My Second Half of Development and Beyond Diary

[Juliakno]

Thanks Whatsnewpussycat and Helen!! I need all the motivation I can get to keep me going. And I know what you mean Helen about getting into the mindset of surely it must be ok to slip because everyone else is... that's why I am always in two minds of how much information to include on those "bad" days. But it is defnintely possible to claim some of the pre-slip up territory back, it's just really hard work.... I did manage yesterday, yipeeehhh, I actually felt really full after my thai chilli AND the rest of my banana shake, so that was nice and kept me from wanting to nibble anything before going to bed. No idea how it happened that I had so much left to eat, I am normally pretty much like clockwork with my shakes, but it did make a nice change.

Today I am doing well so far, 2 litres of water and 1 pack. The challenge will come this afternoon, as my daughter will have some friends over for tea, my poor son doesn't (as his best friend is busy) and throw the little on in for good measure and I know it's going to be chaos, so I have to think of some strategies now to keep me on the straight and narrow. I think it will involve a lot of coffee, which in turn will probably keep me up all night but eyh, I can't have it all....

On a different topic, I really notice my body changing at the moment almost on a daily basis. Not necessarily in the way I would like it to though. My breasts seem to disappear in the bra I just bought a week ago (now what does that tell me????), my tummy still looks massive, although my size 14 jeans now fit me very comfortably. My face is getting all wrinkly and is starting to look quite thin overall. Why oh why is my body just so reluctant to let go of my middle section????? I hope this will balance out over the next few months, as LLC has always warned us that the body will need time to catch up with the rapid weight loss.

One more week until my birthday, yipeeh, and that lovely dress that is hiding in my wardrobe to be taken out....

 

[Juliakno]

I am currently thinking about this afternoon and how to abstain in the midst of chaos. Afternoons are a dangerous time for me at the best of times. I think I will use some visualisation techniques to keep me going. My old before pictures are in my bedroom so I also shall try and have a look at them every time I need to pop to the loo (which will be a lot with all that coffee….)

I am only about 1stone away from management and every time I put something into my mouth I prolong this journey, which I really don't want to prolong at all… It's as though I can see the finish line (actually literally trying to visualise it) and there is no turning back now, all I need to do is keep on "running" for that little bit longer.

Also I know I can do 7 days of abstaining no matter what (after all I've been doing it for over 100 days!!!) So it will be a mind over matter thing, and hopefully teaches me a thing or two about how to deal with the upcoming weekend. I will have to plead with DH again that he will take over the cooking and just stay out of the kitchen as much as possible….

Oh, well, afternoon here I come (the weather doesn't help, it's raining cats and dogs here). So far 3 litres and 2 packs.

 

[Juliakno]

Wow, that was actually quite easy this afternoon. I really have to give myself a pat on the back!!!! it's all in the mindset and in mentally preparing myself for the situation. I had a nice vanilla coffee (made in my blender so it ended up being really frothy) whilst making the kids dinner and as I only needed half the pack to do so, had some vanilla-type porridge ( thanks to the psyllium husks) about an hour later when I started to feel peckish again. The kids had a great time and I just felt so happy that I didn't have any big urges to nibble on any of the leftover food or treat I bought for them.

IT CAN BE DONE!!! This is one victory on my way to reach goal!!! I have actually also already drunk 4.5 litres of water, and in a minute will make my thai chilli crisps with some more water. I am sort of speechless and chuffed with myself and although I know that tomorrow will throw up new battles, this has really given me a big boost. I just want to get through this weekend without cheating!!!

 

[Juliakno]

Well, what can I say….I need to get a life… We had our new washing machine delivered earlier today, and I was as excited as a little kid in a toy shop. I am currently doing the 3rd load. I just love pressing all those buttons and see it whirl into action. Sad really but after 3 weeks without a machine and tiresome trips to the laundrette I quite enjoy washing at home.

LL wise I am quite pleased with myself. Yesterday went really well with staying abstinent, and today I didn’t do too bad either bearing in mind it’s a Saturday. I am a bit low on water, so I need to catch up on that now, which means lots of trips to the loo tonight….

