Minerva's all grown up...


...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
I finally feel that I can join this forum, emotionally. I have gone through my ups and downs with this whole eating thing, learned from my mistakes, and I guess, pretty confident that I know how to do it now.

Don't get me wrong... Maintaining is hard work. It's easy as well, extremely so. But only once you really figure it all out. Genetically, I believe I am one of the people who are 'predestined' to lay down and store higher levels of body fat than others. On an evolutionary scale, we are the ones who would survive the times of famine to keep the species going. Knowing this, I know that my body calls for me to have more. And indeed, I find that I get very hungry, a lot of the time. Every day, is a fight against my chemical impulses. In some ways, I know that it will be for the rest of my life.
In other body chemistry ways, my leptin levels (chemical which regulates the feeling of 'satiety' and trasmits this to the brain) are also extremely out of whack. This is the first time in my life that my BMI is below 30. So, naturally, some chemical processes will take years to readjust, especially since I've never actually had 'normal' BMI at all before. I know I have a few difficult "hungry" years ahead of me. I am prepared.

Knowing these factors, and also being able to judge 'emotional hunger', and knowing that I should NOT be hungry any sooner than about 3 hours after eating any meal - it is easy to know when it is appropriate to eat. I also now know portion size... I physically cannot handle a lot. I hate the feeling of 'bursting'. Even being full is problematic, and it honestly doesn't take a lot to reach satisfaction. When I'm very very very hungry - I know that while I may WANT a HUUUUGEEEE plate of something - I know that my stomach has NOT magically expanded to allow more food 'just' because I'm 'starving'! A bowl of soup, regardless of how unsatisfying it looks at first - will and DOES fill me up quite nicely. :D

I love food, I love the different flavours. But I also know that a little bit is all I need. To taste it, and to leave it after it doesn't give me any more satisfaction. Knowing how to stop and not eat for the sake of eating. I mean, have a piece of cake. Have a bite, get that wonderful sensation hit, and leave the rest. Because it's true. Nothing is as powerful as the first bite! If I get given something, and it doesn't live up to my expectations, I stop eating it straight away. What's the point otherwise? :)

I dunno. Food is only food. I have 'hungry days' every day. I WANT to eat. But I don't. It's easy to go into the kitchen and binge, which is what I used to do. But I CHOOSE not to this time, that's the difference. I used to think that I had no control. I used to think that someone, something else made me do it. A bad day, a bad argument, snide remark, illness, pain... whatever. Those are excuses, and not valid reasons to use food as a comfort. ... Food is never to be used in that way. Food is not a reward either. It's a wonderful treat we use to keep our bodies ticking. We should enjoy it for the sheer pleasure, a few times per day (and ONLY at those times). Never for any particular reason, other than that we are hungry.

On rare occasions, it's not bad to have a treat though. But it should never be a 'weekly' thing. I don't agree with the 20/80 lifestyle, because it's too 'routine' like. It works for some people, but it doesn't work for me - because of one simple thing. I'm a creature of comfort and routine. Once something becomes a scheduled event (i.e. weekends become 'food free' days or some silly thing) this can lead to exuses to have more, or for it to start spilling over into the weekdays. ...

All in all - all good things in moderation. Live my life in a healthy way, every day, regardless. If an event comes up, have a little treat, but know how to control yourself and be able to stop when necessary. There is NEVER an excuse to over-do anything. NEVER let anyone else tell you what you should, or should not do. Just because someone is giving you a plate with cake on it, doesn't mean you need to accept it. You have the choice to say no if you don't want it. ...

I feel powerful when I say no. Yet I feel even MORE powerful when I say yes, and am able to stop when I want to. Have a bite, leave the rest. That is true power.

