Minerva; Confessions of a Food Addict.

[Minerva]

Thanks guys Actually writing it all down did help. So: when and if you get here - which inevitably will happen, I urge you to write stuff down instead of keeping it in. Actually physically make yourself write your emotions down, and explore the feelings and how it affects you in the present and long-term.

I don't mean to be negative to you guys; but we're all still in this strict LL mindset. I am definitely coming out of it now and am very much bombarded by the motions of what I didn't have a chance to tackle during LL. It really does become much more hands on and much more difficult. I have to use the tools they taught me. But it's so easy to forget them when you're suddenly faced with the demon! Like: all the way through Lite I just knew retrospectively how I will tackle things in the future. If A happens then I do action B; and so on. ... But in Real Time as it happens, as I was actually physically faced with situation A; suddenly all rational solutions are out of the window and inherent instinctive/and learnt behaviour from before takes over.

However the only way is to learn from these mistakes; after all we're all human. Taking the lessons on board and changing our reactions for when it happens next time is our long term goal.


Well; so. Today in the morning I felt quite rubbish... I went for that long walk... I think it cleared my head a little after writing down everything here as well.
I didn't really feel hungry all day which was strange, I had to force some food down myself just to make a better calorie count for the day, since I don't want to go back into too low numbers. I need my body to start adjusting metabolically to a higher calorie intake, I need it to get out of the starvation mode mindset so that it doesn't just regain everything in one go. Low calorie diets: while they're absolutely lovely for people like us; with a lot of weight to shift: it will inevitably send our bodies into a state of starvation... The binge feeling I'm going through now is that 'awakening', my body suddenly realises that food is available, so it's calling for it all! But this does mean that it's also very likely to store it as fat much more readily. So for the next month I have to be careful, and make sure I do exercise.

When I'm hungry; and have no reason to ACTUALLY be hungry (i.e. eaten recently) - I grab a sugar-free candy. I love these diabetic toffee sweets; they taste like Werther's Originals. There's lots of different variations. They satisfy my sweet tooth without the bad effects that processed sugar could wreak on the body chemically.

Right; today's food:



Breakfast: Porridge with Blackberries. ~150

Lunch/Dinner: Seaweed Tuna wraps: Tin tuna, cauliflower, carrots, baby sweet corn, whole Gem Lettuce leaves ~ 220

Dessert: 0% Greek Yoghurt with some blueberries and frozen raspberries. Dash of strawberry flavouring and some blue food dye! Made it look very exciting! ~120

Snacks during the day: Apple (60), Diabetic sweets (75), 20 Almonds (120), 2 homemade blueberry muffins (these came out very tasty!!) (200), ActiMel (75) ~530

A long walk; an hour at a brisk pace, 1 and a half hours at a more leisurely pace. (-450)

So far: 1020

 

[Minerva]

17th June. Wednesday.

Yesterday and today I actively listened to my stomach much more than my head. My head of course wants to keep eating no matter what. I don’t know why it does, just happens to be that way. But I didn’t listen to any of that, I listened to what my stomach was telling me… And I find I feel full or satisfied much more than I think. Especially when I’ve gone for a walk or been active in some way.

The little diabetic sweets are a life saver as well, the long suckable ones are very good at distracting the mind from hunger. It sort of satisfies the emotional hunger too in a way. Not always, but if it works sometimes; we’re already half of the way there.

So, through listening to my stomach; I actually find that I have to wait for myself to get hungry. I mean; I want to COOK! I want to cook my meal because I enjoy doing it! But my stomach tells me no; the anticipation sometimes kills me! Lol.
So what I do in the mean time is plan my meal. Plan meticulously, weighing every ingredient in my mind and counting the calories. I left my dinner ‘plan’ so to speak in my food list today. There are some things I estimate such as lettuce, cucumber, radishes, sauerkraut, gherkins – because I know that their values are pretty pathetic, most of these are 10 - 15 kcal per 100g. Some things such as herbs, spices, spray-oil, and garlic I don’t count either – I refuse to be that obsessive. I know I round things up and add extra calories ‘just in case I’ve missed some’ so it’s accounted for technically speaking.
Every time I eat something I write it down in my Word Document log of food. Now I realise I won’t do this forever. But it’s a useful tool for now; purely for assessing portion size, and knowing generally what a portion of all these different food items looks like. Also how calorie dense they are too.