I actually managed not to eat today, which is brilliant, the only minor slip-up I have to admit it that I had a skinnichino (yes, you guessed coffee with some skimmed milk in it) whilst meeting friends this afternoon. They all had hot chocolates, and cakes and the kids had some chips, so all in all I am happy with how I dealt with it, although I will have to look into why I felt I needed any milk at all in my coffee rather than have it black. Now technically this is not being 100% abstinent but bearing in mind the lapses over the last couple of weekends I take it and am not beating myself up over a teeny bit of skimmed milk. Maybe I give myself half a smillie for today….

 

[Juliakno]

How do I give myself half a smilie
Oh, well, rolling eyes it has to be then

 

[Juliakno]

Oh, where to start… (this might be rather long)

First things first, when I woke up this morning I couldn’t breathe properly, every time I tried breathing in I had this excruciating pain just under my left breastbone, and it really freaked me but as I suffer from ribcage inflammation (which when bad can have symptoms like a heart attack) I managed to stay calm. About 3 years ago (before I know I had said inflammation) I had a similar attack (was checked out at hospital and thankfully my heart was ok but they didn’t know what caused the pain back then), so I managed to keep some form of control over my fears. DH had to come home from work and bring the kids to school, while I rested in bed and then he brought me to the GP who checked me over and thankfully said my heart and lungs are fine so it must be the muscular inflammation. Gosh, was I relieved.

Since then I have been resting, and had a hot bath, trying not to lift or do anything and it has got a lot better. DH just left to do the school-run and I am just grateful to have some time to relax. I suppose fluffing about and singing for 5 hours with my chorus yesterday while I already could feel my back hurting must have brought on the attack, so I will just have to take it easy for the next couple of days, which mean no housework…(looking for the positive)

Now regarding yesterday…. That’s a whole different story. There are so many thoughts going round in my head. I don’t really know where to start. This almost sounds like a repetitive pattern every Monday morning?! Without going into food details, I didn’t manage to stay abstinent yesterday. I have been feeling really cold, miserable and at times dizzy all throughout the last couple of days, and while being at my rehearsal could feel my energy levels going downhill rapidly. I mentally wrestled for about two hours with myself about a) whether to have a tea with milk in it to give me an energy boost and b) whether to have a bit of the cake that someone had brought along. Then I decided to have some tea and I had a tiny slither (more a leftover) of the cake and I have to say that within half an hour I felt almost normal again (whatever that feels like…) Now I was actually quite pleased with myself as at the time it didn’t trigger any feelings of “more” or “oh, I’ve blown it, so what…”

Then when I got home I had trigger mania thrown at me, and just didn’t know how to deal with it. My daughter had one of her "moments", and it really hurt me inside to see her behaving like that. She is such a wonderful person but all over the place at the moment and unfortunately she says things which can be quite worrying for me as a mother, and which I will need find ways and strategies to help her deal with her anger and frustration. Then son moaned about dinner (again…) and tiredness did the rest to push me over the edge. What was weird was that for the first time since starting the diet I actually ate carb-based foods. Now if I would have had the stamina to tell other half that I want to eat and this is what I am going to do I probably would have felt a bit more in control, but I still did it in secret so I obviously did feel guilty about eating it. If I had declared that I was going to eat something I might actually have eaten less (if that makes sense).

Last night’s episode has triggered a lot of thoughts as to why I wanted to eat and also raised the question again as to how long I want to carry on doing this. I don’t know whether it is crooked thinking or whether it really is the case that my body is feeling tireder now than at the start of the programme. I feel dizzy at times and just wonder generally whether it’s time to start eating “officially” again rather than feeling like a naughty schoolgirl when eating… I would like to go down to my goal (being a size 12) and I am soooo close but wonder whether starting management now would get me there (albeit a bit slower). I have committed myself until Wednesday so am back in the swing of things today, and then review the situation with LLC (who is absolutely wonderful and supportive in dealing with my issues)

Funnily (probably helped by my freaky morning) I haven’t suffered any withdrawal consequences or cravings yet from last night’s episode, I actually only had one pack so far and about 3 litres of water, so I am hopeful that if I can stay abstinent the next 3 days, I will have lost something at Wednesdays weigh in.