I wish you all a wonderful week ahead, and I really do wish this snow and freezing weather would go away... living without any body-fat kind of sucks! No matter how many layers I have on, I am still freezing half to death, I wonder how people cope? :D
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Gotta Make A Change
believe that
min you speak truth and a tonne of good points in that post :)
and i agree its not good with this weather, im wearing gloves,scarf a few layers and still so cold.
have a wonderful week and maintain :)


I will do this!
S: 14st9lb C: 13st7lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 29.6 Loss: 1st2lb(7.8%)
SO good to see you here min and posting possitive thoughts. I have learnt so much from you, thanks for posting these true and insightful posts.
Continue 2010 in this mind set and you will be fine x


Gold Member
S: 12st6lb C: 10st8lb G: 9st7lb BMI: 28 Loss: 1st12lb(14.94%)
hi min
you sound really sorted - am going to refer back to this post when i start eating again as it all makes sense and i really hope i can adopt the same attitudes this time round

nice to have you here on the maintainence at last - even tho some of us here are way behind you, time wise!

im feeling the cold now too being back on packs i had forgotton how cold my nose, fingers and toes get!

daisy x

p.s. are your stats up to date? are you keeping even weight or put on or still losing?


Playing the Angel
S: 14st3lb C: 8st7lb G: 9st2lb BMI: 20.4 Loss: 5st10lb(40.2%)
Hey Min

Another fantastic post... sounds like you have come on in leaps and bounds. So far so good for me, some good days and some where I feel really crappy about myself even if it is still a good choice. Calorie wise apart from the 2 or 3 nights where I have had wine, I am still only on about 1300cal which is not too bad. Just wish it would all become second nature now and not something I am so conscious of all the time.

I really love what you said about feeling starving and then still only being able to eat a little. It is something I noticed myself recently. Dished a larger than normal portion of veg and things, because I was "starving" and still couldnt manage it all - you are right an incredibly powerful feeling to just leave and say oops I am done!!!

Hope to see more of ya on here hun, missed ya fantastic thoughts and insights :)



Making it all add up
S: 20st6lb C: 13st0lb G: 13st0lb BMI: 26.9 Loss: 7st6lb(36.36%)
Welcome aboard Min, really pleased to hear from you again & in such apositive frame of mind.

More than the rest of us you've been through the ups & downs of weight loss & maintaining so it's a real pleasure to read your thoughts above. As always eloquent and intelligent.

Welcome home.


Full Member
S: 16st13lb C: 11st4lb G: 11st0lb Loss: 5st9lb(33.33%)
Thanks Min, so very wise and true as always!

I'm kinda getting there and if cake is being offered and I REALLY want some then I will have a tiny tiny piece and be satisified with just having a "taste" of it rather than stuffing my face. I can't however say that I could have a big or even normal slice and only eat a tiny bit and then leave the rest on my plate, I would have to pass the leftovers onto someone else, just really struggle with leaving it on the plate ... so will have to stick to havin the odd very tiny bit.

Just looked at your pics Min and OMG the difference is astonishing, you are amazing!



...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
Oh, my word... thank you guys. :eek: I'm truly blessed to know such a wonderful group of people on this forum - you guys have always been my inspiration, my sources of knowledge. :)

Thanks Gemma and Ken - how are you both getting on? The cold is getting quite unbearable, it's strange... I can deal with mental and physical exhaustion, sleep deprivation, extraordinary levels of stress... but the cold is nowdays truly PAINFUL. It's like stepping into a torture chamber every time I step outside. :rolleyes:I'm supposed to be Russian as well! LOL, I lay waste to my heritage. :eek:

Susianna - you're doing extremely well! Thing is, just moving the plate away a tiny tad towards the middle of the table, mentally finishes the process of wanting more. The simple action denotes that you are done, and opens the piece of food up for the rest of the population around... Simple animal behaviour at work there really. :) Communal sharing and all that. Try it! :D

Thank you Sean :eek: It's a pleasure to finally be ready to be here, with the rest of you successful people!

Daisy... well.. the thing with all this is... I had to forcefully stop counting calories and have NOT counted 'officially' since 9th of November, so 9 weeks ago. I count my meals roughly, and only mentally in my head, (keeping to a mental note of about 150-250ish each for breakfast and lunch; 400ish for dinner, and 150-200ish for dessert) and assess my food by 'visual portion' size... I tend not to snack unless I am mentally 'flagging', so I have 5 almonds, an apple or another small snack or some such .... I weigh and record my weight every Monday *only*. ... And I'm at a bit of a crossroads here. I don't quite know what to do? Mentally I still think I 'over-eat', I do panic a bit when I feel a bit 'bloated'. ... However, since 9th Nobember I have still lost 4lbs... so technically I am still losing, and I'm not very happy with this. It's justt quite hard to work up the courage to eat more, and know how much is too much in the grand scheme of things. I don't want to start piling it on, but I don't want to lose any more... I want to gain a few pounds, but terrified to do so. It's all quite confusing to be honest !! And I definitely do not want to start eating with the excuse ‘I need to put on a few, so I can allow myself this” !! Lol. ... So yes, my ticker is ...correct at this moment in time. ...

