Newbie...my story so far

[Nozzle]

Hi, Im new to the forums and just wanted to share my experience of trying to lose weight and would love to hear from any1 with tips.

Im 24 yrs old, 5'4 height & i weigh 13stones

I've always felt fat and have always struggled to lose weight...i have been overweight all my life...this is effected my confidence really badly. All my family members are thin and never seem to put weight on.

So my recent attempt to lose weight has lasted to weeks so far, and i have lost 5lbs...but im scared that it may effect my health negatively. my day consists on lemon and hot water, first thing in the morning, then i eat 2 small meals before 6pm and thats it. My calorie intake for the last 2 weeks has not exceeded 800 calories a day and i exercise by walking an hour a day, or doing housework until i am literally sweating and out of breath.

This has been the only method that has worked for me and it seems pretty easy to achieve...should i keep it up or is this not the right way?

I also occasionally make myself sick, i know i shouldnt, but if i feel i am full, then i feel terrible and the only way to stop feeling bad involves me forcing myself to throw up.

This is the first time i have ever openly admitted i may have a problem, but i honestly believe if i lose the weight, then my life will improve drastically.

 

[Iris]

I want to give you a big hug first and foremost! I know how you feel, I've been there, hovered around 13 stone for most of my teenage years, before I ballooned up over 16 stone after uni and found myself with a Very Large Problem.

You say you're scared that your regime may be bad for your health. I think you're right to be scared, and I think you know deep down that what you're doing to your body right now isn't right and it isn't sustainable. I know that looking in the mirror and seeing someone you don't want to be can make you really despise yourself. I know that kind of self-loathing and I understand that an immediate reaction to it can be to consciously or subconsciously punish yourself and punish your body. You hate what you see, you hate how you feel, so you decide you're going to go nuts with an incredibly strict regime, because if it's going to work it has to hurt, and it should hurt, because you deserve that hurt.

That's all wrong, though. You know that. You deserve kindness and patience and looking after your body. There's no future in self-abuse. You might lose weight by starving yourself and by purging, but you could do the same with a cocaine addiction - doesn't mean it would be good for you. You'll take decades off your life. Bulimia can be a life-threatening disorder.

I don't want to sound preachy because I don't know many of the answers, let alone all of them. But I do know that you don't deserve this kind of misery that you're inflicting on your mind and body. Nobody deserves that kind of torture. What is it that you want? I'm assuming you want to reach a healthy weight and feel good about yourself, maintain that weight, feel healthier and happier and more confident, right? Well, to do that I think you have to resolve that you're going to change your relationship with food forever, for life, not just for the duration of a faddy diet or a self-destructive cycle of starving, binging and purging.

You have to eat. You have to eat to live, to nourish your body, to have energy, to feel good. Food is not the enemy! Fullness isn't bad! Extreme hunger is bad. You should never feel too hungry. Trying to exist on two small meals of less than 800 kcals in total is setting yourself up for failure and for torment, particularly as you're exercising so much, too. It doesn't have to be like that for you to lose weight. You can do it comfortably and sensibly, and you can keep it off. There's so many things you can eat that are good for you and low in fat and will help you stave off the kind of hunger that can provoke binging and purging.

My advice would be to raise your calorie total to 1300 and to have at least two days rest from exercise each week. Your routine doesn't have to be excruciating or regimented or obsessive. It has to be something you can comfortably live with and something which nourishes body and soul properly. I know it's tempting to want to lose weight incredibly quickly, but if you're currently abusing your body, it's not going to result in sustainable weight loss - you'll just go around in circles for years, making yourself ill and miserable. A steady, sustainable weight loss plan will not only be healthier, but it'll be quicker and get you where you want to be faster in the long run.

If you make just one resolution, please try to stop the purging. Treat your body with some love and respect - it deserves it!

 

[Nozzle]

Thank you Iris, reading your post made me cry, because you are right on every point. I believe i am a sensible person, and i understand the implications my actions are having on my body. But I find it hard to confide in the people closest to me, they won't understand. I have also made several attempts to confide and seek help from my GP, I have specifically arranged to see my GP with the intention of asking for help with my sistuation, because i know this could turn into a big problem, very fast. As soon as i mention that i have come to see them regarding my weight, the first thing they do is get me on the scales and calculate my BMI, which obviously says im overweight. This in turn just re-inforces my belief that i need to lose weight by any means possible. Its got to the stage now, where i envy people who are anorexic. Having been on this 'diet' for two weeks now, i feel surprisingly comfortable with it. The first week was the worst. But i know deep down that this isnt sustainable longterm and thats what scares me the most.

 

[Iris]

I wish I knew how to help. All I can offer is an ear, really. If you're feeling like things are getting beyond your control, please post here or message me... sometimes it can just help to talk things through with somebody removed from the situation.

I think you're right to seek out your GP. The onset of a full-blown eating disorder can be such a gradual thing that it can creep up on you and you don't even realise when it starts to rule your life. I know it's incredibly tough, but hiding all this from everyone is putting a terrible burden on you, and all that deception and pretending things are okay with the people closest to you just creates an environment in which the eating problem can thrive. It grows in that kind of darkness - if you shine a light on it and try to open up, even just to your GP, you might well find that with some support you can get to grips with it.

Try to tell your GP how you feel, how worried you are about the bouts of purging, and ask for whatever support they can give you. Trust me, docs are pretty unshockable and they've seen and heard it all before. They want to help, but they're not mind-readers, so you really have to make that leap of trust and confide in them.

If you could just take a step and open up to someone you trust, maybe one family member or a close friend, I really do think you'd feel like a weight had been lifted off you. The people around you probably don't have the slightest idea about your issues with food, but they can probably sense that you're unhappy and I'm sure they'd want to help in any way they can. You don't have to go through it all on your own - I think that the urge to keep it a deep dark secret is a destructive urge - if you can make the move and open up to someone you'll start the process of putting some distance between yourself and the behaviour you know can't continue.

13 stone isn't an insurmountable problem - you've nipped it in the bud before it's got really out of control, and you can easily lose the weight on a sensible eating plan. Please don't feel like you have to exercise madly, either. A little exercise is great for your health, true, but I didn't do any at all myself and the weight still came off, albeit slowly.

You know, I think it's all about self-esteem, right? I know there's no magic switch you can flick that will suddenly make you like yourself - even when you lose the weight there's no guarantee that you'll be fonder of you. I think you've got to try to start respecting and appreciating yourself right now - your weight has absolutely no bearing on your worth as a person. And I can tell just from reading your posts that you've got a hell of a lot going for you. You're bright, eloquent and sensitive, and you're still so very young! Your weight is a relatively tiny issue and you can deal with it over time without punishing yourself - you can still lose weight and enjoy food and enjoy life! That's what you should be doing at 24. Please remember that you're your own worst critic - the rest of the world never judges you as a harshly as you do, so try not to blow the issue out of all proportion and let it stop you from living well. I'm willing to bet that the people around you see someone wonderful and worthwhile, and you've got to start giving yourself credit for all the good stuff instead of just focusing on the bad, because it'll just make you ill. Depression can colour everything and make even the smallest things hard to cope with. Sometimes medication can help give you a respite from that feeling of hopelessness - so please don't be afraid to discuss that option with your GP.