Not a CD question, but how would you feel if...

Discussion in 'Cambridge Weight Plan' started by Smiley_Cat, 1 December 2008 Social URL.

  1. Smiley_Cat

    Smiley_Cat Loving CD SS!

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    How would you feel if you just found out your sister went out for dinner a couple weeks ago with your ex-husband?

    (sorry for this totally off topic subject, but I'm trying not to go stuff my face with pasta)

    :(
     
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  3. IreneH

    IreneH Gold Member

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    Is your sister married? How did you know about it? What sort of relationship did they have when you were married to him?

    Irene xx
     
  4. pete10141748

    pete10141748 Postaholic

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    Went out for dinner in what context? Friends? Date? Beginning of a relationship?

    Obv. I don't know from the same POV as you, and I've not had my brother go out to dinner with any of my ex's, but I'll tell you one story that's a similar, though not quite so serious, predicament;



    While we were in our first year of 6th form college, me and my life-long best mate (without telling each other through fear of exactly the same thing) basically traded girlfriends!

    I took her out to help her get over their break-up and we ended up together, and he did the same with my ex too! (we got together around the same time, broke up with them around the same time, got together with the others' ex around the same time, and to top it all the 2 ladies were very good friends too!)

    When it all came out a few weeks later, well, a messy situation doesn;t describe it. All 4 of us didn't know what to say, or where to look.
    After a long discussion, we basically decided that, what they hey, if we all were happy with the new relationships, why ruin it just because of who we used to date? It didn't last long though, I think that the girls just found it too weird after a few more weeks, and called it off.

    Me and my mate were fine with it all though, in fact I truely believe it brought us closer as we knew that we could even go through something like that and still remain best of friends with no hard feelings, even feeling happy for the other; and we are still best mates today (in January 2009 it'll be 18 years since we met! :eek: )



    OK, I waffled a bit there, and most of that may or may not have any relevance to the way you're feeling, but I guess the main questions that come up are;

    1) why did you break up, is he a bad guy who might hurt your sister
    and
    2) if he isn't a bad guy and you just grew apart, is it right to not let your sister have a chance to be happy?

    Obviously if he IS a bad guy and you split up for a very good reason (i.e. abusive) then you have a right to tell her so and warn her, but if the break up wasn't based on anything like that and the relationship just naturally reached its end, you don't want to come off as the jealous/scorned/hurting sister by trying to get your sis to back off.

    It's a difficult situation, thats for sure, and it all depends on your relationships with each of them ultimately.


    Sorry if that was a load of Bull, it's just my view, it might be skewed, I am a man after all :p
     
  5. Smiley_Cat

    Smiley_Cat Loving CD SS!

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    Hi guys,

    Them getting together was nothing but dinner. She hadn't seen him in 7 years (when he and I split up) and ran into him in a bar. He said something like he was really glad she spoke to him as he figured if he ran into any of us we'd avoid him. She said she felt sorry for him and they arranged to go out for dinner on the condition they didn't talk about me, just to 'catch up'.

    Thing is, my sis is the only person who knows _everything_ that went on in my relationship with him, and I can't understand why she would take the position of feeling sorry for him, then go out for dinner with him...surely she'd have to know how I'd feel about it? I mean why was 'catching up' with him more important than being loyal to me?

    He wasn't physically abusive but definitely emotionally abusive. I lost myself in that marriage, tried in vain for years to make things better, and when I finally hit rock bottom and told him I couldn't take any more from him he told me to f*ck off. Turns out he was (at least emotionally) involved with someone for some time before we split, and he was engaged to her within a few months of telling me he wanted a divorce. Still he dragged the divorce out for years and lots of other stuff as well, but that's pretty much how it ended. He's married now with 2 kids, and I'm on my own.

    I just can't help feeling betrayed by my sister. And she's been my only confidant over everything.

    And the kicker is - he told her that he really really loved me and our break up really hurt him, and that he's been in counselling and knows now how much he did wrong.

