nikki's diary - closed...... moved over to maintenance to test the water!

[great things]

totally fed up!

really sick of being on a diet. want something nice. this is totally made worse by the fact that i've put on 1lb this week and not done anything to deserve it happening to me :cry:

really want something nice.... compounded by a rumbling tum.

had porridge this am and messsed up the making of it and it was nasty and lumpy.

 

[great things]

i need a break from my diet.

i feel like i'm having a pretty rough time lately. i think it's compounded by emily being off school. dude coming upto a year etc, not loosing anything i think this week with the possibility of putting on weight. stressed out. worried about our holiday, which i will go into later.

i need some time out. i'm so close to goal. i never felt this way last time when i was on my diet. i think if i had a few days off then it would be easier to get my head back into the game for the final fling. i'm just plain sick of it all (except from my exercise).... really sick of my diet. same old same old. seeing my cdc tomorrow, early weigh in, as i can't do tuesday as i've had to jig things around.

holiday. we go a week on wednesday. we fly to charles du gaulle then onto disneyland paris. i'm worried about a few things.

1. what if we can't go are we going to loose our money?
2. what if we can't go, can we re-organise the flights?
3. what if we manage to go but then the volcano starts off again are we going to get home?

so worried. so stressed. so much to do before then and so little time left.

it's matthew's first birthday on thursday and i was totally hoping that i would be a hare's breath away from my goal... like a couple of pounds but 9.5lbs away is crazy.

i think that the only thing keeping me sane is my running and exercise 'addiction'. maybe it's now time to focus on a higher plan, giving myself an easier time and my exercise. getting out running rather than in the gym and focusing on other things in the gym.

 

[great things]

weigh in day today, 1 day earlier than normal. i think i've either stayed the same or up on weight. don't understand how or why! my arms and butt are still hurting from my classes on saturday.

feeling thoroughly miserable today, not helped by the pants weather out there.... back to cold and wet

 

[cornishkez]

I feel bad I haven't been on to offer encouragement, looks like you've been talking to yourself a bit!

I honestly think you need to up the plans. You sound tired mentally and physically, it's great you are doing all the exercise, but if you are only eating 810kcals and buring 1000kcal alone in a class. You also need your 1000kcal plus just for your body to function.

I really think your body is just struggling to cope, you don't have naything left over for everything else. Your struggling to keep your patience with the kids, your down in the dumps and the fact that you may have even put on weight while being 100% on CD must mean something?! Why not up the plans for a couple of weeks and see what happens. Rather than focusing so much on trying to squeeze out the last few lbs, concentrate on maintaining what you have already lost and let those lbs get toned up while your doing your classes, which you enjoy.

There is never any point in being miserable. I hope the weigh in goes well and you come back out feeling motivated and ready to battle on, whatever you decide to do. x

 

[Eternalflame]

Hi Nikki

Hope you are feeling better today and WI goes ok.. 9.5lb from goal is pretty good honey.. thats not far off at all and think how you felt when you first started doing this and how you look and feel now compared to that.. I think you are doing really well, plus the ups and downs you have had, doesn't help but you have carried on and to stop that now would be such a waste. The goals is so close too.

Re your hols, all you can do is go with the flow, and I know thats not offering much encouragement but there is little you can do and worrying won't make things feel any better. Get everything organised to go and see how things flow from there..

Wishing you a good day Nikki xx

 

[great things]

thanks guys

i feel better already, scared, but better. i'm on the 1000plan now. i only lost 1/2lb but at least it came off and didn't go on.

i'm now worried about coming out of ketosis and eating carbs. i really want some bread and one of the breakfasts is a small slice of bread with a boiled egg. when i came back from my weigh in i could have had this but once again my control said no bread and i ended up having a couple of apples. (i can choose fruit to the value of 150cals too think it about 3 apples). i'm only on 2 shakes now i love the shakes too.

i'm just a flaming control freak. i need to loosen up a little.

good news is that i'm feeling full after having...

