Nixxy's Journey to Onederland

[Nixxy]

I'm hoping to change the name of this diary to 'through' onederland at some point, but i'm not there yet.

I've never done one of these diary things, and for some reason I feel kinda shy about poking around in other peoples. I wanted to record some things though, I think as you lose weight you begin to forget what it was like at your heaviest. Maybe its part of the 'fat girl' mentality of not seeing myself changing.... but if I forget I'm more likely to go back there. And I never want to go back there again.

So far I have lost 2 stone 1lb, and over 10% of my body weight. I need to almost double that before I can stop being obese and sometimes that's a scary thought. But even if i'm still a long way from my target I can see some differences.

The worst part of being at my highest weight physically was my knees. At 27 you really shouldn't have knee problems, but theres a step at work.... not really stairs, just two steps up to the back room. The first step is slightly higher than average, and just going up it would hurrrt. I'd avoid it whenever I could. Now, it doesn't... its just a step. I work in retail so even things like squatting to fill up lower shelves used to be a challenge and are now so much easier.

The worst part of being my highest weight emotionally was hating my body, to the point it stopped me from doing things. I really would like to find a new job, but I can't even get the confidence enough to apply. I think of how awful i'd look at an interview, or fear being judged by coworkers. I want to succeed in work, do something I love.... so I can't allow a stupid thing like weight to hold me back any more. Over the last few months I've also missed out on social things - some friends were going on holiday in may, and I just didn't want to be seen in a swimsuit so told them I was busy with work. In June it was a friends birthday BBQ. I made it up the drive, but turned around at the last minute. Unlike the knee's this part isn't better - yet. I think it'll be a long process, not just in losing the weight but learning to feel comfortable in my body... I'm done with being ashamed. And i'm done with missing out on life because I can't get past that shame.

Nixxy <3

 

[lyndzi76]

Great start to your diary can't wait to keep following your progress. X

 

[Fran81]

Good luck Nixxy, sometimes losing the weight is the easy part. Getting your head in the right place is much harder and if you figure it out let me know x

 

[Nixxy]

hey lyndzi and fran, thanks for stopping in! I just saw we all have similarish starting stats... we can ALL do this!

Fran your definitely right about losing weight being the easy part. I can lose weight, I've always been a big girl, I was put on my first diet aged 6, and was over 13 stone when I first started weighing myself aged 13. I can't remember being a normal weight.... but over the years I've come close a few times. 8lbs away once, and 4lbs away the other time.... but the thing is, when I get to that point I freak out. I don't know why, or what exactly happens, but both times I've gone into sabotage mode. I think maybe subconsciously part of me's scared if i'm normal I wont have the weight to hide behind no more. Something anyway. :/

How are you both doing?

 

[Fran81]

I was always called fat as a teenager but looking back at photos I was definitely not I just had curves. I just wish I'd known better and never started dieting. I was a 10-12 at 15 but since then it gradually went up until at my biggest I was a size 26. It's been a while since I've been that big but after having my son I was heading that way. I haven't been below 100kg as an adult and the closest I got was 101kg then I sabotaged it so I know where you are coming from.
I'm getting close again and I feel like if I can get past that hurdle I can do anything.

 

[Nixxy]

The funny thing is.... I find my sticking points have changed. Throughout my teenage years and early 20's I couldn't seem to get lower than 13 stone..... now I can, once I did it once it stopped being the big mountain - but have another hurdle. I was pretty lucky in the fact that my highest weight always stayed the same too, I don't know if that was lucky really considering it was 100lbs over where I wanted to be, but whenever I said right, I need to sort this out, it was always 237lbs.... until this time. I mean, 245 isn't drastically over, but it almost becomes acceptable in your head and no longer shocking. Sixteen stone (well, 16.13... you always round down in your head >.<), I didn't like... 17 was shocking just because I'd never been there (by 1lb, but still), I don't want to continue to where 17 is normal, then 18, then before ya know it its a case of needing to lose 18 stone instead of 8.

You can break the 100kg though.... just a few more weeks. Imna make it my mission to hound you til your 99

 

[lyndzi76]

I never noticed yeah we all have similar amounts to shift. How long you hoping to be on sns?

I've always been fat. In 2010 I lost 5 stone and got down to 12 stone 9lb with CD then have 2 children and gained it all.

