My Journey on LL: The ramblings of an October starter

Discussion in 'Lighter Life Forum' started by Angiebobanji, 25 November 2008 Social URL.

  1. Angiebobanji

    Angiebobanji Member

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    I've decided to start my own thread after reading lots of other ones on LL. I started LL in October on the 23rd. I've started a writing journal but I think I'll use this as my on-line journal (I've been inspired by BlondLogic).
    I've got WI tonight and it'll be my week 6. Another 8 weeks to go!!

    It's been very hard. I KNOW I'm to abstain from food 100% but I haven't. I've nibbled now and then and even had actual meals. I feel as though I'm at contsant odds with myself. I fell off big style this week. It kicked off when I was in the shopping centre trying on frocks for a party in December. Size 14 was far too big and a size 12 was just a little too tight. Plus nothing really looked good one me, I felt like that I looked DUMPY. I'm 5'3 and dresses (even short ones) don't look very good on my frame. I got really upset and wanted to run to the nearest KFC I didn't but I ended up cracking by the end of the day and had some salmon and cabbage. AUGH!! I know my resolve isn't strong enough at the moment so I've blocked all food from my line of vision for the next week until I get firmly back on the LL wagon.

    My issues:
    -If I don't don't have my packs or miss some of them, I tell myself it's OK to eat
    Solution: Have ALL my packs, this way there is no excuse.

    -Listening to my AC/RC and my Parent chatter box instead of my Adult self.
    Solution: Acknowlege my AC/RC and Parent self then follow my Adult voice.

    I often wonder how many others on LL have hiccups in their journey...
    Any wisdom is welcomed!

    Todays thoughts...

    If hunger is not the problem then eating is not the solution!
    I feel optimistic today. I'm almost halfway there and have lost 18 lbs and my BMI is 27. When I see this, I know I haven't failed, it's just taking me a little longer to reach my target. I'm at odds with myself over my trip to Canada in late Jan 09. It's the first time I'm going to be seeing my family for over a year. By that point I'll (hopefully!) just started my RTM.
    BUT.
    My trips back home involves lots of eating - my entire family LOVES food but are all tiny (I think I must be adopted!!) but I suppose they eat very healthy food i.e. sushi (sashimi), veggy-based meals, very little meat and loads of seafood. I think back and realize I gained the bulk of my weight when I moved to the UK (loads of stodgy food) My BMI was normal when I lived in Canada. So do I eat when I'm in Canada?? I keep thinking if I eat when I'm there for the two weeks then when I come back on, do the abstainence for a month then RTM, it'll be OK. Is this crooked thinking? Plus I'll be snowboarding every other day...

    On a side note...
    I can't WAIT to see the look on my mum's face when she sees me in a pair of size 8 jeans! My sister was with me when I bought a pair of leather boots last year that I couldn't zip up and again - I can't wait to see her face when I've got those boots on!!

    MmMmmm.... drinking PU-er tea at the moment and I swear it's better then coffee!!

    Better get back to work - or I'll be here all night!!
     
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  3. slendablenda

    slendablenda Gold Member

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    Read BLs post

    BL has been back to the States twice. The first visit she planned like a military campaign and abstained completely taking 2 weeks packs with her.
    She'll give you sound advice.
    I'm sure it's the best way or you are in danger of sabotaging all your good work so far.
    Good luck.:break_diet:
     
  4. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    My ears were burning!! :D

    Hi angie :)

    The first trip back home was in May, and I was in abstainanace. It was actually a month long trip and I brough 4 weeks packs with me - filled an entire carry on!! BUt I did it - and attended some veryimportant parties, summer BBQ's family gatherings, baseball games, etc., and stuck to the diet 100%. It was a challenge - but the feeling of empowerment I had when I completed it successfully, and the 20 pounds I lost while on hols in America was the BEST thing I have done for myself!

    I am now in RTM and jut returned from a 2 week visit, where I again stuck to the diet, allowed myself a few luxury's (lattes/cappucinos) and only put on3 pounds, which for me feels as successful as losing 20 in abstainance!!

    So - it CAN be done. And I reccomend you do NOT plan to lapse and then get back on abstainanace when you return. Its VERY difficult for people to do that. I have only seen one or two here who managed that. All others struggled and ended up gaining - just not worht it for one visit in my mind.

    Its about seeing your firends and family, not seeing their food. Stick to your plan - this is what you are doing for you. Your family needs to understand and not sabatoge - if they try have a heart to heart and explain the way this diet works, and the importance of reaching your goal.

    When you return, one month more abstainance could easily turn in to two months of struggling to get back on, and putting weight back on.

    There will be other trips where you can eat, and while you abstain inf front of your friends and family, they will see and understand your determination and should be supportive.