And Jezzy... Ah. I really do feel we should meet up... maybe we can learn a lot from each other – because I know, we are both in the same place. Or seem to be. Living on 1300 calories, when REALISTICALLY we should actually be having more. I don’t count, but I know it’s roughly around that. And I’m not sure it will become “second nature” as much as you think it would... We will always be self-conscious around food.. It will always be the primary thing on our minds. ... It’s become second nature to recognise when we’re full, or to kind of compensate for an excess of a day before... I definitely feel a natural repulsion to food the next day after an over-eat, or too much alcohol.
I think as long as we remain vigilant, and eat our food slowly, listening to our stomachs all the time, we’ll be ok, no matter how scary the prospect of going it alone in the future is.

The other point I wanted to make is... coping mechanisms. My boyfriend and I on occasion, have a special ‘Chocolate Tasting Club’ chocolate together. 1 per few days. I don’t eat sweet things, so such a treat is wonderful and really keeps chocolate special... However, don’t you find, that sometimes, when we allow ourselves a treat – it’s soooooooooooooo tempting to have more? To keep going? ‘Just one more won’t hurt ! ... WRONG! One extra, in due course does lead to more. And then some more. Boundaries get broken. ... Hence you do need to find a coping mechanism. I have a few. Break the taste of the item you crave. – Have a cup of coffee ready at your side. Or (no matter how much you hate the idea) pop a piece of sugar-free chewing gum in your mouth. As soon as you get that minty hit, you will stop wanting more. A few minutes later (after you’ve hopefully walked away as well!!!) you will forget and will not crave the item anywhere near as much as you thought.
Another coping mechanism I have – when I do want something sweet, I have a little box of diabetic sweets... The kind you suck for a while... Available at any Boots store – remember, not to replace them with sweets, but only have them when you seem to can’t control yourself. They are not to be eaten one after another, so... be careful. :) Another, is unpeeled sunflower seeds, for those moments when idle hands want something to pick at, something to graze on... Peeling a few, eating some... very nice, and nutritious. Takes the hunger pangs away!
And the last... of course. A big, lovely mug of something warm. My item of choice, coffee. Mmmm. Gives a nice energy buzz, keeps you hydrated, and most of all – feeling satisfied. :D

That’s it for me for now, off I go to cook some dinner!


...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
Thank you LS!
Like yours - my dessert also consists of plain fat-free yoghurt and some fruit or a small handful of raisins. :) It's so simple and delicious!
You are so right about 'having it just out of routine' issue... I do have the dessert most days, after dinner... sometimes I displace it, on rare occasions... But I don't like to. :D
I allow myself the indulgence. But I ALWAYS keep on top of what I put into my yoghurt and make sure that new additions don't creep in on top of 'what I'm used to'. Sometimes it's JUST some frozen berries. Sometimes just a small box of raisins. Sometimes a little more. I vary it that way, rather than cutting it out or displacing it ... when it starts becoming a problem, I will tackle it as such... :)


dancing queen ;)
S: 17st11lb C: 11st13lb G: 11st3lb BMI: 26.2 Loss: 5st12lb(32.93%)
I am amazed...you have done so amazingly well, and i like your thinking ;)
had a peek at a few of you pics- the before and afters...WoW!!!
and..that 'entwined' pic of you both is soooo cute :) xxx


...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
Life after weight loss is a funny thing... I KNOW I do not want to lose any more. In fact I'm terrified of it. I hate the way my body looks, and I hide it because it's scary. I FEEL fat, yet I LOOK skeletal.
I don't know how to put weight on without freaking myself out about it, and I find it hard to 'up the food' because there are several mechanisms that I have in place to prevent me from reverting to old ways of bingeing and secret eating. ... I'd have to break some cast-iron rules which are indoctrinated in me now to actually be able to gain ... Never the less, I didn't freak out when I pushed myself to stuff my face with crisps, and allowed myself some fancy cocktails on NYE. I "gained" about 3 lbs, but I didn't worry at all. ... It's all quite strange, I guess it was because I allowed myself to pig out that evening, I made a conscious decision to do it, so as a consequence I didn't feel guilty. Went back to my normal lifestyle and that weight has all disappeared again without any consequences.