I definitely know how to bulk my meal out without actually adding many calories to it – which is great on ‘hungry’ days. My OH thinks I eat a lot of food! When actually it’s nowhere near as much as any of his snacks even. Mhmm.. Calories are a funny thing.

Today I finally experimented with some pasta. It just had to be done eventually, I mean I can’t live avoiding them forever: that’s just stupid. I need to stop fearing them: because carbs are good for us. In certain amounts, everything in moderation, all food groups should be included in a healthy lifestyle.
At least I feel good that I’m not rushing it; I’m assessing my reaction to everything. The small amount of melted cheese on top of my pasta bake… Oh. My. God. I forgot how beautiful cheese truly is. I have long ago decided that if you’re going to eat cheese: do it properly. No half-fat rubbish, but full-fat Dutch Gouda. If you’re going to do wrong at least do it right! Very small amount is more than enough – and it definitely was gorgeous. Mmmmm.


Breakfast: ActiMel, Butterbean Omelette with added Linseeds, Sesame Seeds and Wheatgerm. Served with a tomato and some Parmesan cheese. ~335

Lunch: Tuna Chilli with vegetables served on salad. ~220

Dinner: Quorn chicken pasta bake. ~243
40g Whole Wheat Pasta shapes (132), 50g Quorn chicken (50), 125g Passata (40), Onion (15), 150g cauliflower (50). Topping: 15g Gouda (55), 10g Oats (40) = 385 + Salad and extras 50 = 435.
Had half of the pasta bake: the rest is for lunch tomorrow! So 385/2=192.5

Dessert: Russian dairy ice cream with sugar-free jelly and strawberries ~90

Snacks during the day: Diabetic Sweets (60), Apricot (15), Pear (65), Apple (60)


Total: 1088

 

[Minerva]

18th June. Thursday.

I stayed in all day; and felt quite a bit more hungry than the two days before this. I guess the exercise and having my mind off the ‘domestic’ setting definitely helps. Lol. Had to distract myself a lot more, but I think I stayed on course quite well. I assessed my hunger when I felt it, and dealt with it better. Since my calorie intake was so low the last couple of days, I really do have to face to upping it a little more to more normal levels, so I while I was freaking out, I still pushed the snacks a little bit more. I freak out when I total every meal as I plan it ahead of time, because somewhere I still believe I should keep to a 1000 calorie per day. Need to break that particular habit and start to feel more comfortable to pushing it to 1400 – 1700. Need to feel safe doing it, but this journal, and the obsessive counting and stuff makes me feel like I’m not going to necessarily fall off and disappear. It’s a comfort zone right here. I have been off RTM for about 4 weeks now, but I do believe I’m handling food a lot better than I was the first time I did RTM after abstinence. I am much more aware, and I know I can’t get away with anything. There is no such thing…!

Either way, despite feeling quite hungry for all of the afternoon I think I did quite well.. Thoguh I am slowly discovering that eating my dinner at 9:30 is rather late… I tend to get really quite ravenous during the late afternoon/6ish rather than the actual time I do eat dinner at. Maybe I should look into pushing it further up to 7pm; but the problem lies with my partner who likes his meals very late. Hmm.


Breakfast: ActiMel, Muesli with fresh strawberries ~380

Lunch: Left over Quorn chicken pasta bake (195) with salad and a tomato (50) ~245

Dinner: 1 stuffed pepper with stuffing made from turkey pieces, chickpeas and carrots. Oaty&Cheesy tops (134). Served with 150g cauliflower (46) and salad & sauerkraut (50). … ~230

The extent of my obsessiveness ladies and gentlemen below. Since I’m cooking for myself and my partner it does become a little bit harder to estimate these things though.