    Good luck to you!!! Remember you are doing this for YOU, so do what works best for you - but I can tell you, pretty confidently - if you go off the plan and eat - you will be upset by the weight gain. If you stay 100%, you will be elated with the weight loss. So, whats the question again? ;)

    Have fun! And good luck!!! (And thanks for managing my diary!! :D)

    xx
     
  5. Angiebobanji

    Angiebobanji Member

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    Thanks for the advice ladies...

    The week I leave for Canada will be the week I'll be on RTM. I suppose it wouldn't hurt to stick to abstainanace for another two weeks. That'll just remove to choice to eat anything.

    I think it's quite sad for me to see that I'm more excited about the thought of eating then I am at the thought of seeing my family and friends - this isn't healthy behaviour.
    SEE! I knew this journal was a good idea! I would've never thought that about myself for an instant.

    I'm not going to tell my family about LL. I'm not in a place where I feel comfortable telling them about it yet.

    I suppose it's catching up with my friends over coffee rather then over meals, I can handle that. But what of my meals with family? I can only have so many tummy aches and pushing grains of rice in my bowl...I don't have a problem with having my soup/shakes in front of them. Then again, I can always say I've just been out with so-n-so and ate loads and can only manage some soup...it'll be hard on my mum. She loves cooking for me and shows her love by it (like many other cultures - I'm Chinese - we're not known in my family for expressing love any other way). And I'll be smaller then, I can just point out I just don't need to eat as much for my smaller self.

    I just hope I can put this into action. If I can resist and not be tempted by food in such a 'dangerous' situation, then I know I'm ready to go on RTM when I get back. If I feel weak...then it was the right move to stay on abstainanace during my visit and then continue when I get back. LOL is this what the green book refers to as the 'Adult' way of thinking??

    By January I will have moved from 'I hope I can put this into action' to 'I will put this into action and remain in abstainanace for the next two weeks so I can start RTM when I get back'

    The LLC wasn't joking when she said it was all going to be about me for the next few months (well, she said that it was going to be about ourselves to ourselves) I was a little bit worried about appearing selfish but after last night, I don't care. I'm going to be selfish for my journey, I need to be. I've cared about what other people thought/felt for most of my life, why do I do that? Why do I value myself so little and put others first? Really?!?! It makes me angry to see this about myself. Perhaps it's time to feel angry instead of smoothing things over. You know, not 'rocking the boat'... This must be the middle child syndrome, the peace maker...Don't be any trouble...etc..

    These behaviours that have been drummed into me since childhood has carried on into adulthood. I know I'm a bit of a doormat at work - 'Oh, no trouble I can do that' or, 'Of course I can do that for you' and all the while I'm thinking, 'NO, I have my OWN work to do, find another chump!' Of course I would never say that, not in that way anyways but it's about time I grow a back bone, eh?? Again, it's the whole 'Don't be bother anyone' mind set - but now I can see I have an issue, I'm going to do my bit of bothering people, I'm worth the time and effort. I. AM. WORTHY.

    And I really need a pee...this 4 ltrs of water this is the ONLY easy thing on LL!
     
  6. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Man, do I understand that comment! I was exactly the same way, my entire life! Untill now.

    That really does change.

    And looking after your health and happiness is far from selfish - keep reminding yourself that.

    It's not selfishness - it is your RIGHT.

    Hang tough - keep thinking it through.

    I can only speak of my experiences, and there is no concrete right or wrong - you do whatever suits you best.

    Good luck!!!
     
  7. Angiebobanji

    Angiebobanji Member

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    Christmas is fast approaching, all my presents are wrapped and this time last year I was in Canada - eating - LOTS. This year I'm sitting in front of my PC in a size 8 top. I'm pleased with the path I've chosen but I know I have very far to go.

    I've just read Anna's post on lapses and it echos eerily of what I've been feeling. I've eaten almost everyday this past week and I'm only on week 10. I recogonise how much better I feel when I'm sticking to the shakes but I don't have the same motivation I had when I first started. I'm getting loads of strokes and even some pink marshmallows ('you look great! don't lose too much now') which doesn't help. I've got WI tonight, I don't know what to say to my LLC. She's great but I just don't know what to tell her. I'm bored of LL but I know want to continue, I want to finish it. I refuse to stop until I can handle and see food in a healthy way ie for nourishment before enjoyment.

    I'm bored and not motivated and goodness, I sound sooo whiney!
     
  8. Blonde Logic

    Blonde Logic Yes. You can.

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    Well, it would make sense to tell her exactly what you just wrote, as thats how you are feeling - and thats what she has to know, if she is going to be able to help you.
     
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