I don’t know whether it would make any difference or not but I would like to be in ketosis (which I would guess I am not at present thanks to last night) when I start management so probably will try and do another week to get myself there but I think my development days are slowly coming to an end. I am almost at that happy place size wise, a place I never thought achievable 5 months ago, and am so grateful to have found LL. Please anyone who is struggling, hang in there!! It’s so worth it. Today, the GP (not my usual one) didn’t even mention the weight and that is with me still having a BMI of 28!!!!

I am getting nervous though about the possibility of starting management and then having to maintain. But I am also excited, oh well back to bed now for a little while

 

[kitkatkin]

Julia,

I completely identify with where you are at mentally at the moment. I had a similar weekend which has really left me with doubts about how much longer I can carry on in abstinence and whether I would be better going onto management and lose the rest of my weight there. I have decided to stick it out for three more weeks until I go on holiday and then see how I feel. I have got myself into a vicious vortex of weighing myself on my own scales everyday and then getting so depressed if the weight has stayed the same. I have therefore decided to get my husband to hide the scales so I cannot go on them. Its the only way I am going to stay sane and motivated I think.

 

[Juliakno]

Funny you mention the scals Kitkankin... on good days I have no problem not to jump on them and tell myself that I will only get weighed once a week, but as soon as I have one of those bad days I am up on those scales trying to find out what damage I have done with my eating, it's my crutch so to speak and I still have to work on that but I am better than I used to be, I don't want to be ruled by the numbers anymore but more go by how I feel in myself and in my body...

Yesterday ended up being an okish day in the end, in as far I "only" sneaked in a little bit of food at the very end of the day, and then left it at that. I woke up in the middle of the night though feeling really hungry, I actually forgot what that felt like and I only have myself to blame for it. I suppose it was thanks to my eating on Sunday, it just shows what a powerful thing carbs are, they knocked me out of ketosis straight away.

So I am having some withdrawal symptoms today but so far I am managing. I had 2.5 litres of water and 2 packs so far. The danger time will be later in the evening and I have to think of strategies now to keep me distracted and busy, especially as I still don't feel 100% anyway, my back still feels really tight, and I can see a million and one things that needs doing in the house but I can't and it sort of bothers me. I think any type of work would keep me distracted at the moment.

also I should really be doing my LL homework but I just can't get myself to do it. It's called the "miracle day", basically a day we wake up and all the problems/the things that brought us to LL have miraculously been solved, and what would it feel/be like, what's different about us, what would other people notice about us etc. I just don't want to do this, no idea why. I think there must be more to it than just being tired. Maybe I should just go to bed and think about it as that's normally where I have my lightbulb moments (no wonder I am tired with the amount of time I spend thinking in bed....)

 

[kitkatkin]

I spoke to my counsellor last night - and she actually thinks I mgiht be scared of getting to goal.. I have also made myself do a thought record which really helped and also wrote a list of what i have achieved on LL so far. Hubby had hidden the scales and consequently today i feel so motivated.

 

[Juliakno]

Well, I finally have my head screwed on again the right way... The "withdrawal" symptoms have left me and I feel more positive again about being able to manage this last leg. I was fighting the battle of battles with myself over the last couple of days, and am just pleased that despite this I managed to keep some form of control over myself.

I actually forced myself to do that "miracle day" excercise yesterday. For me it involved thinking back to those pre LL days and to try and remember how I felt and why I was so desparate to try this diet. It's scary how easy it is to forget and thinking back has really helped me to refocus. I can only recommend doing this.

It's good to realise how many of those issues have changed or are in the process of changing, especially on the health/physical side. I felt so rotten and ill and old and down at the start of the year. My blood pressure has been absolutely normal now for the last couple of months and even my bad back shows some signs of improvement.

The things that will take longer to tackle are the emotional issues. One thing I wrote down was that I will have a more relaxed/positive outlook on things rather than the all-or-nothing-thinking I am so familiar with. And the great thing is that I am getting there slowly but surely, now that doesn't mean that I will never get caught out by my old way but now it's more a 50/50 rather than constant "woe is me..." and be more confident in my abilities, which I can also say is happening slowly but surely. I am putting myself "out there" a bit more. I think up until now I didn't actually really know me (if that makes sense) so I am on a journey of discovery. Before I was only "fat", now I can be so many things...

Not too confident about tonight's weigh in but I deal with that tonight.

So far 1.75 litres of water and no packs. But I can hear a nutcrunch bar calling me now...