... Mechanisms which I have in place to deal with food which prevent me from over doing it are many. Depends on the situation of course... I do not eat after I am "done" with a meal. So no nibbly bits even after 5 minutes of finishing my plate. 3 hour intervals minimum between food, unless I need an energy injection when I'm studying hard (or am very cold - cold takes a lot of energy to deal with!) ... Then, I will always wait for a 'round' clock figure, such as, if I'm hungry at 19:36 for example, I WILL WAIT until 20:00. First of all to make sure I am actually hungry, and second of all - to promote self-disclipline over the body impulses.
And the last ... most scary of all - I enjoy my food. I love my meal-times, so I find it terrifying to 'sabotage' my hunger. I will not have anything an hour and a half before I'm 'due' for food. I WANT to be absolutely famished when I eat - then I feel like I deserve it. ... And if I don't feel hungry enough, I just won't eat it. I hate the feeling of over-fullness, so I have to keep to this rule. I eat very slowly and stop when I start to feel bloated.

Snacking is kind of out in that way, except for a few scheduled snacks to keep me going in between breakfast, lunch and dinner ... It's all rather confusing right now, I feel a bit out of whack. I eat fine in my own mind, but realistically I know it's way too little. I can't physically eat more though because I can't stuff any more in, and because if I start to eat more I'll feel out of control. Funnily enough though, I was terrified of giving the control to me from the numbers, and it's worked ok. Yesterday I did a small exercise and logged my calories for the first time in 9 weeks, and it nearly ruined me. Knowing the numbers first hand is ... very very damaging. Straight away I started cutting things out in order to make the number go smaller, regulating, planning, etc etc... ugh...

While I don't feel helpless like I did when I was calorie counting, I still do find it a little hard in knowing how much and when. I have broken old habits of the 'old me' ... I can't even begin to understand how I used to live. These new habits I've developed have become my life, my everyday routine. ... but perhaps some of them, are just as damaging, as some of my old ones.

So, always be careful what you wish for. Being 'slim' will not bring you happiness inherently. It is not the solution to your problems. It will only work, if you are prepared to embrace it properly. ... And in doing so, you must remember, that you have to change everything, not just your image, but also the deeper emotional relationship that you have with your inner self. No matter who you are at this present moment in time - if you can't accept yourself - it will always destroy you in the end.


Playing the Angel
S: 14st3lb C: 8st7lb G: 9st2lb BMI: 20.4 Loss: 5st10lb(40.2%)
Very wise words as usual Min :)

I logged again for a few days and have now stopped again. It does make me quite paranoid. I have noticed that I am learning to listen to my body a lot more now, and as you know I am a creature of routine, or rather a creature of structure, so it has been difficult to break some of these habits, however I am starting to break them. The worst for me at the moment is the mental bashing I give myself if I feel I have had a bit too much of something, or feel I have had a less than perfect day. Logically I know this is not about perfection but about real life, and up and down, and even though my LLC says I am doing fantastically, I still feel a bit out of whack! Mentally that is.... I am finding it hard knowing most of my other classmates are back in abstinence - lol I should be proud of myself for having a bit of control over Xmas, but omg it just makes me want to go back on the packs. Control seems to be such a major issue for me.. But I suppose I have always used food as control in one way or another. Lol sorry just rambling now, but thank for those fab posts, and the good ideas re the chocolate and eating gum after!!

You cannot beat a good coffee, so we must must meet for one soon <G>



I will do this!
S: 14st9lb C: 13st7lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 29.6 Loss: 1st2lb(7.8%)
great posts again min and some wonderful insight. I love reading the things you and jez write and they give me so much to learn and look forward to. You both have excellent writing styles and I'm grateful the both of you have stuck around here to help us lot (along with BL and SB!).