2 pints of water
3 coffees
2 apples
bowl of salad leaves with balsamic and
a cd soup.

i'm planning on having my cd shakes for lunch and for supper. i'm planning on doing the following...

porridge for brekkie (none cd)
cd shake for lunch with my bowl of salad leaves
meal for tea with fruit
last cd shake of the day before bed.

then water and coffee etc throughout the day. i'm feeling pretty positive now. just worrying about eating carbs again.

my other plan is doing this during my hols and then moving up 1 weeks before my root canal to the 1200 as needed, 2 more weeks after this on the 1200 then either staying or doing 1000 again for a couple of weeks to get my final weight off, if necessary, then working up the plans.

it's so good to know that if i need an apple at the gym after my workout that i can pinch it from my tea.

 

[great things]

well.... a lovely plan. really happy.

today i've had -

5 pints of water
5 coffees (milk used up)
4 apples
bowl of salad leaves with balsamic and
a cd soup
salad with cottage cheese and a bit of pasta
peanut cd bar
2 tins of coke zero

so much food. mind in 2 weeks am i going to find myself feeling the same and struggling? i hope not!

took dudey swimming tonight. still aching from saturday's body combat.... it's got to be that, not the pump cause i'm used to the pump and where my pain is it's the shoulders from punching and my butt and tops of my thighs from kicking which is combat.

i'm off to the gym tomorrow am and i'm going to look for a body combat class either wed or thursday pm. back at the gym friday am this week, then sat pm for pump. next week it's mon am, mon pm, tues am then off to hubby's mum's for our flight.

 

[great things]

great day! ran for 40 mins today. went in the morning and ems was at school, dude at nursery so i had 1hr 30mins to me instead of bearly an hour.

10mins bike
40mins running
10mins rowing
5mins cross trainer

time in between doing getting ready stuff like getting on the thing, sorting out ipod stuff, going to the loo etc

had an apple at the gym and another later (shouldn't have technically had this but i didn't have my salad for lunch just a bar).

so far today:-

porridge (not cd)
apple
coffee x 4
water 2 litres and 1 pint (roughly 5 pints)
apple (naughty)
cd peanut bar
tea was tuna and cottage cheese salad with a bit of pasta
got a cd for later (you are to have one with your brekkie but i like to leave mine for later on at night so it's something for me to have)

feeling more positive but still worried about having carbs always the side effect of being on a challenging diet. just hate introducing foods again esp carbs. very stressful but necessary. looking long term i think i'm going to have to get into GI stuff.

 

[rubber ring]

Hiya...sorry haven't been on much lately to offer support. Just been catching up and seen your posts where you were struggling. So glad to hear that you're feeling much better, your body must have been telling you it needed more. Hope you have a good loss this week, altho from your diary posts I think you sound happy just to be eating again .

Think my CDC told me I would be moving up to the 1000 plan this week, I'm looking forward to the food aswell xx

 

[great things]

it's a nice plan and i'm so happy i'm on it now.

matthew's birthday meal is friday. going to go to pizza express and stick to the salad option. still controlled.

 

[cornishkez]

I'm really curious what your weight loss will be this week now you've upped plans. I reckon it'll be a good one!

 

[great things]

think i've dropped 1-2lbs so far. it all might change though with matthew's birthday.

 

[great things]

well matthew's a year old today and i'm still in the 12stones. wish i were in the 11st today but hey ho not too bad being 9lbs away from my pre-pregnancy weight.

i was naughty and had some of his birthday cake. not much but a little. then i think it messed me up cause, although i'm not in ketosis and am eating carbs, i then started having a bit of a TOTM thing happen, now my tummy is bloated and very round looking and i can't quite workout if it is the cake or just my body trying to have a period. it's been trying for about a month now. i haven't really stopped spotting since the first time i wrote TOTM on my weigh in. it just goes for a few days then i have a day of spotting then it goes etc. very confusing. i'm not due my depo until the 6th may. the docs are peeing me off cause they've not made their computer up to make the appointments. i have tried twice now. i'm going away on tuesday and want to make an appointment cause when i come back it's bank holiday monday and i need it doing by the thursday. grrrrrrrrr to the docs.