 

[Juliakno]

Yessssssssss, a good weightloss (3lbs) and a victory over my voices to report.

Yesterday I was all set up for disaster. On the way to my chorus rehearsal I bought myself a coffee and a bag of nuts .Why on earth did I buy it?? In hindsight possibly to give me something low carb to “fall” back on in case I had not lost any weight. But of course I couldn’t see it at the time. I just had the usual excuses of being tired and possibly wanting to have some food later on in the evening so I’d do damage limitation by having some low carb food in the house (as cupboards are pretty empty at the moment, which generally suits me fine).

Anyhow, these nuts then were on my mind all through rehearsal (which I just had to watch as back still not brilliant), on the way to the meeting, during the meeting, and on the way home… Then something amazing happened. Once home, and after a quick chat with DH about my weightloss, and the plan for the next week, I MADE a decision, basically I can have the nuts if I really wanted to BUT I am going to have my last pack first and see whether I still want them afterwards. And I never even opened the bag…which still sits in the cupboard unopened now.

Now to be honest I don’t know whether the story would have been any different if I hadn’t lost any weight but I don’t want to dwell on that. I felt so good about myself. Especially as this was the first time that I actually consciously went out to buy myself something to nibble on rather than just eating bits and pieces generally whilst preparing food, and then to actually end up saying “no, thank you” was great!!!!

And oh yumm, my LLC did have the new bars and they are scrumptious!!! I got 3 cranberry and 4 nut ones and really enjoyed one with a nice coffee for breakfast this morning. I hope the new flavours will help me to stay focussed this week

 

[Juliakno]

Gosh, has it been this long since I last posted....

I have to hang my head in shame, I put on 3lbs at my meeting yesterday, and I won't cry or moan or anything, basically I only have myself to blame. As disappointed as I was that it was 3lbs, I did expect a gain as I had eaten all day yesterday. I somehow lost the plot and didn't care for anything.

Now I am pleased to say that today is another day, and I have set myself a target of losing 7lbs in the next two weeks. The main thing for me this week will be to get back into ketosis. Today feels very much like going back to basics, 4 packs, 4 (hopefully 5) litres of water and that's that. I expect to feel bad by tomorrow and hope to be back in ketosis by Sunday. I asked my LL to catch up with me a few times over the next week to keep me focused and she was more than happy to do so. She is really supportive and we have decided that I will go into management after those two weeks, and now that it is finally official I am actually getting nervous about it.

There are a number of reasons (I talked them through with other half and LLC) which have led to the decision to start management at the end of the month. One of the main one was that although I almost fit into size 12 clothes you wouldn’t believe it if you saw me in the nude… My tummy and legs are just so flabby that I think I still must look like at least an 18 when there are no trousers to hold me in place. So I decided that I will join a gym and tone up. I had a look at some and on the weekend found one I really liked, it has a crèche and pool and basically everything else, which of course means that it comes at a price, and there is no way in the world that we could afford paying for it whilst I am still doing development. Another reason being is that we really feel the effect of the money now and don’t know how much longer we can fork out £66 per week, and I’d rather finish properly with management than being forced to just suddenly stop.

I have had one rollercoaster of emotions and food and everything else over the weekend and all I can do now is reflect on it and learn from it for the future. I found out that me and sugar just don’t mix, and probably for the first time realised the powerful reaction sugar has on my body. I basically had some dark chocolate last Friday (in an attempt of damage limitation – as if) and within half an hour developed such a bad headache and pains in my body that I actually needed to lie down. I think I could actually feel my body desperately trying to level out the blood sugar levels, as it sent me signals to keep on eating to somehow get some control back. Sounds weird but that was exactly how it felt and it was what I tried to do by way of some crackers and cheese. When I finally had a pear a few hours later, it settled down somewhat and the cravings suddenly left me. Well, at least I can take away something from that experience, and when I am back in the world of food properly know I will have to be very careful around sweet things.