Stuffing: 225g Turkey (245), 200g Carrots (80), 100g Chickpeas (120), Oxo cube (20), 125g Passata (40), Herbs, garlic, onion & a dash of chilli spices (20) = 525. Topping: 20g Oats (75), 12g Melted Flora (60), 15g Gouda (55) = 190. Peppers: (30 each): Divided into two. --- 6 Pepper halves: 525+190 =715/6=119. 119+15 = 134 per stuffed pepper.


Dessert: 100g 0% Greek Yoghurt, with a crumbled in cookies and cinnamon ~115
55 yoghurt, 60 cookies.


Snacks during the day: 320
2 Apricots (30), Diabetic Sweets (40), Muffin (100), Bite of Falafel/Hummus (20), 2 Biscuits (100), Milk in Coffee (30),

Totals:1290

 

[daisydoll]

hi there, meant to ask - are you still getting weighed each week at LL and are you still losing?
daisy x

 

[Minerva]

I had my last official WI on the 1st of June (it was my last official day of RTM also), so, I haven't been weighed since then. I do keep an eye on my own scales, and am not losing; sort of hovering around 9st 5 - 9st 7. I do plan to maybe pop-in maybe once a month or so in the future when I feel like I've had enough time to let the 'food' question settle down in my head a bit.

I'm slowly readjusting my metabolism back to normal by increasing my calories very gradually. Like with any VLCD/LCD your metabolism will be much slower due to the prolonged period of minimal intake, but also because your body just doesn't need as much energy to move anymore. The lighter you are, the lower your needed intake because it just doesn't take anywhere near as much effort to do the simplest things!

So it's all a whole big cuffuffle of information, I'd rather not take my chances, STS and watch what I eat very closely for the next few weeks to get into a habit of knowing and watching.

Why did you ask Daisy? Is there a particular thing you wanted to know...?
I mean technically speaking I am gaining back some of my glycogen/water weight and being very near my last WI (9st 5), so I can only assume by simple displacement, if water weight is around 5-7lbs, then I have lost some fat, and gained the weight in another form.

... again... I ramble on too much when I have lots of coffee. Sorry!

 

[daisydoll]

i was just being nosey really - your cal count is still pretty low so i was wondering if you were losing.
its all a bit complicated what with the glyco etc to take into consideration!

i have my first RTM meeting tomorrow - i was weighed on mon as i went to my old developers gp just to pick up packs as i was away at the weekend

i'm going to miss next sat meeting as will be at glastonbury yay!!!!

so on week 3 but not spoke to anyone yet - thank goodness for minimins!

daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Good luck with your first RTM meeting...! And hope you have fun at Glastonbury (wishing you great weather - though pack some Wellies just in case!!).
I myself wanted to go to Download - but it's too expensive, and often festivals like that: the experience is nowhere near as fun as we think it will be.

As per your question: I am very worried inside that I am staying the same with such a low calorie count. I try not to freak out over it because that would be extremely unhealthy: especially at such a delicate stage. There is absolutely no point in throwing in the towel, I must persevere. I've come too far to start worrying about it. I will start charting my weight on Monday mornings and write them down; so that I have a long-term basic values to compare to. The body will have fluctuations; but I must now concentrate on the bigger picture, rather than individual measurements.

I can only assume that I'm staying the same because of the displacement of water to fat. I am eating more sugary foods (fruit, dairy, sauces) and starchy/carby food much more often; which would be filling up the 'water' stores in my muscles. And they do indeed feel much more solid. The belly skin however does feel a little bit looser than lets say a month ago when I was still in the middle of RTM. Maybe it's all in my head... who knows. But then again as I have seen the power of the mind is amazing. Just tiny fluctuations in mood can alter my perception of myself so drastically. Within a minute of a moodswing I can have put on 3 stone in the mirror in my mind's eye. So I'd rather not fully trust my own perception of my body.