matthew's had an interesting day. we went shopping this am whilst ems was at school and got he his first ever pair of proper shoes from clarks so a picture was taken then in the afternoon we met daddy for lunch. emily, matthew and i then went to the gym and then we all went swimming together. matthew played in the soft play. it was so sad earlier as he fell over just after lunch and hit his head so hard that there was a massive bang as he hit the floor. he has an awful little mark near his right eye. think it's going to really bruise up. so worried about him. keeping thinking that he's going to die on me at some point in time as he's such a nice boy and so chilled and special. don't know if i'll ever stop worrying about him. i check on him every single night to see if he is still breathing. talk about paranoid.

anyway gym day tomorrow. i ran for 40 mins last time so i will try to match it this time. i was on a km machine and hate them with a passion as i don't know how far i've gone. all i know was that 5k is around 3 miles and i ran further than that. almost 5 1/2km . i'll get back on a miles on hopefully tomorrow.

busy day tomorrow as ems is at school and i'm at the gym whilst matthew is at nursery. then it's lunch at the grandparents house, off to tumble tots at 2pm, then i might take them to the gym again for some soft play and i'll have a decaf coffee, this cold* is not going and my chest feels like it is burning. then out to pizza express for tea and i'll be having tuna salad.

*as far as my cold's been going i've take a few capsules of lemsip flu stuff to try to knock me out and i'm wondering if that is playing some havoc with my weight loss. i've checked the ingredients and there's no sugar or anything like that that should affect me. just don't know what's what!

someone came tonight to pick up matthew and emily's jumperoo. so sad to see it go but there's no more kids for us now. matthew is our last. i'm selling other stuff as well, or trying too. i think i'll be putting it on ebay. fed up with it all cluttering up my house.

 

[great things]

hate weekends. no-one is around. boring unless you go out and about. have a strange day today. have got to go to a party later but before then we're off to an outlet village to get a gap fleece for hubby and i and i'm trying to look for a nice wrap over cardi. i've got 2 but one is short sleeved and the other is a gap small and i'm not sure if i'll fit it yet. i think i was around 11st 7lbs last time i wore it.

my weight is up and down like a yoyo and it is really getting on my nerves. i went down to 12st on the thursday am, today i'm 12st 4lbs! argh! sick sick sick

really wanted to be in the 11st by now and it's just not happening. i can't seem to break the 12st barrier. i really need to get down. think i've got water retention. i would love to go down a 1/2lb under 12 st for my weight in at least then i would feel like i was making progress.

we went out on friday night for matthew's first birthday meal. we went to pizza express and i had a tuna nicoise salad. there was salad, tomatoes, olives, tuna, salad dressing and 4 bread sticks (bit different to the menu one). i ate all except the bread sticks. i had 1 but left the other 3. i think the meal itself had enough carbs in it without over doing it with the bread sticks too. i had 1 dough ball for starters (no garlic dip on it) and no dessert either. just trying to be sensible and stay away from bad things.

yesterday we left emily with the grandparents and we went off to a large indoor shopping centre near newcastle, we went to pizza express again for lunch as i've no bars left and i couldn't find anywhere we could both go that served just a green salad for me etc anyway didn't have any bread sticks but did have the egg and small amount of potato on the salad (this one was more like the menu advertised). no dessert, no starter.

hubby spent an absolute fortune but me... i came away with some cold and flu tablets as i've still got a cold, had it for over a week and i can feel the pressure in my nose, plus the tickly cough (taking tablets and i'm thinking that this could be messing with my weight as when i've had 2 days of suffering and not taking them the weight seems to go down), plus a bit of make up. a new palate and a new sheer lippy.