I'm doing great min, almost 5 stone done and on the last run now. Got 18 lbs to go, and it's getting a little harder as I get closer to the end. The old mind starting to give me child responses, I want to eat now, I look ok, do I really need to abstain? I know the answer to all those questions, and I'm here till the end, to hit my goal and commit to RTM 100%. I have really enjoyed the diet though, found it easier than I had imagined, really loved the simplicity of it all and the feeling of control I have started to learn.

So thanks again, for inspiring me when I started this wonderful journey. x


...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
...I feel a bit out of control today... I feel a bit fat today... I couldn't make myself study, and it all adds up.
Started the day at 7:30, got up... had a lovely breakfast (0% Total, with some raisins and a Ryveta) ... read a journal article... then I had to go to New Scotland Yard to pick up a Met. Volunteering badge... then I came home... and couldn't make myself study at all... hm. All because of a small, wholewheat breadroll that I didn't know the calories of. Isn't that stupid?
I bought a small roll from Morrisons on the way home to have with my tin of chicken noodle soup. I don't officially count calories, but, I keep to a rough guideline for every meal in my head. ... but because I did not know the roll, it made my head start to spaztic out, no matter how much I try to calm it down. REALISTICALLY the roll only constituted a maximum of 130 (gave some of it to my boyfriend)... plus the soup of 120. That's 250-300 TOPS for lunch. ... right? Yes. 180 for breakfast as well. ... Then ... had a tiny taste of boyfriend's crustless quiche out of curiousity - as I've never really eaten quiche before. ... and such a small taste, unscheduled intake of food (OH THE HORROR!!!! - it was UNSCHEDULED!) was another point of spazticking out of my brain. ... I do try to push my boundaries a little, every day, to make my relationship with food go into a more healthy direction... Oh I try. But seems, I failed today?
So this leads to my dinner, which, was a Chickpea Moroccan Tagine with big couscous. I had about a third of the portion with some vegetables and salad... Realistically, again, the WHOOOOLEEEE plate couldn't have been more than 400. ... 450 at most if I really somehow managed to be a little piggy and put too much on my plate. ? ... Then a Total 0% with some pieces of apricot for dessert - 130ish.
So, 1000-1100 ... ....................... yet I freak out and feel out of control. Somehow. Because I stretched my boundary to include something I don't usually allow myself... a little... tiny... wholewheat roll.

Oh deary me.

Blonde Logic

Yes. You can.
S: 258lb C: 228lb G: 168lb BMI: 35.7 Loss: 30lb(11.63%)
I think LS brings up a very valid point about using the term "relationship with food" or viewing it as such.

Speaking for myself, I agree....I no longer like to use that phrase. The old me DID have a relationship with food. It was my best friend for a time, and then it became my enemy, and now it is neither of those.

Now food is sustainance that vast majority of the time, and pleasure the other times. But it is neither my friend or enemy. That was the old me.

Min, saying this with good intent, and a smile on my face and a gentle nudge and giggle to you - build a bridge and get over it. ;) :) It was a wheat roll. It was a few unplanned calories. Its done, and it is not going to make any difference to you or your shape or your size - unless you let it. ;)

I hope you know that I meant his in a supportive way - text does not always translate, but that phrase, build a bridge, is s aphrase SB and me and my group use an awful lot....so it is not meant in a flippant way. :)

We tend to hang onto feelings of panic far too long, and they serve no purpose whatsoever.

Your caloried are still very low - though improved - which is good. But kowing that, logically as I know you do - you know that roll will not make a difference andprobably did you some good nutritionally.

So, a new day - skip the roll, have a peice of fruit today, or something like that - and try not to stress over the things that will not impact you....save your energy for other things.

I look forward to the day that you are not even mentally logging your calories. I think you will feel free and beter for it.

Hang in there!!