So here is my revised master plan: To end development at my meeting on 24/10/07 and go into management. To sign up for the gym at start of November, paid for by some of the money saved from going into management, and learn how to maintain my then weight AND to set myself some new goals (not weight related). I want to avoid the falling-into-a-black-hole feeling once the weightloss is not a main goal in my life anymore, which TBH it has been for the best part of my life, so a lot of reeducation to be done there

Onwards and Upwards

 

[Juliakno]

Yesterday was a good day. I managed to get back into abstinence and drank about 5 litres of water :happy036:. It's funny how relatively easy it seems once the head is in the right place again. The day before I just couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel and now suddenly I seem fine again. I developed the dreaded headache during the afternoon, probably the carbs withdrawal but have been feeling ok so far today.

The weekend is looming and I am just soo happy that we have lots of things to do, which basically means I will not have to spent oodles of time in the kitchen being tempted but will, like in the early days of LL, plan my day, which packs to bring to where and just get on with things. I know I will have to find proper coping mechanisms for when those danger times hit me, but I have just now realised that this is something that I need to leave until management, as there is not much point in trying to deal with some of the food issues whilst actually not eating. I think what the abstinence phase of LL is brilliant for is that it actually revealed a lot of the triggers and dangers to me but as the rule was "no food other than the packs" it didn't really give me a chance to change around those triggers. Yes, I did manage to distract myself from those situations but the urge to do exactly the same thing I always did was/is still there, and in a way the bad week I had helped me to realise this in a painful way. I can only really start tackling and re-educate myself once I am allowed back into the world of food in a few weeks time. It feels like actually management will be only the beginning of the journey rather than the end of it and I am getting rather nervous but also excited about it.

On a different note, I am getting really cheesed off lately by more and more people telling me that surely I will/or should stop now as obviously I have lost enough. Now I understand that in their eyes, keeping in mind how huge I was before, I must seem like a different person, but the reality of it is that I am still in size 14 clothes and definitely have a fair amount of fat to spare (especially round my tummy). In a funny sort of way that almost spurs me on. It's probably my rebellious child saying "who are you to tell me what to do???" So for the time being I will actually use this to my advantage and for a change not tell the rebellious child to keep quiet..., any help is welcomed to keep me going for the next couple of weeks.

So far I had 2.75 litres of water, and 1 pack. I will have a nice hot bowl of soup in a minute. I couldn't get any of the new bars this week, as LLC had run out but now I am actually quite pleased about this. It really feels like back to basics now with only my nutcrunch and lemon bar to munch on (I didn't like any of the other bars). The new bars are almost too yummy…(but only almost )

 

[Juliakno]

Oh what a week it has been! The emotional roller coaster really put me through the paces but I am still hanging in there and trying to take as much positives from it all as I possibly can.

I was absolutely focused and abstinent for 4 ½ days, probably back into ketosis and in the swing of things and then it was my son's birthday party… We had some of his friends over and brought them to the cinema to see Ratatouille, and I was so proud of myself. I sat through the film with my bar and the water and felt really smug, only to blow it the minute I was left alone in the kitchen to deal with the birthday tea and the CAKE… Afterwards I just wrecked and wrecked my brain and was desperately trying to figure out why I actually caved in and ate the cake (of all things… it obviously knocked me straight out again.)

The only thing I could come up with in the end was that for one I wanted to be part of the whole thing, which somehow included eating some of my son's birthday cake and also falling back on my old stress relief while I was running around trying to keep everyone happy while getting the food ready. I really need to figure out something else I can do in those moments when I am stressed and stuck in the kitchen, I think I might try to settle for a nice cup of tea once I am on management and see if that will help me to keep away from just wanting something to eat, especially round that time of day. Funnily one thing I always tell my kids is "no, you don't need to eat something now, dinner will be ready in 5 minutes…" Talk about practicing what you preach:ashamed0005:…, I forever seemed to have put something in my mouth just before dinner pre LL. So this is something to work on for me.

Yesterday was really hard and I was absolutely fed up with it, combined with feeling £*$% thanks to being back at square 1 ketosis wise and I was about to chuck it all in but somehow by the evening and after a rant about how fed up I am to DH (poor sould dosen't know what to do with my mood swings half the time), I am determined now to not change the deadline agreed by me and LLC but to give it my all for the next week.

On a sort of light bulb moment though: I was thinking back over the last couple of weeks of development and it dawned on me that actually I am learning and practicing changed habits around food (albeit prematurely, I know, I should not have eaten anything until management…). But it somewhat comforts me that I am able to get myself back on track after the lapses, and what I am learning from this is that one bad day doesn't mean I can use this as an excuse for another bad day and so on. I now can analyse what has happened and why a lot better than previously, I can file it away in my mind and then look forward without having to panic or to give in to the chatter box which still tries to tell me to go on and eat as I have broken the diet anyway now.

