no need to respond, just felt like having somewhere to write down my thoughts since im ignored in so many areas of my life

 

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Aww bless ya!! Big hugs. Hope u return back into the cd zone soon.
You have come so far!! X

 

so today was my weigh in
havnt been in 2 weeks since i spent last week in the hospital with my little girl. i tried to stay on track in the hospital but having no shakes with me and having to wait for someone to bring them i cracked and had to grab something from the cafe, for a suposed major hospital the selection really sucked so i didnt have the best of choices, have struggled to get back on the straight and narrow since and the result was a 1lb gain thou considering i decided to go to weigh in wearing my winter wolleys and 2 pairs of trousers im guessing it was really a sts

still not good enough, i really have to get my butt in gear and get on down to where i want to be

 

thou while i was in hospital i played my usual level of phone tag with my ex, sometimes i wonder if its such a good idea to remain in such close contact with him. i miss him, he misses me but its al so damn complicated. hes a squaddie and i worry constantly about him, then theres the fact he cheated on me. but i cant remove him from my life

any comment i make about myself he takes personal, i say my ass is too big, he says he likes it, i tell him hes crazy , he gets annoyed thinking im saying hes crazy for being with me, lol

 

Loving your diary claire. Why were u wearing two pairs of pants?

 

because my butt was freezing, lol

really theres nothing sexy about me in the slightest at the moment i dress like a bag lady whos on her way to the north pole, ive no idea what my ex sees in me, i text him photos all the time, lol

 

Don't be silly. You look like an absolute stunner in your profile pic!

 

I don't know how you stay on track with your ex around. Sometimes all it takes is for my hubby to tell me thinks I am gorg and I give up and cheat. Don't you find that compliments can be really dangerous?!

 

see my relationship with my ex is odd at the best of times, i know hes proud of me since he tells me all the time

sometimes i wish i could just go back 18 months, i was happier then

 

the compliments are nice but no they dont make me feel like cheating, maybe because i send pics at his request that make me feel like the fattest woman in the world, lol

 

OMW how friggin cold is it today!

a nice zero degrees when i set off on the school run this morning.
im wearing a vest top, 2 pairs of leggins, a long sleeved dress, 2 pairs of thick socks, a massive cardigan, a scarf and my winter boots and i was still shivering. do you think i could fashion an outfit from a duvet?

having to head into town in a minute, going to see if i can get a hat and some gloves ( have them magic glove type ones but i cannot bare them, they make me want to rip my skin off ) and i need some smaller leggins as these pairs look like clown pants ( im wearing a size 20 pair over a size 26 pair lol )

 

well back from town, couldnt find any gloves that i could bare to have next to my skin. got leggins, £3 a pair in primark, size 18 am a happy bunny, my last lot were from evans at a tenner a pair! ruddy rip off that place, will be glad to see the back of it

had the usual photo request from my ex today, lol
might send some next week in my new dress, need to have a good cambridge week first thou

 

ok i ripped an idea off from someone on here.
ive stuck post it notes around the house with 15 written on em cos thats the stone i want to be in soon as! need to keep focused

 

Hi Sumyah

Just thought I'd share this site with you as it helped me so much. I used to find it hard to remove my ex from my life too despite the fact that he had disrespected me in how he behaved towards me. I have realised that the maintaining contact was more about me not loving myself than my loving him. I was looking for validation from him because, deep down, in a hidden corner I didn't believe or love myself. As a result I failed to recognise that no matter what he said (and he said plenty about loving me and wanting me etc and at the time of the saying I'm sure he truly believe it) his actions time and time again showed me that he was emotionally unavailable. In maintaining contact and trying to "be friends" in between break-ups all my actions said to him was that I was willing to accept him in whatever way I could have him with no thought or regard to my own emotional wellbeing. That was a hard reality to face but I now know I am worth more and deserve more. I have now been "no contact" for 4 months and although a times I crave contact I accept that contact is not good for me.

Am I Involved With an Assclown?: How To Spot Someone Who Means You & the Relationship No Good | Baggage Reclaim

I hope this is accepted in the spirit it's meant; I just want you to be truly happy.

 

thanks for the link hun but the reason i cant cut my ex out of my life is because of his job. when i dont hear from him i have nightmares. theres boundarys like i wont allow him into my home but i have to know hes safe.

ill check the link out, might help me work out why ive been attracting losers since i left my ex

 

Ah yes.... the loser magnet. I had (?have) one of those too! Mind you I am now (thanks to Baggage Reclaim) much more aware of how I have previously ignored "red flags"; if i'd taken heed of them with my ex I would have saved myself 3 years of hassle!

 

lol no im the loser magnet, my ex is a lovely guy but he cheated and i couldnt accept that. he was honest about it, he had been on a trip back home to see his family and told me he had accidently slept with his ex. this was 18 months ago.

 

Ah Claire hon.... accidently? What ... .did he slip and fall and just happen to land in her? He chose to sleep with her meaning while he is no mass murderer make no excuses to yourself about this aspect of his behaviour. His behaviour in this case is about him; your responsibility is in why you are not holding him fully accountable for it (yes you may have barred him from your home but you are clearly very still emotionally involved with him) xx

 

when he told me it was an accident i did say to him unless he tripped and landed dick first in her pussy then it was no damn accident
i do hold him accountable thats why ive not taken him back. but yes im still very close to him

 

well todays weather sucks, was in the minus when i did the school run, next on my shopping list is thermal underwear!

been running the finances thru my head and i must must must stick to plan.

im january i will still have the same amount of money coming in but EVERYTHING is going to cost more so i really need to get my ass in gear and stop misbehaving so i can get to goal and use the money i spend on cd on the bills insted