Either way... right. Here was the log for today.

19th June. Friday.

Was ‘working’ at the charity shop today, and I do find a nice breakfast keeps me going! I love my butterbean omelettes, they’re soooo tasty. It’s got a hint of garlic (frying the butterbeans in a little garlic paste before adding the egg mix), and a hint of herbs from the dills or whatever I decide to put in the egg. Today it had some sesame seeds in there as well; though linseeds worked a treat also: made the omelette a little bit crunchy which was very satisfying!
I guess it’s important to keep busy: in this way the whole world does not revolve around food; which a lot of the time with overeating/bingeing behaviour it does. When I have time to myself especially at home I do become obsessive with it and wanting more and more… and I guess in the end that’s where a lot of the ‘hunger’ feeling comes from… the physiological response to me thinking about it so much.
But I guess it’s not enough to know these things… It’s learning to just keep going and slowly changing what we do. … MEH!


Breakfast: ActiMel, Butterbean Omelette and a few Banana chips ~300

Lunch: Left over stuffed pepper (135) with garlic fried mushrooms, a tomato and some salad ~220

Dinner: Lol. Again! Left over stuffed pepper (135) … served with Thai green vegetable stir-fry (100g cabbage, 100g carrot, 1 green bell pepper: (135)), and salad, radishes (45) ~ 315

Dessert: Sugar-free jelly with Fresh Strawberries ~55

Snacks during the day: Sugar-Free Sweets (90), Apple (60), Cookie (50) ~200

Totals: 1090

 

[Minerva]

20th June. Saturday.


Meh... I don't feel so good. I FEEL fat and feeling like I'm putting on weight; I do try to ignore it because it wouldn't make sense for it to happen. Realistically; on about 1200 calories per day it wouldn't happen. ... right? ...


Breakfast: ActiMel (75), Muesli with 0% Greek Yoghurt, sprinkle of linseed and wheatgerm, served with some frozen berries. (200). ~275

Lunch: Egg fried mushrooms with garlic; served with some salad and radishes. ~125.

Dinner: Soy Sauce & Ginger Chicken Stir-fry with chickpeas. ~300

Dessert: Sugar-free jelly with Greek Yoghurt and frozen berries. ~65
1 Russian Marshmellow with coffee. ~100

Snacks throughout the day: 250g Watermelon (75), Calcium & Vitamin chew (30), Sugar-free sweets (40), Almonds (60), Banana chips (30), Apple (60), Milk in coffee in the day (30)~325


Totals: 1125

 

[Sean(JSF)]

Don't worry Min, you know you're not putting any weight on, at worst you're feeling water retention which will come & go on an almost daily basis. I think it's important not to obsess, but keep a watchful eye on intake & weight (easier said than done).

Relax, you're doing brilliantly

 

[daisydoll]

don't worry - i don't think at 1200 you will be putting on weight

i missed weigh in yesterday so have no bars left - disaster! will go tomorrow night and re-stock

i've got some new wellies - proper normal persons wellies, not fat ones, can't wait to wear them with shorts or a dress!

i love festivals - this will be my 17th glasto, its changed a bit since the first time i went, but its still an amazing place, so chilled.

the food is amazing - there's so much choice and tons of veggie and vegan stuff which is great as often i have little choice at takeaway places - i'm just hoping i can find something that is RTM week 4 friendly!
daisy x

 

[Minerva]

Mhmm.. I'm just looking at the 'visuals' too much, and we know that the visuals are always flawed! I need to trust myself more. I'm swept in a paranoia, but I do try to be sensible. Push it aside, because it's not going to do me any good feeling 'fat' after eating an apple. Stupid brain. It needs a smack!

And thank you Sean - I know I'm doing ok...ish!.... I do notice that I feel worse when I don't go out for a walk! Emotionally and within my body. Sitting around all day doesn't feel nice...!