In the end this will have to be about a whole new outlook on life/food and my behaviour around it, and TBH I never expect that I will be 100% at all times and never get tempted by that extra cake or whatever it might be. I will happily settle for being good most of the time and to deal with the challenges as and when they arise.

I am sort of looking forward to tonight's weigh in as I hope that despite Monday's blip I will have lost something and then it is the last week of development and as my LLC said to me on the phone yesterday "it's time to get you excited about management now." And boy, am I excited to finally get there.

 

[Juliakno]

I am just sooo excited!!! Ignore what I wrote in my last post about management.... I have officially as of yesterday started management and I am just so happy. It really felt like the right time to do this, and even my weird food craving I had literally up to the LL meeting seem to have vanished the second I decided to move forward into management.

I find it just such a relief to be able to officially eat again. I have been given the books and there is just soo much information to take in.

My tuna steak is waiting in the kitchen to be seasoned with some pepper and then cooked in some mariegold stock and I am just sooo excited that I will be able to eat with my kids at the dinner table tonight.

Now, I said I am in management since yesterday but yesterday sort of went a bit off plan... thanks to being at a birthday party, that dreaded cake again... The reason why I am not too panicky about this is that keeping in mind my last couple of weeks struggles I probably would have had that food anyway only to try and get back to ss-ing for days afterwards whereas now I can still look forward to my dinner and it has really helped me to stay focused. It was good to observe my reactions about this incident yesterday, and the food and mood diary I think is just great,I managed to classify the cake as my "meal" for the day (albeit not quite according to plan), and am happy to say that I was able to look at what happened sensibly and didn't take it as an excuse to just keep on eating, especially as I am "allowed" now. Now ideally I would have like to be good and not have touched the food but this is all about learning to be in the real world again and beating myself up over things has never got me anywhere other than into the kitchen and eating. So I am quite pleased with myself and i still feel very much in control.

Also, I officially fitted into some size 12 clothes today, yipeeeehhhhharty0019:. I didn't buy them though but just to put on a Next size 12 wintercoat and to be able to do it up and not looking like I can't breathe in it was great. Now if I wouldn't have had the little one with me I might have been brave enough to go into the changing rooms and try on a size 12 trousers. Will have to wait until next week.

Really looking forward to the salad in 2 days time, I saw a recipe for a salad nicoise in the LL recipe book and just can't wait to try it.

So, all is well at the moment

 

[sun]

Thats fantastic Julia, congratulations xx

sunxx

 

[Juliakno]

Thanks Sun!!:flowers:

I have been lurking around all the recent management threads and am really grateful for all you folks to give so much insight into the ups and downs and dangers of management. It has really helped me to prepare myself mentally, and although I didn't expect to fall into that first hole along the way on my first day, I am just so happy that I pulled myself straight out again.

I am just having a cup of tea, as my afternoon (keep me going) treat. I had a little argument with the kids (nothing major) but pre LL this would have had me sulking in the kitchen and probably putting something into my mouth. I am quite happy with the tea (so good to realise although can eat again, I don't need to) plus peace is restored now, and I did it without eating, wow!

Oh ,for the statistic lovers. I have been on LL abstinence for 24 weeks and have lost just short of 6 stones now, which actually was my original goal (the one you put down in the green book in week 2). I have gone down from a 22/24 to a 12/14, my blood pressure which had been too high prior to LL, is back to normal since about week 10 of LL. My back is still giving me lots of grief though, but I don't even want to imagine how bad it would be by now hadn't I lost the weight.

I would realistically still like to lose another 1/2 stone to be a comfortable size 12 and know that that can be tricky, and put extra pressure on me during management but keeping in mind my struggles and the associated emotional pressures I have put myself under as a result of this, I have decided to start management now, fully supported by my LLC, as she would have hated to see me fall or give up at this stage purely because I feel I can't do pure abstinence anymore.

I have to stretch that at the moment I don't feel like a failure because I have stopped just short of my goal, now whether this feeling will creep up on me eventually or not I don't know but if it does I will have to deal with it then.