...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
You know... I guess I didn't think about it before. Both of you are absolutely right. I shouldn't use the term "relationship with food" to define any sort of connection I have with it... I DO only use food for sustaining myself, and only when I'm hungry - never as a reward or an emotional crutch ... but I guess I can't let go of that enormous hang-up I have about it. I think about it too much maybe because I restrict it so much...? :confused:

The roll wasn't anything extra, I'd usually have a couple of Ryvetas, or a rice cake with my soup anyway, it was just the mere fact that I didn't know what was in it! ...
I was poking fun at myself, more than anything. :D
I was demonstrating to myself... and perhaps to others, how a small ridiculous neurosis - which in the grand scheme of things doesn't even matter at all - can have such dramatic effects.
Those starting RTM will, and will have, gone through extremely similar fears: when they accidentally lick the spoon, or eat an extra grape. Feelings of uncertainty: which can spiral out of control.

It's all part of the learning process I guess. Thank you for highlighting the fact, that I really do need to stop giving food such a central part in my life...! :eek:


...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
I'm doing great min, almost 5 stone done and on the last run now. Got 18 lbs to go, and it's getting a little harder as I get closer to the end. The old mind starting to give me child responses, I want to eat now, I look ok, do I really need to abstain? I know the answer to all those questions, and I'm here till the end, to hit my goal and commit to RTM 100%. I have really enjoyed the diet though, found it easier than I had imagined, really loved the simplicity of it all and the feeling of control I have started to learn.

Oooh wow look at you!! 5 stone down, that’s fantastic!!! I remember your PM when you started, it really doesn’t seem that long ago! I’m truly impressed my dear! I can see though how it can get a little harder as you get nearer to goal, I definitely remember after 10 months of abstinence I got very, very agitated. But – remember, this diet isn’t very painful... there is no harm in going on an extra day (take it one day at a time). Always say, maybe tomorrow I’ll change my mind... Same with other things as well. Sometimes I want to eat or do something VERY MUCH (which I shouldn’t do) – so I say to myself “maybe later”. Of course later I feel differently and have seen sense in sticking to what I needed to do.
Plus, to eliminate the feelings of frustration and (in some cases desperation to finish!) – remember that you can always come back to lose whatever you didn’t, at a later stage. I never reached target the first time I did LL (my losses were always painfully slow). I stopped, did full RTM (it’s IMPORTANT to follow it to the letter all the way through)... had about a month of ‘maintaining’ and then, went back on the plan to finish it off properly – which actually, mentally worked out better for me in the end. I learned a lot more the second time, because I had gained experience of ‘real world’ on the back of the Lighter Life teachings from the first go. I finally SAW what I was doing wrong and had the chance to reassess and fix it.

I KNOW you’ll succeed, you are on the right track! Keep going, keep learning and most of all, keep believing in yourself! :D

Forgive me if I'm out of line here Min as I only delve into the forums from time to time, but I do agree you are restricting yourself too much. I feel like you've gone from totally uncontrolled to absolutely controlled so food is still quite a central part of your life, otherwise you'd not have given that bread roll so much time in your head yesterday, even if you are poking fun at yourself. There's still something there. Then again, I think you know that so I should just shut up :D
Eating for me is now fun. I enjoy it. Like I said to you the other day, I really like some of the CBT and TA stuff you've implemented post RTM but
I think going in a little easier on yourself is going to be good for you. Then again (again!) I get the feeling you are working towards that anyhow, and I'm sure you are going to achieve it.

Heheheh LS. Eating IS fun, I love it. Food is so wonderful! But that’s all it is – just food. I know it is, it’s just that, while I don’t use it for emotional needs, I have unfortunately begun to use it as a control mechanism over the rest of my life. If I can control my food intake, then I can control the rest of my life. It’s a mechanism that started to happen when I lost my grandmother last year, and the only way to cope with the emotional distress was, to eat less. If I ate less, I felt I could control my pain better. ... and then quickly that control took over my studies too. If I can control my portions/food, then I can control and force myself to study and do well. ... if I feel out of control with food, then my brain goes spastic and I feel it’s harder to motivate myself to study. I feel lazy and out of control ... So food, is a general term for all of it, rather than specific emotional responses identifying with specific types of substance.
Hopefully that made some sense, lol! :D But at least I understand the problem... and I am very much trying to get myself out of this loop. I am a creature of structure and routine, so I need to challenge myself and break those rules sometimes and assess how I feel, and go back and tell myself it’s ok.
As much as a panic attack that the bread roll caused a few days ago – it’s fine now. I know that consequently the world did not end! I kept studying, everything was good.
A few months ago I never dreamt I’d be having a bread roll... I never dreamt that I’d ever have muesli or any carbohydrates ever again... but I challenge myself. I have to. I don’t want to die because of this. Sounds DRAMATIC – but it’s true. My body can’t cope with being so painfully thin. I can see my heart beating through my chest, it’s scary. I am honestly scared sometimes, but, I know that I’m doing everything I can to get out without doing too much harm psychologically. One day at a time. One small step in the right direction is all it takes.