Have fun as Glasto Daisy! Well; I know you will, though do bring some nibbles for yourself (maybe make some apple 'crisps'? Bake thin slices of apple with some sweetner) - so that you can avoid the excessive temptation. ... And you know what - I still think it's ridiculous that you can't cook vegetables until week 5 or something retarded. Don't avoid the cooked veg - HAVE it. And even at home. Because there's absolutely no reason why that rule is there. Boiling a piece of broccoli really wont change much about it. ... Yes? I mean we lived on cooked veg and larger amounts of protein per day on Lite than you do in RTM. So honestly; go for it. It will fill you up better. Even make some cauliflower rice: 100g cauliflower is 30 cal, or mash it with some greek yoghurt. It's lovely.


Posting today's food log early since it's all worked out. ...

 

[Minerva]

21st June. Sunday.

I hate the air of uncertainty. I guess that’s what freaks me out about going to a restaurant or letting anyone else cook (like my OH will be cooking later tonight…). When I do it, I have already worked out the quantities beforehand, and worked out how to make a well balanced nutritious meal. And I think I have truly benefited so far from a more ‘natural’ lifestyle – I haven’t actually had many ‘processed’ foods. I mainly eat vegetables/fruit, meat/fish, and on occasion I give or make myself a sugar-free treat. Of course there IS the occasional ‘treat-treat’ which is store-bought, or the occasional whole-wheat pasta/potato/rice whatever… But they are not dominating my life by any means right now.

I read an interesting passage in a book the other day; which I will copy out when I have some time: which concentrated on a study made on rats in relation to loss of control over eating. Rats which were given meals heavier in fat density very quickly lost the ability to feel that they are full and as a result overate. A hormone was overridden; and a sense of addiction to that particular substance developed (I do believe that certain types of food can definitely cause the same sort of addictive behaviour as drugs and alcohol). …
This explains so very well why I used to eat, and eat and eat and not stop. The good news is that, those same rats, when put back on a normal diet: they regained their ability to feel satiety. …And certainly like those rats, I can definitely feel ‘full’ while eating a meal now too. So, I think it is important for me to always watch my intake of processed carbohydrates, heavy saturated fat and sugar. … Sugar I find always has a strange effect on me, it makes me want to find more food to eat; pretty much immediately after I’d consumed it. But I love my diabetic sweets, and I love my fruit, so no real problem there.

Breakfast: ActiMel (75), Savoury Oat Omelette Pancake ~240
20g Rolled Oats (75), 1 Egg (75), Milk (10), salt, dill, garlic (5).

Lunch: Pear (60) (due to an early and unpredictable dinner!)

Dinner: Home-Made Pizza… ~ 560
My OH is planning dinner today… He’s making his own pizza dough, and we get to choose the toppings… In honour of Father’s Day; which makes it near impossible for me to know what I’m eating. I’ll go with: A small WholeMeal pizza base (I actually did get to know the ingredients for it so was able to estimate it)(180), Tomato paste (50), Cheese (80), Mushrooms (15), Vegetables (50), Slice of ham (35). + Additional vegetables, salad on the side (150)

Dessert: Cinnamon Baked Apple (60) with Raisins (40) ~100
(Felt very virtuous here lol, everyone else was tucking into a dark chocolate orange torte (I had a bite because my OH wanted me to try it), it was delicious, and I enjoyed the bite I had, but I also did very much enjoy my apple! )

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Pear (60), Milk in Coffee (30), Diabetic Sweets (50), Unknown bites/nibbles (30) ~200

Totals: 1160

 

[Minerva]

22 June. Monday.

Breakfast: 0% Greek Yoghurt with mixed in apricots, frozen berries, banana chips and porridge oats. ~200

Lunch: Smoked Salmon Mushroom Omelette with salad; Balsamic Vinegar & Lemon Juice dressing. ~230

Dinner: Chicken Fajitas using Cabbage wraps. ~300

Dessert: 100g Greek Yoghurt, frozen berries, banana chips, raisins, and a crumbled in ice lolly. ~290

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (30), Sugar-Free sweets (65), 2 Apples (120) ~245

Totals: 1265

 

[Sean(JSF)]

Looking like better KCal intake Min, you seem to have turned the corner on portions/calories. Keep it up you're working your way through teh early jitters and coming to a sustainable compromise.