    I guess it's a good thing I feel too sick about it all to eat. But my head is a mess - I don't know what to think
     
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  6. night-owl

    night-owl Gold Member

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    I would find that really weird. And now that I have read the background to the meet, I find it really quite sick. I can see why you feel too sick to eat. Blimmin' heck. There was absolutely no reason for her to do that! I would feel betrayed too. You poor thing! I don't know what on earth to advise. Do not contact her. When she contacts you next, just state quite simply: "I feel quite betrayed by what you did. It hurt me that you cannot see how I felt about that." And leave it at that until you feel like speaking to her again.
    I can really feel your hurt. Painful. Not one bit fair. But please don't let it throw you off the rails.
    Frances
    xx
     
  7. Smiley_Cat

    Smiley_Cat Loving CD SS!

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    Thanks for that Frances. TBH I'm a bit embarrassed now for posting all that. I had just gotten off the phone with her - she called me to 'fess up to things - and I was reeling.

    I suppose I should be glad I'm just embarrassed, and not stuffed to the gills with pasta (which is all I have left in the house since starting CD!) Progress eh? :-/

    Guess I should head to sleep. Things should feel better in the morning eh?
     
  8. night-owl

    night-owl Gold Member

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    Don't be embarrassed, it wasn't nice for you, and could have so easily pushed you to the pasta! Well done you for resisting. Glad you've sorted it out with your sister, and you can just try and put it behind you now, where it belongs!
     
  9. Smiley_Cat

    Smiley_Cat Loving CD SS!

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    I wish Frances. I haven't worked things out with her yet at all. In fact, I woke this morning and found an email from her apologising for hurting me but still justifying what she did, and asking if he's 'banned for good'. She still doesn't get it. Or maybe I don't. I dunno.

    I'm not reeling any more, but I'm still so sad and feel I've lost my best friend. Or maybe she never really was my best friend after all.

    Still...I'm sticking to plan and am half-way through my Fruits of the Forest shake...not quite as comforting as a half a loaf of toast with loads of melted butter, but much better for me for sure.

    Funny thing, choices. My sister made hers, and I'm making mine. Don't think mine are hurting anyone though. And I can live with that.
     
  10. julesrush

    julesrush Norwich CDC

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    If she just met up as friends i wouldnt have problem with it, at the end of the day he is your ex for a reason and if she knows all the details behind your split then she knows exactly what he is like anyway.

    When two people split sometimes families like to stay in contact, i know i did when my brother and his wife did as she comes round mine once a week and my mum and dad still treat her like a daughter in law and they have been divorced several years. Also their divorce wasnt a friendly one as my brother was cheating on her .

    Dont think of it as her not being loyal to you if not it will break your relationship that seems to be very strong, think of it as a meeting with somebody you dont want anyway xxxx

    julesrush
    cdc norwich
     
  11. MrsR2004

    MrsR2004 Full Member

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    oh this is a tricky one, I personally would be very hurt by this as I (like you) confide in my sister and would feel terrible betrayed if she did this knowing how the marriage was and how he hurt you.

    I appreciate as others have said that sometimes it is hard for families when couples split as you care about them but in these circumstances he wasn't good to you and really how much did they have to catch up on? A quick chat in a bar is fine as they bumped into each other but arranging to meet for dinner to me is wrong, why do they really need to catch up? If your sister felt it was acceptable she would have told you up front and there would be no guilt attached now.

    I have had a similar thing with my sister and her ex's, there was one who we were very close to but you have to let them go, sometimes we bump into each other or his parents and have a quick catch up and then go our seperate ways. Their split was ammicable. Her most recent split with a partner was a bad one and I would never speak to him again, he hurt my sis way too much.

    I can't believe she has asked if he is banned for good :-(

    Please keep your chin up, focus on yourself and doing CD, you derserve it, I'm sure you can work things out with your sister when she realises how you feel (really realises).

    Good luck xxxx
     
  12. Lostris

    Lostris Serena's title didn't fit

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    (If it would be dating:) I WOULD BE SERIOUSLY PISSED!!!!!!! (Yes that needed caps :)). Isn't there some unwritten rule? Don't go out with other people's exes unless they say you can???
    (If it's just friends:) I would still be hurt she didn't tell me about it sooner and that she did that..
     
  13. night-owl

    night-owl Gold Member

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    No Smiley Cat, I am definitely with you on this on. I think what you sister did was inexcuseable. Why on earth does she even think you want to hear how he is doing, and what he is doing? If she really wanted to see him she should have just kept quiet about it. The fact that she couldn't see how reporting back to you like that was just doubling the pain.