 

[Nixxy]

Hmm... I think realistically I'd be looking at end Feb/March time. I'm hoping to be able to get into the 'healthy' weight range around Christmastime.... but my ultimate goal is to get to the middle of the healthy range and figure it'll slow right down the nearer I get.

 

[lyndzi76]

That sounds really achievable. You got any holiday between now and then? x

 

[Nixxy]

No holidays planned thus far before March. Part of my determination to do it this time is a holiday to Greece to see a friend that lives out their summer 2014. Me and her have both been overweight, around 18 months ago we promised each other we'd both me at our goal weights and in bikini's by the time I visited (which at that point was meant to be this summer). She was then around 30lbs heavier than me, and I was doing considerably better than her at sticking to things. Then this year she had weight loss surgery, and as the weight dropped off her I realized I was the fat friend. .... That shouldn't matter really, I mean I'm so proud of her - shes lost about 70lbs and is around 20 lighter than me right now.... but it makes me determined to catch up! Not 100% sure of the bikini's... as an apple shape my tummy has always been my problem area (last time I measured it was 8 inches bigger than my hips, so when I say problem area I reaaaally mean it) I've resigned myself i'm most likely going to have alot of loose skin even if I get right down to where I want to be. I mean, I have the skin anway it'll just not have the fat underneith it... but bikini's might be a stretch. I'm going to look dam good in my shorts and tee though!

Another of my goals is a more physical one. This year my sister participated in tough-mudder. Which for anyone that hasn't heard of it is an extreme army style obsticle course. When I heard she was doing it my immediate thought was how amazing it sounded. But... at over 17 stone with little stregnth or stamina I knew there was no way. Oneday I will take it on... and will complete it. Hopefully by 2015.... which gives a year to train for it after the weight has gone.

 

[lyndzi76]

You'll smash it.

I worry loads about excess skin and what I'm going to do about it.

Were is the mud race?

 

[Nixxy]

I had a few days off being around. The other day I slipped down the stairs, and ended up with a concussion. >.< I'm not exactly sure how it happened since I didn't actually hit my head, but apparently you still can and I did! Better now, just a litttttle woozie - The good news is 3.6lbs this week, not bad for ToTMing!

This week my boss is ordering new uniforms at work, and I have no idea about sizes. In the past I used to avoid jobs where you need store uniforms for that very reason. I also know how my body works.... I'm an apple, and very out of proportion. I put on weight on my stomach first, and lose it off their last. Which means through the past two months of S&Sing I've lost hardly anything (inchwise) off my trouble areas, and a lot more off my non-trouble areas! .. The good thing about that is when I get to a certain weight and can't lose anything more off the non-existant hips it can only come off one place and it does drastically. This, however, makes clothes a pain in the butt. Right now i'm wearing size 20 work pants.... that fit comfortably around the stomach but look ridiculous around the legs, even the size smaller which are a little too muffin toppish around the stomach look like clown pants. Its a little depressing honestly.

Lyndzi - Tough mudder happens all around the country, I'm not sure if I can link it here, but go look it up! Its umm... extreme and kinda... very scary sounding.

 

[Nixxy]

Its been a while since I've updated here, though nothings really new. At the moment i'm finding the diet itself pretty easy. I think after a while you just get into a routine. I'm not 100%, its a concious choice I made... but my cheats are always with ketosis in mind. Or rather, I have the lifestyle meal, but i'm not uber fussy about making sure its all 'correct'. I did a vlcd before and got to the point I didn't want to take headache pills in case they had hidden carbs so I think its healthier for me this way, maybe. Today has been a nice hot day, which means lots of icecream sales at the shop. It really doesn't bother me most days. Sommme days it does. But before I could rarely go a day before I caved in and had a sample of icecream or chocolates... and by a sample... well, we're allowed the odd nibble and we all do it, but I think my boss would have had words if she knew just how many we're being nommed by me and not the customers!

One thing I am exited about is that pretty soon I'll be changing the name of this diary. My official weight on sunday was 209, but my mid week scale check said 206.2.. almost 3lbs in 3 days! I'm hoping to get down to 205 this week, and to be out of the 200's in 2 weeks time .. Then it won't be long til im 'just overweight'. Its kinda.... funny how much being overweight is celebrated. I've never been 'normal' though (since early childhood) so just being plain old overweight is like skinny for me. People are starting to comment on the weightloss, though I just wish it'd come off my stomach already!