 

[Minerva]

Mhmm... I'm slowly working up my calories in accordance to my obsessive mind. I have worked up from being neurotic over being over 800 calories to only starting to worry about it when it goes over 1400. I can't hurry it along it seems, I just need to go with it and be comfortable as I do it. ... But seems like I'm getting into a routine of asking myself whether I 'need' to eat, or 'want' to eat. I get pangs of hunger, but more often than not, I make sure that I actually try to think about it properly.

But it's definitely not helped with my boyfriend not being happy. He does make a comment or two every once in a while that my portions are too small, or that I obsess too much over everything that I put into my mouth. He thinks I don't eat enough and keeps pushing me. Maybe after Lite being such a struggle for so long, he is desperate for me to be "normal" again. But he doesn't understand quite how difficult all of this actually is for me at the moment... I try to explain it, but... well. I won't hurry it along for his sake, but I am willing to compromise...

So tomorrow we're going to a restaurant! I'll have a light breakfast, and not worry too much about what I have when I get there... counting on about 1000 calories on a non-creamy based dish, which should be plenty to play around with.

... Meep. Still scary to go out to restaurants though. I really don't like not knowing !! But I can't go through life the way I am now, so every once in a while; I reckon it's ok.


23rd June. Tuesday.

Breakfast: Butter Bean Omelette, with a sprinkling of linseeds and sunflower seeds, served with a tomato and salad. ~ 260

Lunch: Mushrooms, Mooli and Prawns in Garlic sauce. Served with radishes, lettuce and sauerkraut. ~150

Dinner: Beef Chilli. ~ 400

Dessert: Ice Lolly ~35

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (30), Sugar-Free sweets (50), 1 Russian Bon-Bon (40) ~150

Had a lovely long walk in the hot summer sunshine with my boyfriend; but it did come with a small Russian Ice Cream cone! Technically I’d have burnt the calories I had in the cone, but for the purposes of daily totals, I’ll count it in. ~125

Totals: 1120

 

[Minerva]

24th June. Wednesday.

Today was difficult… It was one of those days where I felt quite low, lethargic, and very hungry ALL day. One of those days where I’d be most likely to binge eat and keep nibbling at everything in sight… A week ago I had two of these days in a row, and the result on the second day wasn’t good…! But today… I reflected on my experiences of last week, and was more careful. Some of the time I abstained, some of the time I drank water, I even went for a small walk (which was so tough – usually walks aren’t too bad, but I just found it difficult to move). I kept my meals small calorie wise and added an extra one in the form of a late afternoon snack… and I found it really helped which is a positive step. Last week by dinner time I felt like a binge coming on, especially after I finished my food… today I felt quite a bit more empowered and the hunger slowly faded.
I guess it helps being that little bit more lenient with myself on these days, I can’t control myself in the strictest manner all the time, and these days are definitely the biggest learning curve for me. But as time goes on I think I will be able to cope better if I truly take them in my stride as I did today. I guess if I think about it, it would make sense for it to be hormonal. I’m going through hormonal turmoil since I’ve stopped taking the contraceptive pill about 3 weeks ago. Not going to be a pleasant next few weeks either… Oh well, it’s all good learning opportunity.