My journey is only one of many and in the end we all have to find our own individual routes to get to our goals.

I really love the management books, and will have a go at the excercise on page 7, which my LLC really urged me to do. it's about the two different persons I could be in 15 years time, one is me managing my weight and the other one is me falling back into old habits and what life will be like for me then. Has anyone done this? It sounds really helpful, I will just have to find some quiet time to really imagine it and write it down.

Enough waffling, I am just still soooo pleased and excited about management...

 

[iceycold]

Well done Julia on the size 12's, I've been trying on my old coats this week as well, some of the ones I wore last year didn't even use to meet, now they wrap round me, Wah hey.
So glad you're happily in management, hope to join you all in the next 6 weeks.

 

[Juliakno]

See you on the other side of development soon then Icycold...

Well, today I did do a lot better than yesterday, I can call this my first proper day on management. I had a lovely piece of tuna steak for my dinner and about 25g of cottage cheese and although I wasn't exactly full afterwards I thought that it was enough for my first proper sitdown dinner. I just soooo enjoyed eating with the family again. in fact, we had dinner by candlelight and piano music in the background, and all three kids actually stayed sitting down at the table until dinner was finished. My 2 year old normally makes a dash for freedom the minute she sits down. So an all over pleasant experience all around.

I still have one pack left so I think I will enjoy a nice banana shake as my good night treat.

I had an interesting experience about an hour ago. DH asked me to put a bottle of wine in the fridge for him, and the second I got up to do that I just wanted to stuff my face with some food!?!?!? Now what to make of that. It was like an automated response going of in my head. Now one reason could be that in the past we enjoyed a glass of wine with some nibbles (so old habits) but I think it was more the feeling of feeling left out (as I can't have any alcohol yet) and the rebellious child seizing the opportunity to speak up and telling me to "at least have something to eat then, at least that wouldn't be breaking the rules exactly would it?". I am happy to say that I told rebellious child to keep stumm and didn't succumb to any nibbling, and the feeling left me within a minute or so.

My scales are not working at the moment which is probably good as I really have to just go with the programm for this week and can't measure my success or failure in terms of daily weight readings.

I have planned my dinners for the next 6 days and have made my shopping list. So I am going food shopping tomorrow.

Now all I want is a hot bath, as for a change I am feeling quite cold again.

 

[Juliakno]

I am so loving this at the moment!!!

I had a good day today, my only wobble was in the early afternoon,as I was feeling really hungry even though I just had a soup about an hour earlier. Luckily I had done the shopping for the week already and so could fall back on a celery stick which I happily munched and that togterh with lots more water kept me going until dinner.

Again, I soo enjoyed eating together with the family, and even had no problems preparing homemade chips and fishfingers for the rest of the family, as at the same time was preparing my salad nicoise. A nice side effect of introducing different foods slowly is that I am trying foods I had dismissed in the past, like celery, and I actually really liked it. also the kids ate lots of salad tonight, and even some celery for the first time.

I am a bit unsure of portion sizes as yet, it looked rather a lot in the bowl but I was just about satisfied when i finished it and have to admit that if there would have been more I would have eaten it, so I have to be very aware of the fact that I might not necessarily feel stuffed before I actually should stop eating. I have to say that now I am feeling pleasantly full, which is a world away from the old I almost can't move stuffed feeling I sometimes had before I stopped eating.

I am getting very tired in the afternoon for the last couple of days, I mean really I could just sit down and vegetate and can't think sort of tired. Not sure whether that's a sideffect of the eating (maybe the body starts expecting "fuel" around that time of day) or whether this is still just the general tiredness I experienced towards the end of development. Hopefully my body is still getting enough nutrients now that I leave out one pack.

I have been clothes shopping again this morning. I had to return a bra which didn't fit me properly (so much for not trying it on in the shop...) and finally bought myself a nice little winter coat in a size........ 12. My boobs have gone really funny. Even though they look more like half empty sacks at the moment, they must still have a reasonable volume but I don't seem to be able to fit into any bras properly. The 36E I bought a few weeks back is too big, but a 36 DD is already too small and it spills over on the sides???? I am a bit puzzled by this. I will need a black one by next Friday, which will fit under a dress I will need to wear for our annual chorus competition. More shopping for me, what a shame