the jelly itself becomes worthless in it's meaning.

Blah. So yesterday we had a powercut. ... the whole day. Lol. At least the gas stove was working which is awesome. However it did mean I needed to rescue some frozen goods.

-------

10th June. Wednesday.

Breakfast: Can of WW Chicken Noodle Soup, with mushrooms, carrot, cauliflower and handful of chickpeas. Then an apple and an apricot. ~250
Lunch: Curried king prawns with chickpeas and cauliflower. Lettuce on the side. ~400
0% Greek Yoghurt + frozen blueberries and blackberries ~150.
Dinner: Bowl of cucumber, carrot and tomato. An apple and apricot to follow. ~160

Roasted Chickpeas and Roasted Soya beans throughout the day: ~350

1310
---------

 

[Minerva]

Emotionally today wasn't bad at all. I kept myself distracted - but on the whole it wasn't too problematic.
Today I felt I wanted to be thin more than food. Funny how priorities change when your mood is different. I didn't feel fat - so it changed how I dealt with it. I suppose it's extremely important to recognise these changes in behaviour and how easy/difficult facing the kitchen becomes. When my mood is low there's the niggling "Why does it matter - I really can't be asked anymore" feeling. Sort of "lets throw in the towel because there's no point" ... I really have to battle it. I let myself have a couple more handfuls of whatever I'm craving - but I definitely try to curb the onset of a BINGE. That's dangerous territory. My mind screams for more, but I try to give it a compromise. Take away a little more than usual - but don't touch the rest. Don't deprive myself when I'm emotionally down - but recognise it as a behaviour which needs watching. Deprivation when you're down - curbing, restricting - will only result in long-term worse results.
As long as I can wake up the next day and look back on yesterday as a fairly successful day; then I'm ok. I have to keep reminding myself that it's only ONE day out of a lifetime. A small extra to keep myself sane won't matter too much as long as I balance things out.

I'm doing ok. I must keep pushing forward and learn along the way.

Today’s Menu:

Breakfast: Butterbeans and mushrooms lightly fried in soy sauce and garlic puree. Added 5g Almond flakes and 10g Sunflower seeds to the mix. Served on lettuce.
Apple; Apricot

Lunch: 5 Falafel (33 kcal each) on iceberg lettuce + balsamic vinegar and lemon juice dressing.

Dinner: Bacon Lentil soup with veggies on cabbage.

Dessert: Sugar-Free jelly with raisins and apricots.

Late night snack: Apple

Snacks throughout the day: Roasted chickpeas.

Total at about 1300

 

[Minerva]

Nothing much to report today... Blah.
Still keeping away from carbs - not really intentionally though. Just don't feel like eating them at the moment. If a meal calls for it I won't say no though Such as :
Pitta Bread Pizza's. Mmm... We bought some wholemeal medium size pitta breads - they're about 145 calories each. Make my own toppings, lots of veg, some cheese, passata+herb base. It'll be awesome - and less calorific than a bought pizza I reckon.... if not - it'll be healthier anyway. It's all down to me I suppose!

While the food monster is indeed calling me to over indulge too much - I'm really challenging myself now. He's shouting, I'm shouting back, there's alot of noise in my head in relation to food. Lots of it. Arghhhhh. ... But at least I'm feeling better now - I'm not so fuzzy, not so lethargic, and generally feeling MUCH more human. I forgot how BAD VLCD's / LCD's make you feel body and mind wise. ... I just wasn't awake. At all. Blah. Steady recovery though.

Either way;

Breakfast: Butterbean omelette with a sprinkling of wheat-germ and parmesan. Salad, cucumber and broccoli along side. + 1 apple. <- This REALLY filled me up for most of the day.

Lunch: Spicy Garlic Prawn stir-fry with chestnut mushrooms, and cabbage.

Snacks: Some diabetic toffee sweets & calcium chew, Apple x2, Cookie, Chickpeas and Soya Beans

Dinner: Turkey Curry with vegetables in a 0% Greek yoghurt curry base. It was yummy.