    I am so, so pleased that you are not letting this throw you offa your diet. That is the only good thing that has come out of this. Cross her off your Christmas card list until she sees sense. She has got to realise how deeply hurtful her actions were before you can go forward and you really don't need this right now. Stick with the shakes, girl, I'm proud of you. You show 'em!
     
  14. Melanie

    Melanie Over half way to target

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    Your sis had no business going to dinner with him. If he treated you badly, that should have been enough for her to nail her colours to the mast and give him the cold shoulder through loyalty, catch up or not.
     
  15. x-Katie-x

    x-Katie-x Gold Member

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    I'm kind of stuck on this one - in one way (the main one) I agree that I'd hate it, hate the thought that they might discuss me, hate the fact that he might go for the sympathy vote --- just hate all of it.

    Then the other bit of me doesn't as I can only see this from my marriage situation, in that we've now been married for 20 years when we were in our late teens, so our younger brothers and sisters are close to both of us --- on both sides they were just kids of 13 so we've both known and loved each others as our own for so long. So in that way I could see why if they did meet they'd want to catch up as husbands/wives do become family..... so please don't see this as being totally unloyal - I hate and I'm sure your sister does too to think of you being so hurt by it.
     
  16. Gloria19

    Gloria19 I know I can do it..

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    Hi hun,

    just going by your original question... I'd be upset about it.

    I broke up my husband of 10 years a couple of years ago and he's always been a friend of my brothers. Even though they were friends, I still felt a bit betrayed by my brother when they would go out together... as in, he should be loyal to me :( all in a silly way really

    I know it's not the same thing but it's probably about the hurt you're feeling and the disloyalty it seems to bring.

    (I'm too soft and i wouldn't say anything if I was in your shoes) but... from an outsiders point of view you should tell your sister how you feel about it and ask her not to - even if it's just to spare your feelings until things get easier for you to deal with.

    All the best xx
     
  17. Smiley_Cat

    Smiley_Cat Loving CD SS!

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    Thank you everyone for all these kind and considered thoughts. I'm feeling much better about it all today, and have read everything you have written and it really helped. :)

    I still can't believe my sister did what she did - i mean they were never that close when he and I were together, so I don't get why she felt compelled to 'catch up' after so long. :sigh:

    But the biggest hurt is that she chose to do something for herself - in spite of how I would feel. Something that wouldn't have changed her life if she didn't do it, but in going ahead couldn't not have an effect on our relationship. And she knows what she means to me - and has meant to me through the years. I just don't get it :confused:

    With a cooler head, I did email her and have told her how I feel. It's now her choice to do with that as she will. Me, I've decided not to let her actions hurt me any longer. I can't change what she did - I don't like it, but I can't change it. Hopefully we'll get past this - she's my sister and I love her to bits.

    Gee...what a calm head I have! Must have been the chicken salad I had at lunch. :break_diet: Yes, I didn't stick to SS, but it was a lunch planned since before I started CD and I couldn't get out of it. I just sat there and told myself to have the healthiest thing on the menu, and had water with it. Straight back on SS for dinner when I got home - leek and potato soup. So not feeling to bad really. Not ideal of course, but managed it ok I think.

    My first weigh in is on Thursday. I hope the salad doesn't put me too far off, but if it does, that's ok. I've been doing really well on SS so far, and if a _salad_ is the most emotional eating I resort to on this diet, then bring it on! (lol, well not really...I've had my fill of emotional overload!)

    Thanks again everyone. Your kindness and opinions have helped me out on the first blip I've faced on my personal CD challenge. I'm so glad you were all there for me - a stranger - when I needed some virtual shoulders to cry on.

    Big hugs to you all <hugs!>

    (once again a) :) Cat
     
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  19. MrsR2004

    MrsR2004 Full Member

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    Well done you for staying so focused at lunch, that must have really taken some willpower especially with everything going on with your sister, it's all too easy to cave and comfort eat when things happen so you should feel very proud xx
     
  20. x-Katie-x

    x-Katie-x Gold Member

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    As MrsR says, well done for sticking to what was planned and for not blowing it, you're very strong.

    Really hope that you and your sister get over this 'hurdle' soon (((hugs)))
     
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