there were no clothes for me. we went to debenhams and i found that one of my old favourites wallis was full of old peeps clothes and the ladies looking around them were in their 50s. what has happened to their clothes? then there was the designer stuff which was just too out there for me and then the teen stuff with wearhouse, oasis etc too fashionable for me. i like jane normal but only select things but there was nothing i fancied. i liked a top that was in the sale but there was only 8 and 10s left and i always have to buy a 16 in jane norman as the clothes are a small fit. my favourite shop was principles but this has closed yet i googled it last night and i think ben de lisi has taken it over as part of his stuff in debenhams. i'll have to investigate it.

then we came home, collected ems from grans and grandads house, i had an hour then i left for my body pump class. i was totally knackered though and felt like i didn't have the energy for it at all.... just don't know what's wrong.

tomorrow i'm at the gym in the morning, then i've got body combat at night. tuesday at the gym in the morning then hair and chiropractors then we are off to hubby's parents and then we fly wed at 3.30pm!

still not sure what to do with my diet. if i have a time out i'll probably put on around 7-10lbs easy due to the flight and water retention and then carbs. however, i can see that if i do it it might encourage me to get my act together and get more focused on the last few weeks, but i'll be on the 1200 plan cause of my root canal on the 11th may. so hard. i wish i could drop my last 9lbs now! maybe do the 810 whilst i'm away and take more products as i won't be exercising but then it'll be even harder when there's nice things around and we've got a buffalo bills wild west show which includes a meal on the friday night and character brekkie on the sat am when we leave. arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

bl**dy body! i should be at goal by now. stupid rediculous losses over the past few weeks.

 

[great things]

still not in the 11s, if anything i'm more up the 12s than ever before. definately water retention.

i'm having my weight in on tuesday am, then i'm getting ready for my holiday and from wed to sat i'm going to take some time out from CD. i'm going to focus on healthy, protein and not eat crap.... that's my plan after a heart to heart with hubby who said that 90% of my discussions with him are about my diet, my exercise and my weight. i'm getting too obsessed about it all and we need to have a nice time on our holiday. he doesn't want my ruining our holiday by being obsessed with my diet. i know that i'll put weight on but i also know that it'll come off too. it'll be water retention.

i think that i'll post my weight tuesday then sign out til the following week.

so until tuesday... Au reviour.

 

[Eternalflame]

Hi Nikki

You're doing really well, and to up plans and stay so focussed is good. The Bodycombat you do, is it good? i do the bodypump and enjoy that, but can only do one a week, lol.. My arms kill me after for days.. but no pain no gain eh! Going to Gym every other day now, really love it.. and swim there too with the exception of Sunday's, when I just swim and pamper myself, lol with the sauna, steam and jacuzi x

 

[leeds123]

nicki - hope you are having a good holiday???

dont worry about your weight am sure it will settle down as you move along the plans. have read on others diaries that it takes a few weeks to balance out. you do sound pretty stressed in your diary though so i hope all is ok with you.

take care and looking forward to the next update.

 

[great things]

Hi Nikki

You're doing really well, and to up plans and stay so focussed is good. The Bodycombat you do, is it good? i do the bodypump and enjoy that, but can only do one a week, lol.. My arms kill me after for days.. but no pain no gain eh! Going to Gym every other day now, really love it.. and swim there too with the exception of Sunday's, when I just swim and pamper myself, lol with the sauna, steam and jacuzi x

body combat is amazing. i love body pump but body combat is superb!

 

[great things]

nicki - hope you are having a good holiday???

dont worry about your weight am sure it will settle down as you move along the plans. have read on others diaries that it takes a few weeks to balance out. you do sound pretty stressed in your diary though so i hope all is ok with you.

take care and looking forward to the next update.

oh, for a glass of the white stuff (wine that is).

weigh in tomorrow then start chilling out a bit. not sure if i'll make the gym as i did body combat tonight and last time i did it it took me 3 days for the aching to stop.

 

[great things]

i lost 3.5lbs this week. yeah!