Dessert: Frozen raspberries + 0% Greek yoghurt with chopped fresh apricots + dash of vanilla essence.

Day net at about 1400.

 

[Minerva]

Tried making some more cookies today - but they didn't go too well... I think I'll keep trying and learning! Want soft cookies - but I think I over baked them so they came out rather crunchy. Still very tasty though, I like a crunchy cookie - but I do want to eventually be able to make an American style one! Soft and fluffy!

Anyway here's the stuffs I had for my own records and such =)

13th June. Saturday.

Breakfast: 30g Quaker’s Oats porridge with frozen raspberries. ~150

Lunch: Soy sauce stirfry with 120g butter beans, 100g cauliflower, 100g broccoli, 1 tin of button mushrooms. Served with a medium size tomato; and lettuce. ~200

Snacks: Homemade Cookie x2 , Apple, (1 measuring cup’s worth of: ) 25g spicy chickpeas, 25g soya beans, + some Bombay mix throughout the day ~ 500
Mini-extras: small snacks, milk in coffee and fruit squashes throughout the day ~120

Dinner: Quorn beef style pieces (with dash of Nando’s Hot Peri sauce) with Brussels sprouts, chickpeas, turnip, mushrooms and carrots. Served with lots of salad. Mmm-yum! ~150

Dessert: Pot of 0% Greek Yoghurt with some frozen raspberries, and a pear sliced in. ~150

Day total: 1270

 

[Minerva]

Blah... not eating is difficult. Seems like a funny thing to say, but here you are.
Lol seems like my mind is racing to eat, eat, eat, and eat some more. I am sensing I can't stop at the moment; but I know I'm not doing badly calorie wise. I plan my meal on paper in the morning, and know exactly how much of what I'll have. It's not so much the meals that are the issue - it's the constant need to be chewing something. So I have a measuring cup full of chickpeas/soya beans (measured out portions of course! ) at my computer for those moments, and I put it away when the desire goes... the whole cup lasts me the day, so it's ok for the moment.
While I'm still in complete control of what I eat and how much - I completely feel like I'm over doing it because of this never ending nibbling. Controlled nibbling, but still. ... need to really watch myself eh. It's so easy to slip back into old ways.

Breakfast: 120g Butter Beans + Mooli fried in Moroccan style chickpea pate, served with a tomato. ~ 225

Lunch: Left over Quorn beef stir-fry, Salad ~ 160

Dinner: Stuffed cabbage leaves with chilli chicken vegetable lentil …stuffs. ~270

Snacks throughout the day: 2 Apples, 1 Pear (150), Cup of Chickpeas/Soya beans (265), 1 Cookie (50), Milk in coffee (30), 2 Lemonade Juice drinks at a pub (200) ~695

Totals: Roughly 1350; Hour and a half bike ride: 300-400 kcal off.

 

[Minerva]

15th June. Monday.

Walked for an hour today; worked up a sweat by the end. Felt good though, and the reward at the end was a lovely relaxing hour and a half with an Americano coffee in Starbucks reading my book!

I do remember how about 2-3 weeks ago it was so easy to say no to extras and snacks, and just to keep to my meals per day.. It has become a lot harder – but this is exactly when that balance needs to be found: between the healthy mindset and the one that could destroy everything. Being too strict will result in failure in the same way as being too lenient. So I guess the next month or so will be my journey in finding that balance. As I’ve seen from yesterday and the day before; too much (even within calorie limits!) makes me feel out of control, bloated and like I’m on a sure way to my old ways. Today I’ve curbed it, and really watching the nibbling. No chickpea/soya bean cup today – it’s not helpful to have one measured out – because then the mind screams that I should finish it!!! Even if I’m not hungry – partly because it’s been “allocated” and “accounted for”.
It may also very well be a case of old behaviour that came back: behaviour that I didn’t experience while in a deep weight-loss state of mind. So now that it’s back: it needs to be addressed on its own. The same way I addressed the behaviour of bingeing. So. Now: snacking. Slowly, one step at a time.

