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need a hug :(

S: 20st0lb C: 20st0lb G: 9st9lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#1
Ok so if anyone knows anything about me then they might know that i was bulimic for 3 years, ive always had an addiction to food and used it to evoke and portray different emotions, i knew what i would do would hurt my boyfriend so when he cheated on me i made myself ill, therefore hurting him through hurting me....kinda messed up but heyho!
Anyways today i had only managed two packs then realised it was 8.00pm...thanks ketosis! ;) but then i made me last 2 packs of porrige and just could not get it down..it was just impossible, so i had a small glass of skimmed milk and a multi-vitamin instead, not the best but better than nothing!
This scares me because its manipulating my food plans again! my boyfriend said he wasnt going to come see me after he said he would and therefore i cant eat my meals, now not like i dont want it...i couldnt eat it!
Its like i thought i had overcome so much and yet im stilll hauted by my eating disorder :( its like im not wanting to binge or anything at the minute but just couldnt eat, and i know thats laughable as im 18stone but i could :cry:
im sorry for rambling you can tell me im being stupid i know you guys are ed specialists but we all have are own problems with foods thats why were here!
Loveyou all
xxxx
 
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SexyBecks1

is loving CWP xx
S: 21st2lb C: 20st10lb G: 15st0lb BMI: 48.3 Loss: 0st6lb(2.03%)
#2
:hug99::grouphugg:
Hi Rachel. I am sorry you are feeling so low. I have no idea what it is like to have an ED so can't help on that one but I think I know what might help.

Weekends is the one time when I struggle to get all my packs in. Reason being is that I start eating them a lot later then during the week. I find that if I try to have them spread out throughout the day it helps a lot.

I know you have been through a lot recently (as per your posts) and you are doing so well to sick with the plan. I'm sure what you did was the best thing you could do in the situation you were in. The worst obviously would be not to eat anything at all.

Maybe have a word with your LLC and see what she says. I am sure she will have some words of wisdom for you as well as all of the lovely people on here.

I hope things improve for you hun and you manage to get the answer you need.

Take care babe x x
 

Jezebella

Playing the Angel
S: 14st3lb C: 8st7lb G: 9st2lb BMI: 20.4 Loss: 5st10lb(40.2%)
#3
Hey hun

Big hugs, sorry to hear you are feeling so down. Don't beat yourself up so badly as you have not gone very far in CBT and TA yet so I am sure there is still a lot of "head work" to do. I try to space my packs and always save a shake for last thing at night as a cold frappe kinda thing or a hot chocolate/strawberry/latte whatever. I cant force the porridge down anyway, lol I think it's vile. Perhaps try to vary your packs a bit to give you a little more variety, and you can try baking/cooking with them, there are fab recipes on here. If I didn't vary what I ate then I would never have stuck it out in 100% abstinence for so long.

Viz-a-viz the boyfriend thing. Yes it is lovely to have a partner but remember 1) you are doing this for YOU and YOU alone, not him. 2) it sounds to me, and I could be wrong here so forgive me, that your self esteem is very much linked to your boyfriend and ergo, if he is not coming over you worry about what you have done "wrong" etc which sets in motion a whole twisted cycle of guilt etc etc... Like I said please take this as intended, and forgive me if I have totally the wrong idea here. I went through the same thing, and previous relationships that went sour have lead to a lot of my weight problems and food issues. Try and do somethings to build up your sense of self - easier said than done. I would really reccommend Louise L Hay - You Can Heal Your Life. It is the book that initially put me on the right path to heal not only my spiritual side, but also helped me to realise why I needed to deal with my weight. It is written in such a gentle and loving way. I wish you all the best hun, and sending you lots of love and hugs from London. Message anytime.

Jez
xx
 
S: 20st0lb C: 20st0lb G: 9st9lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#4
Thankyou so much both of you, I think jez youve hit it right on the head, my esteem is linked to how my boyfriend acts, its just hard :( im sure ill be fine tomorrow, just sometimes get into these low points, thankyou both for your kinda words, and jez for your recomendation of that book, ill have a look on amazon for it :)
xxx
 

Jezebella

Playing the Angel
S: 14st3lb C: 8st7lb G: 9st2lb BMI: 20.4 Loss: 5st10lb(40.2%)
#5
Anytime Hun

And if you ever want to chat about bf/self esteem stuff just drop me a mail or pm me :) Been there and got the tshirt a fair few times <G>

Jez
xx
 

Blonde Logic

Yes. You can.
S: 258lb C: 228lb G: 168lb BMI: 35.7 Loss: 30lb(11.63%)
#6
Hi Td. Sorry you are having such a rough night. <hug> I know you have only just started so maybe don't know your LLC very well yet - but have you told her you were bullemic in the past? I think it would be important to tell her, if you haven't already. She could be able to help you with this aspect of things as you really need professional advice and help with something that serious. SHe may have some real pearls of wisdom that will help you through times like these. You did what was best for you at the time, but you must be careful on this VLCD. You need all the nutrients from the packs, and the calories. So be careful, OK? :)

THings will look brighter tomorrow. :)

xxx
 
S: 15st1lb C: 12st0lb G: 10st5lb BMI: 28.8 Loss: 3st1lb(20.38%)
#7
:hug99::hug99::hug99:
Just sending you some hugs sweetie.

I do know how you feel and I have linked my eating problems to everything in my life that is painful. I am also trying to work on my self esteem and I do think that this will eventually be the start of my healing.

I wish you loads of luck and love

Rosie x
 
S: 20st0lb C: 20st0lb G: 9st9lb Loss: 0st0lb(0%)
#8
Thanks mum :)
She was my LLC from last time so she knows everything, i did do CBT with an ed specialist but i didnt get on with them so didnt really work, but more person than theory he just talked from a text book which annoyed me lol, hopefully tomorrow will be better :) Im working the next three days so that should keep me busy plus i love interacting with customers! lets hope alot of people want bra fitted haha!! :)
and Jez thankyou again, im thinking of going to some kinda councelling about my boyfriend, were strong now but he cheated on me 4 times, broke up with me for a month to basically sleep with people....but i love him :( and still do, just need to realise he doesnt control my emotions!
loveyou all [x]
 


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