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...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
Right... today.

Hm. I wonder why is it that I always still want to eat more, even when I finish my meal? I can feel my stomach is satisfied, I know I don’t need more food, sometimes I even feel quite full. Yet the urge to keep going is so very strong. Of course I don’t go looking for more. I know better than that. I always remember that I have the choice NOT to.
I remember when I felt like I didn’t have that choice – I desperately wanted more food (even when I was at bursting point after a heavy lunch) so I went and kept looking for that thing to satisfy the deep hunger. I think some people will know what that ‘deep hunger’ feels like. It’s not really the same as emotional hunger, and it’s not the same as real hunger... but this deep void, which seems to want to be filled with more food, and usually only comes after you’ve eaten something. The deep, dark voice, whispering ‘more...more...’. ... I wonder what drives that impulse.
Thing is – I do ignore it, I never give in to it. The ‘MorMor’ monster is no longer a huge dark thing, the way I used to describe him months ago. He used to terrify me. Now, he’s quite a small creature, black as night, eyes shining, waiting for a moment to pounce when I’m at my weakest. He sits on my head and is a general pest and nuisance. He’s small enough to brush away, but sticky enough to keep clinging to me and climbing back up. ... So, the MorMor is here to stay, I can accept that. And I will keep brushing him away, and reminding myself, that I have the power to keep doing so.

Remember, power is not always in the action. It’s in the knowledge that only you can control your destiny. You have a choice.

Then the other lovely fuzzy creature is the WanWant. He always wants something sickly and horrible. ... But he’s so small these days, what I GENUINELY have programmed myself to WANT to do and eat – are not bad things anymore. I WANT to study, learn, read, immerse myself in the world of literature and knowledge. I WANT to eat healthily, and I do not want stodgy pies, or sugary snacks, or any other crap pumped full of chemicals and over-processed rubbish. I honestly feel better when I eat wholegrain, unprocessed things which I cook myself. And I do notice the difference when I ingest something with excess chemicals and nasty things in... I feel BAD, and my digestive system noticeably complains!! I feel more hungry on those days, and lethargic. I even naturally stopped drinking diet coke because it just blows me up like a balloon...! I don’t like it....!!!
HOWEVER, as all good things go, there are moments of weakness. Sometimes they happen by convention, due to social pressures. You’re at a party, and something comes up... something you used to love and adore ... in my case: warm, fluffy, freshly baked properly risen bread. It is my weakness!! But I know I can have a little bit and leave the rest – but sometimes, the WanWant gets the better of me, but then, at those points I don’t let him win. .. That’s the important thing – if you “give in” and “give up” - it can very well start off a guilt cycle.
When I accept the WanWant’s wishes I assess the pleasure Vs. consequences ratio, and then, I make an informed decision whether it’s worth indulging on this occasion. If no, then I leave it. If yes, I allow myself to indulge and enjoy the experience. I actively choose to eat or do something. Even if it’s allowing myself a day of leisure and doing my own thing when I should be studying! If I allow myself, it makes me calmer. There is no guilt. Makes life easier, and more pleasurable.

If you’re gonna be “bad” don’t call it “bad”, but just go with the flow. Allow it, and go in with a calm, cool head. Guilt breeds desperation, and desperation breeds over-compulsion and uncertainty. If you remain calm and happy while doing something you “shouldn’t” – you are much more likely to remain rational and stop at a point before any real damage is done to your psychological and physical state.