I also slightly got out of the habit of asking myself the QUESTION. Am I hungry? Do I need this? I forgot to truly listen. Only been two days, but I feel the effects I suppose. Bloated-ness and uncomfortable fullness. Ok, lesson learnt! …Don’t overdo it. Though I suppose my mind is reacting to the door opening to more food groups and things I ‘allow’ myself to eat. So it got a little bit excited. Hee hee. Silly brain.

But I do feel better in myself: MUCH more awake, MUCH less moody, more energetic, feeling like enjoying my life isn’t such an effort? Funny thing to say. But dealing with my partner and my pet is just easier. …I suppose that deep state of weight loss does really stir some **** up. Lol. Someone once said that the deepest, oldest layers of fat (the ones I’ve been losing for the last few months) have more levels of oestrogen and hormones, so they’d wreak a bit more havoc than usual. THAT didn’t help on top of the excruciating lethargy I was feeling from the state of ketosis. At least finally: that part of this is over. I saw it through, I finished it. Now to begin the challenge; keep going forward, don’t stop. Keep learning and questioning. I have the tools now… just need to put it all into practice as I go along!...

Ahhhh. There are so many doubts in my head though, I always wonder: How am I not gonna grow fat in just a few months? I forget that I have control over some of it. But I always wonder about the things I don’t have control over. I don’t know how my body is reacting to things truthfully. How do I know that eating more than 1400 kcal per day won’t make me gain weight? How would I know about my metabolism, or anything internal, chemical etc? Things that are beyond my own control. I guess I can monitor things only so far, and make sure I am recognising that I am providing my body with the right balance of nutrients, vitamins and yes: even ‘happy’ treats.

I haven’t really exceeded 1400 a day yet: but already by body feels much more SOLID. Is this normal? It’s just been such a drastic change from the ‘empty’ feeling that I had before. That empty skin, and watery jiggliness. … now it’s all so much more rigid, solid, muscular. … just feels like I’ve gained a stone (I haven’t… stayed roughly the same between 131-135lbs): not so much in the flab department, just in the heavy feeling of it all. Not in a bad way though I guess… I just don’t feel like I’m going to break if someone touches me anymore? … … but the added weightiness to the feel of my body does worry me a little. Is this actual weight gain, is it a starting point for it all rolling back again, or is it just glycogen levels restoring themselves to normal and I actually NOTICE because my muscles are so much closer to the surface? … it’s amazing how much of my body I never knew existed when I was much larger. I thought I knew my body – but hell no. I didn’t even know half of it under the layers of fat. …

Breakfast: Garlic infused mushroom omelette; served with a tomato. ~130

Lunch: Wild mushrooms, (plus 150g button mushrooms) lentils (160g); with a sprinkle of parmesan cheese, served on salad. ~230

Dinner: 4 ‘Cauldron Foods’ Falafels (200), 1 ‘Healthy Living’ Pork sausage (75) with cauliflower herb mash (110). Served with some carrots, broccoli and salad. ~465

Dessert: 100g 0% Greek Yoghurt with frozen raspberries and a pot of Apple & Apricot puree. ~150


Snacks throughout the day: ‘Fruit Strings’ (40), Milk in coffee (30), 2 apples (100), apricot (20), a few diabetic sweets (40), Squashes (30) ~260
Late night snack: Bombay mix with soya beans ~250

So far: 1485
Exercise: 300 kcal walking briskly for an hour.

 

[Minerva]

hm... sad day.

16th June. Tuesday.

Meh. Not feeling great emotionally today – but we’ll see how it goes. I sense the urgency to eat, but I’ll try to address it properly and adequately. Avoidance won’t work – usually only makes the problem worse. Perhaps writing here is making me feel a little bit better though.