Breakfast: Apple (60), Porridge with Blackberries (120). ~180

Lunch: Chicken Noodle Soup with butterbeans and broccoli added in. ~190

Late Afternoon Snack: Seaweed wraps with Ham, Lettuce, Carrots and Branston Pickle. ~140

Dinner: Wild Mushroom Risotto with vegetables and salad. ~275

Dessert: Sugar-Free jelly with a pear, 2 nectarines and a handful of raisins (240/2). ~120

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (30), 5 Almonds (30), Sugar-Free sweets (30), Raisins&Fruits (30) ~ 150

Totals: 1055 -- 1100

 

[Minerva]

Had a lovely day out today with my boyfriend, dressed in a short skirt! Oh my god. Lol. He MADE me buy one the other day, and to be fair I felt ... strangely good wearing it. Never thought I'd wear something that didn't cover all of me up... Hmm.
We went to Queensway, and had a nice long stroll down Hyde Park towards Marble Arch, stopping to admire some swans along the way! Then watched the Transformers movie which I am not all that sure about, and then we had a meal planned at a restaurant; but ended up having some falafel and a shisha pipe, not hungry at all! Came home, and I made myself a light meal; after all: why force food when you're just not hungry!

25th June. Thursday.

Breakfast: Actimel (75), 100g 0% Yoghurt (55) with frozen berries (30) ~ 160

Lunch: Left over Risotto (165), with salad and a tomato. ~ 200

Dinner: Chilli prawns with veggies ~ 245

Dessert: Half of Blackcurrant Sugar-free jelly with apple slices, frozen fruit and raisins (145/2) ~ 75

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (20), Sugar-Free sweets (10) ~ 60

Other: 250ml Kvas (75), Russian Wafer Bon-Bon (25), 2 Falafel (100), some flatbread (80) ~ 280

Totals: 1020

 

[Minerva]

26th June. Friday.

Slowly I'm eating a little more for enjoyment than 'sustenance' alone, but it's still scary to allow myself to do so. I count endlessly in my head, remembering everything that goes into my mouth, adding, subtracting... I even dream about it... the numbers... charts... swirling around, endlessly, all night...

Breakfast: Fried egg with chickpeas, broccoli and a small tomato. ~200

Lunch: Quorn chicken with broccoli, baby sweetcorn and quinoa fried in soy sauce. Served on lettuce. ~160

Dinner: Creamy Chicken Pie with Cauliflower Potato topping. Served with broccoli, peas and salad. ~190
Eighth of the pie = 120. Broccoli & Peas (30), Salad, tomato, cucumber, baby sweetcorn (40)

Dessert: Sugar-Free jelly with a pear, an apple and 150g blackberries. ~85

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (30), Sugar-Free sweets (75), Apple (60) Prichye Moloko (50), Cheese straw (80), 50g 0% Greek Yoghurt (30) ~ 355

Totals: 990 - 1050

 

[Minerva]

Hmph... Yesterday I had a "normal" day, but I'm a little worried to see how quickly things do add up. I didn't eat much during the day counting in a restaurant trip... where I ate normally, and enjoyed a few cold fruit beers afterwards as any normal person would on a night out. ...
And it all amounted to about 2000 calories - now then, if I was eating "properly" during the day time as well, it would have easily pushed it out to 3000.
Meh, I guess it's another lesson... If you know you're gonna eat out - be sensible, and eat small during the day!
But this does make me worried about going on holiday for a week to Latvia... Ugh, at least we'll be doing lots of walking around...eh. The cardinal rule is though: don't give in to temptation! At least, MOST of the time.

Blah. Here's yesterday... And funnily enough, my scales DID go up 2lbs this morning from the day before! Lol, but with low-carbing last week, and so much sugar, and dense foods which haven't come out yet LOL, I'm not surprised. I know it's not FAT, but I'll be monitoring how it goes in the next week.

27th June. Saturday.

