pesty
Fighting the bulge
I think its about time i told someone how im feeling. Keeping it to myself is doing severe damage to my mood and well being. So i'll start from the beginning...
A week before xmas i had a call from my dad who lives a 2 hour drive away in kent. He told me he'd been diagnosed with throat cancer and an operation was being carried out immediately. Obviously i was devestated to say the least. My grandma currently has skin cancer and my mum recovered from womb cancer a few years ago, cancer is no stranger to me but i know how many people dont recover and the thought of going through with my dad what i am a going through with my mum was too much for me.
I didnt cry on the phone when he told me, i think it upset him a bit as he explained when he told my sister that she had been in peices. Its not because im cold, but i've always had to be the strong one in the family. When my mum was diagnosed i had to take car of my baby brother so it hardened me a bit especially as when somethings wrong everyone looks to me, if im upset then its really bad - my dad recalled that he hasnt seen me cry since i was 11 years old.
I grew up in a pub so i suppose i learnt how to put on a show of happiness to the punters even if it wasnt how i was feeling inside.
Anyway, my dads operation went ahead and after a 12 hour surgery he couldnt talk and had staples from his chin to the bottom of his rib cage. I drove to canterbury hospital the first week id passed my driving test to see him and was tryin to make conversation but just looking at him i could feel my eyes welling up, he wasnt really with it from the medication and couldnt eat on his own and had to be fed through a tube. I left the hospital and just collapsed on my OH, the first time i'd cried so you can imagine all the emotion running out of me was exhausting.
Since then he has recovered well, we've recieved another call explaining that they have found 3 more lumps, theyve tried to fit a feeding clip but his operation failed. They're going to start his radiation today anyway, and if he becomes incapable of eating they're going to have to fit the tube another way.
I had the funeral of my aunt last week, who also died due to cancer spreading. She went in for the op to have it removed and they told her she had 3 days to live. It makes things with dad that more scary.
My uncle had his testicular cancer removed yesterday aswell so as you can imagine i have a very full plate and to be honest i thought i was just letting it go over my head.
I dont remember the last time i spoke to anyone about how i was feeling and i can feel myself slipping further and further away from my OH, bickering arguments and general feeling im slipping away from myself. I just dont care about anything.
Last night i went to my OHs and sat on the sofa as usual. Only he put his arm around me and the feeling of comfort was too much, I cried - hard - for about 2 hours straight. It actually felt like such a release, as does writing this now.
Im sorry this is such a long post and i know there's nothing anyone can say to make it better, but just to know that i've told someone is somehow helping.
So thanks for listening
xxxx
A week before xmas i had a call from my dad who lives a 2 hour drive away in kent. He told me he'd been diagnosed with throat cancer and an operation was being carried out immediately. Obviously i was devestated to say the least. My grandma currently has skin cancer and my mum recovered from womb cancer a few years ago, cancer is no stranger to me but i know how many people dont recover and the thought of going through with my dad what i am a going through with my mum was too much for me.
I didnt cry on the phone when he told me, i think it upset him a bit as he explained when he told my sister that she had been in peices. Its not because im cold, but i've always had to be the strong one in the family. When my mum was diagnosed i had to take car of my baby brother so it hardened me a bit especially as when somethings wrong everyone looks to me, if im upset then its really bad - my dad recalled that he hasnt seen me cry since i was 11 years old.
I grew up in a pub so i suppose i learnt how to put on a show of happiness to the punters even if it wasnt how i was feeling inside.
Anyway, my dads operation went ahead and after a 12 hour surgery he couldnt talk and had staples from his chin to the bottom of his rib cage. I drove to canterbury hospital the first week id passed my driving test to see him and was tryin to make conversation but just looking at him i could feel my eyes welling up, he wasnt really with it from the medication and couldnt eat on his own and had to be fed through a tube. I left the hospital and just collapsed on my OH, the first time i'd cried so you can imagine all the emotion running out of me was exhausting.
Since then he has recovered well, we've recieved another call explaining that they have found 3 more lumps, theyve tried to fit a feeding clip but his operation failed. They're going to start his radiation today anyway, and if he becomes incapable of eating they're going to have to fit the tube another way.
I had the funeral of my aunt last week, who also died due to cancer spreading. She went in for the op to have it removed and they told her she had 3 days to live. It makes things with dad that more scary.
My uncle had his testicular cancer removed yesterday aswell so as you can imagine i have a very full plate and to be honest i thought i was just letting it go over my head.
I dont remember the last time i spoke to anyone about how i was feeling and i can feel myself slipping further and further away from my OH, bickering arguments and general feeling im slipping away from myself. I just dont care about anything.
Last night i went to my OHs and sat on the sofa as usual. Only he put his arm around me and the feeling of comfort was too much, I cried - hard - for about 2 hours straight. It actually felt like such a release, as does writing this now.
Im sorry this is such a long post and i know there's nothing anyone can say to make it better, but just to know that i've told someone is somehow helping.
So thanks for listening
xxxx