Yesterday I was feeling good. My eating was under control that day, I had gone for a long walk and for once I had an evening with my OH watching some TV and eating dinner together (usually he spends his evenings on the computer). …But out of the blue he gets a call from his mate – he’s going down to Bristol in an hour (this was at 10pm as well!) to see another close mate to get Uni results and do some ‘geek’ partying (none of us are real party animals) i.e. get drunk and such. … Oh course, my OH jumps at the opportunity without even giving me a glimpse. Well obviously I’m not going to make a fuss… It was too short notice for me to suddenly jump up and go – plus someone needs to stay home and look after our cat. Of course I’m happy for my OH to go and enjoy himself with his friends – he’s always worrying about money (student!!), and he’d just finished his exams 2 weeks ago and hadn’t really celebrated properly… So I’m fine with all that. But I still got the sinking feeling. My heart sank a bit because I guess I felt left out somehow. Maybe it was because he jumped at the suggestion so readily without really looking for my reaction. It was sort of “yeah!! I’ll go; of course I’ll go !! …{pause) … oh wait I better ask my girlfriend what she thinks, but YEAH I’m going!” … did he even need my validation? No, he didn’t… it’s not that though. I guess I now fall into the “mumsy” role of things – stay home look after the ‘kids’ (cat in our case) while the world falls out around you. …

So; his mates came to collect him at about 11:30 at night. By then I was feeling a little irritable because my heart had sunk so low. Then, I started feeling a little lost. Then the Bombay Mix/Soya Beans/Chickpeas came out (I only recorded some of it yesterday because I felt so ashamed... but here it is. I admit it here). Even though I was fairly full I forced myself to keep eating them. I mean I didn’t actually want to. It wasn’t like the sort of binge feeling where you are helpless for it all. There was a difference here. When I have a binge I just keep eating without really the ability to stop and think. But here: it was deliberate, my mind and stomach were all saying “No, no, no I don’t wanna!” and my hands and a more forceful mindset were almost … as if … punishing me with food? … Forcing the nuts down. Of course I had control but it was very negative. Coming from a very bad place. I CHOSE to do it to myself… I did count the calories roughly as it all went on – and in the end the day total came to 2000. Even after all that… but I felt so… punished, and weak. Then I went to the bathroom and just made myself throw it up. I don’t know how much of it I got rid of; but I guess in the end the whole experience just made me feel even worse about my evening. It was 1:30am by that point, so I curled up in bed and went to sleep. … only to be woken up at 8am by our crappy neighbour who suddenly decided that doing DIY is a great idea in the morning. Never in the afternoon or any NORMAL time. Bloody hell.


Still; this morning I feel very crushed because I did that to myself. I feel like I’m going to gain a stone just from that, even though my rational mind is going “But it’s ok? Realistically 2000 calories is top daily intake for you anyway, to gain a pound you need to have an excess of 3,500. One day is ok, just move on, start this day as fresh, blah blah blah” I know all the rationals. But the emotional brain is going crazy. I have doubts as to how I’m gonna manage my weight in the long-term. Over-thinking it may be part of my problem. But that’s partly to do with the fact that I don’t have much to do on regular days: still, more is coming, I am going to re-apply for the London Met Volunteering scheme, because eventually I want a career within the Police Force/Crime prevention and analysis sector. This year I’m applying to do an MA in Criminology, so my life is going somewhere.

Blah I’m gonna go on a long walk to nowhere. Just walk in a direction and keep walking. That usually cheers me up eventually… Then I get to come back home and make blueberry muffins. I like baking them, even though I’m always scared to actually eat what I make…! Well not scared, but weary. … I do have one cookie/muffin whatever every once in a while.

 

[daisydoll]

hi min
reading this was interesting. i have the same sort of behaviour when feeling the way you described you felt last night.

trouble is it doesn't halt the next day - i then spiral down into a pattern/habit of feeling pissed off with myself so eating again etc etc

its not happened since being on LL but i think its still in me.

you seem to have stopped it in its tracks, which is good. i hope i have the strength to do that if/when it happens

i hope you are feeling ok about stuff now
daisy x

 

[EmVeg]

You're going through a massive journey, and you're bound to be feeling like its a bit of a rollercoaster - but you're noticing these things, and you're evaluating them.

Keep going - you're doing well x