So... take away this. BREATHE!! CALM BLUE OCEAN! Nothing is EVER as bad as it seems. ;)

But for now... Back to studying I go!

PS. Had THE loveliest breakfast today! Summer Berry Muesli Oat Crunch!

25g Jordan’s Natural Muesli (no added sugar or salt in the product! :D ), 15g Rude Health Puffed Oats (soooo tasty), and frozen summer berries on top. No milk, the berries made it lovely and energizing. Kept me going for absolutely hours! And below 180 cal too. ;) ... yes I shouldn’t be counting, but judging muesli portions ‘by eye’ is extremely tricky, so I still do measure some foods out!
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...we're sinking deeper.
S: 18st7lb C: 11st1lb G: 9st4lb BMI: 26.6 Loss: 7st6lb(40.15%)
Myes.. I have to keep recognizing (I don't want to use the word 'fighting' as it's a negative term) the addictive food desires, and just accept them and move on. Yes they are there, and will always be there, so I just need to remember to be sensible about them... Some days will be harder than others, so... one day at a time. Tomorrow is another day, and maybe tomorrow I'll feel better. That's what I tell myself anyway. Meh.

Either way... today's thought of the day. I definitely see a link between sleep and hunger. When I know I've rested well - I am not hungry all the time. In fact I feel quite full and satisfied all day and can concentrate on getting things done - in fact I don't want to eat much at all. ... which is quite annoying too - because I know I 'should' eat, and I have a small meal at my meal 'times' because I can't afford NOT to eat something. On those days, instead of feeling enormously empty, agitated and unsatisfied, my stomach feels like it's got a piece of lead in it, and it's sooooo heavy inside! Emotionally though, I feel calm and happy.

I'm working on my food intake too... ... I serve myself much less at dinner - I am stripping away the visual bulking of meals (the salad) - I used to need to see the visual portion be big, now ... I'm very happy to have a bit less salad, so that I stop leaving so much of the more calorie dense stuff on the plate when I'm done. Trying to get myself less scared of eating protein and carbohydrates... But it's still difficult. I love legumes, pulses and stuff - so I've been cooking chickpea moroccan tagines, and lentil dhal's, and wonderful chicken dishes (Thai red sweet chilli stir-fries, Japanese Teriyaki; Stews, Casseroles...) ... Been concentrating on nutrition - wide variety of different foods, wholegrains, vitamins, minerals... Watching the sugar and salt, and sat. fat contents in things... It's all quite interesting finding the balance - and real cooked food is so satisfying...! I love it.

However, with all this, I've still seem to have dropped a pound since last week. I'm scared to add more food because I think I eat a good balance. I think I eat enough, yet ... the body seems to think otherwise.

The thing is - I'm scared to GAIN too - as much as I actually NEED to. What is it with weight?? I feel generally ok. But my chest does seem to hurt a little sometimes. A sort of emptiness descends over my lungs and heart and pushes down. ...

When my weight fluctuates +1 or +2, I actually don't panic, because the body naturally does that. ... and technically speaking I know I have at least most of my 'water weight' back on because my tummy space feels quite 'solid' as opposed to empty and hollow (as it does when on Lighter Life - something I do NOT miss!). I like it feeling a bit more solid and substantial. I actually have more energy to LIVE now. My brain is not fuzzy, I'm not in a constant mind-haze like I used to be. ... except when I get extremely hungry of course and I'd been working for a long time.

And it's also quite funny how - when sugar/sweets are not consumed, even a little has the strongest effects? ... My boyfriend and I do the 'Chocolate Tasting Club' thing, on certain days (not every day - once every 2 or 3 days we taste ONE truffle each!)... and savour it over a few minutes, tasting every morsel of this wonderfully hand-piped glory and score them out of 10. Makes chocolate actually MEAN something ... it's something fun we do together. :D ... however, I very much experience a severe sugar-crash about 20-30 minutes later. My mind goes fuzzy and I get very hungry. I wait until dinner, but it becomes a real stuggle to do so! ... But, I guess it is quite educational to see the effects of a treat, even small as a truffle is - to have such huge consequences, inducing lethargy and extreme hunger pangs!

Meh, either way, I wish everyone a good week ahead!