Breakfast: Apple ~60

Lunch: Prawn and veggie soy stirfry with garlic. ~160

Snack: 2 pieces of home made wholemeal bread ~120

Dinner: Thai Restaurant. ~ 870

* Ped Makam: Roasted duck topped with tamarind sauce flavoured and vegetables. ~ 400
* Phad Thai ( Chicken ): Stir fried Thai rice noodles with bean sprouts, spring onion and topped with crusted peanuts. ~ 300
* Popia Tod: 1 Spring roll filled with minced chicken and vegetables served with sweet chilli sauce ~ 170

Drink: 3 Fruit Beers. ~ 600

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (30), Sugar-Free Sweets (20), Apple (60) ~ 140

Totals: 1950

 

[Minerva]

Blah.. This is becoming a little bit more difficult and a bit easier all at the same time. I'm just so obsessed over NOT eating all day, and then feel like I've stuffed myself in the evening (I eat my dinner at about 9:30pm, and dessert at about 11). I can't really eat earlier because my OH doesn't get hungry until late, and he feels like he's singled out food wise as it is... due to me eating with chopsticks and him with a fork, and him having a carb addition, me having extra vegetables, and a bigger portion than me as well.

I don't really understand how my body seems to have developed either, I feel some bones sticking out more than they naturally should, yet my stomach is still absolutely huge, I look like I'm pregnant! Some of it is loose skin, but it is rather a lot. The tops of my arms as well, are very saggy, loose, wrinkly. I don't hide or worry about them, and try to just get on with it, but a part of me is a little disappointed with how it all looks. Even my breasts are non-existent... When I lean forward they sag like small empty bags. It's sort of funny in a tragic sense.
At the end of all this I feel less of a woman than I did before.
Sort of funny what I wished for. Thinness didn't bring me happiness, and I was deluded in believing it would. I thought that when I'm thin I'll be happy, I'll be everything I've ever imagined blah blah blah... The truth is: I am still me, inside I am exactly the same person I was when I was fat. Granted a little bit more confident and I do hide less. But there is no magical person hidden under any "layers". I'm not morbidly obese anymore, but this doesn't give me any miracle cures or answer any questions. In fact it made me more neurotic and obsessive and controlling.

I am more aware of how my emotions reflect my eating, and I have to work so extremely hard EVERY DAY not to go and eat. Sometimes there is no reason at all, and I just want to eat. Every day it calls to me, funnily enough not the cakes or the biscuits or the chocolate. I'm not all that fussed about snack foods, I never liked crisps and not a big fan of chocolate. But it's the carbs actually, the muesli flakes, the rice, bread, and the muffins. I would happily sit and eat a huge bowl of dry muesli. It's delicious.
At the moment that's the one food group though that I've failed to introduce properly because I know it's effects on me. I can't stop eating them when I start even though I did find that I don't enjoy pasta/rice/potato anywhere near as much as I used to... and don't get me wrong, a year and a half ago I'd have the world's biggest portion of spaghetti every day; I couldn't live without it.
I just don't want to grow dependent on it again. I have some one day, and then don't have any for the next few days. So, two steps forwards, one step back. Every week, little by little introducing it back slowly. Realistically I know I can't cut carbohydrates out because they are an essential part of daily nutrition: it is vital for energy stores and body function... And I do feel more tired than I should do, on days that I had carbs, I feel more alert.

Bleh... steadily working on it. I just wish I didn't feel like I was having a mental breakdown and obsessing about food all day.

Breakfast: Porridge with berries and raisins. ~190

Lunch: Chickpea burger with garlic mushrooms and tomato & salad. ~ 185
(Chickpea burger: mashed chickpeas, grated carrot, onion, finely chopped garlic, small amount of flour, egg white, cumin, oregano, chilli powder, salt & pepper)

Dinner: Chicken Stir-fry with garlic and soy sauce. Served with cabbage and pickled cucumber. ~370


Dessert: 150g Greek Yoghurt (85) with an Apple (60) and 100g Fresh Blueberries (65) ~ 210

Snacks throughout the day: Calcium & Vitamin Chews (30), Milk in Coffee (30), Sugar-Free sweets (45), Pear (60), 3 Raisin Sweet Dragees (15) ~ 180

Totals: 1135