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My XMAS present to myself!!!

Tessieg1

Silver Member
S: 16st7lb C: 17st2lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 43.9 Loss: -0st9lb(-3.9%)
#21

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#22
Thanks Tessieg, hope i'm not boring you to death :)

WOOHOO lost 3lbs this week!! I cut out the bars, drank a minimum of 3l and stopped spiking my coffee with chocolate tetras. I knew I could beat the addiction. It's true, I'm focused and this time I'm realizing it's not about getting to goal, it's about STAYING there. So getting there by CD just barely and out of breath, porking it out for the holidays and then going back on CD is NOT the solution. It's just talk right now, but it's really making way in my head. Just like the exercise, I found that I can't just do it while I'm dieting, it needs to be an integral part of ;y life... actually it's a new way of life but living it for real is kind of scary. one day at a time, one step at a time I guess
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#23
Good morning, haven't been on as the kids are sick. I've been doing OK and I'm going to see my cdc this afternoon, I may give in and buy some tetras, I've been adding a little milk to my morning coffee, so I really don't think the tetras are hurting me so much, I just have to make sure I DON'T USE IT ALL UP IN A DAY! I'm going to get a couple of bars, but give them to my mom so she can keep them for me as I con't really be trusted with food atm. I don't know what it is with CD that makes my life feel like such a rollercoaster ride. One day i'm up, positive, drinking my water, the next I feel i'm being starved, i think about food all day, and count the days til this is over. except what i cant wrap my brain around is that it will NEVER be over... after there's maintenance, then lifetime maintenance and I think that's what is hard for me to accept. Some days I fill like flip it, i'll just be fat and enjoy my food, but that's not all there is to life is there???
behind it all, i try to remember the unflattering, ugly and expensive clothes you are forced to buy when heavy, the feeling of being self-conscious when entering the room thinking (and knowing) everyone is thinking god she's huge!!! I don't want to go back to that, I've wasted my 20s and 30s to that!!

It's what keeps me sane these days, I hold on to the words DD pronounced last year that broke my heart and made me go on this diet "mom, so and so at school says you're fat!" and my response " well i am!!" - until then being spared by my kids, but that day I swore no more!! but as i get closer to goal, I realize that it's just the beginning.:cry:
On a brighter note, I do feel much better, I can exercise and not feel like i need to go to bed right after, my stomach doesn't hurt as much as it used to all the time from stuffing myself, my clothes look and fit nicely:D:D

So I'm going to see my cdc and be positive about the whole thing, she's gonna want to weigh me, so i'll let her and hope that the news aren't too bad. I'll come back on and let you know
 

Tessieg1

Silver Member
S: 16st7lb C: 17st2lb G: 10st10lb BMI: 43.9 Loss: -0st9lb(-3.9%)
#24
Good luck with your weigh in. Hope everything goes well. :)
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#25
Well 3 lbs lost since tuesday weigh-in!! I NEED to behave this weekend so that I can maybe lose another pound or two before next tuesday's wi... I'm happy though, another stone and I'm under the 200 lbs bar. Hope everyone has a nice Friday night, I still have 3 porridge to go!
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#26
Hello all, I'm still alive but barely surviving from this weekend... it was bad all around, bad weather, bad falling off the wagon experience... and I'd like to say it was an accident, but it was planned, I GAVE myself permission to be off plan for NO reason whatsoever. I started with some good food choices and chucked them all out of the window by Sunday. It is sabotage, I had a great loss, it's taking me closer to my first goal of being under the 200lbs mark and it's like I don't want to get there.... I know it will be hard to maintain because I won't be able to have bad habits anymore!!! Well not be perfect ALL the time, but really most of the time.
Life is not perfect we all know that, some people have it easier than others... me I have to work twice as hard not to gain weight, i've always been heavy and I think my body has just been used to it... it's sad, i just need to get used to it.

Anyway, up and out and moving along... I WILL DO THIS!!!!
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#27
Wow, can't believe I haven't written in my diary for so long! Work has been very hectic as we lost a very big client and I've had to start laying people off. Very emotional indeed;
I've alternated between SS+ and 810 this week, I guess I've just decided to lead me where it wants at this moment. DD left for NY Tuesday and all the food smells in the airport drove me mad! As a consolation I thought I'd reward myself with the day off, but the sitter flaked on me, so I took my son (horrible little monster) who had a cold with me. There again the food smells drove me away from the mall, my kid was being a punk the whole time so we went home.
That's when I learned our client was leaving us... It was more than enough for me and I just had 3 biscuits back to back without any remorse!! I'm such an emotional eater..
anyway wednesday went OK I had my 3 cd prod. and some grilled turkey and veggies. I went to workout too so that I could relieve some of this stress. I'm so tense, I can't even straighten my back and shoulders. and today also though I had to tell someone I was laying them off (the look on her face), that def cut my hunger right then and there. I had forgotten my soup, so aside from the porridge for breakfast, I didn't get to eat until 6PM!!! Had water, coffee etc, but that was it! I was ravenous, I had my soup and a meal consisting of grilled prawns and some veggies. My stomach is rumbling and I wonder if I should just have a porridge... Weigh in is tomorrow, honestly I'm treating this week and next as a 1000 week.. then I'm back to SS until first week of december.

Hope everyone has had a better week
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#28
4 lbs off this week, and it was an 810/1000 week which was quite nice for a change. I am closer to my goal of going below 200lbs, closer than ever so I'm really happy. I need to have a safe weekend as I'm at my in-laws for the next 3 days and MIL just loves to have a display of food, kinda like a buffet spread instead of a regular meal. It drives me nutso!!!
Next week is also an 810/1000 week, then back down to SS for 4 weeks (just got 2 weeks worth of tetras) I'm going to see if just going all liquids, no porridge even will blast me to 195 at least. we'll see. I hope everyone has a great cd weekend
 
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#29
keep at it!! you are doing great, its hard to do with stress around isnt it? also, i 100% agree with you that cd is such a rollercoaster and a lot of it is all in the mind, and often the mind doesnt want to play nice! good luck and i love reading your diary. its honest and open and insipirational
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#30
I'm back

Thank you Leeds, well I took a leave of absence from CD, just had to have a breather!!! I felt like it was either that or I was going to start play mind games with myself know what I mean? Instead of picking food here and there, I felt a break was needed to sort myself out and now I'm back. Though I didn't go overboard, I certainly didn't always make the best food choices... but that's life isn't it? Haloween was great though :D:D

My weigh-in is on Friday, so I won't even bother weighing myself at home, I'm just going to concentrate on being 100% this week. I've already had 2 tetras today along with 3l of water. I'm hungry but not overly... I'm just glad I could start back again with no regrets and more energy.

Well you guys will be reading more from me this week, hope everyone's having a nice Sunday.
 

enlightenme2

Life is golden
S: 123kg C: 91kg G: 80kg BMI: 27.2 Loss: 32kg(26.03%)
#31
Second day back on SS, forgot how your breath can be so foul!! Also I was starving by the time I had my soup for lunch (not even noon!!). I think I'm going to have my porridge before getting the kids from school as I'm not hungry-hungry but feel the intense need to have something. I can't just have another coffee as I've had 2 huge bowls this morning into which I poured my choc tetra, and a small one after my soup at lunch.
I won't pronounce myself yet, but as I have 4 weeks of SS, my feeling is my head will "think" it's doable, and as I've nothing planned until dec 4, it should be very doable. I really need to prove to myself that I can do this 100% for the remaining time left, just for myself you know what I mean?? Anyway, have gotten most of my 3L down, so all is OK, no major headache going on, just freezing my buns off!
 


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